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BOTTOM
======
by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall
Series 1, Episode 2
Gas
===
Richie Rik Mayall
Eddie Adrian Edmondson
Gasman Mark Lambert
Mr. Rottweiler Brian Glover
Rottweiler's girlfriend Gabi Valenti
Scene 1. The Flat.
------------------
[There is a roaring of burning gas. All the rings of the cooker and all the
elements of the fire are on full blast. Richie and Eddie are sitting at the
table playing poker.]
Richie: Right, I'll bet another week's worth of washing up.
Eddie: I'll see your week's washing up, and I'll raise you: Four
trips to the launderette. 3p in real money. And one cleaning
and disinfecting right around the back of the lavatory bowl.
Richie: Well that's cleaned me out.
Eddie: Right. What have you got?
Richie: Right. Three pairs.
Eddie: What d'you mean three pairs? You're only allowed five cards!
Richie: Oh. Shit! Er, two pairs. Well, two and a half pairs.
Eddie: Stand up.
Richie: No.
Eddie: Come on.
Richie: I can't, I've got a hernia.
Eddie: No you haven't.
Richie: I have, it's all the excitement just gave me a hernia.
Eddie: Look, stand up or I will give you a hernia!
Richie: All right, all right.
Eddie: Cards.
[Richie sighs and hands over the cards he has been sitting on.]
Eddie: Shoes.
Richie: Oh don't be ridiculous, I haven't got a...
Eddie: You have, I saw you fold them up and put them in there.
[With a sigh Richie takes off his shoes and tips out some folded cards.]
Eddie: Underpants.
Richie: Oh Eddie, those are my best ones!
Eddie: Look, I'm not angry. It's just we're playing with a deck of
twelve cards here.
Richie: All right.
[Richie unzips his fly and rummages around inside his pants, eventually
pulling out a few cards.]
Richie: Ah, ah, ungh...
Eddie: Right, let's get on with the game.
Richie: Right. What have you got?
Eddie: Five kings.
Richie: Damn! You get me every time!
Eddie: Hahaaaaa! Come here my little beauties, let's see what we've
got then! A signed photo of Sue Carpenter... Ooh, and a
chinese burn. I think I'll have that now.
Richie: One of these days I'm going to learn the rules for that game
mate, then you'll really be for it.
[Eddie applies the chinese burn. The buzz of the doorbell is heard.]
Richie: Well who on earth can that be at this time of day?
Eddie: Well I'm not expecting anyone.
Richie: Well, nor am I.
Eddie: Well, it must be for someone else then.
Richie: Yeah.
Eddie: Right, another game?
Richie: You bet!
Eddie: Seven card stud or Crazy Eights?
Richie: Makes no difference to me mate, I don't know the rules.
Eddie: Right, one card slam it is then.
Richie: Okey-doke.
Eddie: [slapping down a card] Oooh! Twelve quid.
Richie: Bloody hell! No wonder they always shoot each other on those
river boats!
[The buzzer goes again.]
Richie: Oh God, it's him! He's breaking my concentration. Answer the
door Eddie, this man's costing me a fortune!
Eddie: I don't have to mate. Not for the next six years.
[Another buzz.]
Richie: All right, I'm coming! [another two buzzes] All right, all
right! Who do you think I am, Speedy Gonzales?
[There are another two buzzes as Richie opens the door. The Gasman is
ringing the bell. Richie slaps him.]
Richie: Right, that's enough of that. That's my electricity you know,
I'm not the Aga Khan! Oh! Cripes, it's the gasman.
Gasman: Hello, I wonder if I could just read your meter?
Richie: [loudly] Hello, Mr. Gasman!
Gasman: Er, yes, hello.
Eddie: You what?
Richie: [louder] Hello Mr. Gasman!
Gasman: Er, yes, hello again. I wonder if I could just read your me--
Eddie: Mr. who?
Richie: [shouting] Gasman! Gasman! Gasman!
[Eddie rushes around the flat turning off the gas.]
Gasman: Do you have someone who looks after you? Could I see them,
because I need to read your meter!
Eddie: Who is it, darling?
Richie: It's the Gasman!
Gasman: Um, yes, I think we've established that.
Eddie: Well, don't leave him out in the cold, dreamboat. Show him in.
Gasman: Thank you. Oohh, it's nice and warm in here. Right, I'll just
have a look at your meter, if I may. Ah yes, here's the little
fella.
