402 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
402 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
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The Book Of The SubGenius
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Lunatic Prophecies For The Coming Weird Times
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This is not the entire book of the SubGenius. Yes, it contains all
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the chapters, and most of the writings are here, but this simple Text
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file cannot contain nearly the amount of SLACK that the book has. I have
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type the whole thing, under the directive of "Bob" himself, so that you
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may gain some insight into the Church Of The SubGenius (TM) and then go
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out and by the book. This file also makes a handy reference when the book
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is in your excremeditation chambers, where it belongs.
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We, the Anonymous Scribes, realize that this file has been written without
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the consent of the publishers and "authors" of this fine book, namely His
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Greatness, The Sacred Scribe Of The SubGenius Church, The Reverend Ivan
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Stang, and therefore this file is illegal. We ask for forgiveness from
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This Holy Person, but we also know that this will generate book sales
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by bringing the Word O'Dobbs to the remote, hidden SubGenius who know
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nothing of their Inner Slack.
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So, I'm telling you. This file is not nearly as good as the Book and is
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actually an advertisement to sell the Book.
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To order the Book, either go to your nearest book store, or obtain it
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from the Foundation by writing to
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The Church Of The SubGenius
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P.O. Box 140306
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Dallas, TX 75214 USA
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You can order the book for $11.95 + $3 S/H.
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There is also an order form at the end of this file, where you can find
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out how to receive ordainment and lots of other Holy Junk.
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When ordering from the Foundation, please mention That The Anonymous
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Scribes provided you with the information. This will help us in our
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case. "Bob" is looking out for us, but his perfect imperfection may
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cause him to forget us in a lawsuit. Also...Don't say WHERE you saw
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this file.
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The Book Of The SubGenius
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Sometimes a book goes too far.
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Sometimes...is NOW.
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First -- there was The Gilgamesh
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Then... The Bhagavad-Gita
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Then... The Torah, The New Testament, The Koran
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Then... The Book of Mormon, Dianetics, I'm OK you're OK.
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And now...
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----------------------- THE BOOK OF THE SUBGENIUS ----------------------
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THE BOOK YOU NOW HOLD IN YOUR HANDS COULD CREATE A NEW INQUISITION -
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A SELF-PERPETUATING FASCIST STATE THAT WILL LAST TO THE END OF HUMANITY
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- OR IT COULD BE THE FOUNDATION-STONE OF THE PROMISED KINGDOM OF PEACE
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AND HARMONY. WHICH WILL IT BE?
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--------------(How To Prosper In The Coming Weird Times)-----------------
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Yes, YOU can rape your own mind. YOU can finally relax in the safety of
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your own delusions.
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This epipastic for the brains of Epoptics, Beholders, and Initiates,works
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an authentic magician's spell that will drive OUT the foreign person-
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alities and id-demons. Protected by its own occult roots in the most
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extreme forms of para- and mech-psychology, it places the reader within a
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"shell" of Weird Phenomena which Must be used for good And evil.
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Its system of Mystik Correspondences' has already given SECRET POWER to
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the Church of the SubGenius - the world's first Industrial church, the
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prophesied End Times cult of screamers and laughers, scoffers, blasphemers
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mockers, sinners, and the last true holymen in America today.
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KEEP THIS BOOK NEAR YOU - in your pocket, your bathroom, your glove
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compartment. Study it. Memorize it. Find within its pages a NEW DIRECTION-
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a NEW WAY - a HIGHER yet LOWER REALITY - just as thousand before you have
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done!
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Copyright 1983 by THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION
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All Rights Reserved. Printed in the United States
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of America. Except as permitted under the copyright
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act of 1976, no part of this publication may be
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reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means
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or stored in a data base or retrieval system, without
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prior written permission of the publisher.
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I
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The Book Of The SubGenius
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'Do What Keepeth Thou from Wilting, Shall be The Loophole iin the Law'
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The Church Of The SubGenius is an order of
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Scoffers and Blasphemers, dedicated to Total Slack,
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delving into Mockery Science, Sadofuturistics, Mega-
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physics, Scatalography, Schizophreniatrics, Morealism,
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Sarcastrophy, Cynisacreligion, Apocolyptionomy,
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ESPectorationalism, HypnoPediatrics, Subliminalism,
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Satyriology, DistoUtopianity, Sardonicology, Fasciest-
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iouism, Ridiculophagy, and Miscellaneous Theology.
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"Researching The Public's Fear Of The Unknown Since 1953!"
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The TriPrimality:
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"Bob" is.
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"Bob" becomes.
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"Bob" is not.
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Nothing is; Nothing becomes;
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Nothing is not.
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Thus: Nothing Is Everything.
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Therefore: Everything is "Bob."
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Abracadabra.
