203 lines
9.4 KiB
Plaintext
203 lines
9.4 KiB
Plaintext
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### ###
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### ###
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### #### ### ### ### ####
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### ### ##### ### ###
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### ### ### ### ###
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### ### ##### ### ###
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########## ### ### ##########
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### ###
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### ###
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Underground eXperts United
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Presents...
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####### ## ## ####### # # ####### ####### #######
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## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ##
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#### ## ## #### # # ####### ## ##
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## ## ## ## ##### ## ## ##
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## ## ####### ####### # # ####### ## ##
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[ Boy Racer ] [ By Pivic ]
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____________________________________________________________________
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____________________________________________________________________
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BOY RACER
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written by Pivic
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I read in the evening paper that the doctor of <X> had prescribed heavy
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dosages of Mozart in order to make him hear certain frequencies again. If
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the doctor had stated that himself, would not less people believe it?
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I live a humble life. I have just broken up with my girlfriend and I got
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involved in a new relationship yesterday. Well, we have met now and then
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before, but at that time our interests were mostly directed towards simple
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needs: sex. We met at... and... And I do not really know if I can refer to
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her as my girl. Actually, I share her with another guy. Her boyfriend. I
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say that she is my girl, while she claims that I am just one of her boys.
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That drives me up the wall, I do not like it. But she says that she will
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drop him any day now, but I just cannot believe her. She just mess around
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and it seems like she wants both of us. I can understand, even though it has
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never happened to me nor to anyone I know, that someone might be able to
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love two people at the same time. And it has never crossed my mind that she
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might just want to exploit one of us.
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I never get angry when I discover the bad parts about girls, but if they
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fool around or just use me for their own pleasures, I get mad. It does
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not show, according to my friends, but I can mourn over dead love several
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months after it has been flushed down the drain. So, imagine how afraid
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I am about her fooling around. She is fooling around, with me, but that is
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different. Still, it feels bad - for me and, of course, the other guy!
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He does not know anything. She always say that she will kick him out of
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her life since they are not coming along very well. Hmm. One day it is
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not good and the other day it is just fine.
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two days later
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Problem. She has not left him yet. When I asked her why, she said that she
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needed more time. I did not understand what she meant, but to seem
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understanding I claimed the opposite. Then she said that she loved me, and
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even though I did not show any feelings, I fell for her like a stone. A
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couple of minutes later, she said that I am usually boring.
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However, the reason why she still keeps in touch might be the fact that
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she is only sixteen. I am not very old myself, but, honestly speaking, I
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have never been so much in love with someone as I am with her. I do not really
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know how I would feel if she took her 'first' guy in favor of me. I do not
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fancy being the other man. She says that he is beginning to understand what
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is going on.
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Actually, I have been in a situation that is very much like this one.
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But then the girl had no boyfriend and we were younger than now. Naturally,
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the problems in question seemed bigger at the time. I wanted her, but for
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other reasons than I want... the girl of today. She teased me and it all
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ended with me dumping her. I could not take it any more so I threw her
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away, mourned a little, and then it was over. But this particular girl
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is fucking different.
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one day later
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I have done it. I have done it. But I cannot understand why. I want her,
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what have I done? Perhaps I have given her something that is more nice than
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myself. Or, I have again misunderstood some girl's feelings for me. She just
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does not seem to be interested in me - and her relationship with the other
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man seems to work out now. Anyway, I have sent her a letter that explains
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that it would be better if she stayed with her 'first' man. I cannot talk
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to her.
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seven hours and thirty-three minutes later
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She just sighed and said 'oh' when I called her to tell what I had sent to
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her. I just could not only send her things. It did not feel cowardly, just
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wrong. She said that her relationship with him was doomed, and that there
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was no way it would survive the summer. Still, I did not feel good. She
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began to explain weird metaphors and when I said 'if this is the way it
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is going to be when we are together the things I wrote might be the right
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thing' she just sighed more.
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I thought she had suddenly understood what I had written, and also that
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she wanted it to be like that. However, I then realized that I wanted her
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even more than before. She had changed my life. She fills me with more love
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than anyone else. It all came so fast, and we began to talk at the same
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time. Then we both said 'You first!' together. She began to laugh, I laughed
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with my mouth shut.
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I said something about that I would never stop loving her. It sounds
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stupid, but I really meant it at the time. She began to laugh once again
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and I took it as a personal insult. I didn't say anything though. It was as
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an omen: if we would come back to each other, I would sit around in a
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corner while she laughed at me.
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I considered drinking myself to death. Well, I actually ought to. The
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whole goddamn room is leaning. I am a heavy drinker right now. My whole
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damn head feels fucking heavy and I drink because I want to forget her easily.
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It is not a very good method, since it gives the opposite result. I think
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of her one-hundred percent more now than normally. I hope that I will not
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throw up.
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one day later (not twenty-four hours this time)
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The floor does not stink anymore. Yeah, I dropped the bottle when I fell
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asleep and I also thought it was a great idea to empty it in the crack in
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the floor. Better to do it here than in the hallway.
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I called her up and asked a lot of questions. She said that I sounded
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strange and she wanted to know what I had done. I told her the truth. When
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She laughed and said that I was the only one to blame, I hung up. I could
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not take it. She neither, because she called me up two seconds later. She
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wondered what the hell I thought I was doing. I explained that I just could
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not stand being laughed at right now. 'Oh' she said. Silence. She said
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I sounded like a wino and then she laughed again. I did not hang up. I needed
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someone to talk to. She said that it felt nice to hear my voice again, and
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my body began to shiver at once. I stuttered the words 'It is nice to hear
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your voice too' but I immediately regret saying it. She laughed, and I
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could not feel my body - just my head, and especially the area around my
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ears, something that I... and then her doorbell rang. She asked me to wait.
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"Hello!" someone said, then a kiss. She returned. "I've got company. I must
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go. Bye!" I felt like crying, but since I am a man I cannot cry. That is
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out of the question.
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two days later
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I have been out quite a lot now. During that time she has been away. I told
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her to call me, and perhaps she has done that. I have not been able to
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take any calls at all, because the phone company has cut my cables. Besides,
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I have been busy. I think she does not want me. It does not feel anymore.
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You need to be able to keep your distance. If not, you could go home and
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cry at once.
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five days later
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Now it is over.
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She knows that it is over, but I refuse to accept it. I still have not
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really understood it completely. I know she can change everything and make
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me fall in love with her again. After that, I will give it a little rest.
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Anywey, in this fuckin Disneyland shite, this daft cunt in a bear
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suit jumps oot in front ay us, ken? Wavin ehs airms aboot n that. The
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bairn starts fuckin screamin, gied ur a real fright, ken? So ah fuckin
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panels the cunt, punches the fuckin wide-o in the mooth, or whair ah
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thought ehs mooth wis, under that suit, ken? Too fuckin right!
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Disneyland or nae fuckin Disneyland, disnae gie the cunt the excuse
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tae jump oot in front ay the bairn, ken.
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(Irvine Welsh, "The Acid House")
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NOTHING so difficult as a beginning
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In poetry, unless perhaps the end;
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For oftentimes, when Pegasus seems winning
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The race, he sprains a wing, and down we tend,
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Like Lucifer when hurl'd from heaven for sinning;
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Our sin the same, and hard as his to mend
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Being pride, which leads the mind to soar too far,
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Till our weakness shows us what we are.
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(Lord Byron)
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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uXu #277 Underground eXperts United 1995 uXu #277
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Call PhOD BBS -> +55-2129-49984
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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