[Eddie looks down in alarm at his crotch before realizing that the Gasman
is looking at the cupboard behind him.]
Eddie: Oh, you don't want to look at that mate, it's very boring. I
had a look at it once and fell into a coma.
Gasman: Well, actually that's where you're wrong. Because the ones on
this street are particularly interesting.
Richie: Oh, really? Why's that then?
Gasman: Well, there's been a complaint from someone in this street
that they're paying too much for their gas. We've got to check
all the meters in this street and make sure everything's okay.
Richie: Hahaahaaahahahaaahaaaha! Have you checked next door yet?
Gasman: No, they're next.
Richie: Oh.
Gasman: That's if I don't knock off before I get to him. Ahh, it's,
eh, quarter to six now, so if it takes me fifteen minutes to
do this one I probably won't get to him before tomorrow
morning.
[The Gasman is bent over reading the meter. Eddie lines up his cricket bat
and raises it above his head ready to strike; the Gasman turns around and
Eddie quickly pretends to be scratching his own back with it.]
Gasman: That's odd!
Richie: What? Is there some sort of... problem... officer?
Gasman: No, it's just a strange reading.
Richie: Really? What does it say?
Gasman: Nought nought, nought nought, nought nought nought.
Richie: Yep. That'd be right. Haha. We don't use gas. Do we Eddie?
Eddie: I don't even know what it is mate. What is gas?
Richie: All right, all right, don't spoil it.
Gasman: So how do you keep it so warm in here then?
Richie: We, we make love. No, no, no -- not together, you understand.
On our own. Err...
Gasman: That's very interesting.
Richie: Ha ha ha.
Gasman: Takes all sorts, don't it? Hehe. Right, er, I think I'll be on
my way then.
Richie: No! No!
Eddie: Wait!
Gasman: What is it?
Eddie: Do you want a cup of tea?
Gasman: Tea? Er, no, I don't think I will, thank you very much.
Richie: You must! You must! You must drink our tea! It's the best tea
in London! Sit down and drink it, for about twelve minutes.
Gasman: Right, eh yes, I'd love a cup of tea, thank you very much.
Eddie: Right, I'll put the kettle on then.
Gasman: Eh, put the kettle on?
Eddie: Yeah, put the kettle... on... the floor. 'Cause we won't be
needing that, because we don't use gas. Ah, hah, how do we
usually make the tea?
Richie: Er, we usually... use the water... from the hot tap. Don't we?
Eddie: Yeah, that's what we do. Hhhhh! Ha ha! Funny the things you
forget, eh?
Gasman: He he he he!
Richie: Hahahahahhaaa!
[Richie tries desperately and uncomfortably to make conversation.]
Richie: Nice trousers. They, they remind me of a story I know. A long
story. Lasts about fifteen minutes. Erm, once upon a time,
there, there was a big forest. And in the middle of the forest
there lived... some trousers. Called... Dave. Er, well come
along Eddie, we're dying for some lovely cups of refreshing
tea!
Gasman: Is your water heated by a gas boiler then?
Eddie: Yep. Er, no, it isn't. Er, because we don't use gas, er,
because we don't know what it is.
Gasman: Then why are you using the hot tap then?
Richie: We get the cold water from the hot tap. That way we save wear
and tear on the cold tap.
Gasman: Em, how d'you heat the water for the tea then?
Richie: We don't. We have it cold. Don't we Eddie?
Eddie: Yes, that's right, we have it... cold?
Gasman: But your pilot light seems to be on!
Richie: Is it? Oh my God, it's caught fire!
[Richie runs over to the boiler and blows out the pilot light.]
Richie: That was a close one, wasn't it? Ha ha, hahaaw.
Eddie: Here we go then. Three mugs of steaming cold tea. Better drink
it before it gets warm.
Richie: Well, cheerio then! This is the best tea in London. [sipping
his tea] Mmm.
[He bravely gulps down the rest of the tea, struggling to control himself
as his stomach heaves afterwards.]
Richie: Mmm, lovely. Well come on Eddie, you're not drinking yours.
Eddie: Yes, I know, I'm watching you enjoying yours.
Richie: Well come on, do your fair share you bastard! [to the Gasman]
And you!
Gasman: Er, no, I don't think I'll bother if you don't mind.
Richie: Yes, bloody hell, I drank mine! Look, it's not fair!
