197 lines
6.9 KiB
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197 lines
6.9 KiB
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Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
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Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!src.honeywell.com!mail-enters-news
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From: ottoh3@CFSMO.Honeywell.COM (Otto Heuer #3)
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Subject: HACK-MAN parody: Deep Space Nine -- the First Adventure
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To: alt.startrek.creative
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Message-ID: <9204150008.AA24764@tyrell.CFSMO.Honeywell.COM>
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Posted-Date: Tue, 14 Apr 92 19: 08:35 CDT
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Mailer: Elm [revision: 64.9]
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X-Disclaimer: I speak for me and not my boss; Honeywell's gain & Usenet's loss
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Sender: daemon@src.honeywell.com
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X-Car: (612) 865-4301
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X-Voice-Mail: (612) 785-4600 x8528
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Organization: Hack-Man's Hangout
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X-Internet: ottoh3@cfsmo.honeywell.com
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X-2nd-Choice: hackman@pnet51.orb.mn.org
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Date: Wed, 15 Apr 1992 00:08:35 GMT
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Received-Date: Tue, 14 Apr 92 19: 07:17 CDT
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X-Phone: (612) 785-4343
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Lines: 175
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It's been a few years since I've written a Star Trek parody for the net, so
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I thought I'd punch out a quick one to relieve the pressures of work,
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updating the FAQ lists, and getting "Hack-Man's TOS Guide" ready for print.
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I started working on this one back in January (or whenever the DS9 news
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broke out) and just finished it today. It incorporates a few ideas I gave
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to other parody writers as well as a few new ideas I'd come up with.
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I forgot what number I was up to (the highest number I could find in any of
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my directories was 017, which was one I wrote on 6/27/90. And I can't find
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any of mine except one from late 1987 before that. I'm confident that
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they're all archived on a few FTP sites around the world, though.
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Some of the characters won't be recognizable to people who haven't been
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reading r.a.s for a few years. Sorry if any of the newbies are confused.
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:-)
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With no further ado, I present the latest Hack-Man parody:
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"Star Trek: Deep Space Nine -- The first Adventure"
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Copyright 1992 Otto "Hack-Man" Heuer. All rights reserved.
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No part of this story may be reproduced without the permission of the author.
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Permission is granted to store this document electronically
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as long as none of the text is modified and this notice is preserved.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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V/O: Space.... The final frontier. These are the stationary voyages of
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Deep Space Nine. It's mission: to continue on the Star Trek dream
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that otherwise might start dying.... NOT!
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It looked extremely rocky for the Deep Space Nine that day, the score
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stood four to six, with yet an episode left to shoot.
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[ SCENE: The inside of the dimly-lit alien space station: Deep Space Nine ]
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O'BRIEN: What a heap.
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ZYMOR: With a little cleaning it'll look just fine.
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RO: I dunno. I kinda like it the way it is.
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[ ZYMOR finds the controlling mechanism for the lights and adjusts the
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intensity upward gradually ]
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ZYMOR: There... that's better.
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[ O'BRIEN draws his finger across a console, where a centimeter of grime
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has collected ]
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O'BRIEN: This is obviously some definition of the word "better" that I was
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previously unaware of.
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RO: [ under breath ] Wuss...
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[ O'BRIEN looks up from the control panels with that look of disgust that
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only he can muster up ]
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O'BRIEN: Well, we better get this station ship-shape before the Enterprise
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pays a visit.
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ZYMOR: Yeah, Picard needs everything to be perrrrrrrfect...
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O'BRIEN: What's your beef with *Captain* Picard, anyway?
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ZYMOR: Well, I wouldn't have to raise Gene, Jr. All by myself if it
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weren't for good ol' Locutus Picard.
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O'BRIEN: That was beyond his control and you know it!
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ZYMOR: Yeah... right...
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RO: Message coming in... audio only. It's Picard.
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ZYMOR: Put him on.
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RO: Okay. Picard--you're a great man and have a full head of hair!
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ZYMOR: No. I mean put him on THE SPEAKER.
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RO: All right, but I don't think the speaker can take it.
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[ ZYMOR sighs ]
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V/PICARD: We were able to clean up the conflict with the Cardassians in
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less time than we expected. We shall arrive a bit earlier than
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expected and shall assume aaaaaaaauuuuuuhbit around your space
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station as soon as we arrive.
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ZYMOR: Great...
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[ commercial: House of Representatives is in session. One guy whispers to
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the next, "Damn I hate this constipation!" The rep next to him states
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loudly enough for several dozen people to hear, "When my family's
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constipated..." At this point a small pink bunny struts across the desk.
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Still going... ]
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ACT II
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[ The Enterprise assumes orbit around Deep Space Nine. Cut to interior
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beaming platform. ]
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[ RIKER, PICARD, DATA, and WORF materialize ]
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[ PICARD sees the dingy surroundings and ruffles his nose. WORF smiles
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evilly. ]
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ZYMOR: Welcome aboard our humble staion, Pee-card.
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PICARD: Mmmm... thanks.
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[ PICARD steps down from the platform ]
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PICARD: This is my first officer, Wil Riker, Chief of security, Woof, and
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Data.
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ZYMOR: So... this is the famous android. [ walks up to Riker and starts
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examining him ] They never *could* make these things look real
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could they?
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RIKER: I'm Riker. Data here is the android.
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ZYMOR: Oh. Well... let me show you to the bridge.
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[ The party makes their way to the bridge, where Ro and O'Brien are fiddling
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with various controls ]
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ZYMOR: There are still a few controls we haven't figured out...
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DATA: May I?
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ZYMOR: Be my guest.
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DATA: If you insist. How about 8:00 tonight?
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[ DATA starts looking over the control panels ]
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DATA: If I am not mistaken, the controls appear to be of a Ferengi
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design, though they do not strictly follow the canonical
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Ferengi patterns...
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RO: No shit, Sherlock.
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[ DATA pulls out a cap and pipe ]
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DATA: For instance, this button here should be manual override for the
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main turbolift. [ presses button - a beam hit RIKER ]
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RIKER: Arrrrrrrrrrgh!
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DATA: But then again, I could be mistaken.
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[ Several copies of RIKER start appearing around the room ]
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RO: Oh, *great*... just what we needed. Hmmm... well "double your
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pleasure."
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ZYMOR: A minor setback... let me show you the rest of the ship. We
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have a magnificent Perecies Squares arena.
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[ commercial: ]
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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END OF PART 1
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Note: It really does start getting funny with part two... so hold on :-)
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--Otto "HACK-MAN" Heuer
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--
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C, Pascal, Fortran, BASIC, Assembly Language, Snobol, Ada, APL, Prolog, LISP
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Unix, MS-DOS, ProDOS . . . .... . . . . . . . Audio/Video
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ottoh@cfsmo.honeywell.com :..: .:.:. : :.' .. :`.': .:.:. :`. : Star Trek
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hackman@pnet51.orb.mn.org : : : : :... : `. : : : : : `: Apple IIgs
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