562 lines
25 KiB
Plaintext
562 lines
25 KiB
Plaintext
TO KEEP LAYERS HAPPY !
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----------------------
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UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHALL ANYONE EXEPT YOURSELF BE LIABLE FOR
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ANY INCIDENTAL OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES THAT IS, LOSS OF MONEY,
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TIME, INTELLIGENCE, OR BRAIN-CELLS DUE THE ACTS, USE OR MIS-USE
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AND OR INSTRUCTIONS DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY CAUSED BY THIS TEXT
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FILE OR INFORMATION.
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====================================
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ALKO buying guide
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for people under 20 years..
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In Stereo Where Aviable
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Version 1.70
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Written by Matte
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All rights reserved by Matte
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Copyright 1991, Matte
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Hi from Matte
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COPY ME
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Dedicated to all the
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hackers out there on
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the phone lines !
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====================================
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WARNING: Parts of this file has been written in not such a sober
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condition . Normally I (try to) write my text files in a quite a
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strict manner but this is quite the opposite ! Here is quite a lot of
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'crap' what doesn't really belong to the subject but in some cases
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will cause a kind-of-a comic situation.. Anyway... HAVE FUN !!
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This text file is not recomended for children under 6 years (drinking
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?!?!?!?) and over 25 (still consider yourself a child? / need this info,
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if you do.. I just can say you must be the biggest looser in universe..
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(No offence/personal..))
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International note:
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-------------------
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For thoose of you who are not living in Finland there might be some
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incorrect things here (I'm sure there are anyway but..) That is that the
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age you have to be to buy booze might be totally screwed up { What's the
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difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb ? You can Un-Screw
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a Light Bulb} For example [..listening to the wind of change..] in
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Finland you have to be 20 years old to buy Alcohol drinks what contain
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more than was it some 18% While in France it's 16 years for string drinks
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and 12 for Wine and so on.. But what a hack.. I mean Heck !
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Let's start !
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-------------
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This text file is describing a how to get booze from shops, ALKO
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and so on while you are not as old as you should in fact be in order
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to be allowed to buy it. Of course this can be used for all kind of
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other things too, but mainly this is a text file describing how to
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"look" older.. I'm myself 16 right now and I get without any problem
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booze what you need to be 20 to buy , In fact I was 15 when I started
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so.. I'm a little over 180cm long right now and my weight is not much
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over 65kg.. (Long & thin guy & etc..) [honey won't you come back and play
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if you dare]
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Due the fact that this is a computer file it's no doubt that there
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will be more boys what will read this than girls . Therefor here is
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no information/hints about how girls should behave but I think that
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it's quite the same as boys (at least the general idea..)
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A little note.. Be sure to have ID that you really are 16 or 17 years
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(Or how old you REALLY are).. I once got in problem when .. I was out
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and buying Booze, when I had to proove I really was 16 in a bus (To buy
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children ticket..) <grin..>
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Right.. You don't belive that you would be able to get booze from
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Alko . (I'm sure some of you might not be able but 99% I guess should
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be able to get 'it' (I mean if you are having a hair going down to
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your shoulders, a ministereo on full volume, pilot jacket, full of
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Metallica, Iron Maiden, Guns n'Roses, etc stuff on it, ripped up jeans,
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scarf around your head, sun-glasses, boots, you better think it over once
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more.. (Should I soon stop this parentacasing !?!?))))))))))))) But I have
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bought allready at least maybee 20-30 times and I'm sure it's not just
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luck ! And what happends yesterday ?!?! I went to Alko bought 2 Dry Vodka
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(40%) then I go to a food shop and should buy some beer (in fact 8 o'em)
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and what happens? They are starting to ask for papers !?!?!?!?!
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Theory
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------
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There are 3 reasons the clerks can sell they are:
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1) You look old enough
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2) You look very sexxy
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3) You know someond working in the shop
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I will only (in this text file) discuss the 1st theory to get, but briefly
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taking over the other ones (I'm by no means any expert in them but anyway)
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Sexxy theory:
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-------------
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Use your head.. I mean your <sensured> !
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You-know-someone-in-shop-theory:
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--------------------------------
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Go up to a seller and start talking to her/him. This can just be
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some questions like "How are you today ?" "Where can I find
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this whiskey ?" etc etc etc Anyway main point is that you look
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like YOU know her/him and the seller sees that and belive that
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.. You know the seller . In fact this just happened once I
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was asking where I could find some whiskey and well when I went
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to pay they seller asked me if I knew her.. Then I tried it
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another time and It worked again !
