662 lines
45 KiB
Plaintext
662 lines
45 KiB
Plaintext
|
****************************************************************************
|
||
|
|
### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ###
|
||
|
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
||
|
|
# #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # #
|
||
|
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
||
|
|
# # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ###
|
||
|
|
____________________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
# # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### ####
|
||
|
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
||
|
|
# # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ###
|
||
|
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
||
|
|
### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### ####
|
||
|
|
***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
|
||
|
|
*********************PARTS EIGHTY-ONE TO EIGHTY-FIVE************************
|
||
|
|
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
|
||
|
|
(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
|
Fair Dinkum Toxic Custard
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Toxic Custard is viewable only on recycled screens! (This screen has W
|
||
|
|
been displaying other stuff hasn't it? Good, then it's recycled!) e
|
||
|
|
l
|
||
|
|
----------------------------------------- ____ l
|
||
|
|
toxic custard workshop files number 81 ___/ __\_> ,
|
||
|
|
27th january 1992 - australia day holiday / /
|
||
|
|
written by daniel bowen \ I
|
||
|
|
----------------------------------------- AUSTRALIAN WRIT
|
||
|
|
s
|
||
|
|
I went to McDonalds the other day. I don't feel so bad about it since p
|
||
|
|
they stopped putting CFCs into their burgers, you know. You notice they e
|
||
|
|
didn't have a big fanfare about it. They obviously want everyone to n
|
||
|
|
forget they ever *did* use the things. t
|
||
|
|
Anyway, the robots ask for your order, take your money, ask you
|
||
|
|
whether you mind waiting an extra thirty seconds for your fries, then t
|
||
|
|
proclaim that you must, under all circumstances, "Enjoy your meal!" It h
|
||
|
|
seems that recently someone has told them not to add this proclaimation r
|
||
|
|
when all you've asked for is a small bag of fries. "Here are your e
|
||
|
|
fries, skinflint. Enjoy your meal. Oh, is it all you can afford? Well, e
|
||
|
|
maybe you should go and lie in a gutter somewhere, if you're that
|
||
|
|
poor?" And oh yes, it's always fries, isn't it. Not chips, oh no. We're d
|
||
|
|
not plebs here, we serve only fries. No madam, if you want fish and a
|
||
|
|
chips, fuck off to the fish and chips shop. y
|
||
|
|
Of course, it's the school holidays, so once you get your tray and s
|
||
|
|
start looking for a seat your knees are immediately attacked by
|
||
|
|
fifty-seven dwarves running to the toilet at once while battling each t
|
||
|
|
other in small groups with their chocolate sundaes. Embattled in straw r
|
||
|
|
to straw combat while launching a bombardment of thickshakes on their y
|
||
|
|
friends in the corner. And seventy-four teenagers having a pre and/or i
|
||
|
|
post-film fluorescentlit dinner for ten. n
|
||
|
|
Naturally you eat your fries by stuffing them into your mouth two g
|
||
|
|
at a time. You never do that with real chips now, do you. No. It's an
|
||
|
|
automatic mental reaction developed over the centuries through t
|
||
|
|
evolution. As a result, modern man knows when his fries are too thin to o
|
||
|
|
eat one at a time.
|
||
|
|
Your burger packet tells you that it's 100% Australian Beef! If t
|
||
|
|
you're in Australia, that is. In America, no doubt it's 100% American h
|
||
|
|
Beef! In England they'll be eating 100% British Beef (hopefully with no i
|
||
|
|
McMad McCow McDisease). So I wonder, what do they stuff into the n
|
||
|
|
burgers at the McDonalds in Moscow? Not Russian beef, surely. I mean k
|
||
|
|
for a start it would be a bugger to find any that hadn't frozen solid
|
||
|
|
in a train just west of St Petersburg. And if they did find any, it o
|
||
|
|
would probably only enhance the glowing reputation of McDonalds food. f
|
||
|
|
Literally.
|
||
|
|
a
|
||
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Why do clock-radio SNOOZE buttons give you just nine minutes grace? A
|
||
|
|
Just nine short minute's extra time to conserve energy for the u
|
||
|
|
remainder of the rigours of the day. In fact, the SNOOZE button isn't s
|
||
|
|
for snoozing. The nine minutes was calculated by a committee of s
|
||
|
|
Japanese technicians at a conference outside Fukushima in 1973 as the i
|
||
|
|
optimum time that they think you can have a quick snog in. No, I don't e
|
||
|
|
wish to hear from you people out there who can manage it in 9 seconds.
