470 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
470 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
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SONGS NOT SUITABLE FOR ANYBODY (SONGS-X5.TXT)
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(note: most of these are Anonymous for obvious reasons!)
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*
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THE JIMMY SWAGGERT SONG
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(Tune: "Dick Darby The Cobbler")
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(Recorded: "Celtic Pride: In Strange Form")
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Oh, me name is Jimmy Swaggert, I'm a preacher,
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I used to save souls on TV
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But they caught me carousing with floozies
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And they've taken my program from me!
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(CHORUS): With me ing twing of an ing thing of an eye do
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W'i me ing twing of an ing thing of an eye day,
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W'i me roo-boo-boo roo-boo-boo randy,
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And me bankroll gets bigger each day!
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Well, when I was a lad, ma would scold me
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Sayin' "James, keep your hands off your crotch!"
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Well to do so was "dirty" she told me,
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But she never said I couldn't watch!
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Well, they labeled Jim Bakker a pervert,
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And they called me a lecher, it's true;
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Even though I never did nothin'
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I just asked for a room with a view....
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Well, my sorrows they soon will be over,
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And I'll soon be a rich man again,
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For I've just sold my story to Playboy,
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And the movie rights to MGM!
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*
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OUR BABY DIED LAST NIGHT
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Our Baby died last night
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It lived for 48 hours
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And it cost a hundred dollars
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It was a lousy baby, anyway.
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His head it turned to mush;
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It skwushed between my fingers;
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The memory still lingers;
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It was a lousy baby, anyway.
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Although he tried to bite us
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He died for just to spite us
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Of spinal meningitus
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It was a lousy baby, anyway...
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(spoken:) So we ate it.....cold.
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*
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2
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*
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FIGHT FOR LIBERATION
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(Tune: "Tramp, Tramp, Tramp")
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In a dungeon cell I sit, covered o'er with Royal Shit,
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While our money turns the Kingdoms' filthy mill
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And the Directors as they pass, jam Corpora up our ass
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Well. I guess we've had our Goddam fuckin' fill!
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CHORUS: Fight, fight, fight for Liberation!
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Break, break, break the Social Scheme!
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Oh, we'll drag the bastards down,
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And we'll grind them in the ground,
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And replace 'em with a Working Class Regime!
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Oh we'll send a firing squad after Royalty's Tin God
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And the Heralds they will be the next in line
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Then we'll pump some LSD into Their Senilities
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And we'll make 'em fuck the peasants overtime!
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Oh, we'll take a fuckin' rope, and we'll hang the fuckin' Pope
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And we'll burn the Sistine Chapel to the ground!
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Then we'll turn our tommy-guns on the screaming ravished nuns
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And the People's Voice will be the only sound!
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So if you hate the Working Class, but you'd like to save your ass
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Then you better give your money to the poor!
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Or we'll sell your mother's twat to a sailor on your yacht
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And we'll turn your favourite daughter to a hoor!
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*
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VATICAN CASKETS
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(Tune: "Rock Of Ages")
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Vatican caskets are just fine
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Made of sandal-wood and pine
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When your loved ones have to go,
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Die with "cum Spiritu tuo!"
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When your loved one's pass away
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Have them pass the Vatican Way!
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Sistine Chapel, Saint Peter's, too
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Holy water just for you!
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Vatican caskets, unlike a rose,
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They will never decompose.
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For they stand the test of time;
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No need to kill the flies with lime!
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Get down on your knees and pray
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When your loved ones pass away!
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Vatican customers all sing:
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Death, O Death, where is thy sting?
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*
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3
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*
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AGAINST ALL FLAGS
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(Tune: "Girl I Left Behind Me")
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Oh, the SCA is the kind of play
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That spodes all get their kicks on
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And Pennsic War is the kind of bore
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That the peoples can get sicks on!
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And I'd like to sod the Goddam BoD
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With a dildo made of brass on,
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And the (insert name) Flag is the kind of rag
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That a Mongol wipes his ass on!
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Oh the Chivalry are very "twee,"
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And the Laurels don't do nothin'.
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And the Pelican fags are all on the rag;
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In an uproar about somethin'.
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For the King and Queen are seldom seen,
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With their Goddam cute brass hats on,
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And the (insert name) Flag is the kind of a rag
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That a Mongol wipes his ass on!
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Oh the Great Dark Horde doesn't have a sword
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That's worth a wooden firkin
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And the Moritu don't know what to do
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But sit and jerk their gherkin!
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And the Tuchux upchuck woodchuck guts
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At the Royal's brass-ass hats on,
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And the Mongol flag is the kind of a rag
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That the Kingdom wipes it's ass on!
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*
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RAMBLIN' HUNCHBACK, or:
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THE BALLAD OF RICHARD III
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(Tune: "Rye Whiskey")
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I am a ramblin' hunchback, I ramble around
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I ramble thru your cities, I ramble thru your towns.