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Anyway this txt file should discuss how to look 'older' and we should not
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start finding out how to get friends in Alko or should we ?!?? Looks like
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I'm all the time getting of the real track.. This Txt file seems to be
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a big collection of bull-shit by a drunk teenage-mutant-ninja-hacker !
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If you are really desperate you can allways try to steal booze but that
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I have NO experience of and I don't want to have either.. That's somebody
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elses task to write a text file about..
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Of course if you don't have any contact and you don't get no matter
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how hard you try you can allways ask your parent(s).. <grin..>
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When to buy
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-----------
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Avoid Friday afternoons, It's a real major problem buying 10 minutes
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before the shops close up . [..your' rushin' headlong out of coontrol..]
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If possible choose some early morning just after the shop has opened .
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Some school-break ?
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What to wear ?!?
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----------------
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Try to wear some shirt what has buttons all way down in front.. You know
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I just don't know the English word :-) Then a Tie will not hurt either.
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(But I don't usually use it ). Avoid Jeans rather take some 'finer'
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trousers and a leather belt . In Finland there are some quite popular
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magazines called 'Iltalehti' and 'Iltasanomat', Take one of theese in
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your hand and it will make an even stronger impression. Don't not wear
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Sun-Glasses.. They allways ask you to take them off and your busted..
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And get a suit-case, that will also give a good effect !
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And if you like (= shave yourself in the mornings) remember to put some
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after shave on (This is also quite obvious but .. ARHGRHAGRHGRHGHRG).
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How much you should 'dress up' is completely comparable to how much you
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have experience and how old (or how old you 'REALLY' look like) if you
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look really old you don't have to dress up at all just walk in as you are
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but if you look like somekindofa hip-hop guy I think you better change
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clothes..
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FUCK!.. Clock is 4:30am and I'll gotta get my but to school tomorrow !
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Good night! Yawn Sigh..
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<20>hh.. I'll take.. Ehh..
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-----------------------
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If you are nervous (Like I was the first times.. Don't worry..) they
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won't kill you, The worst thing what can happend is you meet your dad or
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mom inside ;-) (I was once VERY close doing this..). Put on your best
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fake smile, take a deep breath count to 10 and go in.. [thunder<65>]
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Finland has 2 official languages they are Sweedish and Finish, Anyway
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Nobody (exept me.. ..) understands or should I say talk [ARF.. Batteries
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stopped in the Mini-Stereo.. hang on.. argh.. back..] it.. So My tactic
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is that I say my order as fast as I can (nobody will understand it not even
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myself) In Sweedish (the Clerk will not look like a huge questionsmark..)
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and he will most certanly say "H<>H?!?" Well.. Then you are a gentleman and
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tell you order in Finish and he will 'forget' to ask after any papers..
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This can sure by used in some countries where they only speak one language
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just say something what there is no chanse that he will understand (Will
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he understand .. [Is it love, is it lust, whatever it is I can't get
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enough ]Well.. You have to find out some nice excuse.. like.. who knows..
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like "Ehh.. This is completely wrong bottle ! I was asking for a Vodka
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and what do you bring me ?!?! some stupid beer ?!?" Before it's your turn
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take as big a breath as you can and hold it inside, Try it right now..
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Yeah like that.. And now try to speak while you are holding your breath..
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YEAH you did it !!.. Now.. You'r on your way.. Take a mirror and practise
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a few times.. Or of course you can go and practice to the nearest ALKO
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shop but... An nice thing is also to stand lightly on your toes so you
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will look longer and taller. However don't overdo it. [..I was caught in
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the middle of a railroad train..]
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What you also can do is look REALLY PISSED OFF, and in a BIG
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hurry this must though be really good done so the seller will think that
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'Better not talk to that guy, if I do he will start screaming & shouting
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and embaress me, better keep quiet'. Hold your breath in about 1,3min so
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you will get really red in face . (= cool effect) what you can do to look
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really pissed off..
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- look at clock 2 times a second
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- swing your car keys
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- go through your papers and check you have everything (lots'o'papers
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with lot's'a numbers on them.. print out some big Lotus 1-2-3 sheet
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and underline some numbers and you got your papers.. Priority 1 is
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that they look important!)
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- Look at clock again
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- Check your hair
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- keep eyes going around the room, restless
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This requires quite good acting but.. What don't you do for a bottle/
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money ?
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Another cheap trick is that you have a plastic bag with ALKO's logo
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on like you have been there before and bought booze. [.. Exit light, enter
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night..]
