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Volume 4, Issue 1 The Journal of IceNET January 1994
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ The Editor's Desk ³
³ 1. From The Top 1@1 ³
³ 2. Letters To The Editors 1@6974, 9@7654 ³
³ ³
³ Feature Article ³
³ 3. Running a Sub-Board 9@7654 ³
³ ³
³ WWIV Specific ³
³ 4. New Sysop's Helpline 1@4707 ³
³ 5. Running WWIV Under Windows 1@9680 ³
³ ³
³ Hardware ³
³ 6. Building a Personal Computer System Part 2 1@6754 ³
³ 8. Hardware Review - Gravis Ultrasound 290@6754 ³
³ ³
³ Light Bytes ³
³ 9. An Interview With Santa Claus! 9@7654 ³
³ 10. The Night Santa Came 1@9961 ³
³ 11. Silly Strings 1@9961 ³
³ 12. User Horror Stories 2@7653 ³
³ 13. New Year's Resolutions 2@7653 ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
T H E E D I T O R ' S D E S K
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ From The Top ³ Jim 1@1
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Some say the world is a mess. Some say it's too late. Maybe not. All of
us pulling together, doing the right thing, can make a difference. In IceNET
about 800 or so systems and sysops work together to make a network. We share
our fun, our ideas, and our frustrations. We fight, we play, we make friends
across the modem, we enjoy each other and at times we frust- rate each other.
Just as in a family, we have all ages and all kinds of values.
But the values we demonstrate that bring out the best in us is helping
others, solving their problems as though they were ours, lending a hand by
sharing thoughts and solutions. If there's one thing I've learned in this
game, it's that giving IS better then receiving. That doing to others as we
would have others do to us is a sound and worth-while goal to have in our
network endeavors.
Here's hoping you find this issue of IceNEWS enjoyable, and that your NEW
YEAR is a happy and prosperous one. I'm looking forward to a great year in
IceNET for 1994. Special thanks to Will 1@6754 for being this issue's Managing
Editor, and all the contributing authors. Also, I'd like to announce that
Louie 9@7654 has been promoted to the general title of Editor-At-Large and
will be the M/E for our upcoming February issue. Louie is a long-time frequent
contributor to IceNEWS and even acted as Co-Editor of the publication for last
February's (1993) issue. Congratulations to Louie for a fine job and the best
of luck for the future.
Now, without further ado, I present to you IceNEWS!
úù+* Happy Holidays *+ùú
Jim 1@1 IceNEWS Editor-In-Chief
ÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄ
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ Letters To The Editors ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
Lord Visionary, 1@6974, writes to Deacon Blues, IceNEWS Light Bytes Editor:
"I read your article [`SysGods: SysOps With An Attitude'] in the December
issue of IceNEWS [Volume 3, Issue 3]. Very interesting! I have experienced bad
sysops in my time, but that one really took that cake. Did that really happen,
or was it fictional?"
Deacon Blues replies:
"The SysGod in the story, The All-Powerful 1, was a fictional character,
as were the BBS itself, any user names in the BBS logs, and the `capture' file
that supposedly represents the events of my calls there, although it is based
loosely on several sysops that I've encountered in my travels. While I won't
reveal the names of those who served as examples for the composite character
of The All-Powerful 1, I will say that they are all currently out of BBSing. I
can't imagine why. :)"
---------------====================---------------
Louie, 9@7654, writes to All:
Hi, this is an open letter to all IceNET, WWIVnet, & WWIVlink sysops. The
three major networks (size is my basis for assigning major status) have many
people that people ask for help. In WWIVnet you have Random and Filo. In
WWIVLink you have MTB, Deanna, Parapuke, Linwood Davis, etc. etc. In IceNET
you have Jim!
Jim is also a major player in WWIVnet and WWIVlink as well. I don't know
how many people out there know that Jim is not only the Network Coorinater of
IceNET but is also an Area Coordinator in WWIVnet and WWIVlink.
I'm Jim's main co-sysop. I know Jim. I know a little about his life and
how much time he has on his hands. I also know he doesn't have enough time to
deal with everything in his life at times.
Jim works 12-14 hour days as an engineer. Jim now lives in Springville,
NY - near where he works. He used to live in Amherst, NY. Amherst was a 2 hour
drive from where he worked. So, a few months ago Jim moved south so he could
be closer to work. He did this, in large part, so that he could have more time
to read E-mail, posts, and deal with his many responsibilities as a Sysop.
You want to know what jobs and responsibilities he has as a Sysop/BBSer?
They are: IceNET NC, WWIVnet 716 AC, WWIVlink 716 AC, Sysop of the 716 IceNET
Server (which serviced the big 3 nets plus 12-15 small nets), WWIV 4.23 Beta
Test Site on Paragon (Jim hunted for bugs in the new version), SDS Site for
WWIV 4.23, member of WWIVlink's Guidelines Committee, member of WWIV Con '94
planning committee, publisher of IceNEWS, host of roughly 15-20 different subs
on TGWN and Paragon, E-mail! E-mail! E-mail!, dealing with a co-sysop on the
verge of a nervous breakdown every now and then (that's me), ect. ect. ect.
ect. ect. ect. ....
I think I've gotten my point across about what Jim does for BBSing on a
national level. Jim is also a member of Jim-Tree-Lou Productions, which stages
the WNY BBS Events sometimes (picnics and other social gatherings of local
sysops and users).
Jim, himself, never complains about the time constraints that he has. He
does all this out of a love for BBSing. He has so much work, though, that he
brings in co-sysops to help him out. That is where I come in. I run the subs
that Jim hosts on his two boards. I watch the logs for users gone insane (you
know the type... the mass mails to 40 people about how he has a long
**beep**). I watch the skies for anything. There is also Trigger, who deals
with the transfer sections. Who did you think tested all the files for virii
and stuff? I couldn't do that.
All in all, I spend 2 hours a day on the board helping Jim. Trigger
spends about 90 minutes every call on the board himself. That is 3.5 hours of
work that Jim doesn't have to do himself.
I did not even list all the things that Jim has to deal with. He likes to
mod every now and then sometimes. He has to validate new users like all other
sysops (I am kind of surprised he hasn't tried to push this one off to me
yet). He likes to try new things with the board. TGWN ran a Tradewars Tourny
once. Jim brought Zeus, 2@7664, to run that for him.
Jim does a bunch of great stuff for all sysops and users around the
country and in Western New York. But he doesn't have all the time in the
world. He works a lot and he BBSes a lot. If you can ask somebody else a
question and get an answer to it locally... ask that person in your area. Jim
won't tell you to go away. He will gladly help you. It's just he has 100+
other people asking him questions all the time too.
Jim by far isn't the only sysop that has these problems of time
constraints either. I'm sure that Random, Filo, Parapuke, MTB, and other
sysops around the country have the same problems. Jim just happens to be loved
by everybody. And sometimes you all may love him a tad too much. Just,
maybe... instead of asking Jim a question in e-mail next time you have a
problem... post it on a sysop sub. Jim may answer your question on the sub
then. But some other sysop with lots of know-how may be able to help you out
as well. Give Jim a break sometimes, and give the newer sysop with lots of
know-how a break too. Lots of those guys would love to help you. You just have
to ask them.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings. Jim is a great guy. That is why he
does everything for us.
If you have a comment or complaint about what I've written here, e-mail
me, Louie, at 9@7654 in IceNET (or 9@7663 WWIVnet, 9@17652 WWIVlink).
ÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄ
F E A T U R E A R T I C L E
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ How to Post & Run A Sub-board ³ Louie 9@7654
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
What is the purpose of BBSing? The standard answers are enjoyment,
downloading files, games, messages, advice on tech matters, etc. etc. But all
these involve one basic thing: Communication.
People call BBSes in order to communicate with other people. The most
direct method communication are messages posted on sub-boards. E-mail is
between only two people. File Transfers are indirect communication. Games are
communication between people wanting to have fun, and that is still indirect.
A post communicates with more people at one time than any other form of
communication within BBSing. A post is read by several people. It isn't only
directed at one person.
Since the posting of messages is the most important aspect of BBSing,
then people probably should take a little time just to think about the best
method to post a message. These are some of my ideas on the subject. They are
not "handed down from on-high". They are simply my opinion. Treat them as
general guidelines at most.
How Should A BBSer Post?
------------------------
1) Say Something :
"I agree" just doesn't say anything. Why do you agree with the person?
Why might your opinion differ from the person you're replying to? Say
something you want to say. If it is a newer topic then maybe you should think
a little before posting about it the first time. Work up a nice position and
some defenses of your position.
2) Try To Be Polite And Good Humored :
People will listen and want to post with something they like. If you come
off as an a--, then people will treat you like one. Do not abuse other people
in a post. Don't belittle them. If somebody asks a "dumb" question, explain to
them why they might be wrong. Also, a little joking sometimes can't hurt and
it can help. If people are nice to each other and can joke a little, then
people will want to continue posting to each other. If it is just a large
legal-type battle between people that don't like each other, then after a
while one or more of those involved will just go away cause it isn't fun
anymore.
3) Fun :
Fun is important. Remember that communication is a lot better when people
are having fun. It is important. Remember it. When in doubt as to whether
somebody was "flaming" you, or if they might just be having a little
good-natured ripping fun, interpret it as the good-natured ribbing.
4) Take Other People's Points Into Consideration:
Answer people who bring up other ideas that you may disagree with. Don't
ignore them because you don't like their opinion. Jim (The Ayatollah of
IceNET) and I rarely agree on politics and religion. We still talk to each
other though.
5) Try To Spell Correctly And Use Good Grammar:
Don't pick on another person's poor spelling or grammar. Some people just
can't spell. Always remember, the person's point is more important than their
spelling.
