111 lines
5.5 KiB
Plaintext
111 lines
5.5 KiB
Plaintext
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K-Mart Survival Tactics For The Unscrupulous
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--------------------------------------------
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By Torqa Dun & Data General
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Edited by Metallica
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He stands atop a lonely hillside, the cold biting at his skin as the chill
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wind whips through his hair, setting it off in a menagerie of disarray. He
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surveys the scene...the ominous structure ahead of him, forbidding and clammy
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steel. With the battle cry of "Remember Split Infinity!" he bounds down the
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hill, over dusk and rock until he stands before the object of his night-
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mares...K-Mart.
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Not wasting any time, he strides to the doors and flings them open with an
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air of aristocracy. He is met by a cold blast of stale air as he gapes in awe
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at the vast array of "kwalitee" merchandise for the throngs of people to buy.
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He laughs inwardly and ignores the youth group leader begging for contribu-
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tions at the door. Knowing exactly what he is doing, he heads to the back of
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the store. He has used the coveted techniques before but now he is ready to
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go beyond. He is ready to cause utter havoc. Finding no one manning the
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defunct "Pet Section" our hero access the "page" phone option and says:
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"ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS..FOR THE NEXT TWO MINUTES, ALL THE MERCHANDISE
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YOU CAN CARRY, HAUL, DRAG, OR LIFT TO CHECKOUT IS 80% OFF!"
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He then vacates the area and watches the commotion as the throngs of greasers
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lug refrigerators, TV's, appliances and even whole kitchen ensembles to check-
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out in a mad rush to buy as the K-Mart people run here and there trying to no
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avail to restore order.
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With the general populace caught up in that commotion, he goes over to the
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"toiletries" department and takes a bottle of "PRELL" from the shelf. He feels
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a moment of guilt flash through him but that is swept aside by the years of
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training he has had. Opening the bottle he writes "MATT ACKERET DOES IT WITH
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FIRE HYDRANTS" or something of the sort. "Oh my!" he thinks. "This bottle is
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1/2 empty!" Well, remedying that, he opens it and proceeds to pour maple
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syrup in it and shake it up. He replaces it on the counter, and does this to
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five more. "That was lucky," he thinks.
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He heads to the kwalitee K-Mart TV department. When this place is devoid
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of life, he turns all of the TV's on and all to different stations, with
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volume jacked up to 10 and retreats. The kwalitee K-Mart computer dept. has
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more fun for our hero...the demos can be easily rigged to give quite a shock,
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our valiant vigilante thinks as he unplugs the VIC-20 sitting there and wets
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down the plug.
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He heads off to the Sporting Goods department to find even more laughs
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awaiting him to the dismay of K-Mart employees. Wow! A K-Mart test finger
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bowling ball! Golly! He then proceeds to bowl over that little old lady down
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the aisle (very sneakily, of course) with her basket of kwalitee merchandise.
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Fishing rods, you say?? He strides to the waiting poles (ick!) and easily
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attaches the fly at the end to that EVERLAST punching bag over in the corner.
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Replacing it in the rack and doing this to twelve others, our hero has now
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rigged up the ultimate net-trap for the unsuspecting greaser. Shuffling off
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to the foodstuff department our protaganist opens the bags of waiting goodies
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and munches down, replacing the half-eaten bag with greatest caution. Soon
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the entire shelf is a litter of Doritos, Fritos, Tostitos, mini Burritos and
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all the other "o's" you might want..
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"Lingerie time," thinks our young, anarchistic friend. He trots off to the
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kwalitee lingerie department. Whipping out his trusty MAGIK-MARKER(C) he makes
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little smiley-faces over every nightgown and undergarment he can find...
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Illustration..
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* *
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+
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\_____/
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and a phone number of an arch-enemy...
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Well, it is about time to leave but before he goes he makes one last trip to
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the page phone and says:
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"ATTENTION K-MART SHOPPERS!! THERE ARE BLUE-LIGHT (YAY) SPECIALS IN THE
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KWALITEE K-MART SHOE, BATHROBE, KITCHEN APPLIANCE, TV, STEREO, LINGERIE, FOOD-
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STUFF, COMPUTER, AND SHAMPOO DEPATMENTS!!!"
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In the commotion of the greasers running this way and that to get at these
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precious items our wonderful guy slips out the back door and into the parking
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lot as the TV's go blaring. Someone then plugs in the computer....
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*** *** *** * *
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* * * * * * * * * *
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* * * * * * * *** *
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* ** * * * * * * *
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* * * * * * * *
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* * * * * * * *
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*** *** *** * *
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===================================
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And what does our hero see but.. a pay phone!
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Coming next: PRANK CALLING WITH FINESSE...
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: The NIRVANAnet(tm) Seven
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Taipan Enigma 510/935-5845
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408/363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 510/527-1662
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 801/278-2699
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The New Dork Sublime Biffnix 415/864-DORK
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The Shrine Rif Raf 206/794-6674
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Planet Mirth Simon Jester 510/786-6560
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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