Gasman: Er, no, I think I'll be on me way.
Richie: You won't, you'll sit down there! You'll sit down there and
drink your tea! Come on, all of it! Now!
[The Gasman gulps down his tea.]
Gasman: Urgh! Eh, thank you very much. Lovely. Right, er, I'll just be
on me way then.
Richie: No! You can't go.
Gasman: Oh, why not?
Richie: Because I love you.
Gasman: What?
Richie: I love you and I can't live without you. At least, not for the
next eight minutes.
Gasman: Right, that's it. I'm off.
Richie: You stay where you are mate!
Gasman: No, I'm afraid I'm on my way now.
Richie: You're not going anywhere!
[Eddie hits the Gasman with a frying pan. Richie starts to punch the
Gasman's prone body while Eddie continues with the pan. Eddie stops after a
while, waiting for Richie to stop. Eddie hits him some more, Richie joins
in again. There is a long pause after what Richie thinks is the final blow
with the pan. Eddie hits him twice more. Richie flinches after each blow.]
Richie: You're not going anywhere mate! Mate? Mate! Eddie! You've
killed him!
[Eddie drops the pan with a clang.]
Eddie: I never touched him.
Richie: Yeah, but the frying pan did, didn't it, and you were touching
that at the time!
Eddie: Bollocks, you killed him. He was dead before he hit the
ground.
Richie: Well then why did you keep hitting him with the frying pan?
Eddie: For fun.
Richie: Oh God! What are we going to do?
Eddie: About twenty-five years I think.
Richie: No, rubbish! It was an accident. He, he, he fell over on his
way to the door.
Eddie: That's right! And banged himself repeatedly over the head with
a frying pan.
Richie: You're right! We're done for. Wake up you bastard!
[He kicks the Gasman twice. Eddie gives Richie a swift blow on the head
with the frying pan.]
Eddie: Calm down!
Richie: I am calm! Huuaaarrghhhhuuh! You bastard! You bastard! Huh,
huh--
[Eddie hits him again.]
Eddie: Calm down, you hysterical girl's blouse!
Richie: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. Oh God. Oh God, this is real.
Eddie: That's right. So we've got to be sensible.
Richie: Sensible. Let's eat him. No, sorry! Stupid idea. We're not
allowed to use the gas, are we?
Eddie: Hey! Maybe he's not dead. Maybe he's just stunned. Why don't
you give him the kiss of life?
Richie: Yeah! No, I will not! You sad pervy! We've got a dead body in
the house and your first idea is to sexually assault it!
Eddie: Ah, come on! You've always wanted to find out what snogging's
really like!
[There is a pause as this idea sinks into Richie's head.]
Richie: Alright.
[Richie checks his breath and advances slowly towards the Gasman.]
Eddie: Look, just hold his nose, yank his mouth open and blow a load
of air into his lungs.
Richie: Well that doesn't sound very romantic Eddie. Good grief, it's
no wonder you're still single.
Eddie: Get out of the way, I'll do it.
Richie: Get off, get off! He's my bird, do you want a fight about it?
Eddie: Well get on with it then!
Richie: Alright, I am!
[Holding the Gasman's nose, Richie purses his lips and blows at the
Gasman.]
Eddie: Aw, get out of the way, I'll give him a go with this.
[brandishing a bicycle pump] Put the end in his mouth.
[Richie holds the tube to the Gasman's lips. Eddie gives him a few pumps of
air.]
Eddie: Phww! How's he looking?
Richie: Fatter. Mind you, the colour's come back to his cheeks.
Eddie: Yeah, but it shouldn't be bright purple. Oh no, this isn't
going to work.
[Richie takes the tube out of the Gasman's mouth. There is a huge gale of
exhaled air.]
Richie: Is he related to you?
Eddie: Hang on, I've had a better idea.
[Eddie picks up a pair of rubber gloves and starts to put them on.]
Richie: No! No, Eddie, no! Have you no shame! No, it's not natural!
Ah, besides which, I've got to do the washing up in those
later.
[Using his gloved hands Eddie pulls two wires out of the fuse-box on the
wall.]
Richie: Oh, that's what you're doing. I thought it was -- er, no.
Eddie: Right. Open his shirt.
Richie: Right. [to the prone Gasman] I'm just going to undo your
zip. It's nothing sexy -- it's actually quite good for you so
you lie back and relax. Well, that's what you're doing anyway
isn't it hahaaahaa!