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I went into a tavern to get me some lunch
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Where all the macho stick-jocks made fun of my hunch
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Well I said sticks and stones may injure my bones,
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But names will never hurt me, so leave me alone!
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I was scratchin' my back, and when I looked up,
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A blonde, hare-lipped waitress poured coffee in my cup!
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It was love at first sight, as my brew I did sip,
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She patted my hump, as I caressed her lip!
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Lord, I left with that waitress, because, as you see,
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The womens all love my deformity!
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(Repeat first verse)
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*
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4
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*
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THE POPE
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There's a man who lives over the ocean
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And who has got a great notion
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That he is the World's Greatest Hope
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He's Giovanni Montini, the Pope
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CHORUS: Giovanni Batista Montini
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He lives in the Vatican-nini
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He's Italian; he doesn't use soap
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He's Giovanni Montini, the Pope!
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When Atheists try to distract him
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He doesn't let it upset him,
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He just makes the High Sign on his chest,
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Lets his Boss Man take care of the rest!
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No cherub could ever sub-pee-ni
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Giovanni Batista Montini
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For how can you possibly quibble
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With a man who is infalli-bibble?
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CHORUS: Giovanni Batista Montini
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He lives in the Vatican-nini
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And he don't even have to smoke dope
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'Cause he's Giovanni Montini
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You know who I mean-i
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The one with the beanie!
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Giovanni Montini, the Pope!
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*
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WAKE UP LITTLE FLOOZIE
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(Tune: "Wake up, Litttle Suzie!")
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Wake up, little floozie, wake up!
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Wake up, little floozie, wake up!
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The Tourney wasn't so hot
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And you got drunker than snot!
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And now, it's over, I've won the Crown,
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And BOY! are we in a spot!
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Wake up, little floozie!
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Wake up, little floozie!
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Well, I told the Duke I wouldn't rhino-hide
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Well, floozie, baby, it looks like that I lied!
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Wake up little floozie (etc.)
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What're we gonna tell the Countess?
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What're we gonna tell the BoD?
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What're we gonna tell the Duke when he goes
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Oh, My Ghod!
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Wake up little floozie (etc.)
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We gotta go reign!
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*
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5
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*
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B-I-M-B-O
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-Anonymous (because nobody will
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take the blame for it)
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1) There was a girl that went to Crown
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And Bimbo was her name-o
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B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O, B-I-M-B-O,
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And Bimbo was her name-o!
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2) There was a girl that went to Crown,
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She had large tracts of land-o
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(Gesture for big tits)-I-M-B-O etc.
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And Bimbo was her name-o
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3) There was a girl that went to Crown
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Her talents they were many-o
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(gesture for a nice body)
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(Gesture for big tits)-M-B-O etc.
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And Bimbo was her name-o
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4) There was a girl that went to Crown
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And she made very merry-o
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(throw arms in air and yell "whee!")
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(gesture for a nice body)
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(Gesture for big tits)-B-O etc.
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And Bimbo was her name-o
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5) There was a girl that went to Crown
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And she was made the Queen-o
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(put Crown on head)
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(throw arms in air and yell "whee!")
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(gesture for a nice body)
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(Gesture for big tits)-O etc.
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And Bimbo was her name-o
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6) There was a girl that went to Crown
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And she got very pissy-o
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(point to various members of audience, and say:
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"You're banished, and you're banished, and....")
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(put Crown on head)
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(throw arms in air and yell "whee!")
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(gesture for a nice body)
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(Gesture for big tits)
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And Bimbo was her name-o
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*
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6
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*
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THE KINGDOM THAT SWALLOWED A LIE
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-Ardjukk Afraid-of-His-Cats
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There once was a Kingdom that swallowed a LIE
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I don't know why they swallowed a LIE......
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Perhaps they'll die!
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There once was a Kingdom that swallowed a RULE
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"The King's Word is Law" (We learn it in school!)
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They swallowed the RULE to hold up the LIE
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I don't know why they swallowed the LIE
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Perhaps they'll die!
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There once was a Kingdom that swallowed some BULL
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"The knights run the Kingdom, they have all the pull!"
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They swallowed the BULL to back up the RULE
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"The King's Word is Law!" (We learn it in school..)
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They swallowed the RULE to hold up the LIE
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And I don't know why they swallowed the LIE
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Perhaps they'll die!
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There once was a Kingdom got screwed by the CROWN
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Bent over, and down, they got screwed by the CROWN
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They got screwed by the CROWN 'cause they swallowed the BULL
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(etc as above)
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I don't know why they swallowed the LIE......
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Perhaps they'll die!
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There once was a Kingdom that wrote to the BOARD
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They wrote to the BOARD in great disaccord
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They wrote to the BOARD they'd been screwed by the CROWN
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Bent over and down, they were screwed by the CROWN
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(etc as above)
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And I don't know why they swallowed the LIE......
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Perhaps they'll die!
