567 lines
36 KiB
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567 lines
36 KiB
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*****NUMBERS 131 TO 135***********BY DANIEL BOWEN (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)*****
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"Bastard Toxic Custard"
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.. ___ ..
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| / | 18th January 1993
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TOXIC| CUSTARD\WORKSHOP|FILES written by Daniel Bowen
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| \_/ |
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Y o u r c h a n c e t o v o t e f o r
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B A S T A R D O F T H E Y E A R 1 9 9 2
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Nominations for the Toxic Custard BASTARD OF THE YEAR 1992 have now closed. A
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quick note: not one woman was nominated! We could have wangled Bitch Of The
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Year, you know. I mean, even the abbreviation is the same.
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Two people were nominated three times, which I guess makes them *real*
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bastards. But are they up to being Bastard Of The Year? We'll see.
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Anyway, the following bastards were nominated (in order of nomination):
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a) EVERY SINGLE COMBATANT IN THE YUGOSLAVIAN/SERBIAN/BOSNIAN CONFLICT. These
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bastards have been at each others' throats for months now, and aren't
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particularly worried about the death and destruction they cause, just as
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long as those damned <insert opposition ethnic group here> don't take
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control of more rubble than they do. This, like most ethnic conflicts,
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has its origins hundreds and hundreds of years ago, and probably began
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over a disputed tree.
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b) PATRICK BUCHANAN. This presidential hopeful bastard surprised no-one by
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not even getting nominated. But that's what happens when you run on a
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bigotry ticket.
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c) ROBIN LEACH. This bastard compere of "Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous"
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spends his life looking at rich people's home(s). Which makes him little
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more than a glorified TV real estate agent. Need I say more?
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d) GEORGE BUSH (Nominated thrice). This bastard has now been in charge of
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the United States for the past four years, and yet his most memorable
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achievements are sticking up two fingers to the locals while touring
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Australia, and throwing up all over the Japanese Prime Minister. George's
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hobbies including hunting small animals, ordering subordinates to spank
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Saddam (see nominee g.), and giving awards to Ronald Reagan (for
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what?!?). Don't be too hard on George, he's getting evicted from his
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house in a a couple of days. George is currently trying to win a bet that
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he can have Iraq attacked 10 times in his last week in office.
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e) J. DANFORTH QUAYLE. This one isn't just a bastard, he's a *stupid*
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bastard. When not making a complete dickhead of himself in public, the
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Vice-President of the United States enjoys sleeping. Like his boss,
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Danforth, who frequently forgets the last five letters of his name, is
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getting the boot in a couple of days.
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f) PAUL KEATING. The Prime Minister of Australia for about a year and a half
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now, this bastard has managed to crap on about how he didn't cause this
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economic hole we're now in, how he's working on building a ladder to get
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us out, and how the opposition just want to dig a deeper hole. *And*, he
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groped the Queen last year.
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g) SADDAM HUSSEIN. Saddam, having been utterly crushed in 1991 by the Forces
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Of Good (tm), continued his bastard activities, generally making
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threatening speeches on the telly in his moustache. Rumour has it that
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what is really making him angry is not the Allied forces, but the
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terrible reception on Baghdad television. Saddam should not be confused
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with his cousin, who bought his moustache from the same supplier, as did
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half the men in Iraq. Saddam was recently spanked, but claims it didn't
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hurt a bit. He also says he's started a cruise missile collection.
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h) RUSH LIMBAUGH. Well, he sounds like a bastard, but we've never heard of
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him. Lucky us, eh?
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i) JEFFREY KENNETT (Nominated thrice). Jeff is our new bastard premier here
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in the state of Victoria. Despite being the biggest political dickhead in
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living memory (well, at least in *my* living memory), he managed to get
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elected last October. His government's achievements since then have
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included great steps forward for education (schools closed), advances for
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industrial harmony (tens of thousands of workers protesting in the
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streets) and environmental gains (cutbacks to public transport and the
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EPA, and proposed freeway extensions). And he's just been voted "Man Most
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Likely To Have A Hitler Moustache Painted On His Portrait".
