171 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
171 lines
7.5 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
\--------------------------------------/
|
|
|How to Beat The Shit out of Fat People|
|
|
/--------------------------------------\
|
|
|
|
Lardass, Lardass, in White Hen
|
|
After those God Damn Twinkies Again
|
|
Lardass, Lardass, All Around
|
|
With every step, you crack the Ground
|
|
Lardass, Lardass, Midnight Snack
|
|
Never Spent a Minute on the Jogging Track
|
|
Lardass, Lardass, eating Dinner
|
|
Don't you know you'll never be Thinner?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
This is a file written from personal experience, and dedicated
|
|
to a certain Lardass we know.... You know who you are, Fat Boy.
|
|
|
|
|
|
In order to destroy a Fat Boy, you will need:
|
|
|
|
\-------------------------------------------/
|
|
| Two (2) Fists |
|
|
| |
|
|
| One (1) Pair of Hedge Clippers (Don't Ask)|
|
|
| |
|
|
| One (1) Flatulent Individual |
|
|
| |
|
|
| One (1) Serving of Cat Food |
|
|
| |
|
|
| Any other useful accessories, such |
|
|
| as Brass Knuckles, Vaseline, Tongue |
|
|
| Depressors, A Cleaver, Wax, Tweezers, |
|
|
| and a .38 Caliber. |
|
|
/-------------------------------------------\
|
|
|
|
OK, before we get into the story, we will do our top 10 list. . .
|
|
|
|
Top 10 Best Things to do to a FAT BOY (These Are All Things
|
|
that we have either done or seen done, this is not imiginary!)
|
|
|
|
|
|
10: Push Him into a ThornBush (Those Roses never did grow back...)
|
|
|
|
9: Pluck his eyebrows with tweezers
|
|
|
|
8: Tie him to an exercise bike with string, whip him with a belt
|
|
if he stops exercising, and put candy bars on the ground until
|
|
he drools on the gears. You can also put Ice down his back for
|
|
added incentive
|
|
|
|
7: Take a gun. Yes this has been done. Take a gun and stick it to
|
|
his head. Pull the trigger. Oh, did I forget to mention to take out
|
|
the bullets? I recommend it, because if you don't you will have a
|
|
dead fat boy in your house. And boy will the flies be their to eat
|
|
all that meat.
|
|
|
|
6: Tie him to the roof of your house while it rains.
|
|
|
|
5: Throw icicles at him till you have to take him to the
|
|
hospital
|
|
|
|
4: Tie him down and force him to eat Slim Fast dry. If that doesn't
|
|
work, make it into a milkshake, but don't forget to add the
|
|
Cat Food
|
|
|
|
3: Put him in a Garbage can and roll him down a hill.
|
|
|
|
2: Take a pair of hedge clippers and, while saying "Don't worry,
|
|
I won't take off much," make him look like the drummer for
|
|
AC/DC
|
|
|
|
1: (This was disgusting, neither of us did it) Wipe your bare ass
|
|
on his leg while he reads Nintendo Power.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
OK, now, if you're wondering what the Vaseline, Tongue
|
|
Depressors, Wax, Cleaver, etc... are for, they're various
|
|
torture devices (Well, actually, interrogation devices, but
|
|
who cares) And I know for a fact, they were made with a FAT
|
|
BOY in Mind. So here is another top 10 list of things to do
|
|
with these various devices.
|
|
|
|
|
|
10: Smear Vaseline all over him (Ahem) and push him into the Blue
|
|
Oyster.
|
|
|
|
9: Put him in the trunk of a Yugo and see how long it takes for
|
|
it to Explode.
|
|
|
|
8: Put dead things (flies, ants, etc...) in his hot chocolate
|
|
|
|
7: The Raunchy Bar*
|
|
|
|
6: Steadily beat his shoulders with brass knuckles (this hurts
|
|
more than you can imagine until you have it done to you)
|
|
|
|
5: Tie him up in the kitchen of somebody you don't know.
|
|
|
|
4: Gag him and tie him to a chair, then threaten to perform a
|
|
circumcision with the cleaver
|
|
|
|
3: You don't even want to KNOW what you can do with Thongs...
|
|
|
|
2: Put all the food in your house on your dining room table, let him
|
|
in there, then call the police, and say there's an intruder in your
|
|
house who's eating all your food. And he's a FAT BOY.
|
|
|
|
1: Burn him at the Steak (Get it... Steak?)
|
|
|
|
* The Raunchy Bar is a Peanut Butter snickers bar that has been
|
|
left open, in a shoe box for 2 months, then dipped in toothpaste, then
|
|
smeared with frozen spit, then farted on repeatedly, then stuck in a toilet
|
|
as someone flushes the shit down. Then left to sit for a week, and served.
|
|
|
|
|
|
Our Story
|
|
|
|
This story takes place on a Halloween night, about 2 years back, when
|
|
I, Iridescent Innkeeper (For this story I will be refered to as Angus)
|
|
Unstable Postman (For this story he will be refered to as Phil Rudd), and
|
|
a few other people (Who will be refered to as Brian, Malcolm, and Cliff)
|
|
And the Fat Boy, who will be refered to as Ed.
|
|
This Story is about a Traditional, very intricate, very long, game of
|
|
Beat the Fat Boy. We all (Including Ed) met at my house on halloween
|
|
night. We started off the night with the greatest Fat Boy prank, we
|
|
shoved him into a garbage can and rolled him down a hill (I'm not going
|
|
to bother to say how we managed to get him into the garbage can. Actually,
|
|
we just dropped a pork chop in there...) Then we took him to a house where
|
|
there was a halloween party going on, and took him into the exercise room
|
|
of these (Disgustingly rich) people. There (You guessed it) we tied him
|
|
to an exercise bike with Karate Belts we found hanging on the wall. Then
|
|
We Steadily beat him with an extra belt whenever he stopped exercising.
|
|
We sent Brian to go get some candy bars and ice from the party, and when
|
|
he returned, we were just beginning to have fun Whipping the fat boy, but
|
|
there were more important things to do, such as put the ice down the back
|
|
of his shirt and dangle the candy bars in front of his face (Boy did that
|
|
make him pedal!) Then we sent Malcolm into the bathroom to get the
|
|
Vaseline (Since he would know where it was.) Just to add to the extreme
|
|
heat being generated as Fat Boy pedaled and Pedaled, we smeared the
|
|
vaseline on his arms and neck (We didn't want to touch his face...).
|
|
So, much later, we let him get off the bike. He would've beat the shit
|
|
out of us, but there were 5 of us, and... 35 of him, but we were stronger.
|
|
We let him go back to the party, all red and sweaty with vaseline on him,
|
|
I'm sure he was a big hit....
|
|
We found him again later relaxing in a room reading a nintendo power
|
|
magazine, and (you guessed it), Malcolm proceeded to wipe his ass on
|
|
Ed's bare leg. Ed just sat there as if nothing was happening. What a
|
|
Lardass, too lazy to get up and do anything about it. Of course, I
|
|
wouldn't want to know what he would do to a bare ass.....
|
|
|
|
Much, Much later, when the party was about to end, we brought the
|
|
excercise bike into the kitchen, tied him to it again (no easy task),
|
|
tipped him over, and left.
|
|
|
|
Great Night, Huh?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
You could get old if you stop playing,
|
|
Iridescent Innkeeper
|
|
&
|
|
Unstable Postman
|
|
|
|
|
|
I.I and U.P are not responsible for any personal injury that
|
|
may result from the use of this file.
|