6) Avoid Chain Posting :
Chain Posts are a bunch of posts from the same person on the same topic.
20 posts in a row from anybody gets annoying as heck after you have read 4 or
5 of them. People start to space- bar your posts after a while when you chain
post. You want them to read what you post. Be nice to those you wish to
communicate with. Try condensing your 20 posts down to 4-6 or so good posts.
People will appreciate your doing that.
7) Flaming And/Or Warring Is BAD! BAD! BAD! :
Don't do it. No one other than those fighting care about any of the crap.
8) Stick To The Topic Of The Sub :
Don't post about Sports on the programming sub. Sub is short for Subject.
Stick to the Sub-board's subject.
9) Do Not Over Quote :
Try to add about as much text to your post as you quoted from the post
your responding to. Personally, I don't like reading a whole slew of quotes
only to see three lines of added text. I doubt others like quotes much either.
Only quote as much as you need to, but not a line more. Also, remember that
somebody has to pay to transfer those messages across the country. I don't
think too many sysops like to pay phone bills to have lots of quotes to their
board. Myself, I don't quote. Ever. If I can't point out what I am responding
to without a quote, then I don't think I really know how to post.
10) Don't Swear :
This is simple. Some people don't like to read a whole bunch of swear
words. Keep them to the subs where they are acceptable.
11) Most Importantly :
Obey any sub rules that the host of a sub has. If you're in doubt about
the rules of a sub, post to or mail the sub host asking for a copy of any
rules. It'll save many-a-problem between you and the host in the future.
How Do You Run A Good Sub?
--------------------------
Several people around the network run sub-boards in the network. I run
several of Jim's subs. The IceNET National General (subtype 48000), Political
Thoughts and Remarks (61000), Philosophy Sub (58000), Network Sports (28000),
the Santa Sub (SANTA), Learning C (17654), Cosysop Support Sub (57654), The
Art of Dungeon Mastering (DMMING), The Meanings of Love (7654), etc. etc. I
run all those subs for Jim on TGWN (@1) and Paragon (@7654).
The best ways I have found to do this job is to :
A) Post on the Sub in Question :
People will then see posts to respond to. I sometimes take positions very
different from my real opinion in order to get people to respond to me and get
the sub active. In other words, play the Devil's Advocate.
B) Network Validate the sub and delete the below par posts :
Delete anything that don't meet you view of what a good post is. That
will keep the sub running in a manner that you approve of as the sub host.
C) Let people know you're the sub host :
Be personable.
D) Advertise the sub on the Yellow Page forums :
Few sub-hosts create their subs to be read only by a few people.
Advertising your sub is the best way to get subscribers. Try to get a constant
influx of new systems.
E) E-mail constant offenders of the sub rules and let them know that they are
out of line.
Those are the ways I run all the subs I host for Jim. It seems to work.
Conferences! New with WWIV 4.23
--------------------------------
The newest version of WWIV, version 4.23, brings a new feature to
WWIVdom: Conferences. Conferences are a way of sub-dividing sub-boards into
sub-sections of subs. Instead of having all the subs at the main menu now you
have them in their own conferences. The main menu is still there, you just now
also get to use the curly brace ( {} ) to travel thru the conferences as well
as using the arrow bracket ( <> ) to travel thru the subs.
The advantages of this are simple. You can sub-divide the subs into
logical groups. For example, you could put all the debate subs into one
conference called "Debate". Jim and I have done that on TGWN and Paragon.
For the sysop (or remote cosysop) to access the sysop conference menus
you do a //CONFEDIT or a //JE. (I don't really know why //JE as the short cut
command other than //CE was for //CHAINEDIT. I assume the J stands for "Join"
or some such thing. J for a normal user is used for Joining other
conferences.)
Subs in a conference at not listed in the order they appear in
//BOARDEDIT either. They are listed in the way they are added into the
conference. If subs 1, 5, and 8 are added to a conference as 8, 1, and 5, then
they appear in that order. If you want to add a sub in the middle you have to
wipe out all the subs there and then add them all again in the order you wish
them to be there in.
Also, subs can be in more than one conference. This is good for subs
where you are not sure what their topic might be. If it seems to be both a
debate sub and a general sub you could place it in the debate grouping as well
as in the general grouping. This is good for local subs as well. You could
have a conference of all your non-netted subs as well as having them in their
logical groupings as well.
This last point also allows you to put a Sysop Announcements sub in all
the conference. I did this on Paragon. That way users that just log on to read
the sports subs still see what the Sysop wants them to know.
New-scanning conferences in weird, though. When you hit "N" you only
new-scan the conference you are in. Random and his programming team added the
/A command (why /A I have no idea! Oh, it just hit me. A for All! It took me 3
weeks to figure that out. The WWIV brain trust at work!)... anyway, /A will
new-scan all the subs. But it does this by looking at everything as one giant
Conference. It doesn't new-scan thru Conference A to B and then to C. Nope,
that would make sense. And I am sure that would have been simple to do since I
saw a mod for doing just that within a couple of days of the release.
One last thing about having one sub in more than one conference. It marks
all the messages as read after it has been read in Conf A. You don't have to
re-read them when you get down to Conf. H where the sub might also be.
Now, what are some ways to set up conferences. The three logical ones
that pop out at me are:
1) By Topic, as I said before. All the Debate subs in the Debate
Conference.
2) By Network. All the IceNET Subs in the IceNET Conference.
3) Personal. For example, on TGWN Jim has one conference with all the
subs he likes to read in it. This makes it easy for him to just sit down and
hit "N" and read them all real quick without having to travel around all the
conferences. This last option really isn't viable for anybody other than
sysops though.
Well, I just wanted to go a little into Conferencing in this article
because it is new and it relates to subs and stuff. I think that some people
can use some of this info. Besides, from what I hear... the docs don't seem to
be too great at this point. I haven't looked at them myself, though. So, put
the Axe down, Filo. Just listening to all the great unwashed Sysops. I suggest
that they take a bath.
Louie 9@7654 IceNEWS Contributing Writer
ÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄ
W W I V S P E C I F I C
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ WWIV New Sysops Helpline ³ Jack Ryan 1@4707
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
When I originally started to write this month's article on the WWIV
transfer section, it was mid-November. Since that time, I have moved 1,000
miles, started a new job, and a new version of WWIV has been released. Due to
my move, I have only had the new version for about a week. To say that I'm a
little hesitant about doing my originally planned article would be an
incredible understatement. Instead, I'm going to try to review what appears to
be the most asked questions on the sysop subs about 4.23. Next month I'll go
forward with the original plan, and cover the file transfer area and CD-Roms.
First, let me state that the docs for the new version of WWIV are a great
improvement over the old documentation. The staff that worked on that deserves
a large 'thanks' from all of us. From what I have seen on the various sysop
subs that I subscribe to, the most frequently asked questions deal with
multi-language support, the TRASHFON.TXT file, war dialing and multiple
instances. I will try to help clear up these questions in the next few
paragraphs.
MULTI-LANGUAGE SUPPORT: WWIV now supports multiple languages by using the
string files (*.STR). To setup multiple languages you need to do the
following:
1. Create a sub-directory off of your WWIV\GFILES directory for each language
(other than English) that you plan on supporting.
2. Place the appropriate BBS.STR file in each of those sub- directories. These
files can be obtained at the SDS sites, as well as numerous other boards.
3. In 'INIT' select option 'L' (Language Support). Type in 'A' to add a new
language.
A. Mine looks like this:
1. ENGLISH GFILES\
2. SPANISH D:\WWIV\GFILES\SPANISH
3. FRENCH D:\WWIV\GFILES\FRENCH
As of December 19, 1993 I have been unable to locate a menu for the Spanish
language, or any German support, but I understand that it is being worked on
and may be available by the time this article is released.
TRASHFON.TXT: This is a file that you create that disallows certain phone
numbers. It is similar in purpose to TRASHCAN.TXT. The most commonly asked
question about this is how to set the end of file marker. Normally you would
just hit F6 if you were doing a 'COPY CON' or a <ALT>FX from the DOS editor.
This particular file requires that you place the word 'end' on the last line,
and it is case sensitive, therefore be sure to put it in lower-case
characters.
NET BBS LIST: The old way of looking up a node number by typing in //NET=xxxx
is gone. The new way is a big improvement (in my opinion), although there are
those that like want the ability to do a //NET=xxxx. To the best of my
knowledge there is no way to recreate that, outside of a mod.
MULTI-INSTANCE: This has to have been the most asked-for feature for WWIV to
incorporate, and now it is here. In order to take advantage of multiple nodes
you do need a few things. The most obvious is a system that allows
multi-tasking. The documentation that came with WWIV goes into detail about
Widows, Desqview and OS/2 setup and requirements, so I'll just cover a
'fast-start' setup for multi-instance capability. The following steps should
enable you to run multiple instances of WWIV.
1. Create a sub-directory off of your WWIV directory for each instance (other
than the first one) that you will have. For example, if you were going to
have two instances you would only need to create one sub-directory, calling
it: TEMP2. (C:\WWIV\TEMP2). Additional instances would require more
sub-directories to be created as TEMPx.
2. Run INIT for each instance that you will have. This is done by adding an x
value after INIT, such as INIT2. You will need to fill out all the options
just like you would normally do, being sure to include the path to your
TEMP sub-directory. If your second (or third, etc.) instance is your
keyboard, then you do not need to go into the modem info option for that
INIT.
3. Unless you are using OS/2 as your multi-tasker, then you will also need to
load the DOS SHARE command in able to run multiple instances.