|
||
|
|
Of course, there's those of us who just want to gain a little extra s
|
||
|
|
sleep through judicious use of the SNOOZE button. I've got hitting that i
|
||
|
|
button down to a fine art, even when I do want to get up straight away. d
|
||
|
|
The method favoured by many is to set the alarm clock for 9 minutes e
|
||
|
|
before when you should get up. The other option is to get one of those w
|
||
|
|
combined clock-radio-cassette recorders, and get it to wake you up at a
|
||
|
|
full volume with a tape of the chimes of Big Ben followed by a y
|
||
|
|
recording of your mother screaming "GET UP AND OUT OF BED YOU LAZY s
|
||
|
|
GOOD-FOR-NOTHING!" If nothing else can propel you out of the land of
|
||
|
|
nod and onto the floor, that will. m
|
||
|
|
e
|
||
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - s
|
||
|
|
s
|
||
|
|
Ever had to tell people something that they're expecting slightly less a
|
||
|
|
than the news of World War 3 starting? You talk to them on the phone g
|
||
|
|
and they ask you "what's up", and you first claim that "nothing much, e
|
||
|
|
the usual", before eventually breaking down and admitting that yes, .
|
||
|
|
you're engaged to someone they might never have heard of, but hey, it's
|
||
|
|
all going really well and.. hello? hello? It's about then you call them B
|
||
|
|
an ambulance and vow to announce it to the next person in such a way u
|
||
|
|
that you can render them medical assistance should they need it when t
|
||
|
|
their jaw dislocates itself from the rest of their mouth and falls to
|
||
|
|
the floor in shock. s
|
||
|
|
t
|
||
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
|
||
|
|
e
|
||
|
|
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... w
|
||
|
|
The telephone. Now there's a useful thing. A little box with buttons. t
|
||
|
|
But not just a little box with buttons. With that tiny marvel of h
|
||
|
|
electronics linked to lots of other, larger and more expensive marvels
|
||
|
|
of electronics, you have the ability to talk to people (and c
|
||
|
|
receptionists) down the street, across the city, around the world, and o
|
||
|
|
down the street. You have the power to ring up Telecom to complain b
|
||
|
|
about how high your phone bill is this quarter. Amazing. b
|
||
|
|
And you can ring up a government department and get stuck on the e
|
||
|
|
line for 45 minutes listening to crackly polyphonic boring Muzak r
|
||
|
|
versions of either the latest Kylie Minogue (s)hit, or that very act of ,
|
||
|
|
artistic heresy itself - a version of the Beatles greatest hits.
|
||
|
|
Eleanor Rigby on a xylophone just doesn't have that certain.... Anyway, I
|
||
|
|
why do they do that? Why do that send that crap down the phone line to
|
||
|
|
you? Simple - they're trying to get you to hang up. They don't want the c
|
||
|
|
hassle of having to talk to you. They're a bureaucracy. Pen-pushing o
|
||
|
|
pillocks. They don't want any communication with you whatsoever except u
|
||
|
|
the occasional notice from them to confirm your death. "Dear Sir/Madam, l
|
||
|
|
this letter is to notify you that you are dead." d
|
||
|
|
The latest thing now is telephonic viruses. Be careful who you pick n
|
||
|
|
up the phone to. And remember to always place a condom on the receiver. '
|
||
|
|
t
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
|
All involved deny that the previous stuff you t
|
||
|
|
have been reading was the Toxic Custard h
|
||
|
|
Workshop Files. We must also add that any i
|
||
|
|
rumours that back-issues can be obtained by n
|
||
|
|
mailing tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu are completely k
|
||
|
|
false. And we will refute them until lunchtime.
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
|
||
|
|
f
|
||
|
|
WORDS OF THE WEEK:
|
||
|
|
The new term for a large number of Australians of o
|
||
|
|
below-average intelligence - A Basketball Team. n
|
||
|
|
e
|
||
|
|
-- .
|
||
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
|
||
|
|
Melbourne Australia | You're as sane as meep beep bong beep.
|
||
|
|
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au |
|
||
|
|
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
|
Alcohlic Toshic Cushtard
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Help! Help! Where's my notepad? I'm lost without my notepad! You see,
|
||
|
|
during the week I write all my ideas in my notepad. Such brilliant
|
||
|
|
ideas as "buy a new notepad!" And now it's Sunday, and time to write
|
||
|
|
this stuff. And some git has nicked it. Maybe it's the Tree Liberation
|
||
|
|
people. Listen.. that section of tree has had it as far as treedom
|
||
|
|
goes, right? I know I should have got a recycled one, but I couldn't
|
||
|
|
find any that day. And I promise I'll recycle it when I'm finished with
|
||
|
|
it, so please give it back. Oh, it wasn't them - I just found it on the
|
||
|
|
floor.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
: :::::: ::::::: ::::::: TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
|
||
|
|
:::::: :::::: : : : : : : :
|
||
|
|
: : : : : ::::: ::::::: ::::::: Number 82- 3rd February 1992
|
||
|
|
: : : : : : : : :
|
||
|
|
::::: :::::: ::::::: : ::::::: ::::::: Written by Daniel Bowen
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
PARTY HINTS:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
- Don't have one. You'll be regretting it for the rest of your life, as W
|
||
|
|
every day you'll find another piece of rubbish or a stain you hadn't e
|
||
|
|
seen before. l
|
||
|
|
l
|
||
|
|
- Keep control of the music. Don't let the alcoholic headbanger of the ,
|
||
|
|
party take over or you'll have wall to wall heavy metal all evening as
|
||
|
|
he gets completely pissed and lies in the garden, still banging his i
|
||
|
|
head on the garden path to the Slayer album someone was irresponsible t
|
||
|
|
enough to bring along. '
|
||
|
|
s
|
||
|
|
- Make sure no-one strays from the garden into the house. Grass is
|
||
|
|
easier to clean than carpet, and is considerably cheaper, even if you b
|
||
|
|
do have to mow it. e
|
||
|
|
e
|
||
|
|
- Don't let any electrical engineering students do the lighting. You n
|
||
|
|
could end up electrocuting ten people and blacking-out the state.
