541 lines
25 KiB
Plaintext
541 lines
25 KiB
Plaintext
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Mortified Matchmakers Love Questionairre III
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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The Collegiate Version
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Name:
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University:
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1. Sex:
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a) Male b) Male - I think
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c) Female d) Only on a waterbed
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e) It f) Only on a slab
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g) Other h) All of the above
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2. I chase:
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a) Guys (I'm stupid)
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b) Girls (I'm really stupid)
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c) Both (I'm indecisive)
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d) Neither (I'm dead)
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e) Cars, sticks, and small blue rubber toys (I'm a dog)
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f) Inanimate objects (I'm not really motivated)
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g) Not sure (I'm confused)
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3. Century of Birth:
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a) 0th Century (Jesus Christ Groupie)
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b) 8th Century (Atila the Hun Groupie)
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c) 13th Century (Schizophrenic Alien Groupie)
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d) 15th Century (Michael Angelo Groupie)
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e) 19th Century (Abe Lincoln Groupie)
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f) 20th Century (Simpsons Groupie)
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g) 23rd Century (Star Trek: The Next Generation of Groupies)
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h) 25th Century (Buck Rogers Groupie)
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4. Religion:
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a) Ancient Egyptian (Horus, Iris, etc.)
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b) Ancient Greek (Zeus and those all-star Olympians)
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c) Ancient Roman (Ancient Greek with the names changed)
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d) Old Pagan (The original religion)
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e) Roman Catholic (Old Pagan with the names changed)
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f) Ancient Roman Catholic (Biggest money maker in Europe)
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g) Jewish (Still waiting for the Saviour. Stupid)
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h) Lutheran (Saw him. Missed him. Waiting again. Even
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stupider)
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i) Unitarian (Open to all religions)
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j) Old Religion (Modern Pagan)
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k) Atheist (Optimistic)
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l) Agnostic (Indecisive)
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m) Protestant (So many of them, and they all know The Truth)
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n) Hindu (Religion most probable to turn out to be the One
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True Religion)
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o) Martian ('Thou art god.')
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5. Style of Eyebrows:
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a) Unibrow (Bert)
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b) Bushy Brow (Groucho Marx)
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c) Vee Brow (Witch of the West)
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d) Owls Perched on Forehead Brow (Albert Einstein)
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e) Painted-On Brow (Tammy Fay Bakker)
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f) No Brow (Pink Floyd)
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6. Part I - I wear the following scent:
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a) Poison (not the group)
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b) Manure (bad advertising scheme)
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c) Santa Fe (not the railroad)
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d) Eau de Toilette (Ah, the fragrance)
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e) Drakkar Noir (Damn French names)
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f) Liz Taylor's Obsession
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g) Willie Nelson's Armpit
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h) Albert Einstein's Inspiration (99% perspiration)
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i) Opus' Cod-Head
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j) Nothing (I'm European)
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k) Other (Please state)
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Part II - I like my dates to wear the following scent:
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a) Poison b) Manure
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c) Santa Fe d) Eau de Toilette
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e) Drakkar Noir f) Obsession
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g) Armpit h) Inspiration
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i) Cod-Head j) Nothing
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k) Other
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7. Part I - I weigh about the same as:
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a) Michael J. Fox's pituitary gland
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b) A Pringle
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c) A feather
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d) Barry Manilow
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e) Barry Manilow, soaking wet
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f) Barry Manilow, with a 20 pound weight on his chest
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g) An average person
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h) An average person after swallowing lots of ball bearings
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i) Two average people grafted together
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j) A large land mammal
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k) A cement mixer
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l) The Stealth Bomber
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m) North America
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n) A teaspoon full of black hole
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Part II - I like my dates to weigh about the same as:
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a) Michael J. Fox's pituitary gland
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b) A Pringle
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c) A feather
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d) Barry Manilow
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e) Barry Manilow, soaking wet
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f) Barry Manilow, with a 20 pound weight on his chest
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g) An average person
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h) An average person after swallowing lots of ball bearings
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i) Two average people grafted together
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j) A large land mammal
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k) A cement mixer
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l) The Stealth Bomber
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m) North America
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n) A teaspoon full of black hole
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8. Part I - My hair is usually:
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a) Short and neat (standard for men)
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b) Long and neat (standard for women)
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c) Short and unkempt (slob)
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d) Long and unkempt (metal head)
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e) Spiked (with hairspray)
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f) Really spiked (with egg whites)
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g) Incredibly spiked (with wood grain)
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h) Cut with a bowl on my head (Navy cut)
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i) Coated with three cans of hairspray (High hair)
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j) Seen strolling in Peru with Imelda Marcos (?)
