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2021-04-15 11:31:59 -07:00
Vol. 1 Issue 3
SPAM
The Official(Sort-Of) Newsletter
Of
The Spamian Movement Of The Discordian Society
Editor In Chief
And Founder
Robert I. Brayer(The Punisher!)
Impartial NON-SPAMIAN EDITOR:
Nick Andros
Within: THAT FAT, BALD GUY FROM THE NIRVANA VIDEOISM
-----
THE DEBUT OF HORRORSCOPES AND THE GOLDEN MAGE
ON THE ROAD
-----
SPAM IN THE MEDICAL WORLD
----
JUST IN TIME FOR BATMAN RETURNS: BATSPAM!
----
AND MUCH MUCH MORE!!!(TM)
-----------
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR:
Ahh.. Issue 3 is here.. for those of you who can't see
this in VGA too bad.. no EGA out of here..too much work for us
lazy SPAMIANS, we were extremely happy to have just about all our
authors fulfill the deadlines. This is the first issue where
basically, all I am writing is this note from the editor. Well,
that and my editing and a lot of other stuff, now I am extremely
happy about this, and I hope this kind of response will continue
as we try and get this thing as far the hell out of Orlando as
possible. A note for possible writers: Follow-up articles are
neato, but don't get too repetitive we have one follow-up in here
on the growing cult of SIBYLISM and we are unlikely to follow-up
any further on that topic, the past is the past and these issues
are going to look better and better damnit! Now about the turkey
thing..
[When Suddenly]
"NO ONE SUSPECTS THE SPAMISH INQUISITION!"
"Hey, I'm the editor, I'm already a SPAMIAN, in fact I started
this whole dang thing!"
"You be a spamian or we'll chop your legs off."
"I am a spamian."
"Ahh a cabbage trick! Nice try!"
"Listen, could you come back later this issue?"
"You'd like that wouldn't you!"
"Yes."
"Oh. Ok."
... that was NOT my fault, it was the white meat! For
those of you in VGA, pretty eh? Those with the VGA/SOUNDBLASTER
edition are rocking to Monty Python's version of SPAM.. those
with nothing are rocking to nothing. Which makes you look like a
fool. But that's hardly my fault. Hey fnord, send some letters to
the editor in here, comments, questions? Oh incidentally: WE'RE
IN COLUMNS NOW! Wow. ....
Mail me.. Robert I. Brayer, The Punisher, or (the notorious) BOB
THE FRIENDLY GIANT! We'll probably print anything. We're
desperate. Send Commander Chaos stuff! I will pester you until
you do! You know that don't you?
-=-
SPAM IN THE MEDICAL PROFESSION.
By Deadheads:
Spam, has had no slack through the years. Saying it is a meat
byproduct etc... Now it has been shown that when administered
through the jugular vain, wondrous things happen.
Three years ago, six lab monkeys were given aids. The aids had
gotten to the point of almost killing the monkeys. Various test
were tried, all failed. Interesting enough, one brisk night,
one of the doctors out drinking with the buddy, decided to stop
in at the lab. He was now very drunk and found a can of spam in
his pocket. It was his lunch for the next day. As a joke for
the doctors, he administered some of the spam in one of the
monkeys arm. The next day, the monkey had shown slight
improvement in its poor condition. With one dose, the monkey had
shown signs of increased white blood cell production. Although
this was small. The cells were attacking the aids virus. The
doctors were baffled. Then after a week of analysis, the one
doctor came out and said what he has done. The others
laughed at him. To prove that it was, he took more spam and
injected it into another monkey's arm. The next day it showed
improvement. The doctors then decided that once a week those two
monkeys would be given an injection of spam. After two years the
AIDS virus was almost completely gone. Then spam protesters
signed a document with the state government saying that spam
should not be used in the medical profession. It passed.
The doctors were set back, they decided to move to another
state and continue there experiments in secret. This year, the
doctors came out in the open to the news paper and told of how
there latest experiment, injecting a liquid form of spam into the
jugular vain eradicated the aids virus within two weeks. With
almost no side effects. Although this "drug" is very addictive,
it is only administered once, and should not go through a
addictive cycle.