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j) JAMES "KIBO" PARRY (Nominated by himself). Kibo, constant bastard
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tormentor of that cute little doggy Spot, leader of Kibologists
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everywhere, and keeper of the longest .signature file on the net, has
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decided to nominate himself. His main achievement is being one of the
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only TCWF readers to have *two* newsgroups named after him.
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k) JOHN HEWSON. This bastard arch-enemy of Paul Keating (see f.), if elected
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as the next Australian Prime Minister, would like to reward us all by
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adding 15% to the price of everything we buy. Dr Hewson (a doctor of
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Bastardry at Prick University) will very kindly exempt food (after being
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talked into it), and cut existing taxes on petrol (which should do
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wonders for air pollution).
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l) THE LITTLE GREEN MEN WHO KEEP INTERFERING WITH MODEM CONNECTIONS
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WORLDWIDE. These bastards are all members of the Anti-Computer League,
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and enjoy fiddling with our computers, in an effort to piss us off
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constantly. Most of them are employed by telephone companies.
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m) DANIEL BOWEN. This bastard allegedly clogs up the net with his custardish
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ramblings every week. Actually, if you ever have the misfortune to meet
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him, you'll find he's a very nice person, and not at all deserving of
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this award. Besides which, he's running the vote, and will ensure that he
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doesn't win.
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n) JEREMY BEADLE. Either you've heard of this bastard or you haven't. And if
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you haven't, lucky you.
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o) INSPECTOR UNNECESSARY-VIOLENCE. The bastard Inspector, when told of his
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nomination, said "I'm fucking honoured", before continuing laying into a
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little old lady he'd just arrested with a machete he happened to be
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carrying at the time. The Inspector works for the Australian Royal
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Security Establishment, under the guise of law enforcement.
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So, there we have it. Fifteen nominees for the title of Bastard Of The Year
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1992. And now it's your chance to vote for the individual in this list whom
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you consider to be worthy of the title of Bastard Of The Year. You may only
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vote once (bummer, eh?), and only for ONE of the nominees. To vote, reply to
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this mail, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu, either including the name of the
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nominee, or the letter code from the list above.
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All votes must be received by THURSDAY, 28th OF JANUARY, 1993. The
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results will be announced in TCWF 133, in two weeks. Vote now!! Your vote is
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your voice!! The bastard is your choice!! And I've never read James Joyce!!
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So VOTE!!!
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^^^^
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Daniel Bowen
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Bastard returning officer.
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Bastard Of The Year votes - send now to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"Just another Toxic Custard"
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####### ####### ### ####### TOXIC CUSTARD
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# # ##### # # # # ##### # # ##### # # WORKSHOP FILES
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### ### # # # # # # # # # ##### #
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### ### # # # # # ### # # #### # # Number 132
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### ### # # # # # # # # # # ##### 25th January 1993
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### ### ##### # # # # # ##### # # by Daniel Bowen
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---#######---------#######---------###---------#######------------------------
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TOXIC CUSTARD *BASTARD OF THE YEAR* (BOTY) 1992. I
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Voting closes this Thursday, 28th of January. So if you haven't voted
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yet, for fuck's sake; yes, for the sake of fuck, make up your mind and h
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forward your vote NOW! As a reminder, the nominees were: (a) everyone e
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in the Yugoslavian conflict, (b) Patrick Buchanan, (c) Robin Leach, a
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(d) George Bush, (e) Dan Quayle, (f) Paul Keating, (g) Saddam Hussein, r
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(h) Rush Limbaugh, (i) Jeff Kennett, (j) James Parry, (k) John Hewson,
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(l) the people who interfere with everyone's modem connections, p
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(m) Daniel Bowen, (n) Jeremy Beadle, and (o) Inspector Unnecessary- e
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Violence. VOTE NOW! Full results, along with largely useless and o
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doubtful statistical analysis of voting trends, will be released next p
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week. l
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e
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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w
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WAITER: Have you finished with that sir? e
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r
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DINER: What? e
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WAITER: Only I notice you haven't eaten much in the past few minutes, q
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and there's a gentleman on table four who would like the same u
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dish. e
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u
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DINER: Well, I errm.. e
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i
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WAITER: Thank you sir. Now, can I get you any dessert? n
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g
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DINER: Erm.. Yes, perhaps I could have a serving of chocolate mousse?
