408 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
408 lines
15 KiB
Plaintext
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Female Jokes
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First Woman: "This is very embarrassing, but every time I sneeze, I
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have an orgasm."
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Second Woman: "You poor dear! Are you taking anything for that?"
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First Woman: "Snuff."
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------------
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What's the definition of the perfect woman?
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1) She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth
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and her head is flat so you can put cocktails on it.
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2) The sports model has pull-back ears and her teeth fold in.
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3) The economy model - she fucks all night and at midnight
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she turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.
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------------
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Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher walked up
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to them and displayed his endowments. The first old lady had a stroke,
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the second old lady had a stroke, but the third old lady's arms were too
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short to reach.
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------------
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This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and
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says, "I'd like a scotch and soda and I'd like to buy that
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douche bag at the end of the bar a drink." The bartender
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says, "Hey, she's a regular and you can't be talking about
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her that way." The guy says, "Okay, I'd like to buy that
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nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink." The
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bartender says, "That's more like it," and he walks up to
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the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says,
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"Vinegar and water."
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------------
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A man meets up with an old roomate whom he has not seen for many years.
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The roomate has had a sex-change operation. "Was it painful?", asks the former.
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"No, not really" says the second. "How about when they cut off your dick?"
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"No that really wasn't the worst of it." "Really?" says the first. "How
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about when they had to create the new hole? That must have been painful."
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"No the worst part was when they stuck the straw in my ear and sucked out half
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my brains."
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--------------
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Why did God give women nipples?
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To make suckers out of men.
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Why did the Detroit Lions hire two nuns and a prostiture for the new season?
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Because they needed two tight ends and a wide receiver.
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Why are clams like women?
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When the red tide comes, you don't eat them.
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How does a man know when he's eaten pussy well?
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When he wakes up in the morning and his face looks like a
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glazed doughnut.
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Did you hear about the new video game for women only, called Dick-Man?
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You put a quarter in and get fucked.
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I've got a joke so funny it'll make your breast fall off:
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Oh...I see you've already heard it.
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What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
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A cherry float.
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What do you do when your Kotex catches fire?
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Throw it on the floor and tampon it.
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What's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1?
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Bo Derek getting older.
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Did you hear about the new douche powder made of alum, LSD, and Kentucky
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Fried Chicken batter?
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It's uptight, outasight, and finger-lickin' good.
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What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
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You can unscrew a light bulb.
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What do fat girls and mopeds have in common?
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They're both fun to ride until a friend see you.
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Why are women giving up bowling for screwing?
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The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
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What's the difference between a job and a wife?
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After five years, the job still sucks.
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How do you make paper dolls?
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Screw an old bag.
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What's the white stuff you find in women's panties?
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Clitty litter.
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Bumber sticker: Support E.R.A. - make him sleep on the wet spot.
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What do you call a rehabilitation home for ex-prostitutes?
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An all-the-way house.
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Definition of a wife: "An attachment you screw on the bed to get the
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housework done."
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How are an oven and a woman alike?
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You have to get them both hot before you can stick the meat in.
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Remember what's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? (Getting
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fingered by Captain Hook.) Well, you know what's worse than that?
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Getting eaten out by Jaws.
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What's the purpose of a bellybutton?
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To put your gum in on the way down.
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Why was the stamp commemorating prostitution so unpopular?
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You had to pay an extra ten cents to lick it.
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What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
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You can't hear an enzyme.
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How do you make a hormone?
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Put sand in the Vaseline.
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What's a cunt that talks back?
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An answering cervix.
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What do you give an eighty-year-old woman for her birthday?
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Mikey ... He'll eat anything.
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What do you call a woman who uses too much contraceptive cream?
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A spermicidal maniac.
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Why do women have legs?
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So they don't leave snail tracks on linoleum floors.
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What do you call a hooker with no legs?
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A nightcrawler.
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What do you call a girl who's just been run over by a car?
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Patty.
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Why do female parachutists always wear pantyhose?
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So they won't whistle.
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How do you tell when a woman is wearing pantyhose?
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If she farts, her ankles will swell.
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How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
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Look for the dandruff on her shoes.
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Why do women have 2 holes so close together?
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In case you miss.
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Why do women have 2 holes so close together?
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So you can carry them home like a six-pack.
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What do you call a female clone?
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A clunt.
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Why did the guy trade in his wife for an outhouse?
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Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.
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Why is there a string on the end of a tampon?
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So you can floss after you eat.
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How does a girl hold her liquor?
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By the ears!
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How is a woman like a frying pan?
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You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
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How is a woman like an airplane?
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Both have cockpits.
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How is a woman like a road?
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Both have manholes.
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Which of the group doesn't belong (eggs,wife,meat,blowjob)?
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A blowjob because you can beat the others but you can't beat a blowjob
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Ladies, look down inside your shirts and spell the word attic out loud.
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Three mysteries of women:
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1. They can give milk without eating grass.
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2. They can bleed for a week every month without dying.
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3. (My favorite). They can bury a bone without getting their
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noses dirty.
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What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
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Sends him to work.
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Your wife's just like a rifle: First she gets cocked and then she blows.
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Your wife's just like a bowling ball: She gets picked up, fingered, thrown
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in the gutter, and always comes back for more!
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How many male Chauvinists does it take to clean a toilet ?????
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None ! Thats womans work.
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What two things in the air might get a woman pregnant?
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Her feet!
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If God didn't want man to eat pussy, He wouldn't have made it look
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so much like a TACO!
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What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
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FULL!!
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How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much?
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A: Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch,
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If you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.
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How does a women get a mink coat ?
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The same way mink gets a mink.
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----------
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A woman goes to the gynecologist with a terrible case of
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crotch rot. The doctor takes one whiff & almost passes out.
