226 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
226 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
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| .__|upermarket | un |
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_____________________________
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| .__|upermarket | un |
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By: <==-007-==>
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The first in a series of "Fun"
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philes....Next: Sibling Fun....
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Now, on with this damn phile, eh?
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As some of you might have already guessed, this phile will
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tell you all about how to have loads of fun in any supermarket or
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grocery store. There are many different things to do in a
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supermarket that will provide entertainment as well as pissing
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off people in general. First, though, you should get some
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friends to increase the entertainment value of the whole excursi-
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on, as well as to provide even more destruction.
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I've found that you can get away with a lot of things
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(playing chase throughout the aisles, playing soccer or football
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with various perishables, etc.) and no one will say anything. If
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anyone does say anything, do the kindly anarchist thing and tell
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them to fuck off.
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Ok. One very fun thing to do is fuck with the shopping
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carts themselves. You can fill up many carts and then strew them
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all around the store, for example. I'm sure that almost every
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employee just loves to spend their time ridding the store of the
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bogus carts you created. Or maybe you would rather gather ten or
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so carts and then make barriers in aisles when no one is look-
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ing. Wouldn't you like to hear "Um...Frank..someone seems to
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have made a collection of carts in aisle four, so could you clean
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it up please, thank you..." announced over the loudspeaker system
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of your nearest Giant or Safeway? Or you can have your very own
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shopping cart drag races in the frozen food section. Perhaps
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you're one of the more destructive types. If you are, then
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"bumper carts" is just for you. Just smash the carts into one
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another and relive those magic childhood moments at the carnival.
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One VERY funny stunt that produces great results is fucking with
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other people's carts. Just go around throwing things into carts
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when the owner is not looking. "Wait a minute..where the hell
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did this damn watermellon come from?! I hate watermellons."
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Doing that can greatly confuse a person, so go ahead, make
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someone think they're goin' crazy!
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Another fun thing to do at a grocery store is, of course,
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playing with the food. See how many times you and a friend can
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throw toilet paper over aisle eight without hitting anyone. You
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can always go for 'distance' by throwing fruits or vegetables
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over as many aisles as possible. Or perhaps you would rather
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test your bowling skills. Just stack up anything handy (paper
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towles, cans, plastic soda bottles, etc.) and roll any sphere
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like object at it (melons, or perhaps a can of Kool Aid?) You
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could always play a quick game of basketball. Just set up an
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empty cart and find something that bounces (or doesn't), then go
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for those three point shots. In fact, almost every major sport
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(except water pollo, but that's not a major sport, now is
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it?) can be played with ease at your closest supermakert or
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grocery store.
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Pissing off the employees is also entertaining. I'm sure
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you can think of many ways to do this, but try the following.
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Trying to buy alcohol if you're under age (insist that you
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aren't!), shouting obscenities, eating 'bulk' food right out of
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the container, dropping (accidently of course!) a few glass
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bottles, going down to where the employees eat and just sit at
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the table, and also try to buy nine packs of gum in the '8 items
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or less' lane. You could also try loitering, just sit at the
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magazine rack and catch up on your reading. Another fun thing to
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do is to keep bugging an employee hard at work. I'm sure an
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employee would appreciate it if you dragged him from his task
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just so you could buy one red hot from the bulk food section.
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Yet another entertaining thing to do is cause the store to
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lose customers. The easiest way to do this is to just buy
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something so you and a friend can get in line. Then look at what
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the person ahead of you is getting and tell you friend that
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"whatever the next person has" was laced with poison or something
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to that effect.
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Oh, here's yet another entertaining thing to do. Go outside
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the store and look for carts that are full and just sitting there
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with no on by them (the owner has gone to get his/her car).
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When you have found such a cart, take some bags or better yet,
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take the whole cart. Now you have a weeks worth of free grocer-
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ies. So get some friends together and have a party (what else
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would you do with six bags of food?) If the owner suddenly
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appears while you are "buying" your groceries, just push the cart
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as hard as you can at him/her and take off. If you are lucky
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enough two find two of these carts, then you can have some real
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fun. Just start taking things out of one cart and chuck it in
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the other, better yet, just exchange bags! Then sit back and
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watch the confussion. Although the people probably won't notice
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the difference until they get home and unpack. Don't you wish
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you could see their reaction?! Oh, you could also just take
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someones cart and move it down a bit...that way you could see
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their reaction and that would of course increase your enjoyment.
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A vast amount of fun can be had in the frozen food section.
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Just take some frozen products or ice cream and put them in one
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of those desrted isles so they can thaw out. After that, cruise
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over to where ever the food coloring is kept and snag some. Then
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go back to frozen foods and find some nice ice cream. Now just
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open up ice cream containers and put about thirty drops of red
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(or whatever color) food coloring in 'em. Wouldn't YOU be
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surprised if you opened up a half gallon of vanilla ice cream
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at home and found red swirls and patches in it??
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Do you want to get people in trouble? Then you can have
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lots of fun screwing with the prices of things. You can take
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some steaks and throw 'em into the "reduced food section". Most
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people are stupid and would jump at the chance to get a turkey
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for a few bucks. Or, you could just take a large marker into the
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store with you and write "5 cents" on everything you see. Write
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it on donut boxes, cereal boxes, soda bottles, or anything you
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see.
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My last topic is everyone's favorite, taking what is not
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rightfully yours (shoplifting, dumbass) It's surprisingly simple
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to lift things from grocery stores. I'm not going to give you a
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shoplifting tutorial here though, if you need to read a phile to
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learn how to lift, you're an idiot. Also, you can eat things
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right in the store if you want. Just take your snack to a
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deserted aisle and then satisfy your stomach. Of course, the
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only thing you could steal from Giant is food (or those cheap
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plastic toys aften found in grocery stores, but why would you
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want those?), and since a box of cereal is a bit to obvious under
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one's shirt, I suggest candy. But go ahead and take what you
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want, I couldn't give a shit.
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Well, I was wrong, I have one more thing I want to tell you
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about (gee I'm tricky...) Ok, have you ever seen those swinging
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double-doors in the back near the meat?? These doors can lead
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you to loads of fun. Back there they store all their excess
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until they have room for it. So you can go back there and fuck
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around like crazy (if anyone asks you what the hell you're doing
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back there, just say you're going to the bathroom, the bathrooms
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are ALWAYS back there somewhere), doing whatever the hell you
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want. Try rearranging anything you may find back there. Go
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ahead, screw up their inventory!
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Well, I hope you have all learned something from this
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tutorial on how to fuck with your grocery store. Oh, and I
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>>>am<<< responsible for whatever actions you may take as a
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result of reading this phile. When you get in trouble, just go
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ahead and say 007 told you to do it. Of course, if you're good
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you never get in trouble (or even worry about getting in trouble)
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As you can see, I just really don't give a shit! Look for my
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next phile, Sibling Fun. This phile will tell you how to abuse
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and fuck with your younger brother or sister just for the hell of
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it or to gain profit. Oh yeah, don't forget to watch Late Night
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With David Letterman this summer...(hell, I watch it during
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school time) Until then..................
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<==-007-==>
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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Call: Firestorm's Realm - (703) 998-7789
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Mount Olympus - (408) 438-3349
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The Works(900+ g-philes!) - (914) 238-8195
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: The NIRVANAnet(tm) Seven
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Taipan Enigma 510/935-5845
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408/363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510/527-1662
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 801/278-2699
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The New Dork Sublime Biffnix 415/864-DORK
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The Shrine Rif Raf 206/794-6674
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Planet Mirth Simon Jester 510/786-6560
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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