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f
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WAITER: Ah.. no sir, I don't think so. Guess again sir. o
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r
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DINER: Well, why not?
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h
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WAITER: I'm afraid, sir, that the lady on table six hasn't quite o
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finished eating the chocolate mousse, and this being a u
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Wednesday, there isn't another on the premises. r
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s
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DINER: Now just wait a cotton-picking minute. Do you mean to tell me
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that you share the food around the different people? a
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t
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WAITER: Well, yes sir. It's a new recyclable food strategy we've
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introduced as an attempt to help save our world, sir. I'm sure a
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you couldn't possibly argue with that.
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C
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DINER: Well, err, no, I guess not... l
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i
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WAITER: Good. So, would sir care to await the imminent arrival of the n
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chocolate mousse, or would sir care to select another dessert? t
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o
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DINER: Look, surely this isn't sanitary. I mean, anyone could be n
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passing germs to anyone else.
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I
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WAITER: Did sir spot any lethal germs on his roast steak? n
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a
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DINER: Well no, of course not. u
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g
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WAITER: There you are then. u
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r
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
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t
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MR POPSICLE RETURNS - Part 12 i
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o
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Mr Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence of the Australian Royal n
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Security Establishment had taken over the case of the Great Truck
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Robbery. And, to this end, they took the truckload of police documents s
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back to headquarters and began to wade through them in gumboots, after h
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pouring them all out over the floor. It turned out to be the biggest o
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mistake since someone set up a mass blind date between the Perverts' p
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Society and Nymphomaniacs Anonymous. They discovered that the wading .
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screwed up the files completely, and so asked their boss to organise .
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for a buildingsworth of secretaries to come and sort everything out
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again. H
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While this was going on, Popsicle and the Inspector decided to e
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re-interview one of the only suspects, one Jake McGiggin, at his home. '
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The Inspector was pretty mad at not receiving any votes in the Bastard s
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Of The Year election, and was showing it very well. Rather than knock
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on McGiggin's door, or even knock it down with a big hammer, the s
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Inspector head-butted it open, before entering, smashing ornaments with t
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his truncheon, and shooting the parrot. a
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He then ran into the loungeroom, picked up McGiggin by the nose and r
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pushed him against the wall, so that Popsicle could interview him. t
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"Hello Jake. We'd like to discuss a few things. That okay?" e
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McGiggin nodded, with a great deal of difficulty. d
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"You wanna tell me about the robbery?"
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McGiggin muttered something very nasal, and the Inspector lowered t
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him back onto the floor, before wiping his fingers on the sofa. u
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"Yeah... yeah... " said McGiggin, trying to catch his breath, and r
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unstretch his nostrils. "It wasn't me, I swear... but I can't tell you n
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who... they'd kill me..." i
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Popsicle had heard this line so many times it wasn't funny anymore. n
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In fact, it hadn't been very amusing the first time he'd heard it. Like g
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someone who rejects a lot of Mormons, Popsicle had a standard "I'm not
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interested in religion"-style line to answer this. And it was: t
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"Oh yeah? Well maybe I'll let Inspector Unnecessary-Violence do h
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that right here and now to save time?" e
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This was the Inspector's cue to move forward threateningly, and it
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worked a treat, as usual. U
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"All right, all right! It was the Whelans. The Whelan brothers. S
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Okay?"
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"Okay", replied Popsicle. "Have a nice day." i
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n
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t
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That's all for this week. If you haven't o
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voted, vote. And whether you have or haven't,
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check out the results in next week's TCWF! R
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Back-issues are available; reply to this, or u
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send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu s
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ !ydaerla ais
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Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen.
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--
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Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Coming soon...
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Melbourne, Australia------------| ,
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daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| T H E C L I C H E
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B.O.T.Y '92: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu| F R O M H E L L
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"Toxic Custard's been Jeffed!"
