287 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
287 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
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| -- Weekend Anarchy -- |
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| A documentary, nay, manual on the widely studied |
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| and practiced art of creating havoc and general social disarray |
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| _| Compiled by: Sid Vicious |_ |
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| | Assisted by: Bacardi 151 | |
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Chapter One: An Introduction to the Anarchial Arts
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First off, I guess I must allot for those of you who don't know what I
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mean when I say Anarchy. (ALWAYS capitolize that word...don't forget!) Well,
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maybe I should start off with a definition..
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Anarchy: <`an-ahr-kee>...noun. 1. A social structure without law
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and order, government, or authority. 2. Utter confusion.
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3. A rebellion against what's accepted as right or correct.
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Ya...right outta Webster's own, there. Well, I HOPE that you got some
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idea as to what I'm talking about from that. If not, hit <ESC> right now and
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abort this phyle...it isn't for you. Done? Okay. Now that only the REAL
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people of the world are here, we may commece the study of the perfection of
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this art, and examine some of the newer developments and state-of-the-art
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achievements in this religous pastime...
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Chapter Two: Tools of the Trade
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Explosives - A personal favorite. As everybody knows, there are many,
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many, phyles floating 'round out there on this topic. I
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have seen dox and plans for everything from the front
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axle car bomb to the exploding ballpoint pen. So, you
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should have no trouble with this section..
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Flammables - Gasoline, hairspray, ANYTHING that burns enthusiastically
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classifies. However, with the availability of gasoline,
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and the relative inexpensivity, (now .68/gal!), this most
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often becomes the chosen fluid. Attain some, and I'll
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tell you what to do with it later...
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Projectiles - Yes, even the most basic of prehistoric weaponry can be
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the Anarchist's best friend. Everything from rocks to
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eggs to your little-shit brother classifies, anything
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that can be used to damage or destroy when thrown will
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do...however, due to the relative inexpensiveness and
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availibility of rocks leads to their wide usage.
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Instability - C'mon, let's not be silly. Every Anarchist is so BECAUSE
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of an inherent mental imbalance. A true Anarchist is a
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psychopathic Anarchist. This REALLY comes in handy when
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preparing for a "run", for to an Anarchist, quite simply,
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the mad, the impossible, isn't. This is sometimes
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referred to by Anarchists as "guts" or "balls".
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Transportation - (Preferably motorized...be real). Or, in many cases, a
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flock of such. A mandatory requirement for a successful
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authoritative attack, for true Anarchists don't get
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caught at the scene.
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Chapter Three: Mild Anarchism
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As much as people would like to deny it, prank calls, yep, prank calls,
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are a form of what could be known as "pre-Anarchy". It can even be found in
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The Spectre's infamous satire of the loser, "Anarchy for the PreAdolescent",
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under "Major Devilment fer the American Youngster." Face it, EVERYBODY has
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made prank calls once in a while for entertainment, and we still do, yet now
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it's more for profit than for amusement. Even the universally-despised jokes,
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phrases, and clauses told to preteens by their visiting grandparents such as,
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"Excuse me, but is your refrigerator running?" and, "Is there a John in the
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house?" are heard from time to time spewing forth from the mouths of giggling
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infants into the phone receiver into your hateful ear. It's unavoidable. Yet
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they do successfully annoy you, therefore, in essence, completing SOME form of
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mild anarchy. Face it, like it or not, these little shits are the phuture
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phreaks and Anarchists of America...
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More inventive forms of this nature include ringing doorbells and running,
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putting a modem on auto-redial at an enemy's home, letting air out of your
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neighbor's tires, and selling fake raffle tickets...(100% profit!) Yet, we
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must move on...
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Chapter Four: Anarchy for Amusement
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Yes, Anarchy CAN be an entertainment outlet for a slow Saturday night!
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Just get a couple friends together, grab some brew, and you're off to wreak
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unholy havoc upon society! But what to do first? Hmm, you consult your ever-
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ready "Anarchist's Handbook," and espie the seventh chapter, "Phun Through
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Blatant Destruction of Property!" Aha. That's the one, but how? Well...
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A. Spray Paint - Phun stuph! Sure, why not, for no reason at all, just
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go out and paint "Fuck You!" all over everything in
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sight, or maybe the infamous Anarchy sign, an encircled
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"A" everywhere? Why not, YOU won't have to clean up
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that mess? Hey! Why not paint "Can't Drive 55" signs
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all up and down Interstate 75 like on Sammy Hagar's
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album? A warning, tho. Park OFF of the InterState,
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like in a parking lot on a nearby road. That way, when
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the pigs see you, you've got plenty of time to scramble
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to the car and get away. Also, paint can be "picked up"
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quite easily from any drug store or hardware store, or,
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if you're not "into shoplifting," it's relatively cheap.
