140 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
140 lines
7.0 KiB
Plaintext
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| FUN AT THE AIRPORT |
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Airplanes, airplanes, everywhere
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Something special in the air.
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Midway, Eastern, Continental
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to India, Mexico, the Orient-al.
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BUT there is a pit-stop here,
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Airports: The thing we all fear.
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OK, in everyone's life there comes a time when they must visit the
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airport. For most of us, this is one of the most unpleasant
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experiences we will ever have. You walk in to a huge building filled
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with annoyed tellers waiting on 60 people each. The first thing you
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must do is find the tellers for your airline, usually something like
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"Air Iraq - we get you there, you get back", then you wait in line
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for 45 minutes, only to give some '60's lady your luggage, which
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is subsequently hauled away to God Knows Where. Then you are allowed
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the privelage of wandering into some person-filled room looking for a
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screen that has your flight on it. 9 out of 10 times, your flight
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has already left. Then you have to wait another 2 - 10 hours for the
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next one. This file is Fun Things To Do While Waiting For The Next
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Flight.
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Pretty Obviously, the funnest thing to do is to bother the
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Hare Krishnas... turn the tables for once. The following is a list
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of the "Top 10 ways to annoy the Hare Krishnas"
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10: Unzip your pants, then wait till they ask if you want to buy
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a flower, say yes, take the flower, when they ask for payment,
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flash open your coat and run.
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9: Tie a string from the end of that ugly little pony tail they
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all have to the truck that carries the luggage.
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8: Ask him to explain the workings of his god, and then walk him
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into the men's bathroom while he's blabbering and leave him
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there.
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7: Light off some smoke bombs and steal all their flowers, or
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better yet their money.
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6: Ask him if he's ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight
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5: Wait till he asks if you want to buy a flower, then say:
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"Why, yeth, I thertainly would... How bout I buy one and give
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it to you, ya sexy little guy!"
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4: Find one in a stall in the bathroom, and knock on a door saying:
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"Hello, sir, my name is Washington, and I'm a Jehovah's witness,
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would you like to hear about..."
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3: Put his pony tail in the escalator railing.
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2: Ask him if he wants his head shined.
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1: Walk up to one and say "Hey, you wanna buy a used car? I know
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cars, I'm a car guy, I got cars, you know I got cars...."
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OK, so they weren't that great, but how many things can you
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do to a Hare Krishna?
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Here are some more fun things to do...
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Somehow get to the control place and broadcast into a room full
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of arabs: "Salman Rushdi, I repeat Salman Rushdi, your BLT has
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arrived, please pick it up at the cafeteria, oh and your armed
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guard will not be necessary, I assure you there are no arabs in
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THIS airport."
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That oughtta get a reaction.
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Get into the utility room, and wait until you see an old guy
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approaching a water fountain, then direct all flow of water in
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the airport to that water fountain, and watch him blow his own
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head off.
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Then get onto the speaker and say "Attention all, there has
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been a bomb discovered in <Name of your teller here>'s handbag,
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please proceed to render him/her unconcious as soon as possible,
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then evacuate in a neat and orderly fashion." Then you get to
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watch a real genuine human stampede. Then you can go to the
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cafeteria and take all the dough out of the cash register... and
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a donut to go with that.
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Or get to the utility room and broadcast "Ladies and Gentlemen,
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we're sorry, but all of your luggage has been lost. And it is
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all the fault of <Name of your teller here>, working at terminal
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##, please take all complaints there."
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Or, of course, my personal favorite, get in the longest line
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and ask for tickets to Lower East Mongolia, and then argue about
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the price until the teller loses it.
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Our Story
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This is a tale of a common flight to Anytown, Any country
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on a common airline that can be found at an airport near you. Unstable
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Postman and I, together with a few other insignificant people, were flying
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to North Carolina. For purposes of this story we'll call ourselves Vito
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and Vinnie (Same as last story). We walked into O'hare airport, at the time
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there being no flight from Midway to Broadway airport in Raleigh, and we were
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prepared to face the horrors of an unrelenting airport. We walked to the
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United airlines terminal, and got in the shortest line we saw (Just shy of
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4,954,384, people), and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, we got
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to the counter, faced by a lady with a beehive hairdo, who seemed to be
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genuinely angry at the world. We forked over our tickets, and our luggage,
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and waltzed on down to the waiting. . . place. Luckily, by a stroke of
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some odd luck, our plane hadn't left yet. We boarded, and waited another..
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say... 4 centuries before the damn thing took off. But when it finally did,
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the flight was actually relatively pleasant. There were only 9 (out of a
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normal of at least 10) crying babies in the seat next to us, and they were
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only out of our first 19 (instead of the normal 20) choices for drinks.
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We arrived in NC after about an hour and a half of flying, and stepped out,
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once again, into the battlefield.
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Broadway airport was considerably neater and more organized than O'hare,
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but it was still an airport, and one must never drop his guard in an airport.
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We walked to the baggage claim to get our luggage, while braving a host of
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2 year old kids attemting to surf the rotating rubber mats that would
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eventually bring us our things. One obnoxious little toddler almost got his
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when he was sucked halfway in behind those curtains that nobody ever sees
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behind, where all the luggage comes from, and then given a beating by his
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apparently tired and annoyed father.
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By some miracle, our baggage actually did come, and we walked out of the
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airport with high spirits, for the first time in history defeating the
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invincible enemy. We hadn't lost anything besides 4 hours that we SHOULD
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have had, and we had a whole vacation to dread the return trip.
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THE END
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