353 lines
19 KiB
Plaintext
353 lines
19 KiB
Plaintext
Screwing over your local McDonald's
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By The ReznoR and SuNmAn
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INTRODUCTION
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Ok... everyone is familiar with the world's largest and fastest growing
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fast food chain, McDonald's. The founder, Ray "Crock", wanted an
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environment where families and friends could get food with friendly service
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at any time of the day... Boy, what a crock, at least now.
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To top everything off, McDonald's attacks decent food establishments by
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criticizing the food content... not like you'll find anything not
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genetically engineered in McDonald's food... Everyone must realize that
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McDonald's sucks, and you must do your part to put the fucking place out of
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commission...
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As far as I can tell, everyone in McDonald's is rude and has an attitude,
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from the management to the customer. They, as most restaurants do, firmly
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believe THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT. This is true even when the customer
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is an asshole with blind disregard for everyone and everything. This is
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where you come in... Here are a few things that you can do to put your
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local McDonald's in it's place...
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Recently in the news, a major group sited McDonald's as the most
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environmentally responsible establishment on the planet (note: this is even
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over green peace and Sally Struthers)... how the hell is this possible?
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SENIOR CITIZENS BENEFIT DAY/WEEK
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McDonald's is nice to senior citizens. Every McDonald's offers free or
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reduced price meals or drinks to Senior citizens... Now, all you have to do
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is attract them. For a minimal price, you can publish an ad in the local
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newspaper, or publish your own flier (can be cheaply made) which explains
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that a certain day/week, your local McDonald's will recognize senior
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citizens with free food, coffee, senior activities, you know... a big
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senior social. You may want to mention that other organizations will be
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there to speak and make the whole "event" decent...
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Now, if your McDonald's already offers free/reduced coffee, food, or sodas,
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this will definitely break them, and cause them to order much more supply,
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and could even cause them to run out of coffee or soda for the rest of the
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day... on the other hand, if they don't offer this, the mass crowd of old
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people asking for shit will certainly piss someone off... This has been
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tested, and as a result, a McDonald's had to close for a day to reorganize
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and reorder supplies, as well as "launch an investigation" about this Day,
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but they never turned up anything.
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GARBAGE CAN TRICKS
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Since McDonald's is usually a busy restaurant, the trash bags fill up
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quickly and must be changed frequently (but never are.) There are several
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things you can do to the trash cans. For starters, ask for hot or boiling
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water. If you don't want to attract attention by doing this, bring in your
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own really hot water... boil it, put it in a Styrofoam cup or a thermos...
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once in McDonald's, locate the filled trash can (should not be hard to
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find) and dump the hot water down the side. Not only will this melt the
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side of the bag, causing the trash to go everywhere, the person who takes
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out the garbage must pick up all the trash by hand and dump out the trash
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can with water in the bottom. This also soaks the trash, breaks up paper,
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and makes the whole experience quite unpleasant, but hilarious to watch.
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Another easy trick is to walk up to the trash can areas, take the trays
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sitting above the trash cans, and simply throw them in all the cans. This
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will either make the employee fish them out by hand, or will cause the
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restaurant to be short of several trays, which becomes quite annoying.
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FOOD TRICKS
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There are several things to do with the food. Since there is probably
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something wrong with it in the first place, you might want to simply make
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the problem bigger... Before you enter the restaurant, cut some of your
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hair, or hair off of a pet. When at your table, place the hair all over the
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inside of the burger. When the line at the counter is long, and everyone is
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busy, cut up to the front of the counter, and start complaining about your
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burger. Show EVERYONE the hair inside the burger. You will get another
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burger, and most likely, a lot of free shit so you will come back. You will
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also cause most everyone to leave, and people in the kitchen to get shit on
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by the manager.
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ON A BUSY DAY...
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Busy days are the best. Customers are in a hurry, so are the employees...
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everyone has a short fuse and usually do not pay attention to what you say,
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or get very pissed. Ask for real dumb shit... For example, "I'd like a 69
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piece Chicken McNugget." The best thing to do is to order a simple
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cheeseburger, and screw it all up with special orders... For example, "I'd
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like a cheeseburger, with extra cheese, no mustard, extra catsup, extra
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onions, lettuce, tomato, a real little dab of mayo, and make it well
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done... oh wait, I don't want cheese anymore. Just put extra lettuce on
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it... [wait for them to send the order back to the kitchen]... then Oh,
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wait, sorry... I just want a BigMac." You can also say, "I'd like a medium
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Coke with just 4 pieces of ice in it." They will always do what you say...