|
||
|
|
a
|
||
|
|
- If you're going to have a barbecue, make sure there's someone sober
|
||
|
|
around who knows how to try to work it. Try not to let any intoxicated l
|
||
|
|
persons near the gas supply or the matches. o
|
||
|
|
n
|
||
|
|
- Do not let people who can't cook, cook. g
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
- When using party sparklers, do not wave them at passing aircraft, d
|
||
|
|
particularly when in the vicinity of an airport. a
|
||
|
|
y
|
||
|
|
- Always have a conversation starter ready for the dreaded and ,
|
||
|
|
inevitable lull during the early stages of the party when everyone sits
|
||
|
|
around talking quietly. Experts have identified a condition known as a
|
||
|
|
Sudden Party Global Quietness, whereby everyone suddenly and
|
||
|
|
unexpectedly stops talking at once, leaving only the loud music and the l
|
||
|
|
quiet headbanging from the garden as the only sounds in the otherwise o
|
||
|
|
silent darkness. n
|
||
|
|
g
|
||
|
|
- Try to prevent lights exploding.
|
||
|
|
e
|
||
|
|
- Do not, under any account, let in people that you don't know. Subject v
|
||
|
|
all entrants to interrogation, search and "identify the host" e
|
||
|
|
procedures. n
|
||
|
|
i
|
||
|
|
- Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger bring along n
|
||
|
|
his baseball bat. g
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
- Try not to let the aforementioned alcoholic headbanger and his a
|
||
|
|
baseball bat get into arguments with other guests, no matter how n
|
||
|
|
trivial or insignificant these arguments might seem to be at first d
|
||
|
|
glance.
|
||
|
|
i
|
||
|
|
- Do not encourage those possessing baseball bats to go clubbing. t
|
||
|
|
'
|
||
|
|
- Have someone ready to turn the electricity off at the fusebox to s
|
||
|
|
plunge the house into darkness and silence the moment there is any hint
|
||
|
|
of the constabulary being in the immediate vicinity. And hope they g
|
||
|
|
don't hear a hundred people screaming "What happened to the lights?", e
|
||
|
|
"I can't see a thing!" and "Whoever that is, get your hand off me!" t
|
||
|
|
t
|
||
|
|
- Keep your pets safe out of harm's way. They will probably agree with i
|
||
|
|
this. n
|
||
|
|
g
|
||
|
|
- Purchase plenty of provisions in advance so that people don't have to
|
||
|
|
get lost somewhere in suburbia for hours in search of an open bottle t
|
||
|
|
shop. o
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
- To deal with the neigbours, either buy them a family pack of earplugs b
|
||
|
|
or invite them to get sloshed with everyone else. e
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - a
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
George Bush has announced that the United States will make no more l
|
||
|
|
nuclear bombs. Apparently the US has abandoned the idea of wanting to o
|
||
|
|
destroy the world fifty times over, and will in future be satisfied n
|
||
|
|
with destroying it just once. g
|
||
|
|
Meanwhile Russian leader Boris Yeltsin has said that Russian
|
||
|
|
nuclear missiles will no longer be pointed at US cities. So, it could n
|
||
|
|
be asked, what will they be pointed at? Our exclusive TCWF sources have i
|
||
|
|
been investigating this and have obtained information that reveals that g
|
||
|
|
all Russian nuclear missiles are now pointed at a small outside toilet h
|
||
|
|
three miles north of the outback town of Yalgoo, in Western Australia. t
|
||
|
|
The reason for this is that the recently abolished KGB found that ,
|
||
|
|
someone had written grafitti in the toilet expressing doubts about Mr
|
||
|
|
Yeltsin's sexual preferences, the dimensions and effectiveness of his s
|
||
|
|
genitals, and had likened his facial expressions to the side of Ayer's o
|
||
|
|
Rock.