Eddie: Oh, get out of the way, I'll do it. Here, hold these.
[Richie, holding the live wires, dances across the room twitching.]
Eddie: Right, give me the electrodes back. Look, stop dancing, I'm
not impressed you know. Stop messing about!
Richie: Hah. Hworrgh!
Eddie: Right, here goes.
[Eddie holds the wires and gives the Gasman a shock across the chest. He
then tries one across the temples and finally one across the nostrils.]
Eddie: Nope, it's no good. He's dead.
[Eddie pulls the other end of the wires out of the fuse-box and throws them
aside.]
Eddie: Well, how are we going to get rid of the body?
Richie: Well... I'm still all in favour of eating him. I mean, it
doesn't matter about the gas problem, we could have him cold.
Eddie: I don't like the look of him.
Richie: Well that's not a problem -- we'll Sellotape a picture of Sue
Carpenter over his face. You'd soon tuck in then, wouldn't
you! I know I would.
Eddie: [handing Richie a fork] All right, here you go then.
Richie: Ah great. Here we go. Oh God, there's so much to choose from,
isn't there? Hum, dum-de-dum-de-dum-de-dum.
[He sinks the fork into the Gasman's groin with a sickening squelch.]
Richie: Hey, wait a minute! I've got a better idea. We don't have to
eat him -- we'll get someone else to eat him for us.
[Richie crosses to the window. Dialling a number on the phone he looks out
at the kebab shop across the road.]
Richie: Great, he's still open. Hello, Amal, how's the kebab business?
Yeah, yeah, yeah alright, I don't want a conversation about
it, it was just an English pleasantry. Well how are you off
for meat? Yeah? Well bugger you then!
[Richie slams the phone down, furiously.]
Richie: Damn! No good -- he said his Alsatian got run over this
morning so he's all right for meat for the rest of the week.
What are we going to do with the body?
Eddie: What body?
[The body has indeed vanished, but there is a large lump under the carpet.]
Richie: Eddie! That is absolutely -- [trips] hwoop! Pathetic.
Eddie: Yeah, well it's early days, we've got to flatten it out a bit.
Richie: Oh right.
[They both jump up and down a few times on the lump in the carpet.]
Richie: That's not bad, actually. That's pretty good. You know, I
think we're going to get away with this!
Eddie: Right, I'll pretend to be a policeman.
Richie: Okey-doke.
[Eddie leaves the room, knocks on the door and comes back in.]
Eddie: Hello hello hello, what's that dead body doing under the
carpet?
Richie: Damn! Hoh.
[A bus goes past outside.]
Eddie: Hey! I've just had a idea. Why don't we stick him on a bus?
Richie: Yeah! No, no good, the conductor would notice when he didn't
pay his fare.
Eddie: No no, why don't we stick him ON a bus?
Richie: Because the conductor would notice when he didn't pay his
fare.
Eddie: I mean on the roof!
Richie: Ooohhhh! You don't get conductors on the roof!
Eddie: Exactly. That's what makes the plan so flawless. Nobody'll
find him 'til he gets to the depot and even then they won't
know where he's come from.
Richie: Yeah! Well, not unless they look in his pocket-book and see
that the last job he had today was here. Oh, er --
Eddie: Well, that's no problem. Oh look, he's got a fiver here. That
should come in handy. Right then, where are we? Ah, here we
are. Right. [writing] "No problem with the meter in this
flat. Don't check for another three hundred years. Nice
people, especially the bloke with the glasses, who wasn't
holding a frying pan." Er, "Nice atmos. altogether, really."
Richie: All right, Dickens, get on with it.
Eddie: "Left in high spirits, to indulge in my hobby of bus-surfing."
Richie: Ooh, quick, Eddie, there's one at the lights!
[They pick up the Gasman's body, carrying him to the window. The rumble of
an approaching bus is heard.]
Both: Hwarrrgh! One, two, three --
Gasman: Arrrrgh! Bloody hell my head!
Richie: Hhoooh!
Gasman: Argh, argh, where am I? What happened?
[Eddie swiftly pulls the fork out of the Gasman with a squelch.]
Richie: You banged your head on the frying pan Eddie was holding.
Eddie: Several times.
Richie: And then you tried to throw yourself out of the window.
Gasman: Oh God, it's the loony! Let me out of here!
