346 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
346 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
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[%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%]
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[%] [%]
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[%] TPR/The Phrozen Realm [%]
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[%] Presents: [%]
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[%] [%]
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[%] The complete story of how to [%]
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[%] become elite in 514. [%]
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[%] [%]
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[%] Typed in by: [%]
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[%] [%]
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[%] Mechanix [%]
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[%] [%]
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[%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%][%]
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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NOTE: Even though this file is distributed with HDK #4, it consitutes
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a serious text, and I will once again stand behind everything
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said in it. Enjoy.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Well, this is the first HDK submission printing. I will continue
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doing this if people send texts in to me. Anyways, enjoy this, but I doubt
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you will, since most of you will feel especially targeted in this one. And
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also, no 'flipper' writting in this one, it's meant to be readable.
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%Introduction:
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Well, this file goes out to all you so called 514 elites out there.
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This focuses on you pirates, hackers, phreakers and others who basically
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have no idea how useless you really are. So if you feel offended by
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anything you read here, chances are I hit the nail on the head. For the
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others, keep reading, it should be great fun.
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%Credit:
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A lot of credit goes out to the following people and organizations
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for inspiring me through this text. All users on TPR for helping me make
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fun of the pirate scene, the Neon Knights, Metal Communications, VAS, and
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all the other groups who realeased files on the lamers of the world, it
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was great fun.
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.-------------------------------------.
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| The complete history of a 514 elite |
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`-------------------------------------'
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Well it all starts out on some special day like christmas. This is
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when all the little boys and girls get there presents. Well, in this
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story, let's take the example of a 15 year old boy, and let's call him
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Max. Ok, so it's december 25th, and Max is so happy, he just got a new
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computer that his parents gave him for school. It's probably something
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like an Amiga or IBM PS/1, one of those family packages they advertise on
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television for an outrageous sum of money. Anwyays, this is where our
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story starts, because with this nice computer, the company also included a
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super 2400 baud modem and a set of numbers to call. So Max says: "Woopee!
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Neeto!" and runs to his room to install his computer. Well after about 9
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hours of hard work, the family finally gets the thing working, and Max is
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left to try out his new toy, since that's all this is for him, a toy.
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First thing Max does is call up a few of the numbers he got with the
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modem, most of them being the various Compuserve dialups in the country.
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So he dials the phone number. It rings, picks up, and Max lifts the phone
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and starts out: "Hello? Hello? I just got my modem and I..."
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"Wooosshhhhh", the modem blasts in his ears. Max drops the phone and runs
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crying to his father. They read the manual together, and Max realises the
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modem will pick up on it's own. Well, after a few days, Max has spent
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close to 24 hours a day on Compuserve, and spent close to $500 on his
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fathers credit card, with CIS billing.
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But one day, Max gets ahold of his first BBS number, most likely some
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public domain system that requires membership. So he calls up. Then he
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gets the all so famous Juxtaposition list. "Wowzerz, this is neet. Look at
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all the numbers I can call! Yippie!". So Max spends close to four weeks
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entering the complete Juxtaposition list in his Procomm dialing directory.
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Of course, the first systems he calls are the ones with 'XXX' in the
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description. Problem is that once he has all the GIFs, he has nothing left
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to masturbate on. So he looks for the ones saying 'Games'. "Damn! There
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aren't many". By this time, school is back on, so Max asks his friends for
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places to get neeto games for his computer. One of his friends gives him
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the number to a pirate board. Max can't wait, and almost wets his pants
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waiting for school to finish so he can go play with his modem.
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That night, Max dials up the pirate board. "Damn! It's busy". So he
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leaves the modem on redial for about 2 hours, waiting for it to ring.
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After 2 hours of staring at the Procomm redial box, it finally rings and
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connects. Max, once again, almost wets his pants. Soon, the screen clears
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and he sees:
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Enter user name or 'NEW' for new users:
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So Max types in:
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Enter user name or 'NEW' for new users: 'NEW'
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Unknown user, you may not access this system.
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Enter user name or 'NEW' for new users:
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Anyways, after 3 attempts at typing in 'NEW' with the quotes, he finally
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tries it without. It works. (It takes a while for the hamster in his head
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to start turning the wheel). Then he is prompted for a handle, or alias.
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"Hmmm! This is Neeto! I can use a cool name!". After thinking for 20
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minutes, and being logged off for inactivity, he applies as Captain Cool.
