118 lines
3.8 KiB
Groff
118 lines
3.8 KiB
Groff
BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #1
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It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have
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it's advantages. I assign the tape device to null - it's so much more
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economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every
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5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad.
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A user rings
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"Do you know why the system is slow?" they ask
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"It's probably something to do with..." I look up today's excuse ".. clock
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speed"
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"Oh" (Not knowing what I'm talking about, they're satisfied) "Do you know
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when it will be fixed?"
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"Fixed? There's 275 users on your machine, and one of them is you. Don't be
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so selfish - logout now and give someone else a chance!"
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"But my research results are due in tommorrow and all I need is one page of
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Laser Print.."
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"SURE YOU DO. Well; You just keep telling yourself that buddy!" I hang up.
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Sheesh, you'd really think people would learn not to call!
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The phone rings. It'll be him again, I know. That annoys me. I put on a
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gruff voice
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"HELLO, SALARIES!"
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"Oh, I'm sorry, I've got the wrong number"
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"YEAH? Well what's your name buddy? Do you know WASTED phone calls cost
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money? DO YOU? I've got a good mind to subtract your wasted time, my wasted
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time, and the cost of this call from your weekly wages! IN FACT I WILL! By
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the time I've finished with you, YOU'LL OWE US money! WHAT'S YOUR NAME - AND
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DON'T LIE, WE'VE GOT CALLER ID!"
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I hear the phone drop and the sound of running feet - he's obviously going to
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try and get an alibi by being at the Dean's office. I look up his username
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and find his department. I ring the Dean's secretary.
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"Hello?" she answers
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"Hi, SIMON, B.O.F.H HERE, LISTEN, WHEN THAT GUY COMES RUNNING INTO YOUR OFFICE
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IN ABOUT 10 SECONDS, CAN YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE?"
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"I think so..." she says
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"TELL HIM `HE CAN RUN, BUT HE CAN'T HIDE'"
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"Um. Ok"
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"AND DON'T FORGET NOW, I WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT FILE
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IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITH YOUR ANSWERS TO THE PUURITY TEST IN IT..."
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I hear her scrabbling at the terminal...
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"DON'T BOTHER - I HAVE A COPY. BE A GOOD GIRL AND PASS THE MESSAGE ON"
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She sobs her assent and I hang up. And the worst thing is, I was just guessing
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about the purity test thing. I grab a quick copy anyway, it might make for
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some good late-night reading.
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Meantime backups have finished in record time, 2.03 seconds. Modern technology
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is wonderful, isn't it?
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Another user rings.
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"I need more space" he says
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"Well, why don't you move to Texas?" I ask
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"No, on my account, stupid."
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Stupid?!?.... Uh-Oh..
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"I'm terribly sorry" I say, in a polite manner equal to that of Jimmy Stewart
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in a Family Matinee "I didn't quite catch that. What was it that you said?"
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I smell the fear coming down the line at me, but it's too late, he's a goner
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and he knows it.
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"Um, I said what I wanted was more space on my account, *please*"
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"Sure, hang on"
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I hear him gasp his relief even though he covered the mouthpeice.
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"There, you've got plenty of space now"
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"How much have I got"
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Now this REALLY *PISSES* *ME* *OFF*! Not only do they want me to give them
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extra disk, they want to check it, to correct me if I don't give them enough.
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They should be happy with what I give them *and that's it*!!!
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Back into Jimmy Stewart mode.
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"Well, let's see, you have 4 Meg available"
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"Wow! Eight Meg in total, thanks!" he says pleased with his bargaining power
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"No" I interrupt, savouring this like a fine red, at room temperature "4 Meg in
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total..."
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"Huh?... I'd used 4 Meg already, How could I have 4 Meg Available?"
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I say nothing. It'll come to him.
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"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggghhhhhH!"
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I kill me; I really do!
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spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia)
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