Richie: Yes, you've got no time to go next door now, you'd better
knock off straight away. You'd better get home to your wife.
Gasman: Right, yes -- I haven't got a wife.
Eddie: That'll be the amnesia mate.
Gasman: Right, yes, er, er, I wonder where I live?
Eddie: Yees.
[They bundle him out of the door. He falls down the stairs.]
Richie: You stupid, stupid bastard! I knew you'd get us into trouble!
Eddie: He looked all right to me!
Richie: I'm not talking about him, I'm talking about nicking next
door's gas supply. What time is it now?
Eddie: Erm, big hand is a... quarter past six.
Richie: Is it? Right, that means we've got until nine o'clock tomorrow
morning which is er, err, er...
Eddie: Phwor, that's a difficult one, isn't it?
Richie: Five, it's... er, er...
Eddie: There's a five in it, no? No, four hours twenty-seven minutes.
Richie: Is it? Oh yes, that's right, I was just about to say that.
That means we've got four hours and twenty-seven minutes to
get in next door and remove that illegal gas pipeline that we
connected to next door's mains, right? I'll keep him talking
and you go into the kitchen and do all the dangerous stuff,
okay?
Eddie: That sounds just a trifle unfair to me.
Richie: Haahhhh, that's the spirit! Have you got the wrench?
Eddie: No, it's just my underpants are a bit tight.
Richie: Ha ha ha har ha ha!
[He gives Eddie a joking push.]
Eddie: Ha ha ha har ha ha!
[Eddie pushes him back, harder.]
Richie: Ha ha ha har ha ha!
[He hits Eddie. They start to fight.]
Richie: No Eddie, no! No, no! There's no time for merriment! We've got
to get in and do a job, matey! Okay?
Eddie: Okay.
Richie: Right. Come on, let's hasten to the neighbour's. Shouldn't be
any problem -- he's a nice enough man.
Eddie: Now that's true!
Scene 2. Mr. Rottweiler's Doorstep.
-----------------------------------
[Richie rings the doorbell of Mr. Rottweiler's flat. Mr. Rottweiler appears
in string vest and boxer shorts. He is a large, bald-headed, pugnacious
man.]
Richie: Evening Mr. Rottweiler!
Rottweiler: What is it?
Richie: Just a friendly visit. May we come in?
Rottweiler: Bugger off, I've got a bird upstairs!
Richie: But we've brought you round... half a bottle of sherry.
Eddie: Hic!
Rottweiler: Ta very much. Anything else?
Bird: [from inside] Who is it darling?
Rottweiler: It's them bastards from next door! I won't be a tick.
Eddie: Have you got a real woman in there?
Richie: Cor! Can we have a look?
Rottweiler: Sod off!
Richie: Oh no, go on, go on, just a peek.
Eddie: Do you mind if I get my camera?
Rottweiler: Look, don't make me angry! Something very special's happened
to me. I'm in love. It's the real thing. So I don't want you
two jerks coming round messing things up, d'you understand? If
I see either of you again tonight, I'll kill ya!
[He slams the door. Richie and Eddie stand on the doorstep, panting. After
a few seconds Richie rings the bell again. Eddie looks at him, amazed.]
Rottweiler: What?
Richie: Shut my fingers in the door.
[He slams the door again, with a crunch. Richie looks down to where his
crotch is close to the door. He tries to pull away.]
Richie: Aaaghh! Ungh, ungh.
Scene 3. The Ledge.
-------------------
[The creaking of Rottweiler's bedsprings is heard. Eddie is inching along
the ledge outside the window. Richie calls to him from the window.]
Richie: Keep your head down!
Eddie: What?
[Richie climbs out of the window and stands on the ledge.]
Richie: Keep your head down!
Eddie: Pardon?
Richie: It doesn't matter.
[Eddie makes his way back to Richie.]
Eddie: What?
Richie: It doesn't matter.
Eddie: What doesn't matter?
Richie: What I just said!
Eddie: What did you just say?
Richie: It doesn't matter.
Eddie: No, no, I heard that, before that.
Richie: I was just telling you to keep your head down.
Eddie: Ooooh! I know that.
[Eddie goes back along the ledge.]
Richie: Ooh -- huh!
[Richie nearly falls out but regains his balance. He mutters, almost to
himself.]
Richie: Arsehole.
Eddie: I heard that.