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So then he leaves a new user message:
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Hey! Hi! This place looks real cool. I got your number from a
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friend in my class at school! Say's you have NEETO GAMES!!! I
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want them all! My father just bought me this swell computer!
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It's the best! I'm sure it's better than what you have! My dad
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is the best! he has lots of money to get me cool software. So
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if you want to be my friend, let me have all your games!!!!
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Captain Cool
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save
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end
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finish
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help
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sysop!!!!!
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Then he hits enter until the maximum number of lines is reached and the
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message saves itself. Well, most of the time, idiots like this get
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deleted, but sometimes, the sysop is stupid enough not to care, so they
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get on.
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Well Captain Cool calls back every hour until he is finally validated
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the next day. Then he goes straight to the files. After hitting '?' 300
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times to figure out the menus, he downloads everything until his ratio
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explodes. Then he tries to chat the sysop 8 times for more file ratio, but
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no response. So he keeps trying to download, but it won't let him.
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"Daddy!!!! The computer won't give me more games!!!!! Sniff". Then finally,
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the sysop enters chat:
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The sysop will chat with you now.
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Sysop> Yes?
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CC> Hey! Dude! How come I can't get no more files? I still have 20
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minutes left!!!
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Sysop> You're a 2400 lamer man!!! Get a real modem, and I'll give you
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no-ratio!!!
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Anyways, the sysop is as big an idiot as Captain Cool, but I did say this
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was a pirate board. So Captain Cool goes crying to his father that he has
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a shit modem, and that he can't play games and all. So his father goes out
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and shells out $1000 for a 16.8k USR Dual Standard with all the options
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imaginable. So after this, for a few weeks, Captain Cool roams through the
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pirate boards, calling others off the bbs list, and leeches his brains
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out. But now, it's summer, and Captain Cool can spend all day leeching
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everything he sees. He also posts messages like the following:
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Hi dudez! It's cool here! So what new games do you guys have?!!? I just
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got Elite War Beta version 4.3 Full Realease!!! I phoned my friends and
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they don't have it!! No way!!! It must be new!! And I have it! I'll send
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it here if one of you wants to trade for something I don't have!!!
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Please post me lots of mail!!! See ya dudezz!!!
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Captain Cool.
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Captain Cool also notices many 'warez' trends out there, and starts to
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modify his signature accordingly. Here are some of the signatures he goes
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through in a matter of days:
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Capatin Cool
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Kaptain Kool
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---==== Kaptain Kool ====----
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--=====%%%%>>> KaPTaiN K00L <<<%%%%=====--
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---===>>>>> ]</-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<<<===---
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And finally
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---====####>>>> ]</-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<<####====---
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SuPeR CRaCKeR PiRaTeS President!
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K00l ANSi D00DEZ CouRRieR
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Co-SySoP of Universal Warez World
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Yes, Kaptain Kool had discovered groups and we must also point out that
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his signature contained about 20 different ansi colors and animations.
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By the middle of summer, Kaptain Kool's posts were looking like this:
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(About 4 lines of spinning cursors on top)
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D00dEz!!!!@$!@! JOin My K00L NeW GrOuP SuPeR CRaCKeR PiRaTeS [ScP]!!!
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wE GeT aLL the P-FreZH NeW WArEZ FASTT!!! I G0T RadICaL SuRFinG 3D
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ExpANsIoN MODUle, It's AWEsUM!!!@$@!! WiTh MY FAsTTT M0DEM I KaN GeT
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WaREZ In UndER 0 SecUNdZ!!%@~! Kall UniVerSaL wArez WoRlD f0R 0 SEcUnD
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WAReZ!$!!%!!%$ OnlY 9600++! No 24oo LAMerZ!!@!$@!$@ 24oo Are LamErz, Get
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A reAL ModeM!@@!@!@$ Hahahahahahah!@!$#@!$
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(Then a 2 minute ansi animation signature)
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---====####>>>> ]</-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<<####====---
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SuPeR CRaCKeR PiRaTeS President!