4. If you are running an instance from the keyboard, you will need to setup a
batch file to call it. The batch file should look similar to this:
C:
CD WWIV
SET WWIV_INSTANCE=2
BBS -M -i2
WAR DIALING: This feature allows you to make repetitive callout attempts
to your net connect. This feature is accessed by hitting the '.' from the WFC
(Waiting For Caller Screen). The BBS will prompt you for the node number, ask
if you are sure, it will then ask for the number of times. To abort the call
you must hit 'H' to abort, then quickly hit the <ESC> key.
Those are the most frequently asked questions that I've seen pop-up. If
you have others, please contact me and I'll find some answers for you, and we
can share them with everyone else. As always, I encourage your input with
regards to this column, as that is the only way that I know how I may best
assist other sysops. I would like to hear from sysops running WWIV 4.23 under
Windows and OS/2, so if you fall into that category please e-mail me. Thanks
to all our readers, and I hope that your holidays were enjoyable!
Jack Ryan 1@4707 IceNEWS Contributing WWIV-Specific Editor
ÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄ
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ Setting up for Multi-Tasking under Windows 3.1 ³ Music Man 1@9680
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Multi-Tasking under the environment of Windows requires the Enhanced mode
and will not operate correctly in standard mode. It is strongly suggested
having at least 4 megs of RAM when running more than one instance of WWIV
4.2X.
The following are recommended settings for use in PIF files for running
WWIV software.
First, it is best to put your PIF file in your main bbs directory and
call for it in the properties section when you set up the new program on one
of your windows.
Set up to the following recommendations:
Filename: C:\BBS\wwiv.bat (Using the recommended bat file and your path).
Startup directory: C:\BBS (Or whatever your wwiv software is using for a path)
Video Memory: Set to text mode ONLY. WWIV only requires text mode and all
other programs (chain etc.), will function correctly under this atmosphere.
Memory requirements: KB required 550 KB limit 640
EMS memory required: Set to 0 KB limit 4096 (Preferred, may use 2048)
XMS memory required: Set to 0 KB limit 4096 (Preferred, may use 2048)
Please note that running WWIV with only 2 megs may pose potential problems.
Recommended RAM is 4096 OR MORE.
Display: Full screen Execution: Background box MUST be checked!
Set to close window on exit.
Under the next page in the PIF editor do the following.
Multi-Tasking Options: Background set to 200. Foreground set to 200. (It is
recommended to set your second and above instances to 150 foreground and
background).
Do not set to detect idle time.
Memory Options: Check "Uses High Memory area"
Lock Application Memory (This is important)
DO NOT LOCK EMS OR XMS MEMORY! This will cause
problems on the second and above instances.
Display Options: Check Emulate text mode ONLY.
Allow fast paste?: Set to NO
It is best to name this PIF dile bbs.pif. The windows documentation
suggests that windows will first look for a pif file with the same name as the
program software itself.
Set your ports in Windows Control panel to match your particular modem
and set it to software or hardware... if you are high speed, it must be set to
19200 for 14.4 or above, and hardware flow control set to on. Do not set it to
above 19200 unless you have turbo.com installed.
In the file called System.ini in your windows directory pay attention to
the following:
The [NonWindowsApp] section can contain the following settings.
____________________________________________________________
CommandEnvSize=<1024> Do not make this size any larger. If the environment
for Non windows applications is set to, say, 4096,
there will be problems with DSZ as stated in the DSZ
documentation.
Please refer to the .wri files in your main windows directory for further
recommendations for the system.ini file.
When Multi-Tasking under windows, sometimes the bbs will take a few more
rings to answer while other applications, or instances are being executed.
This will not cause a problem except for users who have their terminal
programs set to only wait for a connect a short time, 30 seconds or so.
Instruct your users to set the wait for connection to 60 seconds although it
probably will not take that long.
Music Man 1@9680 IceNEWS Contributing Writer
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H A R D W A R E
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ Building a PC System - Part 2 ³ Will 1@6754
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
In the last issue installment of the series, we discussed the planning
aspect of Building a PC : how to decide what components you want to have in
your new system and how to go shopping for them. In this issue, our proverbial
components have arrived, and we're ready to start building.
NOTE: It is not advised to go about building a computer system directly
from this article! Although the information included here is complete and
would prove helpful in the construction of a computer system, the author can
not be responsible for any damages incurred during your construction and
strongly recommends that you obtain a second source.
The order you install the various components goes like this, roughly:
1. Power Supply into Case
2. SIMM Modules into Motherboard
3. Motherboard into Case
4. Floppy Drives and Hard Drives into Case
5. Hard and Floppy Interface Cards into Case
6. Video Card and Serial Cards into Case
7. Cover On
8. Monitor and Keyboard Connected
9. Power Up
Step 1, inserting your power supply into the case, can actually be the
trickiest. Many cases will have their power supplies already installed. In
this case, so much the better. If not, you're advised to examine the case and
read the accompanying directions for both the case and PS. The wide range of
available PS types makes it impossible to definitively outline installation
here.
Step 2, placing the SIMM modules into the motherboard. This is possibly
the most finicky part of construction. If possible, do this in a non-carpeted
room and wear an anti-static wrist strap. Remove the motherboard from its
anti-static packaging and place it on top of the packaging. Ground yourself by
touching a metal object (window frame, pipe, plugged in computer) before and
after this.
Next, take your first SIMM. Look at the motherboard and find the SIMM
bank labeled "BANK0". At the first slot in this bank, slide the SIMM down
through the diagonal channel (there should be two metal or plastic clips to
guide it), and pull it into a vertical position, chip banks facing away from
the other SIMM slots. This may require a small amount of force, but if you
feel real resistance or see why the SIMM is not sliding up (or the clips look
as if they're about to break), STOP and re-insert them. Repeat for all SIMMS,
moving back from the first slot of BANK0.
Step 3, placing your motherboard with SIMMS into the case. Once again,
this differs from machine to machine and it's wise to consult your various
documentation. Generally, there will be a set of plastic clips, with a
circular bottom and and angling top, looking something like this:
/^\
| |
=======
===
These will push up through the various holes in the motherboard, and then
slide into the various pear-shaped slots in the case bottom with the lower
"===". Consult your documentation and experiment (without pushing the top into
the motherboard) to find the correct placement. Once you have, lower the
motherboard so the ==='s enter the large portion of the pear-shaped holes and
gently slide the motherboard forward so that the ==='s slide into the small
side of the hole and remain firmly there. Make sure the expansion slots are
lined up with the holes in the case the keyboard hole and jack are aligned,
etc.
Next, take the bundle of cables that should be hanging right beyond the
case lights. You'll notice a set of two or four-pronged pins. They'll have
labels such as "Turbo", "SPKR", etc. Connect them to the matching cables.
Polarity doesn't matter as much, I've found, except for the speaker. Consult
your manuals for the proper alignments.
Last, hook the motherboard up to the power supply. There will be a long
pinned connector on the motherboard and two plastic power jacks coming from
the power supply that are longer than the others. Plug these in. It's almost
an accepted standard that the two BLACK wires are on the inside of the
connectors, touching, but double check first.
With Step 4, adding hard drives and floppy drives, things become simpler.
All drives come with mounting instructions and diagrams, which you are advised
to follow. Generally, you just slide the drive bare into the bay, and screw it
in from the sides. With 3.5" devices in 5.25" bays, you'll have to install
mounting brackets. Since this is such a visual process, I won't describe it
any further here.
After you install the drives, take however many of the power connectors
you need from the mass connected to the power supply and connect them to the
appropriate slots on the drive assemblies. You can't miss them, and they only
go in one way.
Step 5 involves hooking in the hard and floppy drive interfaces, and
connecting them to the drive. Because these require in-computer cabling more
than the others, it's advisable to do them first so you have more arm room to
work in.
First, unscrew the cover on the case at the end of the expansion slot.
Pick a slot near to the drives. It's a thin metal piece that bends over at the
top with a screwhole and has a tongue at the bottom. It looks like the end
piece of an expansion card. Lift it out and save it. Then, slide the
controller card down into the long expansion slot so the gold connectors go
into the slot and the card is fully seated. It's endpiece should cover the
area of the cover you just removed. If your hard and floppy controllers are on
separate cards, install the other one as well.
Now, take the floppy cable - signified with five connectors, two with 50
pinholes in two rows for 3.5" disk drives, two looking like miniature
expansion slots for 5.25" drives and one to hook into the card. If you want a
5.25" drive for A (assuming you have one), take the furthest 5.25" connector
and connect it to the drive. They only fit on way. Then, for the 3.5" drive,
take the SECOND 3.5" connector (not the one next to the furthest end, but the
one nearest to the card connector) and hook it into the drive. PIN 1
(symbolized by a red line on the cable) is almost always on the side of the
drive furthest from the power supply. I have encountered exceptions, however,
so please check your manuals. If your floppy drive doesn't work, this is
probably why.
Lastly, connect the card connector to the floppy connector on the card.
See your interface card manual for the location of the connector and Pin 1.
The hard drive (IDE) connects similarly, although there are only 50 pin
connectors on the cable. PIN 1 is usually closest to the power supply on hard
disks, but again, this has been known to vary, so check your manual.
That's it for now. Next issue we'll finish putting the system together,
and power it up.
Will 1@6754 IceNEWS Contributing Hardware Editor
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ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ Hardware Review - Gravis UltraSound ³ Cuthalion 290@6754
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
The Gravis UltraSound (or GUS) is a different type of sound card from the
current popular sound card. It is not, as many other top of the line sound
cards are, simply a Sound Blaster, with higher resolution sound or with added
whistles and bells.
