textfiles/occult/whyme1-1.txt

           __________________________________________________
          /                                                 /
         /              The Eternity Articles              /
        /                                                 /
       /         Act I, Scene i -- February 1995         /
      /_________________________________________________/
      \                                                 \
       \      Guy in charge:  Sanjay Singh               \
        \                     eternity@cyberspace.org     \
         \_________________________________________________\

     "To start blindly with a statement is a sign of arrogance
     and narrow-mindedness and will lead to conflict.  To
     start blindly with a question is a sign of uncertainty
     and honesty, and will lead to wisdom."  [Scott Watson]

     Too bad I don't really have a question to begin with.  Oh
well.  This is the beginning of the journey.  Hopefully, through
this thing, we will be able to accomplish something.  I'm not
promising any great questions will be answered, but at least
they'll be exposed.  If we're really lucky we might even find out
what our destination is.  I meant to say that in a less cheesy
metaphysical sense, but sometimes the right words just don't want
to come out.

     This, being the first issue, might not be perfect.  Hell, it
probably won't make any sense in some parts, but as time goes on,
we should be able to fix the little problems, and get on with our
lives.  It's also a little short.  I was hoping for something
around 10 pages, but being the first issue I didn't really have
that many other people willing to talk.  Hopefully, this will
change with time.

     The Eternity Articles are mine, but I'll take whatever help is
offered.  Any comments, questions, or just plain old fashioned
rantings are welcome.  If you do send mail then please let me know
how you found out about The Eternity Articles.  Might as well find
out how many people are reading it.

     Each month I'll try to deal with a new topic... In the spirit
of Valentine's Day (or the Suicide Holiday depending on who you
listen to), I'm starting off with love (awwww).  Even after all of
the pain it's caused me, I still need it, go figure, eh?  Sorry to
have kept on beating myself up on this one, but hell, next issue I
start getting angry.  Don't worry, that'll make sense in a couple
of issues.


Dedication
==========
     "This entire opus is respectfully dedicated to all those
     who have loved unconditionally only to have their hearts
     unanaesthetically ripped out:  base not your joy upon the
     deeds of others, for what is given can be taken away.  NO
     HOPE = NO FEAR." [Peter Steele]

     This issue is dedicated to her (or him).  We all have someone
that could have turned out to me more than a friend, or just
someone that we admired from a distance.  They might have torn out
our hearts and thrown them away without even knowing the pain and
anguish they've caused, but we still love them anyways.


Introduction
============
     "Love is a rare opportunity and when that love is somehow
     parted it's something deep down inside that wants just a
     reminder, a slice of memory, a possession." [2nu]

     I've always loved the rain.  It always had a cleansing and
purifying feel to it.  It takes all of the dirt on the road and
just washes it away.  Of course, the problem is that when it starts
to rain, everything comes to the surface, all of the oil, dirt, and
cap that's been buried deep below the surface.

     The best part of a rainy day has to be the at the end of it
all.  When the water stops falling and a dark cloud of fog covers
everything.  The light is gone, you can't see too far ahead, but
whatever's ahead can't see you either.

                                   * * *

     It was a rainy day that she stopped by my house.  I opened the
door, and there she was, just standing there with just enough water
in her hair to change it to a deep chestnut colour.  It reminded me
why I fell in love with her two years earlier.  It had more than a
year and a half since I'd last seen her, and I don't think she
could have ever looked more beautiful to me than she did at that
moment.

     I don't know how long I was just standing there, staring at
her, but eventually she asked if should could come in.  I let out
a little nervous laugh, and invited her in.  I knew she was coming,
she called yesterday afternoon.  I had always missed her, but even
though we talked on the phone every once in a while, it just wasn't
the same thing as seeing her.  She told me that we needed to talk,
face to face.  I can't really say that I've ever been more scared
at any other point in my life.  It took me completely by surprise.
Of course, I would be ecstatic to see her again, to hold her in my
arms, and never want to let go, but it also brought a flood of
memories back to the surface.  The same memories, that had stopped
me from seeing her for what could have been an eternity.  Memories
I had desperately tried to bury, to hide, to ignore, to forget.

     We sat down and started to talk.  Well, she talked.  I
listened, but I don't know if I heard anything she said.  All I
would think about was the night it all ended...