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I am surprised, though delighted
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to announce that the winner of the
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Toxic Custard International Bastard
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Of The Year award for 1992 is
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J E F F K E N N E T T
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---------- -------------------
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~ ~~ ~~ ~~~~~~~ ~ ~ ~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~TOXIC CUSTARD~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~WORKSHOP FILES~~~~~
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~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~1st February 1993~~~~
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~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~Written by~~~~~~~~~~~
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~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~~~Daniel Bowen~~~~~~~
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Yes, that's right. Jeff Kennett, facing incredible opposition from a
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range of international bastards, has managed to pull off this award.
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Despite being unknown by the majority of voters, he still managed to
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beat such outstanding bastards as Saddam Hussein and (shock!) Jeremy
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Beadle. Shit, I didn't even need to rig the counting! Before we go into
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a whole range of dubious ANALyses of the voting, here are the complete
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results, with loads of useless footnotes:
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RANK(1) NOMINEE VOTES
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1st Jeff Kennett, bastard premier of the state of Victoria 15(2)
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2nd Saddam Hussein, bastard Iraqi leader 13
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3rd Yugoslavia fighters, bastard thoughtless violent people 12
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4rd Rush Limbaugh, right-wing US broadcasting bastard 10
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5th George Bush, ex-President bastard of the United States 6.5
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6th Paul Keating, Australian Prime Ministerial bastard 6
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Equal 7th Pat Buchanan, bastard US Republican presidential hopeless 5
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James "Kibo" Parry, bastard Usenet Kibology zealot 5(3)
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Modem saboteurs, bastard green men who kill our connections 5
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Equal 10th Daniel Bowen, quite nice author of Toxic Custard *(4)
|
||
|
|
Jeremy Beadle, smug bastard of British telly 4
|
||
|
|
12th Dane Quaylee, bastard ex-Vice President 3.5
|
||
|
|
Equal 13th Robin Leach, bastard rich and famous crawler 3(5)
|
||
|
|
John Hewson, bastard Australian opposition leader 3
|
||
|
|
15th Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, fictional police bastard 1(6)
|
||
|
|
----
|
||
|
|
TOTAL 96
|
||
|
|
(1) Very rank, in fact.
|
||
|
|
(2) At the time of going to press (well, going to keyboard), the latest
|
||
|
|
great thing this bastard's government has decided to do is cut back
|
||
|
|
on the Transport Accident Commission's graphic and highly effective
|
||
|
|
road safety campaign, which is largely credited with bringing down S
|
||
|
|
the state road toll. The money spent in saving so many lives and o
|
||
|
|
injuries has been described as "extravagant" by Kennett's m
|
||
|
|
government. (This information supplied for the benefit of readers e
|
||
|
|
outside Australia, who may be miffed that they haven't even heard o
|
||
|
|
of this award winning Bastard Of The Year.) n
|
||
|
|
(3) Which must be a huge blow to his ego. e
|
||
|
|
(4) Not telling. Actually I'm quite insulted and rather upset to be
|
||
|
|
this high up in the table. *sniffle*. Just wait though. Those s
|
||
|
|
people who voted for me had better watch out, or they'll find u
|
||
|
|
themselves getting 2600 volts up their fingers the next time they g
|
||
|
|
login. g
|
||
|
|
(5) He's one bastard who will never darken my doorway, that's for sure. e
|
||
|
|
(6) And boy, is he mad. He wanted to win. s
|
||
|
|
t
|
||
|
|
And now for the B.O.T.Y. STATISTICAL ANALYSIS - a bunch of quick facts e
|
||
|
|
designed to use up space and prove that my calculator works: d
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
- The number of votes per country (according to my guessing of email t
|
||
|
|
addresses, anyway..) was as follows: h
|
||
|
|
United States 48 (50.0%) i
|
||
|
|
Australia 30 (31.2%) s
|
||
|
|
United Kingdom 6 ( 6.2%)
|
||
|
|
Canada 3 ( 3.1%) v
|
||
|
|
New Zealand 2 ( 2.1%) e
|
||
|
|
Other 7 ( 7.3%) r
|
||
|
|
- 47% of Australians voted for Jeff Kennett. Which shows just *how t
|
||
|
|
much* of a bastard he must be, doesn't it? All the votes but one i
|
||
|
|
for Jeff came from Australia. The other voter said he voted for c
|
||
|
|
him because he *sounded* like a bastard. a
|
||
|
|
- all of Rush Limbaugh's votes came from North America l
|
||
|
|
- 66% of Britons voted for Jeremy Beadle. All of his votes came from
|
||
|
|
the UK. I don't think they like him very much. b
|
||
|
|
i
|
||
|
|
A final note from the Bastard Of The Year election. I'd love to show t
|
||
|
|
you all picture of the winning bastard, Jeff Kennett, but I can't get
|
||
|
|
hold of a scanner and/or a GIF of him. It would be worth it, believe g
|
||
|
|
me, because he even *looks* like a bastard. If anyone can help here, o
|
||
|
|
I'd be obliged...