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Try to trap the clerks eyes as hard as you can, That is do not stare
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at him, nor should you let him look in any other direction. This may feel
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a little hard the first few times but with a little practise it will go
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just fine. But whatever you do do not look on floor/sky/roof when saying
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your order(s) !
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When it's time to pay you also have to use a little force, that is
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do not let him ask for anything just put the money in his hand.. Hard to
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explain but, You have to do it so he won't notice that you are
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acctually doing it.. But as with everything else.. Try.. Try and Try..
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Practice makes perfect but nobody is perfect so .. Why practice :O
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And pay in as big bills as possible, that is do not come in with
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a big plastic bag full of small coins.. <grin> If you act like you are
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angry and all the time looking at the clock have the money allready in
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your hand, if you are in 'no hurry' [here I am, will ya send me an
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angel] just have them in your wallet .
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WARNING: If you have money in wallet and are planning to take out the
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wallet so the seller can see it remove all ID papers (real), bus/train
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tickets and that stuff what can reval that you are not old enough!
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It also has a nice effect if you come in swinging with some car-keys
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don't overdo this one either I mean if bottles are starting to fall on
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floor you better take it a little cooler with your car keys.. ;-) But at
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least in Finland this trick is quite common so there is a chanse that it
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will only have a negative effect . But...
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Some other things you can have are:
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- laptop in one hand in other hand you have a lot of
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papers with a lot of numbers etc.. You know
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- Some paper on you what says something like :
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+-----------------------------+
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I <FirstName> <LastName> I
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+-----------------------------+
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Like you are working in some shop.. You know
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There are lot'a other techniques you can use just for example sit
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in a caf<61> and look at the crowd and look how an 'adult' looks like how
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he walks how he looks how he whatever.. You'll soon notice what makes
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an adult an adult.. But Hey This text file was about how adults looks
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like and what do I write ? You should go and take a look at the street
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big dissepointment ehh!.. Well.. I guess I can't explain it anyway in
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a text file.. I guess I can't even explain in words..
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And then a finaly little trick.. Do not start to smile after he is
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going after your booze, If he sees that your dead meat.. I mean He won't
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99% sure sell it to you.. ;( Do not move your face more than needed, keep
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it in a 'I don't even know your there' way when not ordering..
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And another this, when saying your order do not say it like
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"Could I maybee buy a One Corona brandy ?" <= notice question
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mark
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Rather like this:
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"One Corona Brandy !" <= Notice '!' mark..
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In other ways, be sure on what you want and do not "Ask" him if you could
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buy.. (= Ask him if you have age to buy it..)
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And.. A final note is that it's often best to go and 'shopping' alone
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(not with a gang of abt. 15-17 years old hip-hop guys breathing down your
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neck while buying) This should be quite obvious but.. Who knows.. [..get
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your money for nothing and your chicks for freee..]
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What kind of clerk ?!?
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----------------------
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I have a bad experience with fe-male clerks.. They are so.. .. Well
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I don't have to explain.. They ALLWAYS ask for papers.. And nor should
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you try young girls/boys. Of course if you are a real looker (Mr/Mrs.
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Universe) and walk in in some sexxy clothes.. Who knows but I suspect
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you .. Do not do that.. ;) <grin>. Take a male seller/clerk, and not
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too young.. Thoose young sellers are afraid of getting kicked out for
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selling to under-age.. And.. Well.. You know.. So if possible try to
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select a male what is maybee 35 up years old.. Really We though it
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would be easiest to get from 20-23 years old girls but.. Nope.. This is
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of couse just what our experisence shows and it can be totally the other
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way depending on where you buy.. Also this might be because I'm a boy
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and male sellers/clerks "trust" boys (Whoops.. Men). While women might
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not "trust" men as much.. AARGHARGA!!. Anyway.. try & see! [ when red
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hot man mets a white hot lady.. Hoop diddy diddy - Hoop diddy doo !]
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Though when I discussed this with another person she said that young
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clerks are the best ones.. But I think that the easiest way is that you
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find out how it is for you. each time you buy you write if you got or you
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didn't what kind of clerk, what time it was and then find out the best
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combination.
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Do you have papers !?!?!
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------------------------
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If it happends that they ask for papers.. Just say that "What a..!?!?,
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I have bought here 100 times before, and you havn't asked any papers
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why now ?!??!".. [.. the chiiildreeen ooof tomooroow ooon aaah gloory
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niight<68>.] I have only once got after they have asked for papers but..
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False papers ?!?! Where to get them from ?!?!.. Just make a visit to
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your local terrorist shop and tell them to make a false pass-port..
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<grin<69>> Well.. Maybee not..