|
||
|
|
I
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ '
|
||
|
|
The tildestic line above signals that this is the l
|
||
|
|
end of another moronic edition of the Toxic Custard l
|
||
|
|
Workshop Files. Other, older, moronic editions of
|
||
|
|
TCWF are available - reply to this, or send mail to j
|
||
|
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. u
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ s
|
||
|
|
-- t
|
||
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
|
||
|
|
-- s
|
||
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | a
|
||
|
|
Melbourne Australia | y
|
||
|
|
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au |
|
||
|
|
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | z
|
||
|
|
z
|
||
|
|
z
|
||
|
|
z
|
||
|
|
Will someone please z
|
||
|
|
put this signature z
|
||
|
|
quote back where it's z
|
||
|
|
supposed to be? z
|
||
|
|
z
|
||
|
|
z
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
|
Bubblewrapped Toxic Custard pop pop pop
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
When newsreaders have a conversation at home, does a sign light up
|
||
|
|
behind their right shoulder with a little picture of the topic?
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\******* *******//////////////////////////////
|
||
|
|
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES * * * WRITTEN BY DANIEL BOWEN
|
||
|
|
******* ******
|
||
|
|
Number * * * 10th February 1992 T
|
||
|
|
//////////////////////////////******* *******\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ H
|
||
|
|
I
|
||
|
|
SHOPPING HINTS S
|
||
|
|
When you go to shop for some new expensive stuff, such as a new stereo,
|
||
|
|
dress like a slob. That way, the salesmen won't try and push you too i
|
||
|
|
hard into buying something, because they don't think you'll buy s
|
||
|
|
anything because they think you haven't got any money. In fact, you
|
||
|
|
might find it difficult to attract the attention of any of the staff, t
|
||
|
|
with the exception of the security personnel. You might find that h
|
||
|
|
opening your wallet to count your $500 cash will do the trick. e
|
||
|
|
The other problem comes when you've bought the item from the bloke
|
||
|
|
who says "No problems" constantly, and are lugging the big heavy box T
|
||
|
|
home by walking the short distance back from the shop. The box is of C
|
||
|
|
course twice the size of the actual item within, in accordance with W
|
||
|
|
packing standards also commonly applied to breakfast cereals. This also F
|
||
|
|
explains the rattling within. The box will probably not be very heavy,
|
||
|
|
but, also in accordance with packing standards, will be just slightly t
|
||
|
|
too big for you to carry comfortably. h
|
||
|
|
Of course the problem is that you look extremely suspicious when e
|
||
|
|
dressed like a slob carrying a huge box which says "Mitsanyasonic y
|
||
|
|
XLD-3000 Bloody Fantasticly Expensive Thing" in big black letters on
|
||
|
|
the side. Every time you pass someone, you may have to strategically t
|
||
|
|
mention to whoever is with you that you hate "carrying this heavy gear h
|
||
|
|
back from the shop". Do not under any circumstances mention things o
|
||
|
|
which may sound suspicious to passers-by such as "oh man, it was murder u
|
||
|
|
getting it off the back of the truck." It may also be wise to stop g
|
||
|
|
buying expensive consumer electronics for a while and save up for a car h
|
||
|
|
to take home all the expensive consumer electronics which you won't be t
|
||
|
|
able to afford once you have a car.
|
||
|
|
w
|
||
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
|
||
|
|
u
|
||
|
|
Research has revealed that sports commentators scream like crazy to l
|
||
|
|
make sure everyone watching at home is awake when the good bits happen d
|
||
|
|
during the game. The rest of the time, they restrain themselves, merely n
|
||
|
|
making quiet comments so you can doze off. They make sure to turn up '
|
||
|
|
the volume during the commercial breaks so you're awake for that, but t
|
||
|
|
otherwise they let the audience snooze in peace. So that when you wake
|
||
|
|
up, your memory is full of highlights of the game, so you can think it m
|
||
|
|
was a really exciting action-packed fifteen minutes whereas it was in a
|
||
|
|
fact a completely and utterly dull seven hours. k
|
||
|
|
Research has also shown that in a cricket game when there's about e
|
||
|
|
to be a catch, and when, indeed, the ball is in the air, nine out of
|
||
|
|
ten commentators shout "it's in the air...!" Soccer commentators are i
|
||
|
|
well known for shouting "goal!!" while the crowd goes completely crazy t
|
||
|
|
and the players run around hugging each other, making the description .
|
||
|
|
of what just happened also fairly superfluous.