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Keep in mind that special orders do not cost extra, so you can order a
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hamburger, ask for extra mustard, catsup, and somewhere in there, casually
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mention extra cheese... 9 times out of 10 this works... and you don't get
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charged. NOTE: if you hear a printer printing followed by 3 beeps somewhere
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in the kitchen, your grill order was printed, and will be made... so change
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it after you hear that.
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In some McDonald's, you will find the "Need A Penny - Take a Penny," Where
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people put in their loose change in case someone else is short some
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money... steal ALL the money in this. In one month, I made $42.71 from
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stealing the money from all the Need A Penny cups in my area... This is a
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good secondary income for lazy people.
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If you plan on a big order, start off by telling the person you just want a
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soda. After they give a total and get ready to take your money, add an
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item. Keep saying "That's it" and repeat this process until you have what
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you wanted, and have wasted several minutes. You can also have the cashier
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repeat your order as many times as you wish, also wasting time.
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THE INQUIRING CUSTOMER
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McDonald's managers pride themselves in knowing the answers, and employees
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like to pretend that they do. So, on a busy day, keep asking dumb
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questions... Here are a few to ask... Oh, never actually order anything...
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just hold up the line with your questions. Here are a few questions to ask:
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* "How is your meat prepared at the factory?"
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* "What part of the chicken does the McNugget come from?"
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* "Who was the BigMac named after?"
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* "What is the post-cooked weight of your quarter pounder?"
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* "Where does your (pick a vegetable) come from?"
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* "How fresh is your (McD product)?"
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* "What is the square root of 69.666?"
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* "What is the nutritional value of a 9 piece McNugget box?"
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DRIVE-THRU FUN
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McDonald's videos tell the employees that the Drive Thru makes up for more
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than 40% of the average McDonald's business. Simply put, this system needs
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a lot of work. The speakers rarely work, and you usually get your order
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screwed up. The first thing to do is to take your car and back over the cut
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square in the pavement right beside the order sign several times. This
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causes a loud annoying "bong" to be heard by everyone with a headset...
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eventually the manager will come out with a weapon, and this is where you
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leave.
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Another thing to do is to drive up, and say, "I just want a lot of
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butter..." or "I'd like a large penis to go please." Usually, people in the
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drive thru service will laugh or screw something up, and you will get
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yelled at by the manager... waaah.
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If you want free food, order something in the drive thru. Keep your window
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down to listen to other orders. After you receive your food, park and enter
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the restaurant. Go to the front of the line and tell the person on duty
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that your order was screwed up... it helps to remember what someone else's
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order was, and then you just ask for that... you will get it. Sometimes,
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you even get free food for having a screwed up order.
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This prank requires guts, but can be somewhat amusing. Simply drive up in
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front of the sign, turn your engine off, and go inside the restaurant and
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eat. There's always room to park in the drive-thru lane... You could also
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tell the drive-thru person that your car stalled, and you will have to call
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the motor club. This can put a drive-thru out of commission until you
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decide to move your car.
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If you happen across a McDonald's that is expecting deliveries, or has
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cleaned the parking lot, you will notice traffic cones. You can move these
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cones around the drive-thru sign. Some people are stupid and will drive
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thru them anyway, so you may want to place a sign saying "DRIVE THRU CLOSED
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-- SORRY - MANAGEMENT." You can also place a legitimate order at the drive
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thru and right after your order, you can put a sign on the drive-thru sign
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saying the same "closed" message. The drive thru sensor does not sense foot
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traffic, so you can walk up to the sign and put one there...
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The drive thru headsets can be a good source of amusement. When ordering,
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mumble your order, scream it real loud, or say it like the microphone is
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cutting out, for example, "I'd like to order a LARGE ibbit-obbt-ibbit-urger
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with no Sa... and extra (crackle) and I'd also like a Med(cut) Oke." When
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they ask you to repeat, do the exact same thing. Remember, that as soon as
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you drive up to the sign, they can hear everything in your car... even if
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they are not talking. As soon as they ask for your order, turn your stereo
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up real loud, and begin to say your order... this screws everything up...