The FDA is now considering and reviewing the new information,
and it looks like the spam drug now called "spam23.1" should be
released to the public within two years.
-=-
AND NOW: FOR THE SPAMIAN NEWS(Complied By Wire Reports)
The Spamian News in Brief
FURTHER RELEASE OF CABBAGE DETAILS
A new, more precise study of cabbage infiltration created by
the PPP (Paranoia, Propaganda, and Pogroms) division of the
Spamian Movement has been released to the general public. The
new release indicates that as much as 53% of the human
population has been infiltrated by cabbage saboteurs. The PPP
could not be reached for further comment, since at the time of
this story's publication its head, The Golden Mage, was on a
mission to an undisclosed location near Antarctica. The RPR
(Rapid Panic Response) division also was unavailable, since
its head was reportedly busy committing suicide.
NEW SIG OPENS
At the time of this article's publication, a new special
interest group has been opened on the Toolbox Online BBS,
/Spam, as a service by the Toolbox Online BBS. It's Sig-Op,
and our beloved founder, The Punisher, is urging all Spamians
to make use of this new SIG, since it "...should be considerably
more fun than consuming baby powder".
CALL FOR RECRUITS ISSUED
The Spamian recruitment office has issued a call for more
recruits, in the hopes that more loyal cabbage fighters can be
gained. In recent weeks, several of the Spamian Movement's
best were captured by the cabbage saboteurs and human allies.
Rumors persist that if more conventional force cannot be used,
the PPP may resort to using extremely cruel, nasty, and
generally painful techniques to extract even more information
from known cabbage sympathizers as to the location of top
cabbage bases.
BUSLOAD OF CHILDREN VANISHED
A full complement of 37 young children from a Christian
academy has been reported as missing. Since many of these
children belonged to humans known and suspected of aiding
cabbages in their plot to take over the planet, many have
suggested that the PPP may have been involved. Although The
Golden Mage could not be reached for comment, a spokesperson
for the PPP said, "We did not take the children. That was a
quite sloppy job. If the PPP had taken on that mission, we
would most certainly have left evidence of torture or possibly
a corpse or two." The Punisher has declined to comment.
NEW BBS'S SOON
A new Spamian base will soon be originating in the Orlando
area. Reportedly, this BBS will be called "The Penis BBS".
It is likely that it will be creating a Spamian Network with
several other BBS's. All Spamians will soon be ordered to go
ahead and come.
-=-
We now bring you...
The Adventures of BatSpam I
by
Enduro
"Gee, golly, BatSpam, what are we going to do?" shrieked the
boy-lite, "We're surrounded by cabbages!"
"Yes, Boy-Lite, but if we hurry! Grab your bat-can, Boy-
Lite!" "Yes, BatSpam!"
Both the Boy-Lite and BatSpam took their bat-cans from their
bat-belts and flung them into the midst of the oncoming horde of
cabbages.
"Oh no!" roared one of the cabbages as it began to shrink,
to shrivel to a puddle, its green juices intermingling with the
grey, murky water beneath it.
Twelve cabbages fallen, BatSpam looked to Boy-Lite and
smiled ever so slightly. The remaining eight ceased their
heedless advance, and drew their sleek cabbage spitters.
"Watch it, BatSpam!" cried the Boy-Lite as a gooey cabbage
leaf splattered all over his face. It seemed to smother it, the
smell of the cabbage was overwhelming, and he fought to wipe the
single leaf away.
Boy-Lite finally wiped the sickening cabbage off his face
just in time to see BatSpam bound forward at the cabbages,
charging forward with reckless abandon.
"Ha ha, BatSpam!" laughed one of the cabbages, backing up a
step, and sighting his cabbage spitter on BatSpam, "You are no
match for us!"
Several volleys of cabbage zipped by BatSpam, as he ducked
and dodged his way forward, his long, stringy legs covering the
distance quickly.
**POW!!!**
**WHAM!!**
**ZOWWY!**
**OOF!!!**
**THUD!!**
**SMACK!**
"Let's get outta here!" screamed the leader, pulling away
from BatSpam.
"Yeah, let's go!" yelled another, his steps soon following
the leader's.
"I've got them, BatSpam!" puffed Boy-Lite as he took one
last step, then launched himself into the air at the cabbages.