|
||
|
|
T
|
||
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
|
||
|
|
e
|
||
|
|
If you watched the opening of the Winter Olympics, you'd have noticed y
|
||
|
|
the new, novel way of lighting the flame. A fireball from the torch
|
||
|
|
runs up the wire to the flame. Watching this carefully, you'll notice t
|
||
|
|
that the flame lights before the fireball gets to it. Looks a bit h
|
||
|
|
suspicious to me... o
|
||
|
|
So, in search of a good joke, TCWF investigated, and got on the u
|
||
|
|
phone with Jacques de Frog, the designer of the flame. He explained g
|
||
|
|
that there was absolutely no cheating with the flame, but that because h
|
||
|
|
it was built precisely to the French design by French workmen using t
|
||
|
|
French materials, the whole thing was a total cock-up. Apparently
|
||
|
|
although the French are good at blowing up Greenpeace ships and small n
|
||
|
|
Pacific islands, they're no good at lighting fires. So basically the o
|
||
|
|
whole thing was rigged. But the bloke who lit the gas had set his watch -
|
||
|
|
wrong. o
|
||
|
|
Mr de Frog also revealed exclusively to us that Albertville, where n
|
||
|
|
the Winter Olympics are being held, was second choice. They were going e
|
||
|
|
to be held at Aix-les-Bains, but this was changed because apart from
|
||
|
|
the Canadians, none of the foreign television sports people could w
|
||
|
|
pronounce it. o
|
||
|
|
"It's been another tough day for the Australians in the Winter u
|
||
|
|
Olympics at Aches-less-Banes, if that's how you pronounce it. Former l
|
||
|
|
Commonwealth ski-slalom champion Barry Bonza fell down a mountain in d
|
||
|
|
the middle of an avalanche during the heats, was buried under snow and
|
||
|
|
tourist coaches for six hours and was finally found at 3am and taken to l
|
||
|
|
hospital where doctors reported that he had broken every single little a
|
||
|
|
bone in his entire body, including a number that they hadn't previously u
|
||
|
|
known about." g
|
||
|
|
h
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
|
Yes, we're sorry that Irene Busybody hasn't been seen a
|
||
|
|
for two weeks, but she's gone on holiday. She or a t
|
||
|
|
relative of hers will be back next week. Anyway,
|
||
|
|
there are more important things to worry about. There i
|
||
|
|
is terrible hunger and suffering in the world. t
|
||
|
|
Readers who wish to donate to the Make Daniel Bowen A .
|
||
|
|
Very Rich Man By Lunchtime Saturday fund may do so by
|
||
|
|
sending all cash, jewellry, bananas and small blonde
|
||
|
|
furry animals to PO Box 141, Southland Centre For The
|
||
|
|
Terminally Thick Consumer, Victoria 3192, Australia. T
|
||
|
|
Donations will never be seen again, but you are h
|
||
|
|
assured that all proceeds will go straight to the e
|
||
|
|
author. y
|
||
|
|
Meanwhile, if all you want in life is a big desk,
|
||
|
|
a packet of bubblewrap for popping all day long, a w
|
||
|
|
pen you can paint walls with, a big house in the e
|
||
|
|
country with owls in the roof and frightening things r
|
||
|
|
in the moat, a grand piano in the toilet and a e
|
||
|
|
complete set of TCWF back-issues, you can send mail
|
||
|
|
to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details on acquiring the r
|
||
|
|
latter. If you *really want* to. i
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ g
|
||
|
|
h
|
||
|
|
-- t
|
||
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen .
|
||
|
|
--
|
||
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Rumours abound that McDonalds will use
|
||
|
|
Melbourne Australia | robots to make hamburgers. Maccas deny
|
||
|
|
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | that they've been using robots to serve
|
||
|
|
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | the customers for years.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
|
Chocolate Chip Toxic Custard
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Signatures have a vital place on the net,
|
||
|
|
Melbourne Australia | and this is a move to increase the
|
||
|
|
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | visibility of signatures in every day mail.
|
||
|
|
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Looks much better, doesn't it!
|
||
|
|
--
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Good evening, and welcome to Toxic Custard.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
...
|
||
|
|
S
|
||
|
|
Who wrote this crap? i
|
||
|
|
d
|
||
|
|
c d p s r y r T C W F 8 4 e
|
||
|
|
oxi ustar orksho ile umbe ight - ou 17th February 1992 w
|
||
|
|
T C W F N E F by Daniel Bowen a
|
||
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------- y
|
||
|
|
(These title bits just get sillier and sillier) s
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
------------------BUSYBODIES THROUGH THE AGES PRESENT------------------ m
|
||
|
|
---------------A HISTORICALLY COMPLETELY WRONG PRODUCTION-------------- e
|
||
|
|
OG, PREHISTORIC ANCESTOR OF IRENE BUSYBODY, SPEAKS OUT ON.. s
|
||
|
|
s
|
||
|
|
Fire. This "fire" thing, it'll never catch on, you know. It's a totally a
|
||
|
|
flawed concept. You're telling me you can bake a whole mammoth by g
|
||
|
|
rubbing two sticks together? No chance. I mean, I know they go on about e
|
||
|
|
friction and heat and stuff, but does it really work? I went to the s
|
||
|
|
cave sparklighting competition last week, and not one person could get .