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There once was a Kingdom that took up the SWORD
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'Cause they didn't get s*** when they wrote to the BOARD
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They took up the SWORD when they wrote to the BOARD
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They wrote to the BOARD in great disaccord
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(etc as above)
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I don't know why they swallowed the LIE......
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Perhaps they'll die!
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There once was a Kingdom that threw up the LIE
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Right in their eye, they threw up the LIE
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They threw up the LIE and they changed all the RULES
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Opened Crown Tourney to all but the fools,
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They opened Crown Tourney to sweep up the BULL
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And let in the People, a real Miracle!
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They swept up the BULL and laughed at the BOARD
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And every man-jack of 'em joined the Dark Horde!
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And so they lived happy, and wealthy and wise
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And if this is treason, then it's all a LIE
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Can YOU see why?
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*
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7
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*
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THE BALLAD OF STARK UNBELIEF
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-Ioseph of Locksley
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-tune: variant on "I wish I was a busy bee"
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or "There are no Fighter Pilots"
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(Chorus): Oh------
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Put it on the ground
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Spread it all around
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Dig it with a hoe
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It'll make your flowers grow!
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|
Now, peerages are given for a reason
|
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|
|
And that reason is simply understood:
|
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|
|
For Chivalry, and Honesty, and Bravery
|
|||
|
|
And being very, very, very Good!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Awards are given out to the deserving,
|
|||
|
|
And no one EVER bitches, out of spite!
|
|||
|
|
We forget the little slights and innuendos
|
|||
|
|
And we really DO believe that Right makes Might!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Nepotisim" is a word we've never heard of,
|
|||
|
|
"Politics" is just a friendly little game!
|
|||
|
|
We have counted every shot that we've been given,
|
|||
|
|
And Camelot is where we always aim!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Oh the King is up there, sitting in the Throne Room,
|
|||
|
|
And the Pelicans are sitting on the grass,
|
|||
|
|
The Knights are getting drunk and falling down (a lot),
|
|||
|
|
And the Laurels are all sitting on their...laurels!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The BoD is doing something I'm not sure of,
|
|||
|
|
The Registry has lost your membership,
|
|||
|
|
The Marshallate can't find it's head with both hands and a road-map,
|
|||
|
|
And the Heralds are all full of chicken-ship!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
*
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
TRELON, TRELON!
|
|||
|
|
(Tune: "Bicycle Built for Two")
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Trelon, Trelon, this isn't very much fun
|
|||
|
|
At Estrella, outnumbered two-to-one!
|
|||
|
|
I'm here to tell you, Buster,
|
|||
|
|
We felt a lot like Custer!
|
|||
|
|
When we got beat
|
|||
|
|
We were cold meat!
|
|||
|
|
Out at Estrella V!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Trelon, Trelon, looks like they did it again
|
|||
|
|
No fun, re-run, as our army they over-ran!
|
|||
|
|
They beat us and they banged us,
|
|||
|
|
They crucified and hanged us,
|
|||
|
|
It's getting old
|
|||
|
|
Them beating us cold
|
|||
|
|
Out at Estrella VI!
|
|||
|
|
*
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
8
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
*
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
LONDON DERRIERE
|
|||
|
|
-Ioseph of Locksley
|
|||
|
|
(Tune: "Londonderry Aire" aka "Danny Boy")
|
|||
|
|
(c) copyright 1990 W.J.Bethancourt III
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
I watch you walk upon the streets of London
|
|||
|
|
Your mini-skirt stretched tight, and looking sweet
|
|||
|
|
I watch you walk, and walk into a lampost
|
|||
|
|
I didn't see, upon the London street.
|
|||
|
|
So turn your back, and wiggle softly from me!
|
|||
|
|
With mini-skirt, (perhaps, no underwear!)
|
|||
|
|
Your legs are great! But, by the Gods above me!
|
|||
|
|
I watch your wondrous London derriere!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The Paris girls are wonders full of beauty,
|
|||
|
|
And California grows the Long-stemmed L.A. rose,
|
|||
|
|
Berlin nights are full of life, and lovely,
|
|||
|
|
But London girls don't wear no panty-hose!
|
|||
|
|
So turn your back, and wiggle softly from me!
|
|||
|
|
And let me watch, and dream a dream so rare:
|
|||
|
|
In my hotel, you naked there above me
|
|||
|
|
Sit on my face with your London derriere!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
*
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
THE SHEIK OF HOUSE LOCKSLEY
|
|||
|
|
(Tune: "Sheik of Araby")
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
I'm the sheik of House Locks-lee (with no pants on!)
|
|||
|
|
Your bod belongs to me! (with no pants on!)
|
|||
|
|
At night when you're asleep, (with no pants on!)
|
|||
|
|
Into your tent I'll creep! (with no pants on!)
|
|||
|
|
And wondrous things you'll see! (with no pants on!)
|
|||
|
|
I'm the sheik of House Locks-lee! (with no pants on!)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
nb: the section in (parentheses) is whispered........
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
*
|
|||
|
|
|