One of the main flaws with the Sound Blaster(s), and Pro Audio Spectrum,
and most popular sound cards, is that they use FM synthesis. What this means
is that the card has been given a couple of mathematical functions (sines,
cosines, etc.) and it adds them up to create an instrument. If it wants to
play that instrument back at a higher pitch, it simply uses shorter sines,
cosines, etc. This allows for decent music, but does not lend itself to
realistic instruments. After all, how many real world sounds are actually just
the sum of a few sinewaves?
To achieve truly realistic instruments, a different method of synthesis
must be employed. Gravis is calling this method of synthesis Wave Table
synthesis, simply because it involves a table of waveforms. With Wave Table
synthesis, the sound card has a bank of sampled real instruments. When an
instrument is 'hit', it just plays back the sample, mixing it in with any
other instruments which are currently playing. Many of the instruments have
looping. This method of synthesis is used in the popular Amiga .MOD files. An
other example of Wave Table synthesis is the expensive Roland MT-32 MIDI card,
which generates very rich, full sounding music. The problem with it is that
all of its samples are in ROM, which limits it's versatility somewhat. The
Gravis UltraSound has banks of RAM, (up to a meg) into which the instrument
patches (the samples) are loaded. It can then play back the patches (up to 16
at a time, in stereo) at the desired pitch, volume, panning, or whatever. The
sound quality depends on the quality of the samples, which can be up to 16
bit, 44.1 KHz. (CD quality) In addition to all of the utilities that come with
the card, about 5 Megs of instrument patches are included, with everything
from acoustic bass to xylophone, bongos to bagpipes. With RAM based Wave Table
synthesis, the GUS can play things like .MOD files, with incredible quality
(oversampling, and all that stuff) while taking up little memory and almost no
CPU time. (On a Sound Blaster, or similar card, the channels would need to be
mixed by the CPU, which is a large drain on speed.)
However, because of this entirely different way of looking at synthesized
sound, the problem of compatibility (which is an issue with every new piece of
hardware) is somewhat exacerbated. There is a TSR which will allow the GUS to
emulate a Sound Blaster, however it has a hard time with the music. The TSR
must determine which sample out of its 256K `FM synthesis library' is closest
to the instrument that would be played over an actual Sound Blaster. Although
the emulated FM synthesis still sounds OK and the digitized effects work fine
98% of the time, it is a pain just to have to load a TSR, which takes up about
26K of memory.
On the other hand, Advanced Gravis has recently released a TSR which
allows the GUS to emulate a Roland MT-32, Sound Canvas, or General MIDI
device, which many games support. It also emulates a Sound Blaster's DAC for
playback of digitized effects. I'd have to say that the Roland music emulation
generates incredibly rich and full sound.
More recently, less need for emulation is present. More games are being
released with direct support of the GUS. Some backward compatible drivers have
been released by a few software publishers, (such as Sierra On-Line) and
Gravis has written Miles/AIL generic sound drivers, which allow any game that
uses that standard to support the GUS. The GUS also comes with full Windows
drivers (but no OS/2 drivers yet exist) so it is compatible with almost every
game that runs under Windows. The SDK (software development kit) has been
released into the public domain, so shareware is coming to support it too.
One of Gravis's goals in creating the GUS was to bring into existence a
sound card capable of delivering stunning sound at an affordable price. They
have succeeded on both counts. The GUS is available for as little as $129.
Another advantage to the GUS is that it allows playback of multiple sound
effects simultaneously, so one effect will not be cut short by the next.
Here are some statistics comparing the GUS to some other sound cards:
GUS AdLib SoundBlaster SoundBlaster
Synthesized 32 11 11 22
Voices
CD Quality Sound þ - - -
Digital voices 32 0 1 2
Stereo þ - - þ
On Card Memory 256K* 0 0 0
Speed Adjusted þ - - -
Game Port
MIDI Interface þ - - þ
Sample Rate (kHz) 2-44.1 - 4-22 4-22
Recording
Resolution (bits) 8(/16**) - 8 8
CD-Rom Interface ** - - þ
Playback
Resolution (bits) 16 - 8 8
On-board mixer þ - - þ
* Upgradable to 1 meg
** You need a daughter board to upgrade.
There are some problems with the GUS. If your motherboard does not
support the NMI (Non-maskable interrupt) some of the emulation TSRs will not
work. There are (as of yet) no OS/2 drivers for the GUS. In the year that I've
owned my GUS, I've had about 3 problems, 2 of them were while upgrading to the
newest version of the software, (and my strange Windows directory setup) that
was mailed to all registered users from Gravis. All of my problems were worked
out within a couple of hours. In general, I feel that this is the best sound
card on the market, unless you have unlimited funds.
I have no affiliation with Gravis, except that I own one of their sound
cards.
Cuthalion 290@6754 IceNEWS Contributing Writer
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L I G H T B Y T E S
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ An Interview With Santa Claus ³ Louie #9 @7654
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Very few people in the BBS community know that Jim Nunn, the Ayatollah of
IceNET, knows Santa Claus. After you think about it for a little while,
though, it becomes clear that Jim should know the wonderful Mr. Claus. After
all, JIm does live in the Great White North. He even named his first board
after the place.
Just down the road from Jim's Northern Penthouse is Santa's Workshop. Jim
first met Santa one day when Jim was out shoveling the driveway, not uncommon
for a person living in the Great White North Pole area. Santa and his reindeer
just came jogging on by.
"There they all were," said Jim, "Santa and Rudolph leading the pack of
those wacky reindeer. All of them were out jogging. It was unbelievable at
first." Santa confirmed the fact that he had taken up jogging in the late
1970's. He says he is still overweight, though. "All the jogging in the world
won't help you if you continue to down 4 dozen cookies, a gallon of ice cream,
and 7-8 Big Macs each day." commented Mr. Claus to this reporter.
Santa and Jim became fast friends. Jim has gotten to meet several
imaginary characters he never really thought existed via his friendship with
Santa. Jim said "I really loved getting to meet the Great Pumpkin and Smokey
the Bear. Knowing Santa is great".
This Christmas season Jim asked Santa to make up an account on Paragon
(Jim's second board) and answer e-mail and posts from all the BBSers around
the WWIV networks. Santa Claus quickly agreed to the offer. "It makes
answering mail much cheaper for me. I don't have to buy stamps!" Santa
claimed.
Jim and Santa also started "The Santa Sub" in each of the Big Three
Networks. The Subtype, naturally enough, is SANTA.
Now, on to the interview with Santa!
Louie: Santa, it is great to finally meet you. Jim has said several nice
things about you.
Santa: Don't believe a word of it. Everything he told you was lies!
Louie: No, really Santa. Jim Nunn said great things about you.
Santa: Oh Jim Nunn. That IceNET Guy. I thought you meant Jiminy Cricket. That
little guy can drive you insane. He also steals silverware.
Louie: So, how are things in the Great White North Pole?
Santa: Fine. The Elves have got production numbers way up this year. Rudolph
has finally gotten himself into an AA Program. Jim is letting me use
IceNET to answer mail for kids all around the country. Mrs. Claus
finally got down to the eye doctor to get my new glasses so I can read
the letters easier now. Things are really looking up for this
Christmas.
Louie: It sounds a little like you have had problems in the past.
Santa: Yeah, normally we have a bunch of problems.
Louie: Such as?
Santa: Well, back in 1986 the Elves formed a Union. I can't pay them the low
wage Mexican-like rates I used to any more. The Elves even went on
strike back in '88. If it hadn't of been for those scab Dwarves I
hired that year, Christmas would have been a total bust. And due to my
hiring of the scabs, I had one ugly Elf riot that year.
Louie: The elves have a union?
Santa: That's what I said, ain't it, you putz! They call it ELFCO : Elven
Labor Federation and Cooperative. I really can't stand them any more.
I have to pay those little twerps 28 dollars an hour now.
Louie: What is this about Rudolph and Alcoholics Anonymous?
Santa: Well, you see Rudolph's nose didn't glow bright because of some weird
genetic mutation. He drank Jack Daniels like it was water all the
time. Must have downed a good case and half of it each day. Blitzen
has been trying for years to get Rudolph help for his drinking
problem. I even had spoken to him about it on occasion. But you can't
force somebody with a problem like that to get help unless they
recognize that they have a problem.
Louie: What made Rudolph see he had a drinking problem?
Santa: It happened during the 1990 deliveries. Rudolph led us all into a bunch
of Anti-Aircraft artillery fire over Iraq during the Gulf War. He's
been sober ever since. Of course, his nose doesn't glow very bright any
longer.
Louie: How bright is his nose now?
Santa: Oh, you can still read by it. But it doesn't light up the grand
ballroom like it used too.
Louie: As for the network: How do you like e-mail and posts from bbsers?
Santa: For the most part, it is much better than those written letters that I
get. I have trouble reading hand-scrawl. The US Postal Service is very
often real slow this time of year as well. E-mail in IceNET (And to a
lesser degree WWIVnet and WWIVlink as well) really speeds things up. I
save a ton of cash on stamps, too. So do the little kids that can't
normally afford stamps. I really like Jim helping me out with it, too.
He believes in me. Last year, I tried to contact both Compuserve and
Prodigy. But folks at both places would never believe me when I would
say "Santa" when they asked me "Who's Calling." Those idiots kept
telling me that I didn't exist.
Louie: Do you get that a lot from people, their refusal to believe you exist?
Santa: Yeah. Adults never want to believe that it is me when I say it's me. I
call up to ask permission from the large toy companies for licensing
to have my Elves make their toys that I can give them away to little
kids. I can make Barbie's and stuff because I finally convinced the
folks at Mattel that it really was me. But the Fisher Price putziods
just hang up on me whenever I call.