|
||
|
|
the competition twig lit. And if they ever do get it going, you can bet
|
||
|
|
it'll just start raining. That'll put paid to that. W
|
||
|
|
Then there's the wheel. The developers are promising mobility to h
|
||
|
|
the masses once they get their wheels coming off the production line. o
|
||
|
|
Now, I might be a prehistoric caveman with the intellect of rock, but
|
||
|
|
even I can see that it's not going to work until they take that wheel w
|
||
|
|
off their heads and put it on the ground. It'll have to turn when it's a
|
||
|
|
vertical, too. Not parallel with the ground. Otherwise, it's just going s
|
||
|
|
to make holes.
|
||
|
|
Those blokes that keep painting themselves green to blend with the t
|
||
|
|
forest, the "Greenies", are rabbitting on at the moment about how the h
|
||
|
|
dinosaurs are nearly extinct, and they reckon we should stop hunting e
|
||
|
|
them for our tribal paint. Well how are we meant to paint our nice
|
||
|
|
pictures on the cave walls and all over each other without paint? After t
|
||
|
|
all, red is the IN colour right now. Anyway, they'll never be extinct. w
|
||
|
|
They'll keep surviving. Dinosaurs will be around as long as dolphins i
|
||
|
|
will be. t
|
||
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
||
|
|
w
|
||
|
|
AIDS. AIDS is a serious problem. We know it can be spread by particular h
|
||
|
|
types of sexual behaviour. And we know it can be spread by sharing o
|
||
|
|
needles during drug use. Scientists considered these two facts, and
|
||
|
|
then conducted nearly two years of research to find another link in the i
|
||
|
|
AIDS chain. Their discovery was terrifying. It's true, AIDS can be n
|
||
|
|
spread by sex, drugs.. and rock'n'roll. v
|
||
|
|
Research continues into the ease of the spread of the virus with e
|
||
|
|
different types of music. But already there is a clear message coming n
|
||
|
|
out - Never, EVER, listen to rock'n'roll without wearing a condom. t
|
||
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
|
||
|
|
d
|
||
|
|
A package arrived the other day
|
||
|
|
Got here quick, only mailed last May t
|
||
|
|
It looked like it was addressed to me h
|
||
|
|
So I took a look and yes, yipee! e
|
||
|
|
ANOTHER m
|
||
|
|
It was well wrapped up so I found a knife <----BORING ?
|
||
|
|
Want to see inside before the end of life POEM
|
||
|
|
Two hours later I had opened it H
|
||
|
|
Nothing good inside, just a load of shit e
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The whole package was dull, totally boring s
|
||
|
|
So out with it all, straight in the bin h
|
||
|
|
And I'm left with the package on my lap o
|
||
|
|
Oh joy, hooray, it's bubblewrap! u
|
||
|
|
l
|
||
|
|
So of course, what can I do? d
|
||
|
|
But pop all the bubbles until I go blue
|
||
|
|
All else doesn't matter, I'll ignore what they say b
|
||
|
|
This bubblewrap keeps me busy for days e
|
||
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
||
|
|
h
|
||
|
|
It's getting harder and harder to use automatic bank teller machines. u
|
||
|
|
Quite apart from remembering the magic number, there is the question of r
|
||
|
|
ensuring that your clothing doesn't clash with the brightly glaring t
|
||
|
|
colours of your card. You wouldn't want to be seen stuck in an ATM
|
||
|
|
queue with a clashing card now, would you? The best solution is to plan a
|
||
|
|
ahead. Compare your various clothing, and join a range of banks that
|
||
|
|
give you different coloured cards, so you can make sure you always have l
|
||
|
|
a card to match your clothing. Actually, it's only got to be a matter o
|
||
|
|
of time before someone develops a chameleon ATM card, which changes to t
|
||
|
|
the right colour no matter what you're wearing. .
|
||
|
|
Then there's actually using the machine. Once upon a time no-one
|
||
|
|
knew when to press which multicoloured buttons. Now of course they've
|
||
|
|
simplified the machines and made them more friendly.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
PLEASE INSERT YOUR CARD TO BEGIN TRANSACTION
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
GOOD MORNING/AFTERNOON/EVENING, MR D BOWEN 4983 28362943. I AM THE O
|
||
|
|
NEW AZ5000 BANK MACHINE. HOW ARE YOU TODAY, MR D BOWEN 4983 28362943? h
|
||
|
|
PLEASE PRESS 1 FOR "FINE THANKS."
