430 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
430 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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[SUBG_03.TXT]
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SUBGENIUS SOURCES #3
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Third of an occasional series
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THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW AND YOU MAY DIE!
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[In the troubled early years of the last decade, a voice for
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truth, justice, and the SubGenius way shone forth in the
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darkness of cultural idiocy...the voice of J. R. "Bob" Dobbs.
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Some scoffed and said "Bob" wasn't real, that he was just the
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twisted creation of some asocial, maladjusted jesters from
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Texas, but those of us who heard his voice, REALLY heard his
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voice, I mean heard his voice like an icepick in the pineal
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gland, knew better than to listen to "normal folk."
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Round about 1980 (a significant year...count the number of
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letters in "Ronald", "Wilson", and "Reagan") a curious pamphlet
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entitled "The World Ends Tomorrow And You May Die!" began to
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appear in various alternative publications and at selected
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laundromats. Since then, America has blown its economy all to
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hell, gotten itself into several wars and "police actions",
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chipped away at what little remains of its individual liberties,
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jumped feet-first into an era of rampant greed and social
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apathy, and endured the onslaught of the seven-headed beast
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called "New Kids On The Block." Coincidence? You be the judge.
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The following is the more or less complete text of "The World
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Ends Tomorrow And You May Die!" Since the original relies
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heavily on its clip-art-laden graphic style for whatever
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continuity it possesses, don't be surprised if things seem jumpy
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and discontinuous at first...it's the magic fingers of
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"BullDada" worming their way into your socially-conditioned
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self. Relax and enjoy...mind rape was never this fun.]
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[SubGenius Sources is a series of textfiles intended for those
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who wish to learn, or expand their knowledge of, the Church of
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the SubGenius. Praise "Bob!"]
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REPENT! QUIT YOUR JOB! S L A C K O F F !!!
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THE WORLD ENDS TOMORROW AND YOU MAY DIE!
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Well, no, probably not, but now we have snared your eyes and you
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must not throw this baroquely cheesy pamphlet away before you
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ask yourself what may be the most important questions of your
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life.
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ARE WE CONTROLLED BY SECRET FORCES?
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ARE ALIEN SPACE MONSTERS BRINGING A STARTLING NEW WORLD?
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DO PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE STRANGE? DO YOU?
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...then you may be on the right track!
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"Unpredictables" are not alone and may possess amazing hidden
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powers of their own!
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ARE YOU ABNORMAL? THEN YOU ARE PROBABLY B E T T E R THAN MOST
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PEOPLE! YES! YOUR KIND SHALL TRIUMPH!
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If you are what they call "different" --
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If you think we're entering a new Dark Ages --
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If you see the Universe as one vast morbid sense of humor --
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If you are looking for an _inherently bogus_ religion that will
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condone superior degeneracy and tell you that you are "above"
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everyone else --
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If you can help us with a donation --
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Then THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS COULD SAVE YOUR SANITY!
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("You'd PAY to know what you REALLY think." -- Dobbs, 1961)
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FEELING LIKE THERE'S JUST NO SLACK?
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You may have 'snapped' already from the information disease!
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("The sleep of Reason begets monsters.")
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The Church of the SubGenius recognizes the programming!
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Look to the High Unpredictables of the SubGenius FisTemple Lodge
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of the Wrath of Jehovah for pancultural deprogramming and
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resynchronization!
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Perfect your subliminimal vision -- edit your memory -- relive
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your reincarnality! SYNCH UP!
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A SPAZZ-CHURCH OF MACHO IRONY!!!
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This is the original Time Control program that has helped
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thousands to fear no longer the STARK FIST of REMOVAL.
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Become physically attractive -- overnight!
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Now you, too, can speak to benevolent aliens at the Alter of
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X-ist Contact. Learn Frame Straightening, Body Repair, Gripe
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Elaboration, Excremeditation, the Essentials of Survival, Frenzy
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Techniques, FunkQu, and TIME CONTROL. Attend End o' the World
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Drills and Chance Labs. Learn to 'Tenlike, evaluate the
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so-called "accidents" and "coincidences" in your timestream.
