textfiles/sf/hhgtng.txt

Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy-Class Cruiser
Written by Adrian Roselli

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Captain's log, stardate right after lunch:

Mr. LaForge has just completed a routine diagnostic on the Improbability
Drive and we are now prepared to travel, once again, in search of a plot. In
the meantime, Spot, Data's cat, has been set loose inside the ship, which I'm
sure will have bearing on this story somewhere.

Picard: Number One, you have the bridge. That tea has gone right through me.
(Wanders off to ready room)

Riker: (Staring straight forward, one elbow on knee, rises, sticks out chest,
keeps nose in air, sits in command chair in exact same dramatic pose as before)

Worf: Sir, incoming alien vessel of unknown configuration. 

Riker: On screen. (Raises an eyebrow) 

(Ugly, lumpy, yellow ship appears) 

Wesley: It looks like a huge snot! 

Data: We are being hailed. 

Riker: On screen. (Raises other eyebrow) 

(Ugly, lumpy, green creature) 

Vogon: Ilb jelt men gowf lort rezch pit... 

Crew: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! 

Data: Intriguing... 

Worf: GRAAAAAAAAAHHH DIE GRRAAAAAAAAAHHHH DIE GRAAAAHHH DIE!!! (Raises shields,
red alert lights blink, Data closes channel)

Crew: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH...... (All collapse) 

Data: Was that not enjoyable? 

Riker: (Dramatically picking self off floor) It was pure hell, Data. 

Data: But that is how you react to my poetry and you claim to enjoy it. 

Picard: (Running from ready room, zipping pants, kicking toilet paper off shoe)
What was that?

Riker: Pah...poh...puh...poetry? 

Picard: Get out of my chair you idiot. 

(Explosion noise, everyone leans left, then right) 

Crusher: (Dons dancing shoes) One two three and lean, and one two three and
lean.

Geordi: (From engineering) Sir, the reality warp coils are down. We need a
cold shot of reality, so I'm manually tying them to the Clinton inauguration.

Picard: Make it so. 

Worf: Sir, they've fired two missiles at us. 

Picard: Maximum power to shields. 

Wesley: (Sneaks out from under console) Why not hit this improbability thingy?
(Slaps switch in front of Worf)

Worf: No! The reality balance isn't even! There are no safety shunts! (Grabs
Wesley and snaps his neck. Crew politely applauds)

Computer: Warning, we have a plot complication, warning, we have a plot
complication. (Blinding white flash. Light fades. The bridge is covered in
fun-fur and several shaved animals are running about)

Arthur: Hello, what's this? (Wearing Riker's uniform. Has a bone in beard) 

Picard: What the hell? (Has full head of hair and aussie accent) 

Worf: (Surprised to see he is holding an electric razor, starts shaving down
the tactical station. Even more surprised to see he is wearing a cute dog
sweater) Sir, the missiles seem to have turned into a bowl of petunias and a
sperm whale. The yellow ship has vanished, but has been replaced by an
expanding unsolved Rubik's cube.

Picard: Mister Data, location! 

Marvin: (From conn) Oh, do this, do that, get me some tea. Here I am, brain
the size of a planet...

Picard: Who are you? 

Marvin: Call me Marvin, call me stupid, call me to do your laundry. 

Picard: Computer. 

Computer: Hey, call me Eddie, I'm your shipboard computer and I'm just
waiting for us to have some serious trek-type fun.

Picard: Somebody take us out of here. (Stalks off to ready room) 

Door: (Opens) Thank you for making a simple door very happy. 

Marvin: Oh shut up. 

(In ready room) 

Picard: Tea, earl grey, hot. (Door opens) 

Door: It gives me great satisfaction to open for you, and close again with
the knowledge of a job well done.

Arthur: Did I hear you say tea? 

Picard: Yes. (Replicator panel reads Sirius Cybernetics Nutri- Matic Drink
Dispenser, which Picard just now notices. Tastes the tea) Ewww. (Looks at
brown, sickly fluid then back at Arthur) Will, is that you?

Arthur: 'Well is that you'? Of course it's me, what kind of silly question is
that?

Picard: Good, it would seem a series of highly improbable events have happened
thanks to Mr. Crusher. In fact, I have this urge to take the Captain's yacht
out for a spin. Heineken, terribly cold. (Beer appears on replicator. Runs
fingers through hair) Well, I'm off then, Will, you have the bridge. (Leaves)

Arthur: Why does he say 'well' so much? (Leaves to bridge) 

(On bridge, Troi stops Arthur at door, which is mumbling. Picard has Beverly
hefted over one shoulder and leaves. Beverly aims tricoder at Picard's butt)

Troi: Will, I don't remember you having such a large bone. (Smiles) 

Arthur: Well. (Fingering bone in beard) Neither do I. 