|
||
|
|
PLEASE PRESS 2 FOR "PRETTY GOOD." y
|
||
|
|
PLEASE PRESS 3 FOR "NOT BAD APART FROM A SMALL CRICK IN THE BACK OF e
|
||
|
|
MY NECK AND I'VE GOT A SORE THROAT AND A LITTLE a
|
||
|
|
BLISTER ON MY BIG TOE." h
|
||
|
|
PLEASE PRESS 4 FOR "OH MAN, I HAVE GOT ONE MOTHER OF A HANGOVER. BUT .
|
||
|
|
WHAT A NIGHT. YOU'D HAVE LOVED IT, IF YOU WEREN'T A .
|
||
|
|
MACHINE." .
|
||
|
|
PLEASE PRESS 5 FOR "WHY DON'T YOU PISS OFF AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS,
|
||
|
|
YOU STUPID BANK MACHINE PARASITE." i
|
||
|
|
t
|
||
|
|
The next step is an extension of the existing bank machines, following
|
||
|
|
the path of technology and of humankind. It's a new concept in service w
|
||
|
|
for the customer, and will be called the Automatic Bonk Machine, or the a
|
||
|
|
Automatic Wank Machine. The hole in the wall, so to speak. s
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ m
|
||
|
|
Rumours abound that you have been reading another e
|
||
|
|
tropical episode of the Toxic Custard Workshop .
|
||
|
|
Files. Back-issues are still sitting piled up in
|
||
|
|
an imaginery pile.. so please, reply to this mail
|
||
|
|
or send mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu to find out
|
||
|
|
how to imaginerily help us get rid of them.
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
|
--
|
||
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
|
Overwhelmingly POPSICLE! Boring POPSICLE! Toxic POPSICLE! Custard
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
___ ___ __ __ __
|
||
|
|
| | | | |_ |__| |__ Monday, 24th February 1992
|
||
|
|
|oxic |___ustard |_|_|orkshop | iles |__| .__| Written by Daniel Bowen
|
||
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
FOR ALL LOVERS OF THE BORING F
|
||
|
|
Relationships are never easy, but they can be near-impossible for o
|
||
|
|
those of us who have fallen deeply and passionately in love with r
|
||
|
|
someone who is dull, tedious and overwhelmingly uninterestng. Our new
|
||
|
|
manuals explain explicitly, precisely and concisely how to start and a
|
||
|
|
maintain a relationship with people who are totally and utterly l
|
||
|
|
terminally boring. l
|
||
|
|
Titles include:
|
||
|
|
- How To Woo A Train Spotter t
|
||
|
|
- How To Seduce A Stamp Collector h
|
||
|
|
- How To Root A Systems Analyst o
|
||
|
|
- How To Bonk A Butterfly Collector s
|
||
|
|
- How To Attract An Accountant e
|
||
|
|
- How To Screw A Stock Market Yuppie
|
||
|
|
- How To Entangle With An Evangelist n
|
||
|
|
- How To Lie With A Lecturer o
|
||
|
|
- How To Tongue-Kiss A Toxic Custard Subscriber t
|
||
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
||
|
|
b
|
||
|
|
Meanwhile, on the small planet of Spong (population 57 green monsters o
|
||
|
|
with 8 heads each) the Spong Record Industry Association has come out t
|
||
|
|
with the inaugural Spong Rock Charts. h
|
||
|
|
e
|
||
|
|
S P O N G R O C K M U S I C C H A R T S r
|
||
|
|
TW LW WI TITLE i
|
||
|
|
1 - - Splinge On My Mind - Moizodboidisms n
|
||
|
|
2 - - Chloro Girls With Big Mizzens - Bert Wimplezoidfarnon g
|
||
|
|
3 - - The Spong Stuff - Non Flinyins On The Brinc
|
||
|
|
t
|
||
|
|
The shortness of the list can be explained by the fact that with a o
|
||
|
|
population of only 57, that was all the records sold on the entire
|
||
|
|
planet of Spong last week. Non Flinyins On The Brinc are well known on r
|
||
|
|
Spong as the second worst musicians in the universe, and only made the e
|
||
|
|
charts because a 937 year-old Spongian granny bought their record a
|
||
|
|
because she thought it would make a great gift. A copy also got bought d
|
||
|
|
last week by the Spongian Planetary Hospital, as an experiment to
|
||
|
|
attempt to cure constipation. With sixteen ears each, the Spongians t
|
||
|
|
really do have the edge on primitive Earth "stereo". But their audio h
|
||
|
|
products do cost eight times as much. e
|
||
|
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
||
|
|
a
|
||
|
|
Popsicle burst through the screen with more exploding bits of glass c
|
||
|
|
than an exploding glass factory. He was back with a bang, and he knew t
|
||
|
|
it, as he stood tall, riding high on the crest of popularity he knew he u
|
||
|
|
was bound to be riding high on now that the author had decided to a
|
||
|
|
resurrect him for another thrilling adventure in a last-minute effort l
|
||
|
|
to bump up Toxic Custard 85 Monday 24th February 1992 Written by Daniel
|
||
|
|
Bowen to a reasonable length. This, surely, would be enough to make T
|
||
|
|
TCWF a decent size. C
|
||
|
|
Popsicle looked around him, at his surroundings, which were the W
|
||
|
|
things that were around him. Things were looking very bright for him F
|
||
|
|
indeed, so he put his sunglasses on before his eyes sustained any
|
||
|
|
permanent damage. t
|
||
|
|
Dim as usual in the distance, he spotted his all-time best-known h
|
||
|
|
colleague, Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, speeding towards him in a i
|
||
|
|
relatively flat trajectory in a huge and vast police car, terrifying s
|
||
|
|
the people in front of it and polluting the air behind it. The
|
||
|
|
Inspector and the car screeched to a halt on top of Popsicle's left w
|
||
|
|
foot, but Popsicle was far too cool to be bothered by this. He got into e
|
||
|
|
the car and waited until the tyre had left the environs of his shoe e
|
||
|
|
before he pulled his foot inside and closed the door. They were once k
|
||
|
|
more on their way into yet another terrifically exciting and probably ,
|
||
|
|
violent adventurous mishap with some criminal type people of the world.
