148 lines
7.1 KiB
Plaintext
148 lines
7.1 KiB
Plaintext
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_________ __
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/_________\ /__\___
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// \\_______ // \___\
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__________// O \_______\___ _ // O \\
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/__________/ O \___\___/_\_// ||
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// O O \___/ \_/ O ||
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// O O O ||
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|| O O \\___
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|| O __ How to Leave the Planet \___\
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\\___ / \_ \\
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\___\ O / O O \ by Gross Genitalia O ||
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\\ / / ||
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|| O / O O/ Toxic File #67 O ||
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|| / / O //
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\\ /O O / O O //
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\\___/ / O O ________ ________//
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\__/ OO / O /_______ \ O /________/
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/O O /\__________// \ | O //
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/_ / \__________/ _____ || O //
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/\__/ ________ /_____\ \\_______//
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// /________\___// \\ \_______/
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. ||______// \___/ \\ .....
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::: \______/ || :::::::
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::::::::: ||___ ::: :::
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::: ::: ::: \___\ ::::. :
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: : : ::::.
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: Centre of Eternity : ::::.
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.:::. oxic 615.552.5747 :::...::: hock
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::::: HQ of Toxic Shock/40 megs/Lotsa files :::::::
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[Taken from "Don't Panic: The Official Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
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Companion" by Neil Gaiman and adapted for file use.]
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You have been carefully selected as a totally random member of the Human
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Race. This file is for you. Before you read it:
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1) Find a stout chair.
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2) Sit on it.
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This file has been spontaneously generated by the PASSING ACQUAINTANCES OF
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THE EARTH computer. It will appear in this file section when the computer
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judges that the Earth has passed the P.O.S.T.O.S.E.H. (Possibility of
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Sorting Things Out Sensibly Event Horizon)
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If you have this file you may assume that the crucial point has now been
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passed, and that you are one of those chosen to be the future of the Human
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Race.
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The following instructions are for you:
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Leave the planet as quickly as possible.
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Do not procrastinate.
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Do not panic.
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Do not take the "Whole Earth Catalog".
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HOW TO LEAVE THE PLANET:
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1) Phone NASA (tel. 713 483 0123). Explain that it's very important that you
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get away as quickly as possible.
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2) If they do not cooperate, then try to get someone at the White House
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(tel. 202 456 1414) to bring some pressure to bear on them.
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3) If you don't get any joy out of them, phone the Kremlin (tel. 095 295 9051)
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and ask them to bring a little pressure to bear on the White House on your
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behalf.
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4) If that too fails, phone the Pope for guidance (tel. 396 6982).
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5) If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain
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that it's vitally important that you get away before your phone bill
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arrives.
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WHERE YOU SHOULD BE HEADING
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Where everyone else in the Galaxy is heading. Stay in the swim, hang out in
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bars, keep your ear to the sub-etha. Send all information home on postcards
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for the benefit of the next wave of Earth emigrants. Current information says
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that everyone else in the Galaxy is heading for a small planet in Galactic
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Sector JPG71248. It is clearly the most wonderfully trendy zillion tons of
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hunky rock in the known sky.
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WHAT YOUR TRAVELS WILL BE LIKE
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Difficult and unbelievably dangerous.
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Space is notorious for having all sorts of terribly frightening things
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happening in it, most of which are best dealt with by running away very fast.
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You should therefore take with you:
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1) A pair of strong running shoes. The most useful type are of outrageous
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design and mind-mangling colours; experience has shown that if, while
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strolling through the ancient swampworld of Slurmgurst you come unexpectedly
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across an appalling alien monster with Lasero-Zap eyes, Swivel-Shear teeth,
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several dozen tungsten-carbide Vast-Pain claws forged in the sun furnaces
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of Zangrijad, and a terrible temper, it is in your immediate best interests
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that the monster should be for a moment
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a) startled, and
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b) looking downwards.
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2) A towel. Whilst the monster is temporarily confused by your footwear you
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should wrap the towel round its head and strike it with a blunt instrument.
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3) A blunt instrument (see above).
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4) A green Eezi-Mind Anti-Guilt jacket or sweat shirt, for wearing after
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incidents such as the above. Guilt is known to be an electromagnetic
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wave-form which is reflected and diffused by the material from which these
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shirts are made. Wearing them protects you from worrying about all sorts
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of things, including your unpaid phone bill.
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5) A pair of Joo Janta 200 Super Chromatic Peril-Sensitive Sunglasses. These
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will help you to develop a relaxed attitude to danger. At the first hint
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of trouble they turn totally black, thus preventing you from seeing anything
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which might alarm you.
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6) All the lyrics to any songs you like to sing whilst travelling. It is very
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easy to make enemies by continually singing a song you don't know all the
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words to, particularly on long space journeys.
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7) A bottle of something. There are very few people in the Galaxy who won't
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be more pleased to see you if you are carrying a bottle of something.
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MEDICAL KIT:
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In case of physical injury, press the buttons relating to A) part affected
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and B) nature of injury simultaneously
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_ _
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[_] leg [_] broken
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_ _
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[_] arm [_] bruised
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_ _
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[_] head [_] wrenched off
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_ _
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[_] chest [_] mauled by Algolian suntiger
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_ _
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[_] other [_] insulted
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This file will instantly exude appropriate waves of sympathy and understanding.
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REASSURANCE PANEL
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In case of doubt, confusion, or alarm, please touch this panel.
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________________________
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| HI THERE |
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|________________________|
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At times of stress it is often reassuring to make physical contact with
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friendly objects. This panel is your friend.
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NB: On the assumption that nothing terrible is going to happen to the world
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and everything's suddenly going to be alright really, all the advice in this
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file may be safely ignored.
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+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+TS+
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(C)untsmacked July 1, 1990 Gross Genitalia.
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Adapted from "Don't Panic", Neil Gaiman, 1988.
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Apply for Toxinship and The Work of Fetus at Centre of Eternity.
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