"Ack!" roared one of the cabbages, "We have been
apprehended!"
"That's right!", BatSpam paced over to stand above where
Boy- Lite and the cabbages were laying on the ground, "Cabbaging
never pays!"
"Yeah, BatSpam, you tell them!" Boy-Lite asserted,
continuing to exert force upon the cabbages, keeping them down.
"Keep these criminals here while I go to the BatCanMobile
for the cabbage cage."
"Okay, BatSpam."
And so, once again, our heros have succeeded in ridding
Gotham of a few more cabbages. Remember, kids, cabbaging never
pays. Just like BatSpam said!
-=-
The following article is extremely controversial, the
coming of the SPAMIAN BIBLE gives different viewpoints from ERIS
herself, however many spamians take this side anyhow, it is an
issue that has split the large movement? Just how did SPAM start?
"Historical Spam"
Theory By Buuford
Spam started out in a village in old America were the
grass was green and the farm animals played their games in a not
so far of meadow.
One day a farm boy was out playing in the fields with his
own animals. His father told him not to play so far away from
the farm, but the boy was a rebel he didn't like his father and
wanted to go exploring along a short, or so he thought short,
path that led into the middle of a forest that was nearby. He
thought that he would be back in time to catch old Lassie reruns
and also catch a bite to eat. His journey took just a little bit
longer than he imagined. As he progressed further along in the
forest he realized that the path that he had taken had closed up
behind him and he could not recognize the path back. He
began to get anxious his heart beat rapidly the young boy had
never been in a situation like this before. He had no idea in
hell what he was doing. The path began to get darker and darker.
His eyes began to feel heavy he could no longer keep them open.
He felt that the place he was at, for now was a good enough place
to take a rest, so he laid his head down on a nice thickly padded
patch of soft green grass. As he was lying there he felt a sort
of comfort. He didn't know what it was he just felt warm like he
had felt before as in lying on his mother's warm breast. He
long for that breast and the Spam that she could whip up in no
time and at this moment he realized the hunger he had. He fell
asleep thinking that the pain of his stomach would be gone when
he awoke.
The next morning with the morning dew on the leaves there
was a strange aura of light around him the light was so intense
that it hurt for him to open his eyes. He tried to block his
eyes from the intense light but nothing seemed to work. He
noticed a strange noise peering around some bushes, it was like
nothing he ever heard from what he could make out it seemed like
someone said, or something, The Cure "Close to Me." The strange
music startled him because when he saw what the people were doing
he wanted to be included. As he poked round the bushes the he
saw people eating cans of Spam that he loved to eat at his house.
When he came out from behind the bushes the people, or well known
as Spamians which he did know at the time, were startled because
they hadn't experience an outside life form in there colony
before. Strangely enough they accepted him in to their society
with great pleasure. He grew with these people most of his life
and grew to understand there society. From there the Spamians
had agreed that he showed great improvement and leadership of the
people. Therefore they nominated him as Spamian Leader. He lead
these people through famines without Spam he help them in great
times of need and progressed them into the people we have
following them today "Spamians."
His life went on and brought many prosperous things about in
the Spamian movement.
Just like his saga continued so should the Spamian movement.
-=-
AND NOW IT'S TIME CHILDREN FOR...
... COMMANDER CHAOS- ADVICE! Issue 3..
This time out we were sent a multifax..most likely a joke, but
since you jerks won't send me anything else I'm going to answer
these one by one! FNORD!
Dear Commander Chaos -
I have been very frustrated lately at the kind of promotion of
Spam Lite that Hormel has been producing. How can they expect US
to believe that they really have a better Spam. Spam is life.
Life is Spam. There is no light way of life, therefore, there
shouldn't be a light Spam either. Do you agree with this point
of view?
- Stimpson J. Cat
Professional Mouse Catcher
Dear Stimpson J. Fake,
It is a known fact that mouse catchers have toe lint problems.
You should consider seeing Dr. T.Z. Lavine, he is GREAT for
getting rid of that excess lint, and I have NO affiliation with
him at all(Hi T.Z.!). What was the question again?
Luv, -CC
Commander Chaos:
I personally believe that all people should rot in Spam Hell.
