73 lines
4.3 KiB
Plaintext
73 lines
4.3 KiB
Plaintext
50 Fun Things For Non-Christians To Do
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In Church
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David Henley
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1.Pull aside an unruly child in a preschool Sunday School class and say: "If you're bad in here,
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you'll go to Hell."
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2.A week beforehand, find a member of ACT-UP. Tell him the scheduled sermon is entitled
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"Why God Sent AIDS to Punish Homosexuals".
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3.Put stray dogs in coat closets.
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4.Un-tune the piano.
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5.Replace the pianist's sheet music with "Stairway to Heaven".
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6.Going through all the hymnals, mark song 666.
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7.Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
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8.Toss around a giant beach ball before service, like at Grateful Dead concerts.
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9.Ten minutes before it starts, find a kid in the front rows, hand him a dollar, and tell him to ask
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the preacher: "Would you rather be stoned or crucified?"
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10.Hide copies of Hustler inside the pulpit. Point them out.
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11.Start a wave.
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12.Do cool things with the lighting.
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13.When attendance is taken, sign on fake names like "Hugh G. Rection" and "Oliver Klozoff".
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14.Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
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15.When the choir sings, roll your eyes and grumble: "Oh, Christ! Are they gonna do another
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SONG?"
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16.Make up your own words to the songs.
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17.Twenty minutes into the service, look at your watch, stand up, and say: "Oh shit. This isn't the
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wedding!" Run out quickly.
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18.Eat dry Cap'n Crunch through the entire service.
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19.If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT
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GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
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20.Dress all in black, or in camo.
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21.Pierce the body of a tiny animal with stainless-steel wire. Wear it in your ear as jewelry. If
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you are male, wear two. Change sets for the evening service.
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22.If it is an Easter service, wear a pastel jacket, tie, and matching shorts. If you are male, wear
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a floral-print dress instead.
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23.At a church dinner, scoop up a forkful of mashed potatoes. Announce that you can see an
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image of Jesus.
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24.Place blocks of dry ice near the air ducts. Take off your shoes and socks.
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25.Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and
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brimstone", throw it in.
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26.Inflate balloons, then send them off.
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27.Mark places in the Bible or hymnal with religious-themed Far Side cartoons.
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28.Turn in the Bible to the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20: 3-17). Draw in asterisks and write
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exceptions at the bottom of the page.
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29.Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
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30.Make calls to 900 numbers on the phone in the kitchen.
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31.During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them:
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"These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
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32.Discreetly position a number of bottle rockets on the floor. Discreetly light them.
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33.Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
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34.Dip communion wafers in communion wine. Eat it and exaggerate on how good it is.
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35.When they pass around the collection plate, drop in a piece of paper with Pat Robertson's
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MasterCard number.
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36.Turn to your neighbor, whisper: "This do in remembrance of me," and lick them.
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37.Fart, and have a friend shout: "Hark! An angel has spoken!"
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38.Blow bubbles.
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39.Fake a possession.
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40.Distribute condoms.
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41.Speak in tongues.
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42.Ask where the nearest ashtray is.
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43.Drool in the collection plate.
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44.Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform
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them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
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45.After a Catholic service, stand outside and tell Polish jokes. When someone points out that
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Pope John Paul II came from Poland, act embarrassed.
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46.Show unusual interest in any reference to the word "Ministry".
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47.At a church supper, bring a casserole with a ring or piece of a wristwatch embedded inside.
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48.Overnight, have the stained-glass windows replaced with new ones depicting comical, erotic,
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or death-related imagery. Send the bill to the pastor.
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49.Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"
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50.Spread the word that there'll be a rave party at the address of the church next Saturday at
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midnight.
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