Quote I Had To Toss In But Didn't Know Where To Put It
======================================================
     "I am a romantic, but I do put up a barrier around
     myself, so it is hard for people to get in and to know
     the real me.  I fall in love much too quickly and that
     results in me getting badly hurt.  The problem with love
     is that you lose control and that is a very vulnerable
     state to be in.  I would love to really have a beautiful
     relationship with somebody, but it never seems to work
     out.  What I would like most of all is to be in a state
     of blissful love."  [Freddie Mercury]


Why I Hate Valentine's Day
==========================
     Yes, I hate Valentine's day.  Big deal.  A lot of people do.
I know, I just thought I'd say it.  It's actually one of the
elitist holidays.  A chance for you to either flaunt what / who you
have or just feel pathetic because you're alone.  Wonderful, as for
the romantic aspect... Well that's all fine and dandy, but why do
we need a special occasion to actually express love?  It's like
when a friend told me that Christmas was nice because at least it's
a time when people actually try to be nice and civilized to each
other.  Why the hell do we need an excuse to be nice to each other?
The sad thing is that he's right.

     But, back to the occasion at hand... Why do we need to have a
day to show affection?  If you want to give your significant other
a gift, then give it to them.  You don't need a holiday to shower
someone with gifts.  If you feel like getting someone something,
then just do it.  Don't wait for a holiday.  The same things goes
for nice dinners, or nights on the town.  Love is supposed to be
impulsive... don't wait for one day to make it worthwhile.  If you
lose the person you love before Valentine's day then you'll know
that you have to make every second count, and you can't waste your
life away, just waiting for anything, be it holiday or even just
tomorrow.  Sometimes you don't get a second chance, and sometimes
you throw your second chance away.  Don't waste what you have.  But
I've gone far off topic now, so I think I'll just close this part.

     By the way, the only redeeming quality behind Valentine's day
is those little cinnamon hearts.  (fyi:  the only redeeming quality
behind Easter are Cadbury's Cream Eggs)


Why Be Alone
============
     "I see your face in every flame / With no answers I have
     only myself to blame / Of all the women I have known --
     they're not you / I'd rather be alone." [Type O Negative]

     In a time where love is supposedly everything that matters and
anyone that's single is left out in the cold, the obvious question
is 'why be alone?'  I wish I had an answer to this.  I've been
alone for far too long, but there's not much I can do about it (yes
I know that's a cop out).  Everyone that is alone has their own
reasons and excuses.

     My excuse is that I just haven't gotten over her yet.  She was
perfect, and I screwed that relationship up.  Then about two years
later someone else came along.  It was great.  She was beyond
perfection, for a time when I really needed someone, I knew she was
there for me.  Then I fell in love with her.  I should've seen it
coming, but I didn't.  Of course, it didn't work out.  Hell, I
couldn't even tell her until last year how I really felt.  The
problem is that I'm still madly in love with her.  It's been a year
since the last time I talked to her, and that was a year and a half
since the last time I had talked to her.  I've had my chances, and
I've thrown them both away.  How many people actually go through
live without knowing what true love is, and I've felt it twice.  No
more second chances, no more dreams, no more hopes, no more
anything.  Maybe I should've enjoyed the ride while I was on it.


Song Tossed In Because I Wanted To
==================================
     Ok, so maybe I am the only person in the world that bought
their album, but that doesn't mean that it's not good.  Personally,
I love the album.  You don't need to buy it (and you'll probably
never find it if you're looking for it) but here's one of the
songs.  I'm sure you'll see why I chose it...  And if you notice
any similarities between this and the introduction it's because
they've articulated what I wanted to say much better than I ever
could.