Louie: So, how do BBSers measure up when it comes to what we are going to get
from you this Christmas?
Santa: Trust me, you don't want to know.
Louie: I'm sure our readers would love to know. We all can't have been bad
people.
Santa: Well, other than Filo, Jim and Linwood Davis, you're all getting coal.
Heck, I had to put the miners on overtime this past week to collect
the amount of coal I will drop on Midnight Tree Bandit's place. Death
Knight is going to have a bunch in his stocking too.
Louie: What about me?
Santa: Like I said, don't ask. You've been a very bad boy.
Louie: Well, lets move on to another topic now. How do you get along with the
other Holiday characters?
Santa: Fine. The Holiday characters get along great normally. Peter Rabbit
throws a huge party down in his hole each year. We all meet there and
have a few laughs. All the big names get invited.
Louie: Who was at last year's party?
Santa: Let me think a moment; lets see : Smokey the Bear, Tom Turkey, Uncle
Sam, Cupid, Old Man New Year, the Great Pumpkin, Frosty the Snowman,
The Pillsbury Dough Boy, Curious George, Mickey Mouse, Winnie the
Pooh, Mother Goose, Hansel and Gretel, Opus, etc. Normally there are
about 30-40 of us at Peter Rabbit's parties.
Louie: I see that all those names are specific holiday character dudes.
Santa: That is true. We in the business figure if you are nice to animals and
children that you are a member of our unofficial club. That is why
guys like Mickey Mouse and Smokey the Bear get included in our social
circle. Besides, it is nice to have those guys around normally.
Louie: You seem to imply that there are times when you don't like having them
around.
Santa: Well, a couple of years back Smokey the Bear and Winnie the Pooh got
really drunk and went around mauling campers. It was a real sticky
situation for a while there. If it wasn't for Mickey Mouse coming up
with the money to pay for hospital bills of the mauled campers and to
bribe state and federal officials into not pressing charges against
those national treasures... Well, lets just say that the "Weekly World
News" would have had a field day with the story.
Louie: Smokey and Winnie mauling human beings. I can't believe it.
Santa: I'm sorry, Louie, but according to my lawyers I am not allowed to any
more on that subject. We were all sworn to secrecy. I shouldn't have
mentioned what i did there.
Louie: We'll move on then. How do you get the toys delivered all on one
night?
Santa: Well it isn't easy. I'll tell you that. That part of the operation has
gotten a lot worse all through this century. It used to be easier in
the past. In the beginning of this century, you only had roughly one
billion people in the world. Now, you have 5.2 billion running around.
I can't disappoint the kids around the world, so I have to look at
ways of speeding up my operation. I've been thinking of replacing the
reindeer all together with more modern equipment so I can keep up with
the rising population.
Louie: What would you replace the reindeer with?
Santa: Well, I had Chief Engineer Scott and Lt. Commander Data up here at the
workshop two weeks ago. They said I could get a warp-drive engine
cheap. All I have to do is say the magic word.
Louie: What's the magic word?
Santa: Snugglebunnys!
Louie: What does "Snugglebunnys" mean?
[EDITOR'S NOTE : This is a family publication. So, the graphic sexual content
of the interview with Santa has been edited out!]
Louie: Now to a touchy subject. There are those groups in the world religious
communities that claim you are not what you seem. These groups claim
that when you re-arrange the letters in "Santa" you can spell "Satan".
They also claim that you really are the Dark Overlord of Hell. They
would like us to believe that you use the guise of the Jolly Ol' Elf
as a way of converting innocent youngsters to the ways of the dark
side of the modem. Any truth in that?
Santa: Well, you know that you are the first interviewer to ask me that
question outright. Lots of your kind of hint about it and beat around
the bush, but, do not have the guts to ask it directly. I find your
candor refreshing.
Louie: Could you please answer the Question.
Santa: What if I were Satan? What would it prove?
Louie: Well, that would make you evil.
Santa: Ah, but, would it? You see... I have two jobs. In one, I am the Jolly
Ol' Elf who brings Christmas joy to billions of little kids. In
another, I am the mean bad [CENSORED] of the deepest reaches of the
pits of Hell. Two separate jobs.
Louie: But wouldn't you try to convert little kids to the dark side of the
modem if you were Satan?
Santa: Nope. You see, I have two jobs. When I am Santa I am the nice guy you
read about all the time. When I am the Dark Overseer of the Burning
Bath House, I am a bad [CENSORED]. If both jobs didn't pay so little
cash, I could afford to quit one of them and go to full time work.
Louie: Which job would you pick if you could?
Santa: I'm really not sure. Both jobs have their good points.
Louie: Thanks for the interview Santa. It was nice of you to let me drop by.
Santa: Anytime, Louie. I'll do anything for Jim. Whatever Jim wants of me,
I'll give him.
Louie: Well, let's just hope he doesn't want me dead, then.
Santa: You should hope that, Lou. You should hope that. <<EVIL LAUGH>>
Let's just say that when Santa started to laugh like that, I ran out of
there like a bat out of Hell. But then, Santa knows all about what a bat out
of Hell looks like, so I won't say that.
Lots of startling revelations in that interview with the Jolly Ol' Elf.
We found out that Santa really is Satan. We should wonder if Midnight Tree
Bandit will survive Christmas. Will Smokey the Bear Bar-B-Q Rudolph in the
future? Scary stuff. Scary stuff.
Louie 9@7654 & 6@1 IceNEWS Contributing Writer
ÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄ
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ The Day Santa Came... ³ Ima Moron 1@9661
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
I like to think that I'm a nice guy sysop, so with Xmas wondering toward
us on the calender I thought my users might like to "chat" with Santa Claus.
The idea dropped on myself last year when I called the local IceNET support
BBS, where I first eyed over one Santa version 1.0 written by Rich Waugh. As I
read through the docs I realized that I had one proverbial barrel of laughs, I
found that the door (YES! this was written for Wildcat and Searchlight type
BBSs) created a logfile of the Santa and user dialogue.
You'd think that a sysop would derive a boring dialogue of wants from
their user base, actually the users were more interested trying to trip up
their seasonal benefactor. I've edited out the best of what my users tried out
on the old boy from the north pole, and I've block copied that dialogue to the
lines below. BTW - I also fooled around with editing the santa.dat response
file, this is the keyword and synonym-triggered responses that Santa replies
to the users.
Special thanks to 1@9653 The Electronic Maelstrom BBS for E-mailing his
santa.log file which I have included in this editing.
ÉÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ»
º SANTA v1.0 º
º DrawBridge BBS (c)1992 Rich Waugh FIDO º
º (303) 523-1717 (dialog written by Ray Barry) 1:369/2 º
º OBSERIAL 3.00 (c) 1992 º
ÈÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍͼ
===============================================================================
Christina ?????, entered SANTA v1.0 on 11-26 at 21:33
===============================================================================
Santa: Christina! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Christina: just me and my cat..
Santa: What? I speak every language but there are some words I can't
Santa: read. Can you word that a different way?
Christina: no
Santa: no? Are you holding something back, like a name or description?
Christina: no
Santa: Tell me more.
Christina: I want Star Trek Stuuf for Christmas..
Santa: Tell me more.
Christina: More and more memory for my computer..
Santa: Some things warm Santa's heart... Computer is one of them.
Christina: And a faster modum and a bigger hard drive..
Santa: Try using different words. You're beyond my English vocabulary.
Christina: Santa needs to go to school..
Santa: I nearly got that. Try another sentence construction.
Christina: more money
Santa: Money is like having Santa around 12 months a year.
Christina: yes true
Santa: True for sure... or only a little? :)
Christina: bye
SANTA terminated normally at 21:37
**************************** Editors Note *******************************
It is here that I felt that Santa needed some help with the users, you will
notice where I've edited some of the replies from Santa, with grace I hope.
**************************** End Editors Note *******************************
===============================================================================
Dave ?????, entered SANTA v1.0 on 11-27 at 20:22
===============================================================================
Santa: Dave! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Dave: No I brought some friends.
Santa: Ah, being friendly and having friends brings joy to your life.
Santa: And to a friend's life also.
Dave: Yes does Santa...How did you get your name?
Santa: You have the spirit of Santa with you.
Dave: How did you get your name?
Santa: I nearly got that. Try another sentence construction.
Dave: How did you recieve your name?
Santa: Try using different words. You're beyond my English vocabulary.
Dave: How is Mrs. clause?
Santa: Earlier today Eliza finished the inventory of the wrapping paper and
Santa: ribbon. What brings you here this evening?
Dave: My family.
Santa: What? I speak every language but there are some words I can't
Santa: read. Can you word that a different way?
Dave: I am here because of my FAMILY.
Santa: WELL! What a surprise!
Santa: But I knew that all along. :)
Dave: How is rudolf
Santa: Rudolf and his glowing schnoz is always here when he's needed.
Dave: How about dasher?
Santa: All fed, washed, polished and ready to go.
Dave: Dancer?
Santa: It's a pity the scenery only changes for the reindeer in front.
Dave: Prancer?
Santa: Those antlers! Every reindeer has a magnificent rack.
Dave: Vixen?
Santa: Hmm... Santa may not have heard of it in those terms.
Santa: Is there another way to describe that?
Dave: You know VIXEN....the fourth reindewer!
SANTA terminated normally at 20:27
**************************** Editors Note *******************************
OK, OK, nobody's perfect. I went back in and "fixed" the reindeer problem
and I added Vixen to the linup. I also edited some responses.
**************************** End Editors Note *******************************
===============================================================================
Josh ?????, entered SANTA v1.0 on 11-29 at 16:48
===============================================================================
Santa: Josh! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Josh: youre wrong i am alone
Santa: Then it's just you and I, and Ms Claus taking notes.