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k) In a Pompadour (Who are you, Elvis?)
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l) In an Afro (Why?)
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m) In a toupee (usually purple)
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n) Permed (chemical warfare in my hair)
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o) Missing (bald)
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p) Other (Please state [not that we'll enter it in])
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Part II - I like my date to have hair that is usually:
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a) Short and neat b) Long and neat
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c) Short and unkempt d) Long and unkempt
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e) Spiked f) Really spiked
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g) Incredibly spiked h) Cut with a bowl
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i) Coated with hairspray j) Seen strolling in Peru
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k) In a Pompadour l) In an Afro
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m) A toupee n) Permed
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o) Missing p) Other
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9. Part I - Favourite Pickup Line (To pick someone else up with):
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a) "Hi, I'm from another planet. Want a ride in my
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spaceship?"
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b) "You might think I'm psychotic, but I followed you home
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from the library, stole the envelope that guaranteed you
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one million dollars, looked up your address and phone
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number in the phone book (using good ole Ed McMahon as a
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guide), prank called you to make sure you were home, and
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came straight over here."
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c) "What do you think about purple M&Ms?
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d) "Heh, didn't I just read your name in the obituaries."
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e) "Hi." (Big Friendly Smile)
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f) "How would you like to be whipped, chained, and beaten
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till every bone in your body aches with pain?"
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g) "Madam, your eyes are more beautiful than the sun setting
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behind the trees on a cool spring day."
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h) "My, don't YOU have big muscles."
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i) "What's your sign?"
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Part II - Favourite Pickup Line (To be picked up with):
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a) "Hi, I'm from another planet....."
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b) "You might think I'm psychotic, but....."
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c) "What do you think about purple M&Ms?"
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d) "Heh, didn't I just read your name...."
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e) "Hi." (Big Friendly Smile)
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f) "How would you like to be whipped...."
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g) "Madam, your eyes are more beautiful than..."
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h) "My, don't YOU have big muscles."
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i) "What's your sign?"
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10. Part I - I would describe myself to be most like:
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a) Doctor Frankenfurter (Anything human [Fashionable
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Dresser])
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b) Catherine the Great (Anything that moves)
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c) Madonna (Anything)
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d) Charles Mansion ('It was a mercy killing.')
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e) Tom Cruise (sexually appealing actor)
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f) Rosanne Barr (nonsexually appealing actress)
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g) Lady Jane
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h) Leonardo Da Vinci (creative genius)
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i) Donald Trump (Rich. We mean really rich. We're talking
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clams the size of Manhattan here. Got it.)
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j) God (Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnibenevolent. All in one
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bottle)
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k) Myself (Really unique bore [Can't you think of anyone
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else?])
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l) Someone else (Really boring bore [No, I can't.])
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m) Other (Please state)
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Part II -I would most like to date someone like:
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a) Doctor Frankenfurter (I like transvestites)
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b) Catherine the Great (I don't mind what people do in the
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privacy of their own stable)
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c) Madonna (Okay. I go cheap. So what?)
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d) Charles Mansion (I like homicidal killers)
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e) Tom Cruise (Who wouldn't?)
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f) Rosanne Barr (Cough. Cough! Aiagh! What?!?)
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g) Lady Jane (I'm always fancied nobility)
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h) Leonardo Da Vinci (I like creative people)
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i) Donald Trump (Just to marry them and get a divorce)
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j) God (I like the powerful domineering type)
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k) Myself (A bit egocentric, aren't we?)