Marvin: Gurgle gurgle. (Head in a bucket of water) 

Worf: (Interrupting the two) It appears, sir, that Data now has emotion,
except he is a manic depressive who demands to be called Marvin.

Arthur: So I'm in charge here? 

Worf: Yes, sir, who else? 

Arthur: Well, er, I think I'll get some tea. Marvin, you can have the bridge.
(Heads into ready room. Troi prances behind, both hit head on speaker hanging
from door)

Worf: What shall we do now, Commander...Marvin? 

Marvin: Oh, what does it matter? Whatever makes you happy I suppose. Not
that I can possibly know what that feels like.

Worf: Very well. (Ties Wesley's body to wall, practices phaser) 

(Elevator opens, Geordi steps out, doors slam shut, elevater audibly drops in
fear)

Geordi: (Ripped uniform) Geez, what'd you guys do? All the girls in
engineering have been all over me.

Worf: Do not ask. It would appear Commanders Riker and Data have gone insane,
Troi is...occupied, Wesley and Tasha are thankfully dead, Picard and Beverly
have gone to where no one has gone before, (pauses) and you are wearing a
Subaru air filter on your head.

Geordi: No, I've always had that. Computer! 

Computer: Hey guys, Eddie here, how can I be of service? 

Geordi: Are there any main characters left? 

Computer: Ensign Ro is currently bitchy, Chief O'Brien is trapped in a
spinoff phenomenon, and Spot has evolved into a well-dressed dude.

Worf: Very well, send Ensigns Expendable, Throwaway, Disposable and Agrajag
to the bridge. (Licks lips) Also, send Spot.

Computer: Hey, wow, sounds like a happenin' party. By the way guys, that
Vogon you destroyed has become a giant Rubik's cube.

Worf: The Borg!! 

(Ship rocks, red alert) 

Marvin: (Bucket spills) Oh, how typical. 

(Picard transports to bridge with a bra on his head. Crusher appears behind
him, limping)

Picard: Hey, thought I recognized you guys. Remember me? It's Locutious, or
whatever.

(Com screen activates) 

Robot: (White gleaming robot holding a club) We are Krikket, you will be
assimilated into the game. Count off by two's. (Beverly aims tricoder at
screen)

Picard: Mr. Worf! Full torpedo spread! 

(Explosions rock cube, flowers bloom from holes) 

100,000 Random People: WHOP! (White robots appear on bridge. Worf deftly
hops panel with phaser, gets quickly clubbed into Wesley's body in back wall)

Picard: Can't get me!!! (Runs into ready room) 

(In ready room) 

Troi: (Sitting) No, hit your chest, then look at the ceiling. 

Arthur: (Hits chest) *threep* (Looks at ceiling) Hello? Can you send up some
tea?

Picard: Out! Out! Out! (Punches Arthur) 

Arthur: Hey... (Faints. As he hits floor, phaser goes off in pocket, fires
through door and hits and kills Ensign Agrajag)

Troi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I feel great pain! 

Picard: That's just worf taking off his sweater. 

(On bridge) 

Marvin: (Talking to robots) And the diodes down my left side, every part of
me has been replaced at least fifty times, except the diodes down my left
side. Oh the pain.

Krikket Robots: Yes? (Quietly sobbing. Beverly aims tricoder at robots) 

Marvin: You know, they even made me try to stop a tank once? 

Geordi: Quick, Worf, While they're distracted!! 

Worf: Engaged. (Blinding white light. Light fades. Bridge is covered with
potted ferns and a spiral staircase that leads nowhere, a fire hydrant
sprouts from the tactical display. Krikket robots are replaced with puddles
of Tang)

Picard: (Steps out of ready room) My God, I have two heads! 

Worf: Yes, sir, and you're bald again. 

Riker: Get me out of here!! (Stuck in wall in extremely silly position.
Beverly aims tricoder at him)

Troi: Will! You look so... undramatic, so silly. 

Riker: I know. Kill me. Kill me, now. 

Picard Head 1: (Hits communicator) Picard to Riker. 

Riker: (Trying to reach patch and look at ceiling) NOOOOO! 

Picard Head 2: Cut that out! 

Data: It would appear, sir, that you will be unable to do the saxophone duet
with Mr. Clinton this Friday. (Polite applause from bridge crew)

Geordi: Hey guys, I can't see that well... 

Troi: You're wearing a dryer filter on your head. Perhaps you and Will will
need some counseling. My fees are reasonable.

Picard Head 1: Mr. Data, set a course for the Restaurant at the End of the
Universe. Reality warp factor reeaally big.

Data: Course set, sir. 

Picard Head 2: Engage. 

Picard Head 1: That's my line. 

(Shot of Enterprise outside. Resembles a large hubcap with a wire extending
out of the top)

The End
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Paul Mulka (aka Zaphod Beeblebrox)
beblbrox@squirrel.bradley.edu -- beblbrox@camelot.bradley.edu