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"My dear," says the Doc, "this is serious! What you need is Mega Douche!"
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"Mega Douche?" says the woman, "What's that?"
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"It's my own formula! It contains marijuana, talcum powder
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& Kentucky fried chicken."
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"Why marijuana, talcum powder & fried chicken?"
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"Because you wanna keep that thing high & dry & finger lickin good!"
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-----------
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Three men were sitting on a beach; a fairly good-looking blonde walks by.
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The first man says, "I give her a six"; the second, "I give her a 7"; the
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third says, "She is a 1." The other two look at him and wonder. Another
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woman walks by. The first man says, "She is an 8"; the second says, "I give
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her an 8+"; the third says, "She is a three." Again the first two men wonder
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about him. Then an extremely fine-looking redhead approaches. The first man
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says, "She is a 10!" The second man says, "She is an 11!!" The third guy
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says, "She is a six." The other two finally look at him and say, "What is the
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matter with you, man?? That redhead is perfect!! Are you weird or
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something??"
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"Wait a minute--you don't understand; I use the Budweiser scale."
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"What the hell is that?"
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"That's how many clydesdales it would take to pull her off my face."
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----------------------------------
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How A Pussy Was Made
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====================
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Seven Wise Men made up their minds
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to build then a Pussy of their own Design.
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The First was a Carpenter, full of wit,
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with a Hammer and Chisel, He made the Slit.
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The Second, a Blacksmith, black as coal,
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with an Anvil and Sledge, He made the Hole.
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The Third, a Rich Tailor, tall and thin,
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with a peice of Red Ribbon, He lined it within.
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The Fourth, a Furrier, big and stout,
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with the Skin of a Bear, He lined it without.
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The Fifth, a Fisherman, old and bent,
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with a Rotten Herring, He gave it a Scent.
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The Sixth, a Preacher, with a B.A. degree,
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Patted it, and Felt it, and said it would Pee.
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The Seventh, a Rabbi, a Mean Little Runt,
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Blessed it, and F*cked it, and called it a C*nt.
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----------------
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This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed
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his choices down to 3 women. He couldn't make up his mind on which
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one he should marry, so he tested them. He gave each women $5,000
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to see what they would spend it on. The first woman went out, bought
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furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself. The second woman
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put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself. The
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third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young
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man.
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Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man
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married?
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answer: The woman with the biggest tits, of course!
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------------------
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Chemical Analysis
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Element : Woman
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Symbol : WO
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Discoverer : Adam
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Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from
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25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified
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Occurance: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
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energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban areas
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Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely
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nothing, and freezes at a moments notice. Totally
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unpredictable. Melts when properly treated, very bitter
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if not well used. Found in various states, ranging from
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virgin metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted
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by coins & sports cars. In its natural shape the
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specimen varys considerably, but it is often changed
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artificially so well that the change is indiscernable
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except to the experienced eye.
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Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, & C, especially in the
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crystalline form. May give violent reaction if left
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alone. Will absorb great amounts of food matter. Highly
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desired reaction is initiated with various reagents such
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as C(2)-H(5)-OH & sexy aftershave. An essential catalyst
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is often required (must say that you love her at least 5
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times daily). Reaction accelerates out of control when
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in dark & all reaction conditions are suitable.
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Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable
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pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
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The reaction is highly exothermic.
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Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 & 25 years.
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Uses: Highly ornamental. Uses as a tonic for low spirits. Used on lonely
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nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
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Tests: Pure specimens turn rosey tint if discovered in raw, natural state.
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Turns green if placed beside a better specimen.
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Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income & ego). Highly
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explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must be used with great
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care if experiments are to succeed. It is illegal to possess more
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than one permanent specimen, though a certain amount of exchange is
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permitted.
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------------------
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Banana Loaf
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-----------
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2 laughing eyes
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2 bowing arms
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2 well-shaped legs
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2 firm milk containers
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1 fur-lined mixing bowl
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1 banana
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Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs and slowly squeeze and
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massage milk containers gently until mixing bowl is well greased. Check
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frequently with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until
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creamed. Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is
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done when banana is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick
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the bowl.
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WARNING: If bread rises, LEAVE TOWN !!!!!!!!
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--------------------
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What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
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A widow.
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Why do women have tits?
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So men will talk to them.
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Why do women have periods?
|
|||
|
|
Because they deserve them.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Why is a woman better than a sheep?
|
|||
|
|
Sheep can't cook.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Why does a woman have one more brain cell than a cow?
|
|||
|
|
so she doesn't shit on the floor when she does the dishes.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
--------------------
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Joe: I got a problem.
|
|||
|
|
Ed: What's the matter?
|
|||
|
|
Joe: Women. I just don't understand them.
|
|||
|
|
Ed: Do you understand your TV?
|
|||
|
|
Joe: No.
|
|||
|
|
Ed: So what's the problem?!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
--------------------
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
And a little story:
|
|||
|
|
Guy and girl in back of van going at it... Girl says "put a finger in me"
|
|||
|
|
So he does. Then she says "put another finger in me" and he does.
|
|||
|
|
"Put ANOTHER finger in me" and again he does. "Put your whole HAND in me"
|
|||
|
|
and he does... "Put your other hand in me" and again he obeys.
|
|||
|
|
"Now clap" At this point he replies "I can't!"
|
|||
|
|
"Tight huh?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
--------------------
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
How many radical feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Three: One to change it,
|
|||
|
|
One to support her by holding the ladder,
|
|||
|
|
One to write an indignant essay condemning the use of the
|
|||
|
|
word "screw".
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
--------------------
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood,
|
|||
|
|
and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking,
|
|||
|
|
she takes a dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to
|
|||
|
|
the attendant:
|
|||
|
|
"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
|
|||
|
|
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
|
|||
|
|
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!!"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|