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l) Someone else (Don't like ourself?)
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m) Other (Please state)
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11. Part I - My current major is:
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a) Art (No, we are NOT all gay, thank you!)
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b) Philosophy (If I didn't exist, would I be able to
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contemplate the existence of my non-existence?)
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c) Math (One plus one equals three. See, no calculator!)
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d) Physics (Head in the Clouds Syndrome)
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e) Biology (Open up dead animals and try to figure out how
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they work)
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f) Chemistry (Playing with chemistry sets all day. Kind of
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childish really)
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g) Medicine (Want to become rich and screw people all day)
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h) Law (Want to become REALLY rich and REALLY screw people)
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i) Communication (Uh. Agh. Duh. Um. Hgh. Pffft!)
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j) English (They've been speaking it all their life and
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STILL they don't get it)
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k) Drama (So they're qualified to star in Cheerio
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commercials)
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l) Music (Learn how to write music that doesn't require
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lip-syncing)
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m) Mechanical Engineering (Learn how to build stuff that
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doesn't work)
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n) Civil Engineering (The "Social" Engineers. [oxymoron])
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o) Environmental Engineering (Learn how to design
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biospheres)
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p) Electrical Engineering (They design what the Japanese
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build)
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q) Computer Science (Life consists of Star Trek, Role
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Playing Games, and telecommunication services: "Geeks")
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r) Computer Engineering (EE and Comp Sci wannabes. Can't
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decide which though)
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s) Management (For when you can't make it in anything else)
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t) Architecture (It's a whole nother sub-culture out there,
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kind of like Kowforn [California])
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u) Archeology (Graveyard fanatics who like digging up
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decayed dead people)
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v) History (To learn from our mistakes, then to make them
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again so we can learn more)
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w) Foreign Language (Sprechen Sie Deutsch? Parles-vous
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francais? Hablas espanol?)
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x) Teaching (Teaching what? Hamster/Zebra mating techniques?)
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y) Other (Too many majors to list them all you know...)
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z) None (Undecided, confused people. If you're Liberal Arts,
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pick this option)
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Part II - I would like my date to have a major of:
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a) Art b) Philosophy
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c) Math d) Physics
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e) Biology f) Chemistry
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g) Medicine h) Law
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i) Communication j) English
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k) Drama l) Music
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m) Mechanical Engineering n) Civil Engineering
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o) Environmental Engineering p) Electrical Engineering
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q) Computer Science r) Computer Engineering
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s) Management t) Architecture
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u) Archeology v) History
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w) Foreign Language x) Teaching
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y) Other z) None
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12. Favourite Thing to Watch on TV:
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a) The Simpsons (high intellect cartoons)
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b) The Dan Quayle Show (low intellect cartoons)
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c) The Weather Channel (Do you really care about the weather
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in Malta?)
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d) Tiny Toon Adventures (Do you know about the mystery
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credit?)
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e) The Pat Sajak Show (What kind of loser are you?)
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f) MTV (Commercials 24 hours a day with some music in
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between)
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g) CNN (Is there really that much news in the world?)
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h) Univision (No hablo espanol)
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i) Static (I love to watch it snow)
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j) Two flies mating on the screen (Pitiful)
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k) Blank screen (Imagination)
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13. The majority of my clothes are:
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a) Torn b) Stolen
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c) Skirts d) Black
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e) From K-Mart f) My mother's
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g) Made by my mother h) See through
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i) Leather j) Colour coordinated
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k) On loan l) Someone else's
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m) Filled with burrs n) Borrowed from the costume
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o) Other closet
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14. Worst Nightmare:
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a) Your mother deciding to go back to college just as you
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are entering it and applying to the same ones as you.
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b) Every bone in your body pulled out one by one with ice
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cold pliers, no anesthesia.
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c) Sharing an elevator with a trio of Rosanne Barrs singing
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naked (not a freight elevator either).
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d) Waking up on a snooker table with a high school student
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and not knowing what state you're in.
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e) Having a Purity Test score of -1 (Imagine what you have
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to do to get this score).