|
||
|
|
Popsicle, the Inspector and the author held a quick imaginary y
|
||
|
|
conference outside the confines of the story and agreed at gunpoint not o
|
||
|
|
to hold the usual introductory bit at the Australian Royal Security u
|
||
|
|
Establishment headquarters. '
|
||
|
|
In fact, A.R.S.E headquarters was undergoing a move of location due r
|
||
|
|
to complaints about the screaming from the neighbours. When interviewed e
|
||
|
|
by investigative journalist and former lollypop man John Johns, one of
|
||
|
|
them commented "Well, it's all very well them torturing suspects m
|
||
|
|
mercilessly in the horrible depths of the dungeons at the bottom of the i
|
||
|
|
building using ancient and hideous equipment developed by the world's s
|
||
|
|
most evil sadistic maniac bastard scientists, but do they have to do it s
|
||
|
|
when I'm trying to get to sleep? I work an early shift, you know." i
|
||
|
|
So, A.R.S.E headquarters consulted with the music recording n
|
||
|
|
industry and built, at taxpayers' expense, of course, a brand new g
|
||
|
|
sound-proofed headquarters in the inner-city, complete with special
|
||
|
|
tweeter and woofer departments. t
|
||
|
|
Meanwhile, completely independent of the background information, h
|
||
|
|
Popsicle and the Inspector, having dumped the author in a small ditch e
|
||
|
|
next to the road, sped on to wherever the hell they were going. With
|
||
|
|
the sirens blaring so the Inspector could drive as fast as he liked, r
|
||
|
|
and like a complete lunatic, they passed more streets than in a street e
|
||
|
|
directory in less time than it takes to boil an egg. Well, something t
|
||
|
|
like that, anyway. Shall we just settle for "quite fast"? u
|
||
|
|
Popsicle got on the radio, which was conveniently disguised as a r
|
||
|
|
Toblerone. Apart from all the static and stuff which was directly n
|
||
|
|
related to the low effectiveness of a radio disguised as a Toblerone,
|
||
|
|
the conversation went like this: o
|
||
|
|
f
|
||
|
|
Popsicle: HQ.. This is Popsicle. What the hell are we doing in this
|
||
|
|
story? P
|
||
|
|
o
|
||
|
|
HQ: You're the hero. p
|
||
|
|
s
|
||
|
|
Popsicle: No, I mean where are going. What are we doing, and who's the i
|
||
|
|
villain and all that stuff." c
|
||
|
|
l
|
||
|
|
HQ: We don't know yet. The author has vanished. We can't find any trace e
|
||
|
|
of him. Maybe you shouldn't have left him in that ditch. .
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Popsicle: Yeah yeah yeah sure. So what do we do now?
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
|
||
|
|
Well, we're out of time, and so is the author,
|
||
|
|
so that's all of TCWF for this week. Back-issues
|
||
|
|
are still available, reply to this, or send mail (
|
||
|
|
to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details of how to get W
|
||
|
|
your little mits on 'em. h
|
||
|
|
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ o
|
||
|
|
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen '
|
||
|
|
-- s
|
||
|
|
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | As a tribute to band member Harry Wall,
|
||
|
|
Melbourne Australia | who is in hospital, heavy-metal band h
|
||
|
|
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | Megabogue have re-released their early e
|
||
|
|
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | hit "I've Got A Big Dick, Baby". It's ?
|
||
|
|
called the "Remixed Big Dick". )
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
|
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
--
|
||
|
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
|
||
|
|
May be copied or reproduced without permission
|
||
|
|
provided this notice remains intact.
|
||
|
|
--
|
||
|
|
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
|
||
|
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
|
||
|
|
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
|
||
|
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
|
||
|
|
|