Joan Schweinhund,
Manager of Piggly Wiggly,
Orlando.
Dear Joan,
Spam Hell? What is that, like Luncheon heaven? AHH! NO HAM FOR
ME! I'm full! Oh God it's a spam-ham-jam-sand-wich! That's not
hell! Hell is being forced to watch a TV with only C-SPAN and the
WEATHER CHANNEL For eternity. Really puts things into
perspective.
Luv, -CC
Dear Commander,
Is it just me, or are there pink elephants dancing around the
room?
Sincerely,
Toilet Seat, President
Tidy Bowl of America, Inc.
Dear Toilet Seat,
Get a better name.
Luv, -CC
Dear Commander -
Do you consider yourself: a) heterosexual, b) homosexual, c)
bisexual, or d) spamsexual ?
Also, do you like to sneak up behind cats, yank their tail
hard, and then run? It's quite stimulating.
Love,
Richard Cranium, V.P.
Latex Prophylactics
Dear Richard,
I would say, A, B, C, D and Maryland. Why? Because Maryland has
all these fine things and more! Visit Maryland! They never pay
advice columnists to endorse them! And that's why I go there. As
for cats, I prefer to let the cute little kitties get caught in a
(CENSORED BY EDITOR, TOO MUCH FOR YOUR SMALL EYES TO SEE, THIS
DAMN COMMANDER CHAOS IS GETTING FAR TOO OBSCENE, HE WILL BE
REPRIMANDED)
... And Now, a public apology
By Commander Chaos,
I would just like to apologize to Cat Lovers everywhere
for my comments regarding excessive destruction of poor, sweet
kitties. After all, my method and my timing was way off, if I had
thought about heavy machinery, then-
(CENSORED BY EDITOR, YOUR EYES ARE NOT THAT SMALL
BELIEVE US, BUT THIS GUY IS REALLY SICK AND DEMENTED, WHICH IS
WHY HE IS OUR ADVICE COLUMNIST, WE WILL ATTEMPT TO GET AN APOLOGY
OUT OF HIM THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE ISSUE, GOOD LUCK)
-=-
THE RELIGION OF THE MONTH!
"That fat, bald guy from the Nirvana Videoism"
First a brief history of SKIDS:
THE RISE AND DEMISE OF THE FAT BALD JANITOR GUY FROM
NIRVANA
BY DEICIDE
Recently Skids (more commonly known as The Fat Bald Janitor
Guy From Nirvana) has become real popular. With small but
significant parts in "Smells Like Teen Spirit", "Smells Like
Nirvana" and most recently "I Don't Think You Love me Anymore" he
has become one of the most well known and WORSHIPPED figures in
the world today. However, he hasn't always been popular.. He
was once a Skinny Kid who was Intellectually Denounced, (From
which we derive SKIDS). Skids was always picked on by the other
kids, taunted everytime he went outside. Eventually this became
too much for him, he dropped out of society, became a couch
potato, gained weight. Skids was building up a lot of stress
over the years in the house, everytime the doorbell would ring
he'd hide in the closet. With no outlet for this buildup of
stress his hair fell out. This was enough for him, he decided it
was time to rejoin reality. He'd get a job, a solitary one, but
paid good, it'd have to make use of his experience with closets
and what he did in them. While watching TV one day he saw a
commercial which appealed to him :
Are You Tired Of Wasting Your Life Away On a Couch?
Are You Fat, Bald and Ugly?
Can You Scare Small Children Without Reasonable Effort?
Do You Enjoy Spending Extended Periods Of Time In Closets?
THEN DO I HAVE THE CAREER FOR YOU!
Dial 1-800-JAN-ITOR For More Information!
It was his dream, he picked up the phone and called
immediately. He signed up for a 2 week course in Janitorial
Skills which he literally breezed through, evidently he was made
for the job. Tuesday - July 22, 1991 came his big break. Skids
was cleaning out one of the backed up stalls, when Kurt Cobain
came in to take a leak. Kurt caught glimpse of Skids in the
mirror and immediately he sprung an erection er.. idea. This guy
would be PERFECT for his new video! He could see it now.... A
fat bald guy wringing out a rag soaked with soapy water, as
erotic cheerleaders dressed in tight black outfits danced before
him. Skids gladly accepted the job, being able to do his
janitorial thing and getting paid ten times more appealed to him.