[Eddie has reached Rottweiler's bedroom window and peers inside. He sees
something and turns to Richie, excited.]
Eddie: Bloody Nora!
Richie: Shut up!
Eddie: They're having it off!
Richie: I'll be right over!
[He races along the ledge to join Eddie outside Rottweiler's window.]
Richie: Bloooody hell!
Eddie: You see, I told you, you do do it like that.
Richie: Hahhhhh! God, who'd have thought it? Hah! Shove over, I can't
see. I can only see one nipple.
Eddie: Careful!
Richie: I want to see some more.
Eddie: Careful!
Richie: Arh, look, arrrgh! Arrghhh! Hoooo-oop!
[Their heads disappear from view, but after a moment they pull themselves
back up again. Eddie takes the camera he is wearing around his neck.]
Eddie: Hah, hhh, hh, get one shot...
[He takes his picture. The flash goes off and they both fall. A crash is
heard from below.]
Scene 4. Rottweiler's Flat.
---------------------------
[Eddie and Richie are standing by the stairs in their flat, looking at the
wall. Eddie is holding a sledge-hammer.]
Richie: Now, according to my calculations, Rottweiler's kitchen should
be just about here.
Eddie: Nn-yeah.
Richie: So, I make a little hole, you squeeze through, fix the gas,
and slip out through the front door while I replace the
bricks. I mean, what could be simpler than that?
Eddie: Absolutely nothing.
Richie: You're right. And absolutely nothing can go wrong. Right, just
take out a couple of bricks here-ish.
Eddie: Okey-dokey matey.
[Eddie takes a swing at the wall, making a huge gaping hole. He has broken
through the wall to Rottweiler's bedroom.]
Richie: Despair not!
Eddie: Despair what?
Richie: Faint heart ne'er won fair maid.
[They clamber through the hole.]
Eddie: You talk an incredible amount of bollocks, don't you!
Richie: Shut up, shut up! Come on. Shhh, shh sh shh. You go into the
kitchen, I'll tidy up un here.
Eddie: Okey-dokey.
[Eddie clumps off, treading on a very squeaky floorboard as he goes.]
Richie: Mind the squeaky board!
[Eddie turns, walking back towards Richie. The board squeaks again.]
Eddie: That one?
Richie: That's the one.
Eddie: Okay.
[Eddie leaves, with another squeak. Richie starts to pick up the bricks and
accidentally drops one on Rottweiler, who stirs and speaks in his sleep.]
Rottweiler: Me too.
[Eddie gets into the kitchen and looks at the garden hose that runs from
the window to the meter. He pulls the fridge away from the wall to expose
the meter, but as he does so the fridge door opens. The fridge is extremely
well stocked.]
Eddie: Hahhhhhhh!
[Eddie takes out a sausage and bites on it. Meanwhile, Richie has managed
to cram some bricks haphazardly into the hole in the wall. It still looks
very damaged.]
Richie: There. Oh no! Hah!
[He notices a chest of drawers beneath the window. He starts to roll it
along, but it lets out a terrible squeaking noise. After another
experimental push he shrugs and rolls it determinedly all the way over to
cover the hole. In the kitchen Eddie has just finished laying out an
enormous feast. With a contented sigh he pushes two hard-boiled eggs into
his mouth. Richie finishes rolling the chest. The woman in the bed sighs.
Richie notices and tries to get the best view to look at her. He calls
softly to Eddie.]
Richie: How are you doing, Eddie?
Eddie: [with a mouthful of food] Very well, thank you.
Richie: How much longer are you going to be?
Eddie: Oh, quite a while.
Richie: I'll just, er, tidy things up in here.
[Richie rolls the bedside table away from the woman's side. Gently he lifts
up the sheet covering her chest. He looks quite amazed. Suddenly, though,
the woman rolls over facing Rottweiler.]
Richie: No, no, no no no!
[Richie has a better idea. He goes to the foot of the bed, lifts up the
covers, and peers in. Utter amazement crosses his face. Reaching a
decision, he starts to crawl up between Rottweiler and the woman.
Rottweiler farts loudly and Richie starts choking and squirming, eventually
popping up at the top of the bed. Meanwhile Eddie finishes his snack,
patting his belly satisfiedly.]
Eddie: Right, time for a bit of work.
[He studies the meter for a while. After some thought he grabs the hose and
pulls. It suddenly comes off and Eddie recoils across the room, bouncing
off a dresser full of crockery on the other side of the room. The noise
disturbs Richie.]