Santa: What's on your wish list this year?
Josh: a 14.4 modem
Santa: Some things warm Santa's heart... modem is one of them.
Santa: I might be able to help you out.
Josh: ohh really hows you reindeer doing
Santa: Try using different words. You're beyond my English vocabulary.
Josh: hows your reindeer
Santa: There are nine reindeer now, Donner, Blitzen, Cupid, Vixen, Comet,
Santa: Prancer, Dancer, Dasher, and of course Rudolph.
Josh: ok
Santa: You have the spirit of Santa with you.
Josh: how is your weight
Santa: That's something the elves and I will talk about, maybe I will.
Josh: are you going on a diet
Santa: What? I speak every language but there are some words I can't
Santa: read. Can you word that a different way?
Josh: no
Santa: no? Are you holding something back, like a name or description?
Josh: no i am not
Santa: Tell me more.
Josh: i have to go
Santa: Hmm... Santa may not have heard of it in those terms.
Santa: Is there another way to describe that?
Josh:
Santa: Please try again, Josh.
Josh:
SANTA terminated normally at 16:51
===============================================================================
tony ?????, entered SANTA v1.0 on 11-30 at 20:06
===============================================================================
Santa: tony! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
tony: nope got the kids right here...
Santa: Tell me more.
tony: well tony jr. is 9 and tonya is 5...
Santa: That went up on the Big Blackboard here in my den.
tony: it did...???
Santa: I nearly got that. Try another sentence construction.
tony: hows the wife?
Santa: What? I speak every language but there are some words I can't
Santa: read. Can you word that a different way?
tony: wife?
Santa: Hmm... Santa may not have heard of it in those terms.
Santa: Is there another way to describe that?
tony: YOUR WIFE
Santa: Try using different words. You're beyond my English vocabulary.
tony: HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOO i said how is your wife..
.??
Santa: I might be able to do that.
Caller forced off by SysOp at 20:08
**************************** Editors Note *******************************
Well Santa needed a bigger vocabulary, the word wife should ring some kind of
bell with the old timer, I reedited the santa.dat file to include wife.
**************************** End Editors Note *******************************
===============================================================================
Dave ?????, entered SANTA v1.0 on 11-30 at 22:42
===============================================================================
Santa: Dave! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Dave: I am alone
Santa: Then it's just you and I, and Ms Claus taking notes.
Santa: What's on your wish list this year?
Dave: peace
Santa: Peace is like having Santa around 12 months a year.
Santa: If you know what I mean?
Dave: yes
Santa: We see things the same way. :)
Dave: what do you want this year
Santa: You put a twinkle in my eye with that! :)
Dave: do you want anything
Santa: I've been hearing that a lot this year.
Dave: vixen
Santa: The reindeer are ready to fly! Of course Rudolph will be the lead you
Santa: you can rest on that thought.
Dave: what about comet
Santa: Santa never travels light, and the reindeer never lose the baggage.
Santa: I think you can count on Santa coming through. But for now, it's my
Santa: secret.
Dave: and cupid
Santa: Those antlers! Every reindeer but Vixen has a magnificent rack.
Santa: She's a doe you know!
Dave: what about dodder
Santa: Santa has many ways of bringing joy, as we all do, but he keeps
Santa: things secret until Christmas.
Dave: I meant donder
Santa: Try using different words. You're beyond my English vocabulary.
Dave: donner
Santa: This is a secret, I hope that you won't say a word (shhhh!),
Santa: Vixen is in love with Donner!
Dave: tzen
Santa: I nearly got that. Try another sentence construction.
Dave: what about blitzen
Santa: Every year Santa brings more toys than Ronald McDonald sells hamburgers.
Santa: I'll be by this year!
Dave: do you want peace
SANTA terminated normally at 22:47
===============================================================================
Michael P. ???????, entered SANTA v1.0 on 11-30 at 23:35
===============================================================================
Santa: Michael! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Michael: no, I have some [CENSORED] in my pocket
Santa: The elves will probably tie a bow on that, I hope you like [CENSORED]
Santa: that way?
Michael: how are your reindeer
Santa: I can only tell you a couple of things about myself before
Santa: modesty compels me to retire for this session.
Michael: can you name the reindeer
Santa: I love the beating of the raindeer hooves on the sky. Do you?
Michael: yes
Santa: We see things the same way. :)
Michael: name the reindeer
Santa: There are nine reindeer now, Donner, Blitzen, Cupid, Vixen, Comet,
Santa: Prancer, Dancer, Dasher, and of course Rudolph.
Michael: how is rudolph
Santa: That's something the elves and I will talk about, maybe I will.
Michael: so how's your wife
SANTA terminated normally at 23:38
**************************** Editors Note *******************************
As you can see, the old boy can deal with swearing. The problem here is that
Santa isn't recognizing the reindeer prompts. Back into Santa.dat.
**************************** End Editors Note *******************************
===============================================================================
ED ??????, entered SANTA v1.0 on 11-30 at 23:55
===============================================================================
Santa: Ed! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Ed: no I'm not, I have a [CENSORED] in my pocket
Santa: The elves will probably tie a bow on that, I hope you like [CENSORED]
Santa: that way?
Ed: laugh
Santa: Santa enjoys a good joke.
Ed: can I have a helicopter
Santa: Santa can't promise that, but I promise to try.
Ed: and a house
Santa: Try using different words. You're beyond my English vocabulary.
Ed: a house
Santa: What? I speak every language but there are some words I can't
Santa: read. Can you word that a different way?
Ed: house
Santa: I nearly got that. Try another sentence construction.
Ed: plane
Santa: Those may be to large for the sleigh, and to expensive for Santa.
Ed: helicopter
Santa: Those are expensive items that you wish for, better call
Santa: the Treasury Department.
Ed: peace
Santa: Peace is like having Santa around all of the time.
Santa: If you know what I mean?
Ed: i do
Santa: Hmm... Santa may not have heard of it in those terms.
Santa: Is there another way to describe that?
Ed: nodeal
SANTA terminated normally at 23:57
**************************** Editors Note *******************************
Well I realized at this time that I'm not the only one with full pockets. I'm
glad Santa can deal with the user's imaginations. Back into Santa.log.
For the next few user and Santa dialogs the log file is from The Electronic
Maelstrom BBS, my thanks to PeP'e 1@9653, back to the show.
**************************** End Editors Note *******************************
===============================================================================
elizabeth , entered SANTA v1.0 on 08-17 at 22:46
===============================================================================
Santa: elizabeth! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
elizabeth: i'm not?
Santa: What? I speak every language but there are some words I can't
Santa: read. Can you word that a different way?
elizabeth: who is with me?
Santa: WELL! What a surprise!
Santa: But I knew that all along. :)
elizabeth: okay. what do i get for christmas?
Santa: Every year Santa brings more toys than King Wendy McBurger sells
Santa: hamburgers. But he never tells!
elizabeth: oh. can i have a better computer?
Santa: Anything is possible with Santa... anything.
elizabeth: really? can you help my mom? she has to have surgery on her neck,
and we are a very scared
Santa: Santa can't promise that, but I promise to try.
elizabeth: okay. i'm sure you have many others to attend to, so i will let you
go...
Santa: Glad to see we agree on that.
elizabeth: `goodbye...
Santa: I've made a note of everything you said. I won't forget.
elizabeth: okay. 'bye
SANTA terminated normally at 22:50
===============================================================================
Stephanie ??????, entered SANTA v1.0 on 08-30 at 09:15
===============================================================================
Santa: Stephanie! Welcome to Santa's computer room. Come right in.
Santa: I see you're not alone...
Stephanie: no
Santa: Tell me more.
Stephanie: like what
Santa: Hmm... Santa may not have heard of it in those terms.
Santa: Is there another way to describe that?
Stephanie: I want sex for christmas
Santa: Sex is like having Santa around 12 months a year.
Stephanie: not from santa
Santa: Try using different words. You're beyond my English vocabulary.
Stephanie: I want sex from my husband
Santa: Some things warm Santa's heart... husband is one of them.
Stephanie: I hope that is all the word warms
Santa: I'm sure you know that English isn't my native language. I have
Santa: no native language. English is one of hundreds of tongues I speak
Santa: but I can't read or write (or type) it very well. You understand.
Stephanie: this is [CENSORED]
Santa: If [CENSORED] is what you want from Santa, [CENSORED] is what you'll
Santa: get.
Stephanie: I don't want [CENSORED]. I want sex. And not from Santa.
Santa: If you want to give Santa Claus [CENSORED], I'll return the favor.
Stephanie: bye
SANTA terminated normally at 09:47
===============================================================================
Ima Moron 1@9661 IceNEWS Contributing Light Bytes Editor
ÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄ
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ Silly Strings ³
³ From Icenet Sysops Everywhere ³ Ima Moron 1@9661
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
taglines....
Lord Shadow #1 @7678 Shadow Canyon (BBS)
ROMAN NUMERAL BINARY CODE; iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Midnight Tree Bandit #1 @8411 The Many Titled Board
Old folks boogie... your mind makes a promise your body can't keep
Grey Wanderer #1 @3358 Mithrandir's Magic Shop
"I am Fudd of Borg. Wesistance is usewess!"
Grey Wanderer #1 @3358 Mithrandir's Magic Shop
I'm in the Metallic Age: Silver hair, Gold teeth, Tin ear, Lead *ss.
Will #1 @6754 Data Express
"Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers"
Alkar Zephyr #1 @4506 [Royal Monarch] Alkar's Keep
Remember, only forest fires can prevent bears!
Ghost Wheel #1 @9714 WWIVNET - The City of Avalon
Good and evil, dependent on your place on the food chain..