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f) Other (Please don't state, we don't want to hear it).
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15. Wildest Dream:
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a) Having a Purity Test score of -1 (Imagine what you have
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to do to get this score).
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b) Being stranded on an island with 359 beautiful women (or
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georgeous men, depending upon your preferences), a case
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of condoms and a waterbed.
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c) To be a guest host on Wheel of Fortune.
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d) To nuke Canada as a joke and tell them the Dutch did it.
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e) To die.
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f) (Write own sex fantasy here).
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g) Other
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16. Things that really turn me off include:
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a) Other people (anti-social)
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b) The opposite sex (anti-sexual)
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c) My own sex (anti-homosexual?)
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d) Sex (A bit religious, are we?)
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e) Blisters gushing pus (Reasonable, I guess)
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|||
|
|
f) Partners over a foot taller than myself
|
|||
|
|
g) Crucifixion (Painful, unless you're into S & M)
|
|||
|
|
h) 2 inch long nose hair (Or worse yet, ear hair)
|
|||
|
|
i) Ivan Boesky (Well, I can understand)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
17. Which of the following is most important to you?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
a) Sex (average teen)
|
|||
|
|
b) Religion (missionary/Jesus Christ freak)
|
|||
|
|
c) Your right arm (with your right arm, who needs sex?)
|
|||
|
|
d) Hostess Ding-Dongs (food fanatic)
|
|||
|
|
e) Twin Peaks (suicidal homicidal soap opera freak)
|
|||
|
|
f) Bourbon (drunk)
|
|||
|
|
g) This survey (poor sod)
|
|||
|
|
h) Clean laundry (overzealous maid)
|
|||
|
|
i) Blood (ROTC/army type)
|
|||
|
|
j) Peace (coming back into style hippie)
|
|||
|
|
k) The physical laws governing the universe (over focused
|
|||
|
|
physicisicist)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
18. My room includes:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
a) A waterbed with dark satin black covers.
|
|||
|
|
b) A lava lamp and a snooker table.
|
|||
|
|
c) Several months worth of dirty laundry piled atop several
|
|||
|
|
more months of stinking dirty laundry.
|
|||
|
|
d) A half eaten Twinkie that's been under my bed since 1983.
|
|||
|
|
e) An underwear collection of someone else's underwear.
|
|||
|
|
f) 173 pairs of socks (randomly strewn across the room)
|
|||
|
|
g) A small but intensely powerful black hole.
|
|||
|
|
h) A lot of small blue rubber things.
|
|||
|
|
i) Ravenous wolves (It's a pain keeping it clean, believe
|
|||
|
|
me)
|
|||
|
|
j) Kuwait (Kind of puts an interesting spin on the Nightly
|
|||
|
|
News, doesn't it?)
|
|||
|
|
k) A cardboard box, an alley, lower Manhattan.
|
|||
|
|
l) Mirrors on the ceiling (He, he, he, he)
|
|||
|
|
m) Nothing at all whatsoever (Vacuum)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
19. Favourite Type of Nut:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
a) Ywebred b) Tasty Kind c) Round Kind
|
|||
|
|
d) Pistachio e) Other Kind f) Hazel
|
|||
|
|
g) 3 1/4 inch h) Bonified i) Harry Fishnut
|
|||
|
|
j) Male k) Peanuts l) Almond
|
|||
|
|
m) Cashews n) Hazelnut o) Salty
|
|||
|
|
p) An editor nut q) Purebred r) Filberts
|
|||
|
|
s) Macadamia t) Makadamion u) Makadamia
|
|||
|
|
v) Just a plain nut
|
|||
|
|
w) Other (Please state)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
20. If I was King For A Day, the first thing I would do is:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
a) Bomb Iraq
|
|||
|
|
b) Bomb France
|
|||
|
|
c) Bomb everywhere, indiscriminately
|
|||
|
|
d) Declare this "National Utilize Your Orifices Day"
|
|||
|
|
e) Make an executive order to have Vanna White, Howie
|
|||
|
|
Mandel, and the vice-king put to death for treason
|
|||
|
|
f) Use the army to kick the Hell out of those losers in
|
|||
|
|
Canada
|
|||
|
|
g) Tax everyone; retire
|
|||
|
|
h) Reinstate the secret police system
|
|||
|
|
i) Throw out the constitution and replace it with Weekly
|
|||
|
|
World News Year in Review
|
|||
|
|
j) Wake up, take a shower
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
21. If I was stranded on a desert island, the one thing I would
|
|||
|
|
want is:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
a) A boat (Practical, aren't we?)
