473 lines
25 KiB
Plaintext
473 lines
25 KiB
Plaintext
![]() |
You'd have to be really twisted to understand
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****************************************************************************
|
|||
|
### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ###
|
|||
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
|||
|
# #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # #
|
|||
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
|||
|
# # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ###
|
|||
|
____________________________________________________________________________
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
# # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### ####
|
|||
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
|||
|
# # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ###
|
|||
|
# # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #
|
|||
|
### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### ####
|
|||
|
***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
|
|||
|
*************************EPISODES ONE TO FIVE*******************************
|
|||
|
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
|
|||
|
______________________________________________________________________________
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
PART ONE - 12/8/90
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
In the beginning was the writing. But it was dark, and no-one could read
|
|||
|
it, so the author decided to write the start again.
|
|||
|
In the beginning there was a light. But lo, the Lord did try the
|
|||
|
switch and it did not work. And so the Lord did say unto Adam: "Thou must
|
|||
|
travel down the 7-11 for a globe."
|
|||
|
And Adam did hear the Lord, and did do his bidding. The journey
|
|||
|
across the road was long, and dangerous, but Adam did walketh up to the
|
|||
|
traffic lights. And he did presseth the button, and lo! The traffic did
|
|||
|
part down the middle. And Adam did crosseth in peace.
|
|||
|
And Adam did enter the temple of 7-11, and he did consult the holy
|
|||
|
one, "Dost thou have a light-globe?" And lo! They were down the back on
|
|||
|
the bottom shelf. Adam did findeth the globes, and yea, he was shocked at
|
|||
|
the price, and there was a great wailing, and gnashing of teeth. But it
|
|||
|
was too early to go to the supermarket, for it was only the first day, and
|
|||
|
the Lord had not got round to creating them yet.
|
|||
|
So he did buyeth the amazing globe on plastic. And did he make the
|
|||
|
long trek back unto the place of the Lord, and the Lord did say "Thanks
|
|||
|
very much, but it was the fuse."
|
|||
|
But suddenly, there was darkness again, for the Lord had forgotten
|
|||
|
to pay the bill. And Adam did look to the heavens in despair, and walked
|
|||
|
down the corridor into another joke.
|
|||
|
The corridor was long, and full of hidden dangers. And as Adam
|
|||
|
continued down it, he realised, from looking at his new wrist-watch, that
|
|||
|
he was late for the next spoof. Adam, being a student of life, knew that
|
|||
|
it had to be set in a school. But what was happening to him? He looked up,
|
|||
|
and realised that the author was just trying to fill in time. He was using
|
|||
|
ADAM to link to the next stack of jokes! But when would the new spoof
|
|||
|
start?
|
|||
|
The author grinned, gazing into his word-processor. "Only another
|
|||
|
few lines to go", he thought, as he continued to type his glorious prose
|
|||
|
into the keyboard.
|
|||
|
Adam had come to a doorway. Not any old doorway though. This one
|
|||
|
had a door in it. Adam pulled the axe from his hither-to unwritten about
|
|||
|
knapsack, and broke the door down. Bursting into the room, he spotted his
|
|||
|
foe, and with one swing of his axe, took the man's head offffffffffJKRY&%"
|
|||
|
@@s:{}``}
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
OH DEAR. THE AUTHOR SEEMS TO HAVE HAD HIS HEAD CUT-OFF BY A MAN WHO HAS
|
|||
|
JUST COME THROUGH THE DOOR. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW? IS IT REALLY THE END OF
|
|||
|
'THE TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES'? NOT ON YOUR LIFE MATEY. STAND-BY FOR
|
|||
|
THE SECOND INSTALLMENT... COMING SOON TO A MAINFRAME ACCOUNT NEAR YOU.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
______________________________________________________________________________
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Oh no, not another installment of
|
|||
|
____ __ ____ ___ __ __ __ __ __ __ _
|
|||
|
/ /__/ /_ / / / \/ / / / / / /_ / /_/ /_/ / \
|
|||
|
/ / / /__ / /__/ /\ / \__ \__ \_/ __/ / / / / \ /__/
|
|||
|
___ __ ___ __ __ __ __ __
|
|||
|
/ / / / / /_/ /_/ /__ /__/ / / /_/ /_ / / /_ /__
|
|||
|
/_/_/ /__/ / \ / \ ___/ / / /_/ / / / /__ /__ __/
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
B Y - M R - L U X U R Y - Y A C H T - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
|
|||
|
P A R T - T W O - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 1 5 - A U G - 1 9 9 0
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Adam Cohen looked up. He could see the words "Part Two" scrawled
|
|||
|
across the wall. Obviously, the author (whom he had just killed), had
|
|||
|
regenerated. But it was worse. Now he was doing really crappy titles
|
|||
|
made out of back slashes.
|
|||
|
Adam made his way back out the door, into the corridor. He put
|
|||
|
his axe back into his bag, and walked round the corner to his maths
|
|||
|
class.
|
|||
|
* * *
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Mr. Stickleback stalked down the corridor. As he turned the
|
|||
|
corner, two uniformed students ran past him. He cleared his throat,
|
|||
|
and they immediately slowed to a brisk walk. Arriving at the door, he
|
|||
|
checked his tie, then burst into the room.
|
|||
|
Inside the room, the students were standing around, talking to
|
|||
|
one another. As their teacher came in, they began to move to their
|
|||
|
places.
|
|||
|
As if being pleased to have caught them not sitting, Stickleback
|
|||
|
shouted short loud orders. "Right! - Sit! Get your books out. Cohen,
|
|||
|
do up your tie properly." The students began to sit down at their
|
|||
|
desks, carefully balancing their books so that none fell off. Some
|
|||
|
stragglers failed to comply in time, and he screamed at them, as he
|
|||
|
always did. "Sit!!" The pupils began to think of the many other
|
|||
|
places they would prefer to be, as he spoke rapidly.