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If you are real fast you can notice when she/he will ask for thoose
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**************************** things just drop some money on the floor and
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go down and and pick 'em up , after having said to the seller to wait a
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moment (You have to act some kindo gentleman.. sigh!). This will sometimes
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work and the seller will kindof forget that she/he asked for something and
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when you come up from floor you 'give' the money, In this move you have
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to be very 'sure' that is, not shake on your hand and slowly push
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it forward pressing your eyes together and so on.. Just boldly go where no
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man has gone before ! [...youuuh cooouuld beeeh maaiiaiinn...]
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Black Market..
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--------------
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If you are in real need, there is always the black market but . There
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is again always the chance that you get poisoned by methanol or get water.
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I have never bought anything myself but several times I have been offered
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by some ******* russian guy who wanted to sell some 75cl Vodka was it..
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50% Vol for 60FIM (Abt. 15$). [sorry can't make out any words.. just
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screaming, drumming, guitar-soloes * 10 + guys in background screaming in
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the background.. = music ?!?!]
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Or another cute way is of course that you buy 99% Alcohol and then mix
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your own drinks but... .. . Hard to find something that is not poisoned
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by something that smells & tastes like <sencured>.. But but but.. [..We'll
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keep rocking till the sun comes up..] . But this txt file was about how to
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get booze from Alko while you are under 19 years so why am I writing thing
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.. Humm Anyway I have to write a lot of bull-shit over here to get the size
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stretched out.. But on the other hand what is the reason with a 100Kb file
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just full of bull-**** !?! Well.. Back to business !
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What else to use it for ?!
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--------------------------
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The info you now know can be used to a lot of other things than buying
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alcohol ! For example ..
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- Get into movies you 'shouldn't' be allowed to see .. Ehh..
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- Getting summerjob ? And you are only 15 ? You got it !
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- Get into bars, discoes, clubs !
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- Get *h*ck* what are a lot older (What's the use ??!)
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- Buy chemicals & other poison what you need to be 18/20 to buy
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- Buy booze
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- etc etc etc
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- etc etc
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- etc
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- etc<74>
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- etc<74> + <20>(etc<74> * etc<74>) where n = etc<74>
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There is an trillion of reasons why you should use this info !!
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So...
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UU UU SSSSS EEEEE II TTTTTT !!
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UU UU SS EE II TT !!
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UU UU SSSSS EEE II TT !!
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UU UU SS EE II TT
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UUUU SSSSS EEEEE II TT !!
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What more ?!?!
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--------------
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Theese should help you up a little, please note though that theese are
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just what I have noticed what works. It could be just plain luck that
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I have got all theese times but I doubt it VERY much.. Remember it's not
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a question of how long you are, or how big you are.. I know one girl
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who is not so very long at all .. And she has no problem to get at all..
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(Maybee it is because of serval other reasons but <grin!>.. Anyway..
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Maybee I shouldn't talk about them here ..) [..off to never never land..]
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Another smart move is that read theese papers so you know them, that is
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do not come into shop hysterically look through theese papers for some
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hints about what to do..
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Good luck and best regards from.. Matte
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You are using all info you have got from this text file on your own risk
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pleasure & satisfaction.
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Inside jokes
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------------
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And remember the golden rule... "COREL DOES IT AUTOMATICALLY"
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and of course "Neidit Valittaa !<21>!"
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and not to forget "Barum Barum" And please don't have barm-festivales
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inside Alko-shops..
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And for thoose who didn't figure it out ALKO is a shop in Finland what
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sells booze..
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Thoose [off] small texts [to] in [ ] are just some [never] weird song
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[never] texts [never] running [land] in the background.. Disregards
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'em. { } are 'en again some small jokes..
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GIIHAA TO :
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-----------
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Andy How's your hand ?
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Pierre Poor neighbours
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Solar Why keep sober ?
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Spirit Keep sober while coding ?
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WIPerson "wiPeRSon"
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Tepi How's your balls ?
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Tjl Greetings to Tom from me
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Tom Greetings to Tjl from me
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Mice Da.. Da.. Da.. Da.. Da.. Daaarrrrrrrraaaaa
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2-Les Nice to have others who write messages in this world
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Tobe Kanske.... .. .. .
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Laatu How's your balls ?
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Julle Learning Assembler
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Mikko We were lucky.. At Hietsu..
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Madjack Good luck
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Eve Lucky you (You don't need this file)
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Papu Open up your BBS again
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Peicco Keep TuTing
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Arzenegger AAAARHG! You don't need this text file anymore ;(
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Sid Gotta release something new soon
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NightTrain Having fun in the wood ?
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Data Plip.. Plip.. Plip..