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Also, ask for a hotdog, or an item that you know they don't have. If you
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have the guts, are really bored, and are not driving YOUR car, take them
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seriously when they say "please drive through." This would be the ultimate
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action, putting your local McDonald's out of business.
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If you have a simple shortwave transceiver, Ham Radio, or powerful handheld
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transceiver, you can talk to the entire drive-thru crew. The antenna is
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located above the cashier in the drive-thru box and has a receiving radius
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of the entire store and about half of the parking lot. You can add stuff to
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peoples orders, or just screw around. Drive thru people have noticed that
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illegally powerful CB radios, side band radios and even some car phones can
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be picked up with the headsets. Be innovative and use these to piss the
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employees off. If you do not have access to one, simply hide behind the
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sign, and shout extra food or obscenities at the sign...
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GREASE DISPOSAL FUN
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This next trick involves little or no intelligence, or imagination, but
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seems to get people every time. Behind McDonald's, usually found next to
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trash cans or the empty soda-syrup containers, you will find a large drum
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marked "not-fit for human consumption" or "inedible contents." Although
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these warnings belong in the food, they mark the grease vat. This is
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tightly sealed for a reason... it smells like dead human. They are also
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easy to open. Usually, you can loosen the ring around the top and open the
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lid. Be sure to cover your face when you do this... it does smell like
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shit... The nice thing about this is that the smell will cover the entire
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parking-lot area in roughly 10 minutes. Chemically, the smell will cause
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nausea, and definitely a loss in appetite. People will get sick everywhere,
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and definitely cause a loss of customers at McDonald's...
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A simple addition to the previous trick would be to tip the can. The grease
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will probably have hardened, but on a warm day or if the black can is left
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in the sun, it will leave a sticky, raunchy mess in the parking lot that
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will be impossible to clean up, and will stink infinitely. This is a way to
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make the trick more damaging and longer lasting.
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DUMPSTER FUN
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McDonald's, or any fast food restaurant usually has a high volume of
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garbage output (not including the food). If you can travel around and find
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large objects, you can dispose of them in the trash containers. If you clog
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them up, not only will the store have to pay for an extra collection of
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trash (to remove what you put in there), They'll have to pay extra for
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later (or earlier) you do it, as well as what kind of objects you put in
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there. You can also put the empty silver soda containers, bread racks, or
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even signs and loose McDonald's shit in the trash. They won't appreciate
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the loss, and it's gonna cost them money at both ends. Lame but definitely
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effective.
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PHONE ORDER PHUN
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One thing that is not very well known is that McDonald's accepts phone
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orders. This is a simple process. A serious, adult sounding voice can call
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a local McDonald's and claim that they have a large order that they would
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like ready for pickup. You supply a BS phone number, a BS name, and a BS
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order. The larger it is the better. Usually give about a half an hour to an
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hour notice to have the order ready. Good reasons for the orders are
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usually family get-togethers, meetings at local universities, etc. The
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university excuses are much better, because you can supply a college phone
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number (found in the phone book) and if they call (the usually don't) to
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verify the order, they will get the office, and will think it's legitimate.
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This prank is a beauty because after the manager takes the order, it is
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given directly to the kitchen, who begins the order. Again, they very
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rarely verify the orders, so it is easy to pull these off. To make this
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prank better, you should throw in mass quantities of food items that people
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NEVER eat -- Filet O' "Fish", Fajitas, etc... You can also call them back
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at the time of pickup, and say "sorry, we decided to eat at burger king..."
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DO NOT enter the restaurant and ask to buy the items at a cheaper price,
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like the old pizza man trick... that's just lame.
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COMPUTER PHUN
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A nice thing about McDonald's is that it is linked via computer (and modem)
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to OakBrook, Illinois. Check your local phone book for a McDonald's with 2
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lines. The second line is usually the computer line. You may also try
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Information. If you aren't able to get the number, read these next 3
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parts...
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* McDonald's are listed by Restaurant number in the phonebook. You can
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retrieve the number, then call the restaurant, asking for the manager. When
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the manager identifies himself, with his name, you write the name down, and
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tell him to get bent or something. With that information, you can call
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McDonald's 800 number, or any McDonald's Corporation HQ number in OakBrook,
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Illinois (they will relay your call). You say you haven't been receiving
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updates or any purchase orders, you identify yourself, and your store
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number, and location (city, state...). They will check the listings, and
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read off the phone number of the computer. If they won't give it to you,
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they will allow you to change the computer number, where you give them your
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enemies phone number or something, and they will get called by modem
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repeatedly...