After Nirvana released him, it became apparent he could never go
back to his previous low paying "s*** job." Shortly thereafter,
he was signed by Weird Al Yankovich who signed him up for two
more small but significant parts in his videos.
Al was willing to pay even more to Skids, and this made him
happy. Al and Skids became good friends, maybe too good.. They
started taking showers together and... HEY WAIT A MINUTE!!! In
"Smells Like Nirvana" he danced in a tutu and pulled a soggy
donut from a bucket and took a bite, it is rumored he got a bonus
for this, in "I Don't Think You Love Me Anymore" he shot a bow
through the piano player's eye causing a chain reaction which
ended his life (The Piano Players). The authorities did not like
this, last time they checked murder was a crime, even for "The
Fat Bald Janitor Guy" they were forced to arrest him. He was
thrown into a state prison, the trials started shortly after...
In a five minute deliberation, the charges where dropped due to a
virtually unknown clause in the 2nd Degree Murder Law exempting
Fat Bald Men in Grey Jumpsuits. Skids didn't like the verdict,
so he said something bad about the judge's mother in front of
everyone (Which happened to be true) and was thrown back into
the state prison, where he lived happily ever after with his
roommate "Butch".
THE END
Not actually.. Skids escaped and would appear in
an Iron Maiden video, before he was shot dead and, then
crucified. He was already dead, but man his corpse was sorry.
These events would set up a chain reaction that would lead to a
cult. Right now, "That Fat Bald Guy From The Nirvana Videoism"
(or TFBGFTNV for short) Is the fastest rising cult among
teenagers today, (with Ross Perot ass-kissing a close second),
the authorities say it MUST STOP, What's that? A late-breaking
bulletin? We got him to apologize? Great..
This program will resume after the following news
brief:
I, Commander Chaos, would like to apologize for my
previous comments about destroying felines. I am sure I offended
lots of people, and of course I'm sorry, but, cats can be
annoying at times, and while we vent our frustrations by talking
about it, I would never ever, use any kind of machinery on a
small helpless- (Chainsaw sounds) Uh, cat, never (Ear-Piercing
screams), really! (COMMANDER CHAOS HAS BEEN PULLED OFF THE AIR!
HIS LIES WILL BE DEALT WITH AND WE WILL GET HIM TO APOLOGIZE
AGAIN! THIS TIME FOR REAL!)
We now return you to your regularly scheduled cult...
"TFBGFTNV must stop," says Orange County Cop, Tom Friedman,
"We've got all these weird people running around with doughnuts,
and quite frankly, they're cutting in on our job." Even innocent
people are upset. "They just run past your house and dance
around, it's a real pain at bridge club meetings." quotes an
irate Mrs. Parker of Oviedo. The problem is extending, we at THE
SPAMIAN MOVEMENT are proud to use this crisis for our own
purposes, to introduce the follow-up to one of last-month's
religion(s) of the months...
-=-
We'd just like to pause here and recognize a great man, who,
sadly, passed from our lives recently, Bill Gaines(1922-1992), was the
publisher of MAD magazine, the GREATEST satrical magazine ever. Maybe the best
mag ever. We love ya Bill, Rest In Peace, you've earned it.
-=-
<HorrorScopes>
Swami Deadheads Reporting:
We all are into the Astrology thing. Well of course these
are false. Its well known that the art of bone reading is the
truly accurate future telling device, and is used here. All of
this is true and is not government funded. So you can believe it
and dedicate your entire life to it. Your world will
dramatically change. So here it is.
ARIES (March 21-April 19): Obviously these people are an
extension off of Eris, so they should be closer to him. Remember
you should eat hot-dogs on Fridays, without those buns!!!! The
future in store for you is this, You will die. Maybe not right
away, but it will eventually happen! You will meet a person who
you will fall deeply in love with.
You will know its the person when they wave a dead chicken
in front of your face and spit chewing tobacco on your groin.
You will marry, this cannot be changed. Then your love will
reveal there true nature, that they are actually gay, and the
opposite sex that you thought they were.