|
||
|
|
z
|
||
|
|
i
|
||
|
|
Daniel Bowen g
|
||
|
|
Bastard Returning Officer -
|
||
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - z
|
||
|
|
a
|
||
|
|
I've got this great idea... we get some alcohol, a few chairs and g
|
||
|
|
tables, we let everyone come in to chat, or sit outside breathing in ,
|
||
|
|
carbon-monoxide, and then we mix them drinks and charge them $6 a
|
||
|
|
glass! b
|
||
|
|
u
|
||
|
|
$6 EACH?! t
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Well, more if we can get away with it. I
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
OH COME ON, NO-ONE WOULD PAY THAT. $6 FOR A DRINK?! d
|
||
|
|
e
|
||
|
|
No, honest. We'd make a packet. c
|
||
|
|
i
|
||
|
|
AND WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THIS SCAM? d
|
||
|
|
e
|
||
|
|
Well, people are so stupid.. let's have a laugh at them, emphasise d
|
||
|
|
their stupidity in a subtle way.. let's see.. anyone who falls for this
|
||
|
|
would be a dickhead... dick... head... cock is a synonym for dick... m
|
||
|
|
and head.. hmm.. I know, like a coin, heads/tails... cock and tail. y
|
||
|
|
Cocktail!
|
||
|
|
b
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ r
|
||
|
|
No room for Popsicle this week; he returns a
|
||
|
|
next week, along with Inspector Unnecessary- i
|
||
|
|
Violence, and all the gang. Until then, have st, not this week. n
|
||
|
|
fun! Back-issues are available; reply to a
|
||
|
|
this, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. el tA .ti eldnah t'ndluoc
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992.5 Daniel Bowen. We're getting into '93. Eventually.
|
||
|
|
--
|
||
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University-| (It's |-ytisrevinU hsanoM ,newoB leinaD
|
||
|
|
Melbourne, Australia------------| all done |------------ailartsuA ,enruobleM
|
||
|
|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| with |----ua.ude.hsanom.cc.oyoy.leinad
|
||
|
|
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu-------| mirrors) |-------ude.tim.ia.ung@fwct :FWCT
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Why bother with Toxic Custard?"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
======== //== .. .. .===== .. ==== // ..Toxic Custard Workshop Files
|
||
|
|
|| // || || || || _// //__|| Written by Daniel Bowen
|
||
|
|
|| \\ || || ||=== || \\ || 8th February 1993
|
||
|
|
|| \\== \\/\// || || \_// ||
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
WHY DID THEY BOTHER...
|
||
|
|
A
|
||
|
|
- to do that woosy new version of Layla? n
|
||
|
|
o
|
||
|
|
- to upset the status quo by "discovering" Mr Snuffleupugus (or however t
|
||
|
|
you spell it)? h
|
||
|
|
e
|
||
|
|
- to make a new series of Phoenix when all the swearing is going to be r
|
||
|
|
bleeped?
|
||
|
|
c
|
||
|
|
- making the anniversary of Christ's crucifixion at a different time a
|
||
|
|
every year? r
|
||
|
|
e
|
||
|
|
- to replace Caroline Chisholm with the Queen on the $5 note when she's f
|
||
|
|
already on every fucking coin? r
|
||
|
|
e
|
||
|
|
- to put a James Dean clone in that McDonald's ad? It would have been e
|
||
|
|
just as cool without him. ,
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
- to hard-wire the snow lights on every Volvo sold in Australia? f
|
||
|
|
r
|
||
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
|
||
|
|
e
|
||
|
|
MR POPSICLE RETURNS - Part 13 ,
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence now had a target for their l
|
||
|
|
investigations into the Great Truck Robbery. The Whelan brothers, some a
|
||
|
|
more notorious gangsters, well known to police for their bad behaviour. u
|
||
|
|
The Whelan brothers were inseparable. Not Siamese twins or g
|
||
|
|
anything, just very brotherly. They had started their impressive career h
|
||
|
|
of crime at an early age, concreting their kindergarten teacher's feet.
