131 lines
6.5 KiB
Plaintext
131 lines
6.5 KiB
Plaintext
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### ###
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### ###
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### #### ### ### ### ####
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### ### ##### ### ###
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### ### ### ### ###
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### ### ##### ### ###
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########## ### ### ##########
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### ###
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### ###
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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####### ## ## ####### # # ####### #### #######
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## ## ## ## ##### # ## ## ##
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#### ## ## #### # # #### ## #######
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## ## ## ## ##### # ## ## ## ##
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## ## ####### ####### # # ####### ###### #######
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[ Alien Invasion ] [ By Joseph ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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[Alien Invasion]
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I was out walking the other day. It was rather cold and it was getting
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dark. I was freezing, and started to regret that I went out for a walk.
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Anyway, I suddenly saw this strange light two-three hundred meters in front
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of me. It was kind of bluish and blinked every once in a while. The streets
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were empty, and I thought that it was probably some road maintenance
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being made late at night. I walked towards the light and didn't think much
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about it until I came just in front of it. A low humming sound came from what
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seemed to be the center of the light. The object I was now standing in front
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of was two meters wide and about one meter tall. It levitated a couple of
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feet above the ground.
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I wet my pants. Never before had I encountered something I just couldn't
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explain. This was something really new. I froze and stood there, probably
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looking quite funny, for about ten minutes or so. A door opened and a small
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figure came out. He halted and made a funny look. We both stared at each
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other for some time until the small figure said "Hi!, how are you?"
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I said that I was rather fine, until the moment I'd met him (or her as it
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turned out to be.) She laughed.
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"Yeah, you earthlings sure have a peculiar way of saying hello."
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"How so?", I asked.
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"Every time I say hello to someone, they start to pee."
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I was stunned. This was an alien and she had obviously met humans before
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and she invited me into the craft. I went in and was amazed by how big it was
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from the inside. When I saw it from the outside it seemed to be a really
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small ship to travel through the galaxy in.
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She introduced herself as Karin Larsson. I told her that was a strange
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name for an alien. She just looked at me and said that Josef Bjornberg was
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quite a funny name for an earthling.
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I decided to not discuss the matter more with her. We chatted for a while
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and she served me some very tasty extra-terrestrial tea. They were on a
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weekend trip to earth and had stayed for a couple of days at the Shellaton,
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which is a expensive hotel at the bottom of the pacific ocean. I asked her
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what they did when they were on vacation here on earth.
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"Well, we fool around some," she said.
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I smelled a rat.
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"Exactly what do you do when you fool around?" I asked.
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"We're doing some pretty awesome stuff you know! I think I've got a list,
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somewhere around here, of the stuff we've done the past days."
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She gave me the list and I started to read. Luckily their language was
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very similar to English.
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Day One
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Found a man walking home from a party. He seemed to have had too much to
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drink. We picked him up and went for a spin. Showed him the moon and some of
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the nearest stars from the earth. He puked on the controls and started to
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yell when we showed him how small earth is, when looked down upon from Alpha
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Centauri.
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When we dropped him off we put some phone numbers in his wallet. All of
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them to really ugly women.
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Flew over Pentagon a couple of times at mach 21. Alarms went off, and
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they even fired some missiles at us. Of course they missed - us, but not the
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Johnson family. Pentagon is going to have a hard time explaining why they
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suddenly decided to blow up an entire family. The Johnsons' were on welfare.
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So perhaps they can justify it somehow.
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Created some amazing cell mutations. Grew them for a while until it
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looked like the kind of slime you might find on Sunday mornings next to your
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bed. Served it as food in a Swedish school. A total bore. No one noticed shit.
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Day Two
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Dressed up as Elvis and ran around in a couple of corn fields in Texas. Some
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of them farmers went berserk and shot at us. Perhaps one Elvis would have
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been enough.
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Went over to the loser we picked up yesterday to see how he was doing. We
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sent in the surveillance camera and found him blushing by the phone. Waited
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until he'd gone out and then repainted his room in a slightly different
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color.
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Saw a crowd of people waiting for a bus in Finland. One of us got out
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in the invisible suit. He pinched about twenty women in the ass. A bloodbath
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followed. Of course we managed to get it all on tape.
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Day Three
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Got into AT&T's head office. Erased all the backups made in the past ten
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years. Then crashed the main billing computer. Reheated a cup of coffee
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to about 90 degrees Celsius. One fucking surprised AT&T vice president
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was found later drinking ten liters of cold water.
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Hooked up to the Internet and posted some hard-core GIFs on the
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White house homepage. In a speech to the people hours after, Bill Clinton
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personally denied any involvement.
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Day Four
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Kidnaped an astronomer. Told him how everything worked. He was surprised
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that the space-time wasn't curved but curly. After a while his eyes went
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wide open and he started to giggle and drool. Dropped him of at a hospital.
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Returned to the loser whose apartment we repainted two days ago. Hovered
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outside his window for an hour. He saw us and ran around the room trying to
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find a video camera. When he found it we did some loops and put on antennas
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and said hello.
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I thanked her for the tea and told her I really had to get going. We
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shook hands and said goodbye.
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As I walked back to my house I thought "So that's why!"
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written by Joseph <josef@kuai.se>
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #316 Underground eXperts United 1996 uXu #316
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Call LHD<48> -> +1-818-546-2332
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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