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Kamikaze Banzai
|
||
Dani Barum Barum
|
||
Meteor Hi
|
||
Spy New reader ready ?
|
||
Elkku Keep rocking
|
||
Reijo Though about it ? (joining..)
|
||
Ambra Thx for some hints
|
||
Joge When are you gonna cut your hair ?!?
|
||
Hena Luckily no calls yet, but..
|
||
Doc.Wizz Keep cracking
|
||
Kinkku Dream on
|
||
Ponde Thx for the party
|
||
MR Let's got to <20><>ga another time ?
|
||
RanX Don't come here and throw up
|
||
Army Yahoo
|
||
Arksa Keep up the good work
|
||
JayJay Call me sometime will'ya ?
|
||
Jasu How's your neck ?
|
||
Kride I'm too sexxy for this greeting
|
||
K F C Yo
|
||
Sakke Where is my Die Hard game ?!?!
|
||
Torre Learned C Yet ?
|
||
Erge How's "The good die young" going ?!?!?
|
||
Didde Looking forward doing business with ya
|
||
The Clan Hi
|
||
FC ..
|
||
Elite Club Let's go and have some FUN !!(Again!)
|
||
Sun Programming Service Development Team: Keep programming !
|
||
Everyone who was at Hietsu 28.8.91 and especially one person..
|
||
All gansters moving over phone lines in the rainy night
|
||
All hackers and crackers
|
||
And guys left out - Magge: SORRY!!!
|
||
|
||
And my personal FUCK OFFS goes to
|
||
---------------------------------
|
||
(It's no honor to be in this list !!)
|
||
|
||
magge Your such a looser !!
|
||
To quote Guns n'Roses "SUCK MY FUCKIN' DICK!" Suck your
|
||
Anus, Do the world a favor, hang yourself in the balls!
|
||
|
||
bosse ..Nothing personal but..
|
||
|
||
microsoft Learn how to code in Asm !
|
||
|
||
the guy who hacked Trk, Da.. Juast wait If I would see ya.. I would
|
||
wipe out your existence electronically ;), mash your
|
||
balls (you do have balls I suppose..) between my speakers
|
||
, put you and my speakers and a 1000Watt amplifier in
|
||
same room and full volume, Ahhhh... Just wait till I
|
||
catch ya and YOU ARE DEAD MEAT ASSHOLE.. !! And Oh..
|
||
Nothing personal ! I hate you with the bottom of my hart
|
||
HEHEHEHEHEHEHHHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEEEEHEHHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH
|
||
< GRIN.. >
|
||
|
||
Music stuff..
|
||
-------------
|
||
You have probably noticed thoose [ ] stuff, they where taken from
|
||
theese groups..
|
||
|
||
Dire Straits <20><> Money for nothing
|
||
Queen <20><> Innuendo
|
||
AC/DC <20><> Razors Edge
|
||
Scorpions <20><> Crazy World
|
||
Guns n'Roses <20><> Use your Illusion I & II
|
||
Metallica <20><> Metallica
|
||
+ Quite a lot more
|
||
|
||
A big Hi to all of 'em and their respective members !
|
||
|
||
Gotta comment ?
|
||
---------------
|
||
Write to the following address:
|
||
Matias Dahl
|
||
01100 <20>stersundom
|
||
<20>rnvik
|
||
Finland
|
||
Or call some popular TG BBSes in Helsinki (That is in Finland) and
|
||
leave a E-Mail to Matte (If your in luck I'm user there.. ;-))
|
||
|
||
|
||
Comments from thoose who have read it
|
||
-------------------------------------
|
||
- Can't say too much, It's great
|
||
- Marvelous !
|
||
- Nice crap
|
||
- Hehehehe..
|
||
|
||
Coming up
|
||
---------
|
||
I have quite a lot of plans of future text files in style of this
|
||
but I'm sorry I cannot reval them yet.. Heheheh.. Just wait .. I'm
|
||
VERY busy coding right now so just have patience !!!!!
|
||
|
||
Version History..
|
||
-----------------
|
||
v0.01 Just some bullshit written at/after/in/on a party..
|
||
v1.00 Initial release.
|
||
v1.20p A _LOT_ of typos was fixed, how many are still here ??!
|
||
Some errors were corrected and a few things added.
|
||
v1.2pq Some small stuff added..
|
||
v1.60 Quite a lot added
|
||
v1.61 Improved (?) the greetings added a few small things
|
||
some small typos..
|
||
v1.70 Again some stuff added & fixed & etc..
|
||
|
||
|
||
[I'm too sexxy for this file /click
|