From ilana@cgdra.UCAR.EDU Mon Jul 3 18:30:03 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: ilana@cgdra.UCAR.EDU (Ilana Stern) Subject: What's in a name? Keywords: true, chuckle Date: 3 Jul 89 23:30:03 GMT (From Time Magazine, 19 June 1989 (therefore presumably true):) No international laws govern the christening of countries; the label that sticks is determined by the tastes or even the sanity of its rulers. Anti-colonialism, however, is the most common rationale for national renaming. Filipinos have long bristled at the colonialistic implications of calling their country the Philippines, in honor of Philip II of Spain. During the regime of Ferdinand Marcos, there was a campaign to rename the country "Maharlika", a native word meaning noble and aristocratic. Plans for the rechristening proceeded apace until an academic pointed out that the word was probably derived from Sanskrit. Fine, its proponents said, Sanskrit is a non-imperialist language. Yes, replied the scholar, but "Maharlika" was most likely derived from the words "maha lingam," meaning "great phallus." That was the end of the campaign. -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. From alcmist@well.UUCP Tue Jul 4 05:30:06 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: alcmist@well.UUCP (Frederick Wamsley) Subject: What is Socialism? Keywords: chuckle Date: 4 Jul 89 10:30:06 GMT The Poles say it's the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism. [quoted by Michael Novak in Forbes] -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was. From falces@umvlsi.ecs.umass.edu Thu Jul 6 02:20:06 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: falces@umvlsi.ecs.umass.edu (Laurel Falces) Subject: Pete Rose Keywords: topical, chuckle Date: 6 Jul 89 07:20:06 GMT (From David Letterman's show of Tuesday 6-27-89, and transcribed from the USA Today issue of 6-28-89...) TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO SUSPEND PETE ROSE FROM BASEBALL 10. Really young gamblers need a role model. 9. Ten million Pete Rose wigs already shipped to Hall of Fame gift shop. 8. If suspended, might reveal identity of San Diego Chicken. 7. He kept his promise to kid in hospital: "I'm putting 50 bucks on today's game for you, son." 6. Might go play baseball in Japan and develop comercially viable superconductor during the offseason, which would increase Japan's ever-widening economic supremacy over the United States. 5. He bet five grand they would suspend him and will make 50 grand at 10-to-1 odds. 4. No casino greeter jobs currently open. 3. Baseball needs professional wrestling pizzazz of being fixed. 2. How can you suspend Off Track Betting's "Man of the Year"? 1. Betting slips, fingerprints, handwriting, telephone records, sworn depositions -- Come on! Let's have some REAL proof! -- John Franjione -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Topical (current events) jokes should be sent to topical@looking.ON.CA From rdclark@apple.com Thu Jul 6 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: rdclark@apple.com (Richard Clark) Subject: Surgeon General Keywords: chuckle, sexual Date: 6 Jul 89 10:30:04 GMT From Mark Russel's recent special -- "Did you know, that just a few years ago, C Everett Koop was a `3-pack a day' man? That's a lot of condoms!" -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Topical (current events) jokes should be sent to topical@looking.ON.CA From greg@bosco.Berkeley.EDU Thu Jul 6 18:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: greg@bosco.Berkeley.EDU Subject: Comments on the future evolution of languages. Keywords: original, smirk Date: 6 Jul 89 23:30:04 GMT Comments on the future evolution of languages: There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in all likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the future. In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving only an extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred from facial expression. Written French will stay exactly the same. These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate to Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels. In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other vocabularies, but the spelling will be original. Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other alphabets in the world. The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin alphabet, only backwards. A mirror will suffice for translating Russian into Polish. Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plus a verb at the end, of course. -- Greg greg@math.berkeley.edu -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Topical (current events) jokes should be sent to topical@looking.ON.CA From dg@lakart.UUCP Fri Jul 7 02:20:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: dg@lakart.UUCP (David Goodenough) Subject: Minimum wage Keywords: topical, smirk Date: 7 Jul 89 07:20:04 GMT When questioned as to why he vetoed the minimum wage increase, George Bush is reported to have replied: "I didn't think Dan Quale deserved a pay rise" [Heard on an early morning radio show in Boston (Loren & Wally in the morning, WVBF FM 105.7 - Boston)] -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. From rolfe@umn-cs.cs.umn.edu Fri Jul 7 05:30:04 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: rolfe@umn-cs.cs.umn.edu (Timothy Rolfe) Subject: Potentially offensive to economists Keywords: smirk Date: 7 Jul 89 10:30:04 GMT K. M. Reese, "Newscripts", Chemical & Engineering News (26 Jun 89), p. 64: "An economist, incidentally, is a chap who, when asked for his social security number, gives an estimate." -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. From jans%stammer.labs.tek.com@RELAY.CS.NET Sat Jul 8 02:20:05 1989 Flags: 000000000000 From: jans%stammer.labs.tek.com@RELAY.CS.NET (Jan Steinman) Subject: George *has* balls! Keywords: chuckle, topical Date: 8 Jul 89 07:20:05 GMT Philip Agee, former CIA agent turned intelligence community watchdog and whistle-blower, spoke in April at Reed College in Portland. He quoted Manuel Noriega: "I've got George Bush by the balls," and noted that the quote was "one of those rare statements that contains *two* revelations." -- Jan Steinman - N7JDB Electronic Systems Laboratory -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Not "joke."