If you wish to add your miniesm string edits, hardcode humor, or merely a
noteworthy tagline, please E-mail those to 1@9661.
Ima Moron 1@9661 IceNEWS Contributing Light Bytes Editor
ÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄ
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ User Horror Stories ³ Deacon Blues 2@7653
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
Every sysop who has run a BBS for any amount of time can remember at
least one user who gave them nothing but grief and misery. Maybe the user
tried to hack the BBS. Maybe the user and the sysop had a falling-out and the
user blasted the sysop in explicit language on virtually every message base on
the board. Maybe the user calls repeatedly without giving others the chance to
get on, tying up the BBS in prime-time by playing games and downloading .GIFs.
Maybe you've deleted this person before (perhaps even several times) only to
have them try to call back under a bogus account.
Then, there's always the occasional blatant bogus user who picks a handle
that usually has something to do with genitalia or sexual orientation who
called only to see if they could wreak any havoc before you delete the
account. Lest we forget the computer-illiterate newbies who badger sysops with
innumerable common-sense questions about computing and BBSing - provided that
they're even literate enough to figure out how to mail the sysop in the first
place. Whatever the reason, the result is always the same: a headache for the
sysop, and, more often than not, a deleted account.
It is with these people in mind that I would like to present what I hope
to be a continuing series of articles chronicling "User Horror Stories" from
sysops around the network. I want to know what problems you've had with
particular users while you've been running your BBS and how you dealt with
them. User horror stories sent to me by others will be then posted in future
issues of IceNEWS in the hope of showing others how to effectively deal with
problems that they may be encountering (keep in mind that good taste prevails
and profanity will be edited).
Send me your "User Horror Stories" at:
IceNEWS User Horror Stories
C/O Deacon Blues 2@7653
IceNEWS Contributing Light Bytes Editor
Since this is a new idea here, I'll post a couple of stories from the BBS
I'm co-sysop on, The Cavern, @7653, to give you an idea of the types of
stories I'm looking for. To paraphrase the famous line from Dragnet, "The
stories you are about to read are true. The names have been changed to protect
the guilty..."
-=- "I Don't Know What It Is, But I Know I Want It!" -=-
Several months ago, the sysop here, Spelunker, undertook adding RIP
graphics support to The Cavern. With the modification came the new choice in
the new user logon asking users if they would like to "Use RIP graphics
support using RIPterm? Y/N" RIPterm is the terminal program that allows users
to view the RIP graphic script files in a 16-color VGA format.
However, many new users are unaware of the fact that you can't view the
RIP graphics unless you are calling using the RIPterm terminal program (or
using another RIP-compatible terminal program, such as QModem-Pro v1.5x).
Without RIPterm to decipher the graphics script file, all of the menus on the
BBS appear as what looks like screen garbage or line noise. About half of the
new users who choose RIP graphics support don't have RIPterm, so when they try
to call up a menu, all they get is gobbledy-gook.
They then proceed to send mail to Spelunker asking why they can't read
the menus and why our board is all screwed up. While I do like RIP in general,
I'm almost sorry that Spelunker put it in because now he has to deal with
these new users who ask for something without knowing what it is and have to
keep telling them to download RIPterm. In fact, he's even indicated that he
may not add the RIP support to our new version of WWIV 4.23, which is still in
the process of being modded offline (at the time this article is written).
Personally, I can't say that I much blame him if he doesn't.
-----==================------
-=- "You Want Me To Put That WHERE?" -=-
Sometimes even when we do get someone to download RIPterm from The
Cavern, that's still no guarantee that the person will know what to do with it
once they get it. We had a rather computer-illiterate user download RIPterm
from us and then send the sysop mail the next day saying that he can't get it
to work. I happened to be around a day later when he called back again and got
to chatting online with him, asking him how he set it up. He just told me that
he unzipped it, but it wasn't doing anything. I asked where he had unzipped it
to and he then told me that he'd unzipped it into his Procomm directory! He'd
thought that RIPterm was a passive terminal program, like the type used for
playing certain online door games. He was unaware that RIPterm has it's own
complete dialing program.
I quickly told him to delete it from his Procomm directory and install it
into its own separate directory, just like the docs had specified. He said he
would do it right away and then he'd call right back. In the meantime, other
users had gotten on the BBS and I had to leave before this user called back.
The next day, I'd received mail from him saying that while RIPterm was now
loading-up for him, it wouldn't dial out. I replied for him to go into the
setup program and make sure he had the right comm port setting enabled. I then
got mail back from him asking ME what comm port his modem was set up on! I
couldn't believe it. I told him to check his Procomm setup for the proper
setting since that worked fine. Much to my relief, he finally got it
straightened out, but not without more than one loud groan from me.
-----==================------
-=- "My Monster... If You Only Had A Living Brain..." -=-
Every once in awhile, we'll get a new user at The Cavern who's unfamiliar
with the software and wants to send mail to the sysop. Since they're obviously
unaware of the function of the `F' command, they use the `E' command. When the
prompt asks them who they want to mail, they enter `SYSOP.' Now, the sysop's
name here is Spelunker (a fact which is mentioned only on every logon screen,
the new user validation letter, the system status screen, and the main menu)
and not `Sysop.' So WWIV then proceeds to look for the closest instance of the
word `SYSOP.' Sure enough, we have a user named `Lord Sysop #262' on our
system, who is the sysop of another local BBS. The BBS then asks the user `Do
you mean Lord Sysop #262? Y/N.' Wrongly thinking that he is the sysop of this
system (never mind looking at his user number), they answer `yes' and then
proceed to ask him questions about whatever needs or problems they had with
The Cavern, like `Can I have more time online' or `can you put a file online,'
etc.
It boggles the mind...
-----==================------
-=- "Who `NEW'?" -=-
Tell me if YOU were ever actually this `green' at BBSing. We actually had
a user who would call The Cavern thinking that, since he was new to calling
BBSs, he had to logon as `NEW' every time he called!
This guy actually went through the new user logon routine four different
times under four different names! He never once complained about why he
couldn't use the name he wanted (since that account already existed) or why he
had to keep giving out his name and address and all that good stuff. He simply
just kept muddling along.
We validated the last of his accounts and sent him mail telling him that
he didn't need to go through all that stuff again. Sure enough, the next time
he calls, he logs on as `NEW' again. We just said "to Hell with it" and put
him and his name variations into TRASHCAN.TXT.
As my hero Al Bundy likes to say, "Why don't you just SHOOT me, Peg?"
-----==================------
After posting an advertisement soliciting submissions for the premier of
this column on the IceNET Sysop sub, Martin, #1 @6257, replied with the
following entry that I classify as being a victim of the "Columbo" Syndrome:
-=- "Oh, Ummm... By The Way, Ummm... Just One More Thing..." -=-
The only one I have is this:
I had a new user log on who was new both to BBSing and to computers. I
called and validated him and answered a couple of questions as we spoke. The
next morning when I checked my mail, one of the pieces of waiting mail was
from him. He had another question which I answered. You can probably see this
coming, but the next morning he had left another question for me. I don't mind
answering questions but as time went on I began to realize that he did NOT
want to ask his questions publicly; he wanted to ask them of me. Well, okay,
fine.
Among other things, he was having trouble setting up his terminal
program. I decompressed a copy of a good one that I had on the board and set
it up for him with my board in the dialing directory. I then mailed it to him.
He thanked me for helping that way and continued to ask questions of me via
Email. I began suggesting to him that if he'd ask his questions in the public
message base, others could respond and others could learn. He ignored this and
kept up an almost daily barrage of questions. I answered each one, but began
letting them sit a day or two (both because I didn't have the time, and to
encourage him to post his questions publicly).
It's been long enough now that I've forgotten all the details of this
person's legacy here but things came to a head when I was reading some Emails
(I do this only occasionally to spot-check) and saw a message from him to
another, newer, caller telling the newer person not to ask me too many
questions because I, as he put it, "get p-----d off if you ask him too many
questions". At that point I answered one of his waiting E-mails telling him
that he was welcome to keep his account on the board but I was through helping
him. I told him that I'd read the mail and didn't appreciate his bad-mouthing
me to new callers. He responded by denying that he'd done anything wrong and
telling me that I was more or less obligated to help people because I was
running a BBS. He also began posting disparaging messages which I deleted; at
that point I also deleted his account.
This person then logged back on and begged me to give him another chance,
which I did but with a fairly restricted access. I told him he was on a
probation period and I'd watch his use of the system and evaluate his account
as time went by. Within weeks he began pestering me, and it got to the point
where he began threatening me with the FCC (I owed him full use of my system
because it uses the phones). He challenged me to delete his account and "feel
my wrath". I obliged and put in the BADPHONE.MOD. He's given up on getting
back online here but I occasionally hear from people who call here that he's
posting on other boards about how terrible a board I run, etc."
-Martin
-----==================------
Proof-positive that there's just no pleasing some people, Martin. Well,
now that everyone has the idea of what I'm looking for here, I hope to be
hearing from you with your own "User Horror Stories" to share with myself and
the readers of IceNEWS in future issues. Until next time, good day and may the
good users be yours!
Deacon Blues 2@7653 IceNEWS Contributing Light Bytes Editor
ÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄ
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ New Year's Resolutions ³ Deacon Blues 2@7653
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ
With all the talk of Santa Claus in this January issue of IceNEWS, some
may have lost focus on what lies ahead. By the time this issue is prepared and
distributed to you, the Jolly Old Elf himself will have already passed by,
delivering either snazzy presents or stinky coal (which almost makes it seem
like Halloween by giving tricks or treats), and returned home to slack off for
another year. It would be logical, therefore, to include something about the
upcoming New Year in this issue, since that's pretty much about when you will
first be reading this.