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Perform long, complicated rites of initiation and rituals of
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Communionication. Accultate yourself to the Church, where you
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will be isolated, given a new diet, a new set of habits, and an
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altered label and appearance. The new void in your brain-pan
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will be filled with corrected info and subconsciously implanted
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ritual experiences. Follow your FOLLIES and COMPULSIONS and
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become rich like us.
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Explore the "Zen" of stupidity! Channel chronic procrastination
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into life-saving paranoia and precise anality! MAKE WASTE!
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Find out who your personal saviors may be and who are the false
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prophets in your life!
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YES, YOU MAY BE THE SUBGENIUS, MASTER OF THE STOOGELY ARTS!
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Perform The Salute! The most 'NO WAY' new age religion of them
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all!! Brain-Trust of our species!!
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Using SubGenius secrets of BULLDADA and MOREALISM you can now
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MIRACULOUSLY ELIMINATE COMPULSIVE URGES such as smoking,
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lethargizing, overeating, insomnia, the inability to take drugs,
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constipation, old age, sex and money problems, baldness,
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illness, the Work Instinct, assouliness, and painful shortage of
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SLACK!
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This is a certified religion of scorn and vengeance directed at
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all of THEM, the enemies of us Outsiders. It is "self-help"
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through scoffing and blaspheming, frenzied fornication, and the
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Tumping of Graven Images. The Church provides answers and
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miracles in the service of SUREAVOLUTION.
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("Ignore the Man behind the curtain" -- Oz)
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The Church of the SubGenius is the ultimate secret order, the
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superior brain cult for those who "know better" but who demand
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in their LUST for GRINS a spectacular, special-effects-laden
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belief system -- a 'stuporstition.'
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The Goal: SLACK
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The Method: The Casting Out of False Prophets
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The Weapon: Time Control
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The Motto: "Fuck Them If They Can't Take A Joke."
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This religion, devised by precise mathematical formulae, weirder
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than the most obscure UFO/Atlantis cults, is invaluable to all
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superior renegades who, at any time, are justifiably on the edge
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of insanity and can be made whole only by developing a seventh
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sense of BLUDGEON HUMOR.
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************************************************************
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THE SUBGENIUS FOUNDATION HEALS RUINED MEMBERS OF A CRUMBLING
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*************************SOCIETY!***************************
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Here what just a few have to say....
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"An inspiration. A paean to the marvels of the universe. A
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blessing from...God? The perfect excuse for white-collar crime."
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"I am in high school, and I guess you'd call me a 'brain.' A lot
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of the lumpen proletariat (kickers, jocks, freaks) give 'worms'
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like myself a difficult time. The fact that I'm overweight and
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have skin problems doesn't help, as you can imagine. But your
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philosophy, "Fuck them if they can't take a joke" is just what
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I've needed. I use the secret SubGenius Subliminimal "Jest"
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commands in my daily conversation, too, and I've lately noticed
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that many of the physical toughs who harass me are showing new
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respect -- even though they can't seem to figure out why! I
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think you've helped me instill some superstitious fear of higher
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intelligence into their dense crania!"
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"When I was told at the lecture that I would receive my most
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urgent desires just by chanting your Mantria, I was frankly
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dubious. I thought your Church was just for laughs. I never
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realized how serious my problems really were. However, now I
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can't understand why my friends scoff at my close personal
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relationship with "Bob" even though I have yet to meet him. He
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is a big force in all my decisions."
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"I too lack slack and so do most of my friends. An enlightened
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friend of mine told me about the SubGenius Foundation and what
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it did for him. Before you helped him, he was begging nickels
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and dimes on the street and sleeping in gutters. Now he is Hugh
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Hefner's right hand man. I understand that you will help me like
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you helped him if I will donate a dollar per pamphlet to your
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Foundation."