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* Call your local McDonald's, identify yourself as Bill Haggan of Computer
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Services, McDonald's, Oakbrook... etc. Say you are updating your records,
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and need the computer telephone number. Get the number, then give them a
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bullshit verification number.
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* This is not very imaginative, but it works... it's also risky... wooooo.
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Find the phone box, open the user service box, connect any phone with an
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RJ-11 adaptor to the box and type your local ANI number (860, 555-9967)
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etc... do that for each line that enters the restaurant. Then reconnect
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it... you have the numbers.
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Now that you have the numbers, there is a lot you can do. It is not wise to
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enter the computer. Although goodies are buried there, any changes you make
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are corrected that night with a verification call. It is also verified
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voice. However, everything in the restaurant is connected to the computer.
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Once you call the number, and connect to the computer, just sit there. The
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computer freezes all time clocks, order programs, etc. Every display will
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be marked "BUSY." This prevents anyone from punching in or out, the manager
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from checking labor, printing schedules, do inquiries about anything...
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basically interrupt most managerial and owner duties. If you find a
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constant busy signal, this is very easy to correct. Simply ask for an
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operator interrupt. If the operator breaks in, the beep will hang up the
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modem, allowing you to call right in. This prank does have profound effects
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on the McDonald's. It is highly recommended.
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FREE SHIT AT McDonald's
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Yes, I do mean shit... If you are involved in that fucking money crunch
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like everyone else, and you feel that your money should be spent on better
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things, rather than shitty food, here are a few pointers for free food.
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These have all been tested. If you are caught in the act of getting free
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food, nothing will happen, and it will be a big source of amusement...
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* Cheeseburger
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On a busy drive-thru day, you can ask for a special order. Ask for a
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hamburger with an extra item, like mustard or something, and casually
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sneak in "extra cheese." If the employees are stupid enough (a given),
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and the grill doesn't question it, you will find yourself with a nice
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fresh cheeseburger for the price of a hamburger... whoopee...
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* Any Item
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The BEST thing to do is order something in the drivethru, and then
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come in the restaurant with the bag from drive thru and say "You
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forgot ..." If you ask the employees at the counter, 9 times out of
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10, you will get it... To be on the safe side, you may want to go
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home, call the McDonald's, say you went through the drive thru and you
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didn't get your food item. You can give a bullshit name or whatever,
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usually they don't even take the name, and the next time you go in,
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you say you called, and you will get gift certificates or free food...
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works every time.
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BASTARDIZING FOOD ITEMS
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If you want to attract a certain degree of attention to yourself, and make
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employees and customers laugh, when you order food, fuck up the names to
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say something cool... You'll still get the food you don't want, and this
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too is a source of amusement. Spur-of-the-moment name bastardizations are
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by far the funniest, but here are a few suggestions...
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* SHMEGMA MAC, SHMEGMA SACK - instead of Mega Mac (shmegma is Dick Cheese)
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* CHICKEN McFUCKUPS - Chicken McNuggets (be sure to ask for the 69 piece)
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* McDICKEN - McChicken (ask for extra Mayo and smile...)
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* CHOKE - Coke (I'd like a small choke with no ice)
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* McRIBBED FOR HER PLEASURE - McRib... Do they still make this?
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* FAGINA - Fajita (I'd like a FAGINA with extra cheese...)
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IMPORTANT
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Remember that McDonald's slogan is Food, Folks, and Fun... Just take the
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"fun" part to the limit... You sort of have to compensate for the asshole
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"folks" and the shit "food."
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If you get bored, start harassing kids on the playland or just break
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shit... throwing salt shakers (plastic or glass) at the outside wall of the
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McDonald's is fun too... take advantage of whatever there is in
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McDonald's... there are infinite possibilities to create your local
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McDonald's an utter McHell. Don't consider it illegal (most of it isn't...)
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consider it more of a public service. Yeah... That's it.
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If you have any questions about phreaking, e-mail The ReZnOr at
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"xReznoRx@ix.netcom.com"
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The SuNMaN is currently in hiding at this moment.
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