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K00l ANSi D00DEZ CouRRieR
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Co-SySoP of Universal Warez World
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Well, by this time, Kaptain Kool was well on his way to become a real 514
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elite. He has his 16,8k modem, his 400 meg hard disk has OS/2, Windows
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3.1, and Desqview/X installed. He has every game ever released. Each time
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he boots his machine, there are colors and windows popping all over the
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screen. He has his new Sound Blaster Pro, and his new Gravis Joystick to
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play all those neet warez with. He calls bbses 16 hours a day, and before
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going to sleep makes a batch download for *.* so that it lasts all night
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and he wakes up with 172 megs of new warez to play all day. Yes, Kaptain
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Kool was truly happy being a 514 elite. Soon Kaptain Kool, and others of
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his 514 elite friends, decided to set up boards, and then came a network.
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Of course the boards had names like:
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Universal Warez World
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Gamez Factory
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Super Elite Neeto BBS
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And the network was an all 514 network, so you could reread the same lame
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messages on 8 different 514 boards, just to make sure you could understand
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the messages if you didn't the first 6 times. Also, the net got maybe 10
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messages a day (about 2/board/day) and most of them were just elites
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requesting some new piece of software or how to finish some game. This
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would not matter, because most of these idiots spent more time logged on
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locally to there board than all of the remote callers put together.
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Occasionnaly someone normal would venture onto the net, but then the
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elites would quickly react like this:
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(10 lines of spinning cursors and cursor movement)
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Hey!!! WhO iS THiS Guy?!!?!? Hey D00De!!! i HoPe you HaVe a KeWL 16.8k
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M0DumB, oTHeRWiSe You aRe a LaMeR and KaNN0T B oN DiS ELiTEZ-ONLy
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NeT!!!! Go aWay iF yOuZ DoN'T HaVe 0 SeCuNDZ WaReZ LiKe uS REAL
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ELiTEZ!!!
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---====####>>>> ]</-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<<####====---
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SuPeR CRaCKeR PiRaTeS President!
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K00l ANSi D00DEZ CouRRieR
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SySoP oF SuPeR ELiTe NeeTo BBS
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Co-SySoP of Universal Warez World
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So the normal person would just rag on these elites for a while and leave
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them to there pittiful little world. Also, turning back to the boards,
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they would advertise them, always with some 50 line ansi, but this would
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be the contents of the average add:
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KaLL NoW!!@$!@!
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SuPeR ELiTe NeeTo BBS!@$!$@!
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96oo+ ONLy!@@!$!
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No 24oo LaMeRZ!@@$!
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0 SeCuND WaReZ!@#@!@!~!
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1.2 GiGZ!!@!@!
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ViSiON/X V.96 Beta 3 test 4.562 AlPHa SiTe!@@!@!!
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SuPeR CRaCKeR PiRaTeS UHQ!@#!@
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ANSi D00DeZ SiTe!#@#@!!
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K-RaD ELiTe NeTWoRK!!$~!%!~!!!
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514-T00-K00L
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NuP: WaREZZZ!
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No RaTio FoR LD CaLLeRZ!~!!~@!~!
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Of course, by now, his rich daddy had bought him a 1.2 gig hard disk. Now,
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the most important part of this add is the last line: "no ratio for LD
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callers". This obvious desperate plea to make his board worthwhile was
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caused by the fact that he had heard that there were other bbs callers
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outside of 514. "Neeto!!! Wowzerzzz!!!" Kaptain Kool thought.