     Two Outta Three by 2nu
     ----------------------
     There was a humming bird just outside the
        glass that separated us from the lake
     He looked in for just a moment and flew away
     I couldn't help thinking how simple his life
        must be

     We sat quietly in the warm swirling bubbles
     I don't think I could have loved her more than
        at that very moment
     There was this little bead of water that was
        making its way down her long, silky, wet
        hair
     I said to myself, if I can count to ten before it drops,
        she'll love me forever

     I barely got to seven before it fell like a
        rock
     And ran slowly down over her bare shoulders and disappeared
        into the bubbles again

     I must have been looking at her for a long
        time, before I realized that she was
        looking back
     And that day in the rain was a million
        memories ago
     The cafe was getting noisier, and the coffee
        was getting colder
     And finally, she began to explain why it was
        over
     I couldn't believe what was actually happening
     I was watching her talk, but I couldn't hear
        the words
     I was dying inside
     And she never looked more beautiful

     Even after she was gone, I could still smell
        her perfume
     I always would

     I got up to leave and stepped out into the
        rain
     Stuck my hand in my coat pocket
     And pulled out the rose that I meant to give
        her
     The wilted petals fell to the ground
     I counted them out
     Still trying to beat the odds
     She loves me,
     She loves me not
     Two outta three


Dying Culture
=============
     Alright, I won't be doing this often, but this is something
that I had to do.  I'm just going to suggest that everyone out
there that's reading this go out and rent the movie FRESH.
Supposedly it's coming out on video this week, and I honestly
believe that it is the best movie I've ever seen.  I saw it over
the summer (after Forrest Gump) and had never seen anything like
it.  I won't waste any more time than this, but see it.  I can't
really give you a plot summary without screwing up some of the more
important scenes, sorry.  The only reason that I'm suggesting this
here, is because it was great, and no one has probably ever heard
of it, which is a tragedy in itself.


How To Get This
===============
     Well if you have this then you probably know how you got it,
but in case this was passed on to you, then I'll just let you know
where this can be found.

ftp:     ftp.etext.org  /pub/Zines/WhyMe/
gopher:  gopher.etext.org  follow the prompts
mail:    if you want a copy sent by mail then just send a request
           to me at the eternity address.  I'm not sure if I'm going
           to set up an automatic mailing list... depends on demand
           I suppose.  But if you ask for a copy then I will send
           one to you.


Notes On Quotes
===============
     In case you haven't noticed it, there's a quotes.gz file in my
directory at etext.  Take a look at it, it's my own personal quote
list, and it's more or less the inspiration behind this.  At last
count there were over 400 quotes, sometimes I get more each week,
or less frequently.  If you want a more recent copy, send mail to
eternity, I'll send out the latest version to you.  I should update
the file at etext every 3 or 4 months, just so you know.


Where To Now?
=============
     "Sometimes you want to run away / Sometimes you think you
     do / But you never had a dream like this before / And you
     don't want to ask for more / Sometimes you leave a mark
     / Before you know the score." [Ric Ocasek]

     Honestly, I'm not sure where we will be going from here.  I
was planning on doing the next issue on "who we are," but the story
I wanted to start off with was written by a friend of mine, and
he's not too sure if he wants to share it with everyone, so that
idea was thrown out the window.  Of course, this leads to the
problem of what to do.  "Freedom," in all it's glory, for good and
bad.  That's what this thing will cover next month...  Any ideas,
suggestions, or articles are welcome.

     Anyways, I'm off, thanks for keeping me company this month.


Inspirations
============
     Well, I just want to acknowledge the following for helping out
directly or indirectly:
     Type O Negative --  when nothing else seems to make sense,
                         they do, I'm not sure why, or even if
                         this is a good thing, but it seems to
                         work.  (I can't believe that I'm
                         acknowledging them before I got to The
                         Cars, but c'est la vie)
     Scott Watson --     the only person that keeps me on my toes
                         constantly by pointing out flaws in every
                         single thing that I say and do.


Disclaimer
==========
     I take full responsibility of the overall content here.  There
might be other contributors (and their articles are their own
intellectual property), but what goes into this is my choice.
Truth is subjective (if you believe something then to you it is
fact, and if you don't then it is fiction, simple enough?) so I
won't make any claims about honesty... believe what you want.  I
have no problem with people taking bits and pieces from here to pad
essays, or even their own stuff.  Just make sure that you cite
whoever wrote the article.  If it doesn't say who wrote it, then
it's probably mine.

     If you know anything about ISSN numbers, like where I can get
one, or what I need them for, or even if I need one, could you
please let me know... Everyone else has one, and I want one too.
Thanks.

Sanjay Singh (2/23/95)
.