|
|||
|
|
b) Bayer aspirin (9 out of 10 doctors preferred)
|
|||
|
|
c) A suspension bridge (Beats a boat)
|
|||
|
|
d) A wild pack of ravenous wolves (Need some excitement)
|
|||
|
|
e) A thermos (?)
|
|||
|
|
f) A gorgeous member of the opposite sex (Watch Blue Lagoon
|
|||
|
|
too often, eh?)
|
|||
|
|
g) A nuclear device
|
|||
|
|
h) A stake through the heart (Whatever turns you on)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
22. The statement which best summarizes my attitude towards life
|
|||
|
|
is:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
a) Aaarrrgh!
|
|||
|
|
b) Aaaiieee (slightly different, more fear)
|
|||
|
|
c) Where's my goddamn Twin Peaks?!
|
|||
|
|
d) Lick me.
|
|||
|
|
e) I never knew odour could be so interesting.
|
|||
|
|
f) Do you want to learn how to drive the big rigs?
|
|||
|
|
g) Good Lord! I'm on fire!
|
|||
|
|
h) Peace in the Middle East!
|
|||
|
|
i) I'm a lawyer. AND a chiropractor.
|
|||
|
|
j) I want to marry someone rich and powerful who will take
|
|||
|
|
care of me for the rest of my life.
|
|||
|
|
k) My life is a meaningless shithole (Thank you, Jean-Paul
|
|||
|
|
Sartre)
|
|||
|
|
l) I love myself.
|
|||
|
|
m) I love myself, except when my arm gets stuck in the
|
|||
|
|
garbage disposal.
|
|||
|
|
n) Ignore the grease stains.
|
|||
|
|
o) Recycle damnit.
|
|||
|
|
p) Wear a smile as your umbrella.
|
|||
|
|
q) Shut your mouth or I'll shut it FOR you.
|
|||
|
|
r) Jesus saves.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
23. Are you going to purgatory? (We had to do it).
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
a) I might stop by on my way to heaven.
|
|||
|
|
b) I might stop by on my way to hell.
|
|||
|
|
c) Not this year, thank you. Maybe next year I'll stop by
|
|||
|
|
on my way to Bermuda. [The "Purgatory? What's that?"
|
|||
|
|
option]
|
|||
|
|
d) Going?!? I LIVE there.
|
|||
|
|
e) Nah, I hate high altitudes.
|
|||
|
|
f) This is beginning to become a really lame question and I
|
|||
|
|
refuse to answer it. Who are you guys, some whacked out
|
|||
|
|
Dante fans? [Yes.]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
24. Ancestry:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
a) American Indian (Give us our land back, you damn Americans)
|
|||
|
|
b) Indian Indian (Give us our land back, you damn Britons)
|
|||
|
|
c) German (Absolutely a fabulously great ultimate thing to
|
|||
|
|
be [And so we wonder some more, is this test still biased
|
|||
|
|
-- damn straight!])
|
|||
|
|
d) French (And you ADMIT it?)
|
|||
|
|
e) English (Give us our land back, you damn Indians)
|
|||
|
|
f) Scottish (What exactly DO you have under those things?)
|
|||
|
|
g) Welsh (Are you real?)
|
|||
|
|
h) Irish (No Idaho Instant Mashed Potatoes here)
|
|||
|
|
i) Italian (Can you cook ANYTHING without using that damn
|
|||
|
|
pasta?)
|
|||
|
|
j) Swedish (We're going to PUMP, you up)
|
|||
|
|
k) Russian (When will you learn to write an N the right way
|
|||
|
|
round?)