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Well this attitude goes on all summer. Then one day, while Kaptain
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Kool was scanning new messages on some other board, he noticed he needed a
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password to access a message base called "H/P/V/C/A/T" (lame, but it was
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another elite board, so...). He begged the sysop for the password, so much
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in fact, that the sysop exchanged him the password for the number of K-RaD
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WaReZ uNLiMiTeD BBS. So then began Kaptain Kool's downfall. With his new
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password, Kaptain Kool logs on to the h/p base. There are 45 messages,
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the first ones dating from 6 months ago. But what's this in message 3? A
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PBX number! A code! Kaptain Kool had heard of these, but never saw a real
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one. He quickly hits alt-h to drop carrier, and calls his friend to figure
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out how to use them. Too bad Kaptain Kool didn't keep reading, since he
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would have realised that already 4 people had been billed on that code,
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and that was 2 months ago. So Kaptain Kool gains the knowledge to use his
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new code. Now he is set! He calls up some board in the US, something with
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5 nodes and 12 gigs, and of course has no problems getting in with his
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16.8k modem and his 1.2 gigs of 0 second wares. Important to point out
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that nobody cares how much you actually know, as long as you can upload
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like a madman, effectively becoming a slave to the higher placed sysop. In
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any case, Kaptain Kool keeps calling out, tying up his code for 6 hours a
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day, and leeching even more games to play. By this time, Kaptain Kool has
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gotten a really inflated ego, almost up to par with the current 514 elites
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we all know and admire (not). Seeing the following messages has become
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common in 514:
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(16 lines and 3 minutes of cursor movements of all sorts)
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HeY LuZZaS!!@~!@!@ I JuST GoT 100 MeGZ oF ToTaLLY K-FReSH NeW WaReZ F0R
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ELiTeS oNLy!@!#@ aND i CaLL LD NoW@!@!@! i aM a ReaL K-RaD PHReaKeR aND
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HaCKeR!!!@$@ I aM oN 56 oTHeR LD BoaRDS LiKe K0mPleTeLy ElIte HaNgaR,
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and NiFTy WaREz Inc0rp0ratED!!!@#@#@!!! I DoN'T NeeD THiS SHiTTy BBS No
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M0RE!$@@! I am ELiTE aND S00Pa PhREaKer@!#@!#@ I wuz On a K00l AllIANze
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LasT NiGHT!@@!#@#@! We TalKED aBouT WiNG CoMMaNDeR 72 and ELiTE
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StuPh!@!#@@#!@#! See THaT?@!? 'PH' Is HoW ReaL PhReaKERs Write The 'F'
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S0Und!@!#@@# I'm K00l!#!@@ So I Don'T NeeD This ShiT BBS, I'm t00 k00l
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and EliTE foR y0u!!!@@! FucK you ALL!@@!#@ LAMERZ!@#@!@!!!!@!
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---====####>>>> ]</-\Pt/-\In ]<00L <<<<####====---
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SuPeR CRaCKeR PiRaTeS President!
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ELiTE PHReaKeRZ and HaCKeRZ MaSTeR!
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K00l ANSi D00DEZ CouRRieR
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SySoP oF SuPeR ELiTe NeeTo BBS
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Co-SySoP of Universal Warez World
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Kaptain Kool also joined a group that was a 514 bbs crashing group. They
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took down public domain boards and pirate boards who didn't let them have
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no-ratio. He wrote some trojans, the best of which was the following:
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TROJAN.BAT
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@Echo off
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c:
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cd\
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del command.com
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Echo HEY!!!! L0sEr!!!! yoU've BeeN KiLLEd bY BBS killerZ Inc.!@!#@!
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Then he compiled the .bat into a .com file. Of course, Kaptain Kool still
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tried to get on to real h/p boards, but since he didn't even know what
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unix was, he was never accepted. Eventually, Kaptain Kool acquired a copy
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of a scanner/hacker, something like Code Thief. So of course, Kaptain Kool
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scanned all night looking for carriers and tones to get codes. He once
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found a unix, but thought it was a bbs, and never figured out why he
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couldn't put 'NEW' at the 'Login: ' prompt. He posted for help like this:
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HeY Do0DeZ!!@#!@ I juSt SkAnnEd A UnIX DiAlUp, H0W Kan I aX-S IT!!@$!@!
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But no one really cared about him on h/p boards, and none of the other 514
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elites knew how to use unix, so he gave up. After 3 months of abusing the
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same code, the local Bell office finally picked up on Kaptain Kool. He
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never stopped to think that using a code for 6 hours a day, everyday,
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might draw attention.
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So one day Bell finally decided to prosecute, and the RCMP was sent
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to search Kaptain Kool's house, and arrest him on a count of wire fraud.
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Of course, once arrived, the RCMP was delighted to also find 600 tapes
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full of copyright games to be able to add on a software piracy charge. In
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any case, Kaptain Kool was prosecuted and sent to juvenile reform school
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for 6 months (since he was a minor) and his parents fined $10,000 for the
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long distance charges. In detention, Kaptain Kool pissed off a 6'5"
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football player who killed the other team with his teeth, and when Kaptain
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Kool refused to bend over for a hump, Kaptain Kool was found inside the
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kitchen blender, his organs spinning in a circle in his own blood.
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The moral of this story? Not really one, except that if you're a
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stupid useless warez d00de, then you are useless. All you do is take up
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space on this planet, and you will never be anything but a warez monger.
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- END -
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---09/20/92---------------------------------------------------------EOF------
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