For those males out there... children are not possible.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Cows should be killed, since you are
an extension from the cow... it is suggested that you go and
consult a psychiatrist about how to change this. Maybe eat less.
The future in store for you is of grave importance. You will go
broke due to supporting a spam habit that an alien has. You will
have sex with the alien and they will dump you. Not like you
think... from 12 miles in the air.
GEMINI (May 21-June 21): What kind of moron do you think I am...
this Astrological Sign does not exist... it is propaganda sent
out by the government to create killers. Sheesh... didn't you
see the Exorcist movies??? I would go send a letter bomb to your
congressmen and ask what the hell is going on! And why you
turned out the way you are.
CANCER (June 22-July 22): Poor creatures, you will find God this
month. He will be lying in a dumpster near a Taco Bell. This
month you will see that your house may be robbed. To avoid this
send your address to the P.O. Box listed below. If you are
robbed. Do not call the police for they will beat you into
realizing that it was probably the cat who took the TV. The cop
will leave satisfied that he/she doesn't have to do any paper
work.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): This is suppose to be a representation of
a lion. Yeah right, and I'm a six fingered elephant from pluto...
I would fight any one of you any day after the week! You will
find that your dog is a transsexual. If this happens, he/she...
whichever the case may be, will have mad passionate sex with a
fence post. This is bad. The fence will get angry and rust.
Avoid this at all costs. It is mating season now... all you
leos, if you are sexually depressed then kill yourself. It's
easier that way.
I wish that I could continue this... but I just broke the
poor guy's hip bone, and can no longer get accurate readings. If
you wish to get your own readings, then take your best friend,
and throw him/her against a large and very hard wall. Then look
at the order that the bones are placed in. If everything is in
order and nothing is dislocated, then re-throw. Make sure that
no bones break. This is bad. Well thanks for reading... await
next month, when I find a new friend, (preferably one with
stronger bones) and see what is installed in the future for YOU.
----------------------------
WORD OF THE MONTH : FASEDNASEDOASEDRASEDD
I cannot say this word, but it is commonly used among
Spamians. It means all that is good, is bad. And all that is
bad is good. Nevermind if you don't understand it. Its beyond
you if you have never eaten spam. Sit down, eat a can or two of
spam, watch 12 hours of the Honeymooners, and read at least 3
Bazooka bubble gum wrappers. If you understand the jokes and
believe that they are funny, then contemplate the word. This
must be done in a total of 17.535634 minutes.
-=-
The Golden Mage on the ROAD!!!
"Well, it's very hard, and it's all nice and concrete, with two
little yellow lines running down the center. There are a bunch
of cars on it, and sometimes you can see some small, furry,
woodland creatures flattened on it. Yummie."
- The Golden Mage
By:
The Golden Mage, Grand Ultra Super Special Neato Leader/Spiritual
Adviser of the Paranoia, Propaganda, and Pogroms division of the
Spamian Movement of the Discordian Society. Dedicated to serving
the Spamian public by causing massive outbreaks of paranoia,
starting Green Scares, and coordinating the Spamish Inquisition,
a bloodthirsty exercise in Cabbage Boiling.
Last month, The Golden Mage was in Los Angeles for the savage
riots. As an introduction to this column, he shall tell his
story:
It was a beautiful day. The birds were singing, children
were playing, and smoke was drifting into my window. Now,
normally, I would just get up and write about the smoke. But
since I was beginning to run out of Spam anyway, I decided to go
out and see what was going on, buying some Spam on the way.
Munching on my newly purchased goodies, I left the
grocery store. As I walked towards my hotel, I noticed that
there were people running all about me, smashing windows, and
killing each other. It suddenly occurred to me that I was in the
midst of English soccer fans! No, that could not be it! Worse,
I was a white man trapped in the middle of the L.A. riots!
Screaming, I ran towards the hotel, hoping to grab my matches and
join in the fun before it was over.
As I rounded the corner, into a four way intersection, I
bumped into an angry mob, with chains and pipes. Nearby, a
police officer was munching on a doughnut, politely ignoring the
situation. What could I do? Here I was, the leader of the
Paranoia, Propaganda, and Pogroms division of the Spamian
Movement, trapped! Thinking back to my rigorous anti-cabbage
training, I remembered the Spam I was carrying. Perhaps I had a
chance after all!