Like my forefathers before me and their forefathers before them, I have
fallen into the habit of making up a list of obligatory New Year's
resolutions. You know, resolutions. Those things that everyone says that they
want to change about themselves or accomplish before the end of the coming new
year. That's right, the ones that we've always forgotten by around 12:05 am on
New Year's Day after kissing and shaking hands with friends and relatives and
other people you really don't much like and after downing a glass or two of
some usually horrendous champagne that tastes like it could be used as an
alternative fuel source or to remove paint in a pinch.
As if it's not bad enough that we're expected to make promises to
ourselves that we know we have absolutely no intention of keeping, custom
dictates that we share these untruths with others around us at the time.
Exactly what purpose that this serves is unclear to me, but far be it from me
to stray from customs, useless or otherwise. Since I personally despise such
things <g>, I guess that I might as well be among the first people to weave my
tapestry of fertilizer and be bloody well done with it.
Here it is, my list of New Year's resolutions for 1994:
-=- I resolve to be nice to newbies in 1994. Even the completely
computer-illiterate ones that get stumped by such deeply technical
questions such as "Log On With Your Number Or Name Or NEW" or "ANSI
Graphics support detected. Use it? Y/N." Well... maybe...
-=- I resolve not to call out to any more long distance BBSs in 1994. I figure
that, being a co-sysop, I should be able to snooker or coerce other users
to fetch the material for me by tempting them with inconsequential access
raises. You'd be surprised what 5 points will get for you...
-=- I resolve to answer my user mail more quickly. As of this year, I will now
clean out my mailbox once every other week as opposed to my old habit of
doing it once every other month.
-=- I resolve not to allow embattled political maestro Ed Rollins to run my
campaign for "Best Co-Sysop" in the annual Western New York BBS Awards.
Last year I paid him $400,000, lost the election, and then two days later
he posts on the general discussion sub that he paid the money I gave him
to newbies NOT to vote. Then, the next day, he posts that someone hacked
his account and posted that paying-off newbies stuff. Now the Feds are
after me. Screw him. I can lose without his help, anyway.
-=- I resolve to validate all unvalidated accounts from 1993 sometime by the
end of 1994, unlike last year.
-=- I resolve not to call any more non-WWIV boards. Why settle for second
best? Besides, I get lost and homesick.
-=- I resolve not to write anymore 24k-long parodies for IceNEWS like
"SysGods" anymore. From now on, no less than 32k a crack. Let the pigeons
loose.
-=- I resolve not to download any more shareware games. They're all the same
bloody damn thing anyway. If you've played one, you've played them all.
Now .GIFs, there's somethin' really worthwhile...
-=- I resolve not to take the BBS down for two weeks, change the menus and
welcome.ans file, and put it back up online later as a "new" BBS, even if
it will boost the daily user activity percentage by 50%.
-=- I resolve not to download more than my total body weight in meggers. I
weigh 300 lbs.
-=- I resolve to continue my successful policy of hiding behind the "Sysop is
NOT available" status. There's no feeling in the world like the one that
you get when you catch someone doing something wrong on the system and you
hit F10 and say "Hi there..." The ensuing five to ten seconds of stunned
silence you get before the user either responds or hangs up is priceless.
-=- I resolve to cross-gate the Rush Limbaugh sub with the Howard Stern sub
and then sit back and watch the fur fly.
-=- I resolve to show members of the media once and for all that all computer
users are not bad people. I'm going to do this by hacking my way into
Fox's satellite uplink and over-riding their broadcasts of "Beverly Hills
90210" and substituting it with re-runs of the old "Max Headroom" series.
I fully expect to receive the Congressional Medal or Honor for this. Just
think, if I could over-ride "Married... With Children" instead, maybe I
can even pull-off a Nobel.
-=- I resolve not to change my handle again. After editing 47 opening ANSI
screens, half-a-dozen strings, and a dozen hardcodes on the BBS to reflect
the change, I've learned my lesson.
-=- I resolve not to discriminate against file leechers or gamer scum. I will
play no favorites and just close down the online game and transfer
sections to everyone and consider the job done.
-=- I resolve to send e-mail to the White House via Internet and ask how come
Bill is such a tubby guy when he always jogs so much. Then I resolve to
wait quietly while the men in black suits and sunglasses come to have a
kindly chat with me again...
-=- I resolve to arbitrarily delete ANY user who uploads CA$HFLOW.ZIP to this
damn BBS. It's been uploaded here under so many different damn file names
by so many different damn people that it's no longer amusing. I've quickly
learned to despise that [CENSORED] file and anyone associated with it.
And...
-=- I resolve to bash on NASA every chance I get. Not that this has anything
to do with computing or BBSing. I simply have an old friend who works at
the Johnson Space Center that I razz whenever I get the chance. Making
this resolution is a personal yearly tradition. It is also the only
resolution that I actually keep.
Since misery loves company - and let's face it, making resolutions is a
pretty miserable experience - I also posted on the IceNET Sysops sub and the
IceNEWS Beat sub that I was looking for resolutions from others for the coming
New Year. Here's what I got:
Odin, 1@7664, at The Nine Worlds Of Asgard resolves to:
-=- Get rid of some access baggage (on me, not Zeus!!! [Odin's brother and
co-sysop] ;) ).
-=- Get rid of the "Odin is sleeping" sysop status notation on my board!
Everyone thinks that I am one lazy individual.
-=- Stop bashing Dr. Feelgood on the Network Sports sub....NAHT!
-=- To go these [local] wing dings, whatchamacallits, winter fests, and
picnics!
-=- Make some $$ to improve the board.
-=- Make enough $$ to buy a house for me and Elmo [his dog] ... and The Nine
Worlds of Asgard.
Lestat The Immortal, 1@9982, of The Theatre Of Vampires states:
-=- I resolve to spend at least one hour with my wife each day. Of course,
that takes one hour of modding away from me each day, but that is my
resolution.
-=- I resolve to spend less than my annual income on The Theatre Of Vampires
in 1994.
Hindu, 1@168, from The WannaB-BS in Okinawa sends this long-distance
resolution:
-=- I resolve not to call stateside for GIFs any more cuz within about an hour
after I get off the line, I can find 'em on someones CD Rom... B)
I also beat-up on others on the IceNEWS staff (or is it staph? :) ) to
try and wring some resolutions out of them. I managed to beat the following
confessions out of my fellow IceNEWSies:
From Ima Moron, 1@9661, of Das' Tube BBS, fellow IceNEWS Contributing
Light Bytes Editor:
-=- I resolb to use teh wwivedit spell chicker on every posp an E-mail from
now on.
-=- I resolve to instill good BBS etiquette upon my users by example, or I'll
[CENSORED] the little [CENSORED].
-=- I resolve to delete the "How to Make a Real Cat-Hide Rug" from my
boardedit, I'll replace it with "The New Grimm's Tales" sub and maximum
age restrict the subboard to 10 years old.
From Louie, 9@7654, at Paragon, IceNEWS Contributing Writer:
-=- I resolve not to start fights with Wayne Bell on the IceNET Sysops sub
over real world politics, even if he is wrong.
-=- I resolve not to post off topic messages on any other sub around. Well, at
least for as long as I feel like keeping this resolution.
From Will, 1@6754, at Data Express, IceNEWS Contributing Hardware Editor
and Managing Editor for this issue:
-=- I resolve not to volunteer to edit IceNEWS ever again. :)
From Jim, 1@1, of The Great White North, IceNEWS Editor-In-Chief and
Network Coordinator savant:
"I've given this a great deal of thought, but when you have achieved the
degree of perfection that I have, it's very difficult to mine the depths of
your soul for any possible things that need be resolved. THEREFORE:"
-=- In 1994 I resolve to screw up a lot, so that next year I can give you a
decent resolution!
Jack Ryan, 1@4707, of Patriot Games, IceNEWS Contributing WWIV-Specific
Editor, was on assignment for the CIA evaluating North Korean nuclear threat
potential when this story was being written. Covert attempts to contact him in
the field for comment in this story were unsuccessful as Jack was considered
`incommunicado.'
And, finally, from Spelunker, 1@7653, of The Cavern, IceNEWS Production
staffer and the man responsible for compiling the final stories into the
format that you see before you, comes the obligatory:
-=- I resolve not to make any New Year's resolutions for 1994.
I'd like to thank all of those who took the time to participate in the
writing of this article. I appreciate all the extra input. From all of us here
at IceNEWS to all of our readers, I'd like to wish everybody a happy,
prosperous, and safe New Year. Here's looking forward to 1994!
Deacon Blues 2@7653 IceNEWS Contributing Light Bytes Editor
ÄÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÄ
ÚÄÄÄ IceNEWS Staff For: Volume 4 Issue 1 January 1993 ÄÄ¿
³ ³
³ IceNEWS Editor-In-Chief - Jim 1@1 ³
³ IceNEWS Managing Editor - Will 1@6754 ³
³ ³
³ IceNEWS Contributing Editors ³
³ ³
³ Hardware - Will 1@6754 WWIV-Specific - Jack Ryan 1@4707 ³
³ Light Bytes - Ima Moron 1@966, Deacon Blues 2@7653 ³
³ ³
³ IceNEWS Contributing Writers ³
³ ³
³ Louie 9@7654 Music Man 1@9680 Cuthalion 290@6754 ³
³ ³
³ IceNEWS Production - Spelunker 1@7653 ³
³ ³
³ IceNEWS is always seeking submissions from those who have ³
³ ideas for stories. If you have any ideas that you might ³
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ÜÛÛÛÛÛÛÜÜÜ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÜ ÜÜ Wishing you a very
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