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"At night my husband reads sections of your Lessons to the
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children just before bedtime. The kids love it. Tommy isn't
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hyperactive anymore, at least it doesn't seem like it."
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"Since my wife died I have thought I was going crazy, or senile.
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Your material helps me deal with this and exploit my
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intermittent loss of mind. I'm 89 and I agree, let's have more
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SLACK! (The profanity I could do without, but I understand, you
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have to reach the young people too.)"
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"You make it seem like a joke, but it really isn't, is it? I
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feel I can read your mind while I'm reading it, it makes more
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sense between the lines than most of the books do right on the
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lines that are serious. Whew."
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*****************************************************************
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***************************************************************
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WHAT THE H E L L DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING????
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****************************************************************
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****************************************************************
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It should be painfully obvious by now that the world as we know
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it won't last too damn much longer. And what are you doing about
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it? Going to work or school, coming home, goofing around. What
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will happen to your routine when all the shit comes down on us
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at once? Don't you feel responsible for trying to help this
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endangered planet?
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No? Good. The fact is, it's too late. There isn't a god-damned
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thing you as an individual can do about eco-disaster, nuclear
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death, overpopulation, and so on. Things are going to Hell on a
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fast train and about the only thing you, or anyone else besides
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the Rockefellers, can do about it is to just sit back and watch
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the show,
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But remember -- the End of the World may be much worse and take
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much longer than you thought. The mere act of sitting in your
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home and watching everything fall apart on TV may be too much
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for even the stoutest brains to take. In fact, the more alert
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and intelligent you are, the quicker you'll likely be driven to
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suicide by the sheer hideousness of what you'll be seeing. WILL
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YOU BE READY?
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WILL YOU STILL BE SANE ENOUGH TO LAUGH WHEN THAT WHICH MUST COME
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TO PASS, COMES TO PASS? WILL YOU E V E R GET S L A C K ??
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Study our SubGenius "literature" closely. Keep it by your toilet
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and memorize it. If you aren't as dense as most people, you'll
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be quick to realize that, cheesy scam though it might well be,
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the Church of the SubGenius is just about the only organization
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around that can help you face the god-awful facts without some
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sort of ingratiating, sweetness-and-light, goody-two-shoes,
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Pollyanna, life-is-a-bowl-of-cherries bullshit. Not only that,
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but the Church of the SubGenius is beyond the shadow of a doubt
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THE ONLY TRUE RELIGION. We perform miracles, answer any
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question, invoke demons, and have a direct etheric hotline to
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space god Jehovah 1 through our infra-psychic trance-babbling
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Personal Savior, J.R. "Bob" Dobbs -- who is actually a pretty
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regular guy, just very rich and possessed by forces greater than
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Man.
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The SubGenius material has only recently been made public. This
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is your chance to get in on the ground floor of a huge,
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lucrative cult -- NOW, while rates are low, so that you will not
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only receive the immediate benefits listed on our Application
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Coupon, but will also be eligible for all the $$$, weird sex,
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drugs, and sheer power over others that go with high-ranking
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membership in what will probably sweep this unkempt planet in an
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unstoppable wave of cynical, dangerous power plays, insanely
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morbid truths and panhandling, zombie-like teenage "followers."
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For the sake of what little you still hold dear, we urge you to
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submit this application so that we may determine if you are
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worthy to receive the closest thing to salvation you'll ever get
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a whiff of.
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(If you are rich, your money can buy you your own personal
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Church and Congregation. Write for details.)
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[Those who are feeling adventurous may try writing the Church of
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the SubGenius @ PO Box 140306, Dallas, TX 75214 USA.
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My best advice is not to send any money you're not willing to
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give away until you find out if the address is still valid, and
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if the "operation" is still around. Hope you enjoyed this
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classic piece of Rant Lit. Praise "Bob!"
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Pnin July 1992]
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