Richie: Shhhhhh!
[Rottweiler rolls over, still asleep, puts his arm around Richie and plants
a few kisses on his face. Richie struggles to escape but can't. In the
kitchen, Eddie carefully arranges a plate and a single cup on the dresser.]
Eddie: No-one would ever know.
[He suddenly notices the hiss of gas pouring out of the hose on the meter.
He runs across the room and sticks his finger in the end of the hose. The
hissing abruptly stops. He looks around for help.]
Eddie: Richie!
Richie: Shhhhhh!
Eddie: [loudly] Rich-ie!
Richie: Why didn't we just pay our gas bill?
Eddie: [yelling] Riichiiiee!
Richie: [quietly but angrily] Shut up!
Eddie: Richie!
[Rottweiler begins to smother Richie in kisses again. Richie struggles
harder to escape, kicking his legs about. Suddenly the foot of the bed
collapses. Richie falls out, covered in the sheet.]
Bird: Ooh, you really made the earth move, you sex monster!
Rottweiler: Come on, let's do it some more, you raunchy love handle!
[Rottweiler pulls the sheet off Richie and dives onto the woman. Neither of
them notice Richie.]
Bird: Ahhh, you great hunk of zebra!
[There is an explosion from the kitchen. Richie runs in to see Eddie
looking dazed and singed and a huge jet of flame spurting from the gas
meter.]
Richie: Eddie, Eddie, what the bloody hell do you think you're doing?
Eddie: I thought I'd burn it off.
Richie: What, your face?
Eddie: No, the excess gas.
Richie: Oh really. Well how long do you think it'll take to burn off
the entire North Sea gas reserves?
Eddie: I don't know, what d'you reckon?
Richie: I reckon we ought to get out of here!
Eddie: Okey-dokey. I'll just get rid of the evidence.
[Eddie pulls down the hosepipe.]
Richie: Come on, come on! We bloody did it! You and me together, from
here to eternity! Come on, let's get out of here!
[Richie opens the door. The Gasman is standing on the doorstep.]
Gasman: Hello, er--
[Richie slams the door in his face. They run for the bedroom.]
Richie: Up the stairs, quick!
[The doorbell rings, waking up Rottweiler, who goes to answer it leaving
the woman asleep. Richie and Eddie manage to hide behind the bedroom door
as he opens it.]
Richie: Quick, in here!
[Richie pulls the chest aside with a squeak.]
Richie: Well give me a hand for Christ's sake!
Eddie: Hang on, just a quick one for the album.
[He lifts the sheet at the bottom of the bed, sticks his camera in and
takes a photo. Richie kicks the loose bricks out of the hole in the wall.
They climb through, Eddie continuing to take pictures. Rottweiler has made
it to the kitchen and notices the flames.]
Rottweiler: Bloody hell, my kitchen! Help! Help! Somebody call the Gas
Board!
[The doorbell rings again. Rottweiler opens the door.]
Gasman: Hello, I'm from the Gas Board.
Rottweiler: Blimey, that was quick! Look, my kitchen's on fire!
Gasman: My God, no wonder your gas bill's so high! How did this
happen?
Rottweiler: You tell me, face-ache, you're the bleeding expert!
Gasman: Well where are the other two?
Rottweiler: What other two?
Gasman: The two loonies from next door. They were here a moment ago.
Rottweiler: Here? In my flat?
Gasman: Aye, large as life.
Rottweiler: Aaarrrrhhhhhhh!
Scene 5. The Flat.
------------------
[Richie is replacing the last few bricks. Eddie is sitting against the
wall, looking charred.]
Richie: There we are, the last brick. Huhhh! Safe and sound at last.
Hah, I never thought we'd get away with it. Put it right there
old pal.
Eddie: No I will not!
Richie: Brains you see Eddie. Brains over brawn. Haha! I bet we won't
be seeing Rottweiler again for a bit!
[There is a crash as Rottweiler bursts through the hole in the wall. With a
snarl he grabs them, one in each hand. Freeze-frame, the credits roll.]
Transcription James Kew <j.kew@ic.ac.uk>. Last revised July 1994.
"Bottom -- The Scripts", a BBC book, contains full scripts to
Series One, including many lines that were cut for transmission.
Series One and Series Two are available on BBC videos.