|
||
|
|
To the bottom of the Yarra river. Well, she probably deserved it. f
|
||
|
|
Bitch. The little scamps then went on through a period of corruption r
|
||
|
|
and blackmail in primary school, and kidnapping, extortion and gambling e
|
||
|
|
in high school. They achieved many great goals during this time, e
|
||
|
|
including hiring their first hitman at the age of 12. They then went
|
||
|
|
through university, when they both graduated with honours from the Kray T
|
||
|
|
Academy of Underworld Studies. C
|
||
|
|
It was only natural that they should move into an exciting life of W
|
||
|
|
crime, especially after being recommended to do so by a nervous careers F
|
||
|
|
adviser. Their first business opened in 1985, Whelan Brothers Pty Ltd,
|
||
|
|
Extortion Services To The Gentry. The business was a star of the h
|
||
|
|
eighties, shooting up the stock markets. And banks, building societies, i
|
||
|
|
armoured cars.. Gosh, how exciting. Look, I know they sound like really t
|
||
|
|
nasty people, but wow, isn't it all enthralling? Life of crime, living s
|
||
|
|
on the edge... gangs... shady card games... smoky brothels... oh, the
|
||
|
|
life of a gangster for me! To be walking the alleyways with violin t
|
||
|
|
cases... wearing hats... gunning down rival gang leaders... Crime may h
|
||
|
|
not pay, but it sounds like bloody good fun to me. e
|
||
|
|
Ahem. Maybe we'll get back to the story. Where were we? Ah yes,
|
||
|
|
armoured cars. n
|
||
|
|
This was where Popsicle, and the (few) good men of the Australian e
|
||
|
|
Royal Security Establishment came in. Having got the tip-off that the t
|
||
|
|
Whelans were behind the big armoured car robbery back in TCWF 119, w
|
||
|
|
Popsicle did a little digging around in the Whelans' checkered past. a
|
||
|
|
He and the Inspector inspected the file in the air-conditioned v
|
||
|
|
comfort of the A.R.S.E headquarters. e
|
||
|
|
"Look at this Inspector. Photo of one of their victims. Blood s
|
||
|
|
everywhere. Nostrils stretched beyond all recognition. It would take a .
|
||
|
|
yoga expert ten years to perfect getting his limbs into that position. .
|
||
|
|
And his ears... oh, ugh. And he was only a doorknocking Jehovah's .
|
||
|
|
Witness. These Whelans are ruthless. Sadistic maniacs whose only
|
||
|
|
pleasure in life is to cause human suffering."
|
||
|
|
"Yes, you have to admire them for that".
|
||
|
|
Also in the file was a copy of TCWF 134, detailing the Whelans'
|
||
|
|
career to date, and a copy of their nomination for a Golden Gun award
|
||
|
|
for criminal excellence. But most useful of all - the information that
|
||
|
|
would nail them to the wall and put them permanently behind bars (a
|
||
|
|
little unnecessary if they're nailed to a wall anyway) - was their
|
||
|
|
address and phone number. It had been carefully copied from the
|
||
|
|
telephone book by a daring brave undercover cop early the previous
|
||
|
|
year: "1 Boundary Road, North Melbourne, Phone 326 5555. Just on the--------.