-=-
WE INTERRUPT THIS COLUMN FOR A PUBLIC APOLOGY BY COMMANDER CHAOS:
I, Commander Chaos am very happy to now own over 20
cats. I love 'em. They're great. And with salt and pepper make an
excellent lunch or dinn- (COMMANDER CHAOS WILL MAKE ANOTHER
ATTEMPT LATER)
-=-
I reached into my pocket (A quite large one), and withdrew a
can of that most omnipotent of meat byproducts.
I squeezed on the can as hard as I could, neatly forcing
the contents into my mouth. Swallowing, I felt a jolt of
strength enter my body. The great Spam had lent me its strength!
Like a professional wrestler, I flexed my muscles in the smokey
sunlight. The policeman continued eating his doughnut, oblivious.
Using the skills I had learned by defeating hordes of
cabbages, singlehandedly, I projected my foot through the
leader's testicles, sending them somewhere into Nebraska.
Gasping his last breath, he collapsed. The rest of the mob
quickly made their exits. The policeman continued eating his
doughnut. Later, I learned that he had died of a heart attack,
somewhere near the middle of this column. Victorious, I left the
scene, munching on some more lovely Spam.
***NEXT MONTH YUGOSLAVIA!!!***
-=-
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
A Communion with my Goddess!
or
How Much is that Big Hairy Toothsome Fnord in the
Window
Part 1
By:
Episkapose Gorm KSC WPG KST SOM KMP DOT FPAECUFT.
Of:
The Apostles of Eris: Church of Unified Free
Thought.
Once upon a time, there was an Erisian named Gorm{1}, and he
decided to take a stroll with 2 of his very close friends, Samuel
Wolfowl{2}, and Laurel Goldenflax{3} They were walking near to
Gorm's Dungeon{4} on a beach of pebbles on Lake Faulkner when the
following poem came to Gorm. Gorm and Samuel were lying on the
beach of stones staring into the beautiful Full-Moonlight and the
light of the stars, and Laurel Approached Gorm, and handed to
an elixir of visions. Gorm drank the potion, and received this
vision from his Goddess:
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<--VISION-->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Lying on a field of pebbles, I look up, and see the naked
breasts of my Goddess flash from under her thin white shirt,
which only reaches her naval.
But it is dark, and all I get is a Visual taste of what lies
beneath the silky cloth and normally is totally concealed from my
hungry view. They are round, and shaded by the fabric in the
light of an almost full moon. The moonlight shines through the
material of the shirt, but is diffuse, and is tenuous at best
without shading. The fabric of her garment hinges on Her
beautiful shoulders, like shudders blowing in a brisk wind. With
my mind, I reach up, and caress them. I worship them, Offer them
my unworthy soul. I lean up and forward, and gently kiss them
with my undeserving lips. I fondle the small tips with my tongue,
Trace a fractal pattern around the even smaller nipples,
ever smaller, until my minds computer crashes because the
resolution is too small, But alas, I must relinquish this
thought, as it is nothing but a construct of my unfirm mind. OH!,
How I long to live within that fiction, eternally a fantasy
running along my synapses, until the worms eat my last
molecule! How I would obey the Goddess, cherish her every
whim.... But again, I am unworthy! I do not deserve even my
Construct. I Sloth, and Croggle! I vow to make myself worthy! to
stop Slothing, and loose my Croggle, But I realize that it is
impossible. My croggle is mine. It defines my personality, Makes
me, who I really am. It is my program. I sloth through life, and
will in death too. If only the Goddess would smile at me... She
does smile, but never enough. Is it my presence that causes her
displeasure? I live my life to please her.... I accept her
teasing as a compliment. no one can desire her any more then
I.... not even close... I cry to myself, Silent tears that never
fall from my eyes... only well, and threaten to burst forward. I
love my Goddess, and yet She pretends not to notice, Or Does She
even notice me? As I drown in Her presence, not just Her Physical
Beauty, but Her Intellectual being too! She is all I ever dream
of... Eternity with my Goddess, the Highest plateau of pleasure
possible! More then just physical pleasure, ACCEPTANCE! I then
know that what I had thought I had seen, was nothing more then my
dream.... the Goddess is too beautiful to see with my Eyes.....