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II
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The Book Of The SubGenius
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This Book Was Begun in 1953 by
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J.R. "BOB" DOBBS
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High Epopt of the Church of the SubGenius
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Revised in 1979 by
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D. Phigo U. Drummond, 01 Dr. X Rev. Ivan Stang, A.0.
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Board Of Directors of The SubGenius Foundation appointed in 1980:
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Puzzling Evidence St. Sterno Keckhaver LIES
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Doug Wellman St. Janor Hypercleats St. Paul Mavrides
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HellSwami John Hagen Drs. for "Bob" Sir Guy Deuel
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Pastor Buck Naked Pope David Meyer III Glassmadness
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Cookie Drummond F.G.O.T.R. J. Erickson someone else
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Additional Sacrifices, 1981, by:
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High Priestess Eileen Keller Capt. Hugh M. Smith
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Dr. Bootmokus Tribunal Overdrive
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Alexander D. Smith Stefan Hammond
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Rev. Larry Sulkis Rev. David Boone
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Shrendi Chisholm Dennis Keller
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Bob Black, St. Byron Werner
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THE LAST INTERNATIONAL R. Wollard
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Dr. Jay Kinney BurnMartyr Dr.Snavely Eklund
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St. Joe Schwind Severn Institute
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Pope St. D. Lee Lama St. Poonflang dammerung
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Kerry Wendell Thornely Pope Mike Danger
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Hector Hilldale Autumn Deuel
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Leslie Gaspar Drelloid
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tENTATIVELY, a cONVENIENCE
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1982 Illiterati:
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Dominatrix Candi strecker, Dr. Gary Hughes, Rev. Brian Curran, Rev. Garth
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Danielson, Bishop Buhle, Bishop Huey, St. Karen Srego, Mechapope Monika
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Vidi, Apostle G. Don Trubey, Fair Use Empire, Pope Michael Flores and The
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People's Temple, Sir Hal Robins, Krononautic Organism, Rev. Bob Lee,
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Nick West, St. Patricia Daley, Stigmatic Ted Early, Mastress Freddie Baer,
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Political Bizarro Luke T. McGuff, Maestro John Crawford, Prof. Mark
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Mothersbaugh, St. Becky Block, Radio Popes Kates, Chusid, Brown, Ginsburg,
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Nelson & Opinion; John Steakley, St. Rick Hoefle, Will (Lord) Small 888
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Final Word Wrangling By:
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Rev. Ivan Stang
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"Bob's" face and "The Church of the SubGenius" Are Trademarks of the
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SubGenius Foundation, Inc
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III
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THE SOURCE: JEHOVAH-1 (a.k.a. WOTAN, YAHWEH, RA, etc)
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THE TEACHER: J.R. "BOB" DOBBS
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THE GOAL: SLACK
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THE OBSTACLE: THE CONSIPIRACY AND ITS DUPES,
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THE NORMALS
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THE WAY: THE CASTING OUT OF FALSE PROPHETS
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THE WEAPON: TIME CONTROL
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SLOGANS:
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"Fuck 'Em If They Can't Take A Joke"
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"Too Much Is Always Better Than Not Enough"
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"Pull The Wool Over Your Own Eyes"
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"You'll PAY To Know What You REALLY Think"
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"Give Me Slack, Or Give Me Food, Or Kill Me"
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"If I Can't Whup It, IPIRACY Go DOWN"
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"Bleeding Head Good, Healed Head Bad"
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"If You Act Like A Dumbshit, They'll Treat You As An Equal"
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"SCIENCE DOES NOT REMOVE THE TERROR OF THE GODS"
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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ATTENTION!!!!
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DO NOT ALLOW TO FALL INTO ENEMY HANDS
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WARNINGS & DISCLAIMERS:
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If you think there's nothing wrong with the world, don't buy this book;
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if you are offended by your own sick rage when viewing literature alien
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to your repressive behavior code, go ahead and Purchase the book, but
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DON'T read it.
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The Church of the SubGenius may drive you Crazy.
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The Roman Catholic Church had driven people crazy, Scientology has driven
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people crazy. So have Satanism, Islam, The Boy Scouts, the government of
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the United States, Judaism, traffic jams, LSD, the C.I.A., Taoism, kids,
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parents, TV, war, and peace. Some people drive themselves crazy.
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This Book will not drive Subgeniuses Crazy. It will supply them with
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the Slack they need to drive others crazy.
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Many idiots will object to this publication. The techniques and secrets
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revealed herein have been passed through the headquarters of many terror-
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ist organizations (including the FBI and CIA) for years. This knowledge
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will also enhance your professional capabilities and aid you in protect-
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ing against THEM, but it is not meant for the young or irresponsible.
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J.R. "BOB" Dobbs is endowed with the full range of ESP abilities.Although
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"Bob's" accuracy has never been questioned by previous "clients." no
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SacraMentalist can claim infallibility. With "Bob," especially, it is
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only a matter of time before he falters in a big way; he is farther from
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so-called "perfection" than most of us could be if we worked at it.