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A movie's about $4.50, a can of paint's $1.75 or so, I
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don't know, haven't BOUGHT any in quite some time.. But
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in any case, it's cheap entertainment. Not even a new
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Speilberg flick can get your heart racing like a cop
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chase can....
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B. Destruction - Where are those bricks I threw back here?!? Hmm, maybe
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one or two would look good in Ms. Johnson's living room?
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Sure, the colors match beautifully! But, aw shucks, the
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door's shut. No need to bother the sweet old bitch, we
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will just have to put them there ourselves...but how? A
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window -- perfect. Just toss 'em in there! I'm sure
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she'd like to thank you for your good day, but the Good
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Book says that we shouldn't do something for the thanks
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that we receive, but just out of the goodness of our
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heart...so, get out of there before she sees you and
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tries to thank you personally, it's the "good" thing
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to do...
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C. An Invasion - (of privacy, that is!) Blackmail material, possibly? I
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wonder... Grab your ever-handy beige boxes! A swift
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kick to the bottom of the phone box should cause it to
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open freely. Alligator clips, do yer stuff.. But if
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you'd prefer continual results, simply plant a "bug"
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in their house when you're there, like under the kitchen
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table, and, can't forget, under the bed... There are
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literally hundreds of plans circulating for the quik'n-
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easy construction and usage of this homemade hardware
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also, don't gripe if you can't find any, 'cuz if you
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can't, then you just haven't been looking!
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Chapter Five: Anarchy phor Profit
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Phynancial gain is the goal, social disruption is the route. No, I'm not
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talking about becoming a "hit-man" for the mob or anything, just some clean
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phun, and a little profit on the side. Sure, you could use step "C" above for
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blackmail and information hostage purposes, but let's be a little inventive,
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that's been being done for YEARS..
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No, you can't say that making people pay "protection money" is inventive.
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G'zus, it's on the "A-Team" every week, for chrissakes! Let's think.. Natch,
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we make money by calling with MCI, Metro, and Sprint, but, that's not outright
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collection of payment, that's...well, that's more like SAVING money, like
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clipping coupons in the newspaper, if you will...you get what you want for a
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lower price than usual. We need money, and we need it NOW! Maybe if you're..
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"into" this stuph..<ahem>..you could possibly CREATE an imaginary employee at
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some company deep within the bowels of the conglomerate computer? Maybe send
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his paychecks to a mysterious P.O. Box? Sure, why the hell not? Hey, this
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P.O. Box stuph sounds good. I wonder...
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Visa...MasterCard...American Express...Diner's Club...K-Mart Kredit Kard!
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Sure, goods on credit! It's the AMERICAN way, after all, isn't it? Why not
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do some late-night trashing? G'z..you'll have to miss David Letterman!?! Just
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go up to the video store, (Highland's the easiest -- they've a "no-questions-
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asked" return policy), and "buy" a VCR. (I'm sure you can get ahold of yer
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mommie's kredit kard for an hour or so to do a little shopping..). Next stop,
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Radio Shack. Waltz inside like you're some rich preppy/yuppie with all the
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money in the world, and he won't notice the holes in your faded jeans, he'll
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think that they're "in." Sunglasses always work best, for some reason, rich
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people tend to wear 'em a lot. (Why not slip a pack of ten'a dem cheap-ass
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Tandy disks into your jacket as long's you're there? Don't worry...all their
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"security systems" are Tandy-Made, so they always work like shit anyhow..)
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Yes, sir, I'd like to buy THAT model. Yes, that's right, the TX156-34YI38Ejr.
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Yes, I think that'll be all. Here's my card. I'll sign...okie. Thank YOU,
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sir. (After all, you need some toons for tonight's trashing..) Now, return
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your mommie's kard, and, as soon'z it's dark, we're off! (But don't forget to
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return the box and the VCR after tonight, you can buy them on somebody else's
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card tomorrow! Or else mommie'll get mad...)
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Try to locate an "everything store," like K-Mart or Meijer's. These
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places are the most open, the most disorganized. 9 times out of 10 there will
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be a couple large trash bins behind the store. Whatever they try to tell you,
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they most often will NOT lock these, because that's the job of the stock boy,
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and he's most often more concerned with Jenny, the salesclerk in Electronics
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to bother once he's off work. Most of their stock boys are about 16 or 17, so
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as long as they're NORMAL teenagers, they'll do as little as possible to keep
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from being fired. Why lock the bins, sir, who would want to go in THERE?!? I
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would.. EVERYTHING they have goes in there. The salesclerks are SUPPOSED to
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rip the carbons in half, but we know how often they REALLY do that. Even
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when they do, it's no problem getting the name, number, and anything else you
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may need for kard identification off of a ripped carbon, they usually stick to
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each other anyhow.. Get one kid to keep watch, and everybody else go fishing
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for anything...computer access codes, (good luck at K-Mart!), telephone
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numbers, kredit check phone numbers, but, most of all, look for kard karbons!