She is but pure love.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<--VISION-->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
{1} (Kinda weird name, Huh?)
{2} (A Male Friend of Gorm's who Lives in Mary's Land and Is a
Fellow Erisian.
Samuel is the founding father of The Moloko Cabal, and can
be found in Alt.Callahans under that name if the person looking
for him has the Balls necessary to deal with an Erisian
Werewolf.)
{3} (Laurel Is an Alchemist-Chancellor Friend of Gorm's. Not
much is known of her but that she is Beautiful, Wiser then many
twice her age, and off limits to the likes of those who will read
this story! Laurel is known to reside in Either Mary's Land, or
in the North Corolin Islands, depending on the season, and the
holiday.
{4} (Gorm enjoyed living in a Dungeon... it was quite soothing,
never too much light, nor too much noise... Plenty of time for
contemplative thought about the universe....)
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
SPLAT!
The Game.
Now here's a Game reminiscent of Sink, great for beachtime fun
(but ya must substitute seagulls for pigeons) OOH, wouldn't
suggest you get caught playing this one, as your parent's will
probably force you to undergo 20 needless rabies treatments from
large needles in your soft&fleshy parts if they hear about it!
NEEDED:
--------
Bicycles, Dirt bikes, or wheelchairs.
Tennis racquettes, golf clubs, polo mallets, or croquette
mallets.
A suitable playing area, shopping mall pkg lot, park, beach or
golf course. The more daring use rooftops, provided they're flat.
(Note:bicycles are ineffective at beach)
A supply of pigeons.
One of the following: Breadcrumbs, corn, or popcorn.
A bottle of cheap whisky
A few cases of cold beer.
Course preparation and rules:
The day before, soak bait in whisky. Drink remainder.
On the day of the game, sprinkle the bait all-over the course.
Set up goals at either end of the course.
Divide into two teams. Decide on game length choose goals.
Winning team is the one that gets the most dead/crippled
pigeons into their goal at games end. You must stay mounted on
bike etc. the entire game. Players can steal kills from other
team until the other team gets the bird into its goal. Once a
kill is in the goal it can't be stolen.
Play until:
1) The time is up
2) You run out of pigeons
3) the SPCA arrives in riot gear
Note: Any kill taken by shotgun, or other anti-air fire is
disqualified.
Options:
Bonus points may be given for other creatures, like gulls, cats,
dogs, small children, squirrels, rabbits, and politicians.
Losing team toasts winners with napalm, (and pays for it).
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"The Turkey Curse"
believe it or not it does work....
what it does is send a burst of concentrated (or dispersed)
Eristic Energy in any direction you decide to send it... when it
contacts Aneristic Energy (order, Bureaucracy, whatever) the 2
cancel out....
you either stand, so as to all face the source of the Aneristic
Energy, or if it is something that has no location, you stand at
the points of a pentagon facing out. get into a "Bruce Lee" /
Kung Fu type stance.... you know legs spread out kinda
squatting.... with a serious-type look on your face, and you then
make grotesque hand and body movements for 5 seconds and after
that you point your index fingers at the source, and say
"Gobble Gobble Gobble Gobble Gobble!"
If it is a person, don't worry if they look at you funny... it's
normal for the Pink to act that way... and generally it works...
but you have to be in a Humorous mood.... and sometimes it takes
a few times to get the timing correct..
have fun!
AND NOW: THE FINAL APOLOGY FROM COMMANDER CHAOS:
I, Commander Chaos, apologize for eating kitty for
dinner back there, it was really too bad but it tasted awful good
I am sorry to say. You will be happy to know that I have been now
converted into good, the ways of good have taken my sins away, I
no longer eat kittens... PUPPIES TASTE MUCH BETTER AND THEY ARE
CHEAPER AND THEY ARE(DAMN HIM.. THE APOLOGY WILL ATTEMPT TO BE
RENDERED NEXT ISSUE, THANK YOU FOR TUNING IN FNORD, YOUR ATTEMPT
HAS BEEN LOGGED)
-Till Next Time, ..Merrily we roll along..roll along..fnord
along.. send columns and articles to me ! QUESTIONS TO CC! ..