|
||
|
|
corner with Reynolds St and Gracie St. Melways reference 2A D6. Right |
|
||
|
|
near the football ground. About a block from Macaulay Railway Station. |
|
||
|
|
Down the road from the Lost Dogs Home." |
|
||
|
|
Armed with this information, and a number of guns of various sizes, |
|
||
|
|
and appropriate ammunition for each, Popsicle, the Inspector, and 50 of |
|
||
|
|
their closest A.R.S.E buddies headed for North Melbourne. They knew |
|
||
|
|
they had found the place when they saw the big sign declaring: |
|
||
|
|
"W H E L A N K A R T A W A Y". Which meant, at the very least, they |
|
||
|
|
could arrest them for spelling offences. Underneath the main caption, |
|
||
|
|
the sign went into great detail. "We'll kartaway your belongings, day |
|
||
|
|
or night. Preferably night, when you're not home. And we'll beat up |
|
||
|
|
your budgie, drug your dog, komatose your kat, and, well, you just |
|
||
|
|
don't want to know what we'll do to your fox terrier. And if you don't |
|
||
|
|
like it, then tough! 'Cos we're the Whelans. Free quotes on kidnapping, |
|
||
|
|
assassination, blackmails! Phone the Heavy Hotline on 326 5555." |
|
||
|
|
Popsicle prepared the men, and got ready to move. And while he does |
|
||
|
|
that, we'll take a quick week-long break. |
|
||
|
|
|
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .------------'
|
||
|
|
Popsicle, the Inspector, and a whole bunch of |
|
||
|
|
other stupid stuff you don't wanna read returns V
|
||
|
|
next week in the amazing 135th edition of the DISCLAIMER
|
||
|
|
Toxic Custard Workshop Files. Don't know why I
|
||
|
|
bothered? No, neither do I. But I have to do The "Whelan Kartaway"
|
||
|
|
something in my spare time, don't I? Actually, depicted in this TCWF bares
|
||
|
|
that stops it being "spare time". I have to do almost* no resemblance to
|
||
|
|
something to prevent myself having spare time. a certain "Whelan Kartaway"
|
||
|
|
Otherwise I'd end up having too much time to of 1 Boundary Road, North
|
||
|
|
spare. And I can be spared of that. Melbourne. Any resemblance
|
||
|
|
If you're the kind of gullible idiot who is pure coincidence. The
|
||
|
|
can be fooled into wasting your life reading people of the real Whelan
|
||
|
|
back-issues of this drivel, you might be Kartaway are honestly very
|
||
|
|
interested in replying to this mail, or sending nice people, and wouldn't
|
||
|
|
mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details of said even dream of murdering
|
||
|
|
back-issues. anyone.
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now will you stop pointing
|
||
|
|
that thing at me?
|
||
|
|
Copyright (C) 1993 Daniel Bowen
|
||
|
|
-- *Except the name, obviously.
|
||
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
|
||
|
|
Melbourne, Australia------------|HOLLOWSWATCH: Still alive and kicking.
|
||
|
|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----|
|
||
|
|
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Picturesque Toxic Custard"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
TOXIC Number 135 - Special cop-out picture edition
|
||
|
|
CUSTARD Scheduled for Monday 15th February 1993
|
||
|
|
WORKSHOP but actually turned up Tuesday 16th February 1993
|
||
|
|
---FILES--------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Okay, so it's a day or two (or three) late, but here's TCWF 135, a
|
||
|
|
special PICTURE edition!! UUdecode this file, and throw it at a GIF
|
||
|
|
viewing program. (If you have any problems, seek out your local computer
|
||
|
|
geek, who will be able to do it for you, and tell you about that great
|
||
|
|
new hardware he's got, why he thinks Macs suck, what's so awesome about
|
||
|
|
X-Windows, and the what he thinks Intel will do next...)
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
And for you people who can't be bothered, or just can't, TCWF will
|
||
|
|
return to its normal textual mode status next week.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
[This picture will be made available on ftp distribution sites as a
|
||
|
|
GIF format file.]
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Copyright (C) 1993 Daniel Bowen
|
||
|
|
-- Workin' hard at the keyboard
|
||
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Tryin' to write the code on ti-i-ime
|
||
|
|
Melbourne, Australia------------| Debugging and screen design
|
||
|
|
daniel@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au----| Take up all his ti-i-ime..
|
||
|
|
TCWF stuff: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Whoa whoa whoa whoa he's a programmin' man...
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Copyright (c) 1993 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without
|
||
|
|
profit provided this notice remains intact.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
For subscription information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
||
|
|
|