|
|||
|
|
l) Spanish (And God said to Spain, go and populate South
|
|||
|
|
America)
|
|||
|
|
m) Greek (You're father being in a fraternity does not count
|
|||
|
|
for this one)
|
|||
|
|
n) Iranian (Terrorism. It's not just a job. It's a
|
|||
|
|
profession)
|
|||
|
|
o) Oriental (Sorry, we can't tell you apart)
|
|||
|
|
p) European (Oops. We can't tell you apart either)
|
|||
|
|
q) Chinese (Land of the Oriental Communists)
|
|||
|
|
r) Japanese (Land of the Oriental Capitalists)
|
|||
|
|
s) Korean (Not Chinese. Not Japanese. Must be Korean)
|
|||
|
|
t) Maltese (Just kidding)
|
|||
|
|
u) African (Never mind, I KNOW what you guys have under
|
|||
|
|
those things)
|
|||
|
|
v) Antarctican (Some of my best friends are penguins. Some
|
|||
|
|
of my best penguins are friends.)
|
|||
|
|
w) Martian (Martian! Martian! Doesn't anyone come from
|
|||
|
|
Saturn anymore?)
|
|||
|
|
x) Saturnian (Secret Martian wannabes)
|
|||
|
|
y) Tellus Tertian (Schizophrenic aliens popping up
|
|||
|
|
everywhere?)
|
|||
|
|
z) Other (Heh, didn't we cover pretty much everyone?)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Apologies
|
|||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~
|
|||
|
|
We apologise to all users of this test for the appalling use
|
|||
|
|
of Michael J. Fox's pituitary gland. It is quite untrue that one
|
|||
|
|
night while he was sleeping we snuck into his room, put him under
|
|||
|
|
anesthesia, opened him up, and actually weighed it. All rumours
|
|||
|
|
that it was .365 pounds are totally false. Apologies are
|
|||
|
|
extended to Barry Manilow for using him as weight
|
|||
|
|
standards. But think about it this way, someday, millions of
|
|||
|
|
years in the future someone will be saying, yeah, I only weigh
|
|||
|
|
one and a half Manilows (Okay, it IS a pretty scary thought).
|
|||
|
|
We must of course apologise to Malta for laughing that it was
|
|||
|
|
even a real country. So sorry. Apologies to all those who
|
|||
|
|
didn't get their nut in the last nut question, it should be in
|
|||
|
|
there now. Especial apologies to Kim Morris who's filbert nut
|
|||
|
|
has been sitting around waiting to be added for quite a while.
|
|||
|
|
Finally, apologies to the Welsh for laughing at their country
|
|||
|
|
too and to anyone else we may have offended either on purpose
|
|||
|
|
or by accident.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Thanks & Acknowledgements
|
|||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
|||
|
|
We extend our gracious thanks to the following people.
|
|||
|
|
Trevor Lohrbeer for creating Mortified Matchmaker's, the NSSP,
|
|||
|
|
and all that other mayhem you've been dealing with for oh so
|
|||
|
|
long. Jeremy P. Bushnell and Stephen Colella for helping in the
|
|||
|
|
writing and dreaming up of a lot of these questions. Jennifer
|
|||
|
|
King for helping on the pickup lines, the perfumes, and various
|
|||
|
|
questions I can't remember. Kim Morris for bugging me oh so
|
|||
|
|
often to put in filberts. There in. Satisfied. Joseph Melillo
|
|||
|
|
for existing for me to ridicule so I could dream up categories
|
|||
|
|
for this year's Mortified Matchmaker's. Without him I would have
|
|||
|
|
said forget it. Thanks to all those who supported this thing
|
|||
|
|
through the three years and to all those who didn't. Join the
|
|||
|
|
National Society of Strange People (NSSP) today [Contact Trevor
|
|||
|
|
Lohrbeer at the above mentioned address (first page) for more
|
|||
|
|
information] and support strangeness in America and all over the
|
|||
|
|
world. Creative people Unite!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|