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These will provide you with a limitless source of TV-Ad goodies and mail-order
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stuph.. This search should take anywhere from :30 min to all night, depending
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on cop surveillance. Fill suitcases and travel bags with anything that looks
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important, you can sort it all out at home.. (This is one good thing about
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K-Mart, there's no produce section..no rotting food to sift through..)
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Got it all? Now, just flip on a local station, or MTV, or whatever, and,
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before you can say "I Love Ma Bell," you'll run across 9 or 10 million ads for
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stuff like "Ronco 'In the Shell' Egg Scramblers" and "ACME Nosehair Clippers"
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and the like..write down the phone number for the company that makes whatever
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product you could want, and give them your name, (off of the kard, stupid!),
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and your kard number..and presto! In 4 to 6 weeks, you've got your own brand
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new set of Ronco Party Circumcisers..free of charge. (YOU try to say "I Love
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Ma Bell"...*I* can't!) Another good idea is to cruz over to the 7-11 and,
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once you've gotten your Slurpee, buy a lot of mail-order magazines, (ie. Ninja
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Magazines, etc.) They've got a lot of kard order forms and phone numbers..
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But, don't phorget! NEVER SEND THE GOODS TO YOUR HOME! That's the PERFECT
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loser thing to do.. Always find a "drop point," like a vacant house which is
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for sale, or a P.O. Box. You cannot be traced back through either method...
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Have phun...
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Chapter Six: Havoc and Hell
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Just what you've been waiting for, I knew it. Well, there are SO many
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different forms of Anarchial aggression that it would be impossible to even
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TRY to list them all. New and inventive methods of destruction are being
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conjured up every day, so I'll just try to give a brief overview. First off,
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I'd like to state that you don't HAVE to be a stoner or a headbanger to be an
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Anarchist, you don't even have to drink alcohol. You can be perfectly NORMAL
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and...well, I guess if you didn't do any of that you wouldn't be normal, would
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you? Anyhow, you can be perfectly NORM..er..ODD..and still be an Anarchist at
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heart. You don't have to be into blatant destruction, you don't even have to
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like heavy metal music...but it helps. Who knows, maybe you just like to
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replace normal light bulbs with gasoline-filled ones? Maybe you just, for
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some reason, enjoy running down little kiddies.. YOU can't help it. So, if
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you can't help it, pursue it. Become the best hit-and-run artist on your
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block! Maybe even in the whole county! Modify your vehicle to your interests
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and mount a kangaroo bar on the front of your Ford Bronco or S-15, so that the
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people you run over slide more easily under your car...maybe even put a window
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in the floor so you can see who you just helplessly maimed? Ms. Johnson? Oh-
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hello...did you enjoy the bricks? You did? That's good. If they convulse,
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you did it right.
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A good way to make a great start on a successfull career as another one
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of "those 'Anarchial Assholes'" is to try drowning the neighbor's cat in their
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pool. Hmm, knowing how much cats hate water, we'll have to try to find a way
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around their fears...see how thoughtful Anarchists have to be? I think that
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it's a very good training for future life myself.. Hmm, howzabout the infamous
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TV favorite, "cement shoes?" Perfect. But how to get the cat into cement? Ah-
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replace the kitty litter with cement and spike the cat's water with something
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like the cyadine found in many medicines. It's barely perceptable, so the cat
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will get blitzed off of its ass and then go to the kitty litter, and get
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stuck inside.. Cats make a LOT of noise when they realize that they've been
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trapped, so act quickly before suspicions arise.. Slip the cement out of the
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bin, (don't forget to use "no-stick" PAM before!), with the cat stuck by all
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four legs inside, and have a friend wash out the bin quickly..it should be
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somewhat clean, so then re-fill it with kitty litter before you are noticed.
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Hurry up, or you'll miss all the fun. Drop the kitty into the pool. If you
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used the right cement, then you won't have to worry about it sinking.. It is
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actually quite interesting the way that all the cat's fur floats in the water
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with every current! Wild.. Next target...the dog! Make your own lynch plan
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for the dog, I haven't perfected one as of yet, they are too big and noisy..
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(I don't consider chihuahuas and the like to be dogs..they are just sub-dogs)
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You can treat sub-dogs as cats, tho, if you want the cat to have some
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company... Hey, why not try the bird? Easily captured, easily cemented! It
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really is quite funny watching a bird try and fly with it's feet cemented..
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don't worry, they sink just as well as anything... Most of all, tho, have
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phun at it..experiment!
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______________________________________________________________________________
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-Weekend Anarchy- is a Trademark of DeadMan Operations and Activities, Inc.
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(K)opyWrong 1986 -- D.O.A. All Rights Phucked
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______________________________________________________________________________
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(*) This Phyle Was Compiled by the Phollowing (*)
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Sid Vicious Acid Reign Riff Raff Bacardi 151
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(+) Thanks For Your Immense Contributions To My Juvenile Delinquiency, Ma! (+)
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