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Therefore, "Bob," his associates, promoters, empolyees, sponsors, agents,
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followers, and writers must disclaim all liability to all person or
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groups who act upon ESP impressions given by word of mouth, print, tele-
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IV
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DISCLAIMER & WARNINGS CONTINUED....
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phone, film, tape, or holograph recording now or in the...the future. The
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Secrets of the Elder Gods are not offered in an attempt to persaude any
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peson of the supernatural powers of rites, rituals, amulets, talismans,
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seals, incantations, or other ideas and devices mentioned herein. No
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magical claims are made and medical problems should be attended by lic-
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ensed physicians.
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IGNORE THIS: FNORD: To practise and preach the same things is utter mad-
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ness. Sometimes communication must be made More Difficult and Irritating
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Than Necessary, in order to conve certain dangerous complexities. The
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knowledge must not fall into the wrong hands.
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"SCIENCE DOES NOT REMOVE THE TERROR OF THE GODS"
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The SubGenius knows that a Godlike alien space monster calling himself
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"Jchingh-1" Is watchig us and making us dance like cheap puppets for His
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own ends. he demand that we worship Him, and so we surely must.
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And if you say that the SubGenius is deceived, that there is no alien
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God of Wrath, then the SubGenius will attack YOU! you are wrong; we are
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right; WOTAN told us so and we believed it. Alright? Now roll over and
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go back to "sleep"...(By "God's Third Leg," you'd think these humans
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didn't know what religion was For!!)
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A note about the word "he" as an alneurpose pronoun: we use it
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because constantly saying "he or she," "s/he," or "it," sounds STUPID.
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However, notice also that while JHVH-1, God, Jesus, and a few others
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are called "He" with a capital H, "Bob" is merely a "he." These spellings
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are in accordnace with the express wishes of the respective deities. "Bob"
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de-deifies himself whenever possible to counterbalance the tendency of his
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followers to go overboard.
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Church is not responsible for the actions of individuals which may
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result from their mere possession of this Book. Any resemblance by char-
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acters in these pages to any person, living or dead, except where intend-
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ed for direct satirical purposes, is strictly "Coincidence." That's
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right, it's all a big joke! Ha ha! "The Conspiracy" - what a laugh! Ha
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ha! 3,000 children starving to death in Mexico City every day, ha ha!
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Radio- active waste canisters rotting in the ocean! Ha ha ha! Mind
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control by horrible secret societies - yuk, yuk, yuk.
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CAUTION - MAY BE HABIT FORMING. Do not drive motor vehicle or
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operate heavy machinery while under the influence of this book.
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V
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PROPHECY CRUSADE
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WE THE SUBGENIUSES OF THE POST-HUMAN RACE, in order to preserve life on
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this planet from immanent destruction, reestablish intelligence, regain
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Slack, cast out the False Prophets, smother forever the fear of fear
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itself, receive the questionable gifts of the Beforelife and of the
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Space Dwellers, become as Overmen, unmask the Conspiracy, grip the reins
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of human evolution, control reproduction and mutation, decipher the Code
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placate the Stark Fist of Removal, achieve Time Control, see That Which
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Must Come to Pass, become as gods, find the Twin with the Scissors of
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Sight, aver the Rupture of the Equilibrium, and secure the financial
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blessings of Jehovah-1 the God of Wrath for ourselves and our descend-
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ents, do hereby admit ourselves as such and thus ordain this Advertise-
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ment of the SubGenius Race of Earth.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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CONTENT
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Ch. 0 TruthStinger Barrage.......................................1
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Ch. 1 Don't Laugh................................................5
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Ch. 2 The Miracle of "Bob's" Tyranny............................16
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Ch. 3 Earth Is Hell.............................................NA
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Ch. 4 The Curse of "Bob"........................................NA
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Ch. 5 The Secrets of Slack......................................NA
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Ch. 6 Creative Truth............................................NA
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Ch. 7 Salvation $1 and the Perils of False Slack................NA
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Ch. 8 Your SubGenius Heritage...................................NA
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Ch. 9 Shut Up or Stand Up - "The Brag"..........................NA
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Ch. 10 We Dare Call It Conspiracy................................NA
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Ch. 11 The UFO Made Me Do It.....................................NA
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Ch. 12 Dateline for Dominance....................................NA
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Ch. 13 The Prescriptures.........................................NA
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Ch. 14 ANSWERS: Money and Jobs...................................NA
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Ch. 15 ANSWERS: Sex - The Divine Battle..........................NA
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Ch. 16 Health, the Industrial Diet, and Bad Things...............NA
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Ch. 17 Starting Your Own Church..................................NA
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Ch. 18 Your Instructions.........................................NA
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Ch. 19 Paths to Frenzy...........................................NA
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Ch. 20 Your Move: A Letter from "Bob"............................NA
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APPENDIX..................................................NA
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VI
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