|
|||
|
"Now, before I begin the lesson I must reprimand you over your
|
|||
|
behaviour. While I realise that this is a co-educational
|
|||
|
establishment, you must realise that members of the contradictory
|
|||
|
gender sitting together is just not on. And I don't want to see it
|
|||
|
happening again.
|
|||
|
"Now!" he continued, "Homework. If I remember correctly it was to
|
|||
|
memorise Pi - that's the ratio of a circle's circumference to its
|
|||
|
diameter - to the 75th decimal place. Well now - who's done it? Well?
|
|||
|
Anyone?"
|
|||
|
Spadger, sitting near the back, was listening to this, and
|
|||
|
thinking, "Oh please God, don't let him ask me..."
|
|||
|
"What about Spadger?"
|
|||
|
Spadger stood up. "Err... no, sorry sir.", he said. "Thanks a
|
|||
|
lot," he thought silently.
|
|||
|
The teacher reacted to this. "'No sorry sir'?", he mimicked.
|
|||
|
"What do you mean, 'No sorry sir'? I'll give you 'no sorry sir'." He
|
|||
|
pointed to the door and sent Spadger out. "Report to the torture
|
|||
|
chamber, now!"
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
The rejected student walked out of the room, shuffling his feet.
|
|||
|
Meanwhile, Mr. Stickleback continued at the same fast pace.
|
|||
|
"Now, in today's lesson, we shall be studying the use of calculus
|
|||
|
when using the wave harmonic theory of historical perception - and
|
|||
|
its applications in working out the brand of washing powder to buy.
|
|||
|
So in this way..."
|
|||
|
He was slowing down now, not really paying attention to what he
|
|||
|
was saying, moving stealthily towards one of the front desks; where
|
|||
|
one of the girls appeared to be sleeping; carrying his ever-present
|
|||
|
metre-long ruler.
|
|||
|
"... you can work out which breakfast cereal powder is - the -
|
|||
|
really - good - buy." He stopped, brought the ruler down loudly on
|
|||
|
the desk, and spoke quietly.
|
|||
|
"O'Donald? Are you listening?" There was no response. He spoke
|
|||
|
loudly now.
|
|||
|
"Come on girl - sit up! I - hello?" There was still no answer, so
|
|||
|
he bellowed.
|
|||
|
"Can - you - hear - me?!<21>Hello?!" As there was still no sign of
|
|||
|
life, he prodded her with the ruler, and came to a conclusion.
|
|||
|
"Oh. She's dead." He pointed the ruler at a couple of nearby
|
|||
|
unfortunates. "You and you, put her in the incinerator, will you?"
|
|||
|
They could not refuse.
|
|||
|
"Yes sir." With some difficulty, they carried the corpse out. The
|
|||
|
teacher called after them.
|
|||
|
"Oh, and you may as well go to the detention room afterwards. Now
|
|||
|
where was I?... Ah yes." He began to write various mathematical
|
|||
|
gobbledygook on the blackboard as he spoke.
|
|||
|
"Now, first we must realise how the ratio of the primary factor
|
|||
|
to the third sequential lobster in this random geometric sequence
|
|||
|
divided by that lobster there will result in the indexed logarithm of
|
|||
|
the quotient. Nod your heads." at this point, someone queried him.
|
|||
|
"Yes Hayes?"
|
|||
|
"Sir, what's lobster got to do with this problem?"
|
|||
|
"Lobster?! What are you talking about? Report to the guillotine.
|
|||
|
Now - where was that formula I was going to ... what was it", he
|
|||
|
pondered. By this time, the remaining students were looking
|
|||
|
completely bewildered.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
WHAT HAS MR. STICKLEBACK FORGOTTEN?
|
|||
|
WILL THE MATHS CLASS BE LIBERATED BEFORE LUNCHTIME?
|
|||
|
WILL THE WRITING OF THIS STUFF IMPROVE BY THE NEXT EPISODE?
|
|||
|
WILL THE FIRST WORD OF THE NEXT SENTENCE BEGIN WITH 'W'?
|
|||
|
NO.
|
|||
|
IS ANYBODY STILL READING THIS SHIT?
|
|||
|
WHAT'S THE POINT OF WRITING IT?
|
|||
|
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?
|
|||
|
WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'FORTY-TWO'?
|
|||
|
WHY DOESN'T THIS THING FINISH?
|
|||
|
THE ANSWER TO ALL THESE QUESTIONS AND LESS...
|
|||
|
IN PART THREE... COMING UP AFTER THE NON-TEACHING WEEK
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
______________________________________________________________________________
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Here's a double helping of
|
|||
|
___ ___ __ __
|
|||
|
| | | | | | |
|
|||
|
| H E | O X I C | U S T A R D | | | O R K S H O P |_ I L E S
|
|||
|
| | |__ |_|_| |
|
|||
|
_ ___
|
|||
|
|_| A R T | H R E E 2 7 / 8 / 9 0
|
|||
|
| |
|
|||
|
_ _ _
|
|||
|
| | | R I T T E N |_| Y | | | R . | U X U R Y - |_| A C H T
|
|||
|
|_|_| |__| | | | |_ |
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Rocket Roger whipped out his gun out, faster than a cheetah wearing
|
|||
|
"go-faster" stripes. In less time than it takes an ant to do a
|
|||
|
push-up, he had shot down the huge oncoming alien monster. He dashed
|
|||
|
over to the fallen figure of the princess, and put his hand firmly on
|
|||
|
her ... OH SORRY, WE SEEM TO HAVE PICKED UP THE WRONG PLOT-LINE. I
|
|||
|
THINK THIS BELONGS TO SOME POXY SPACE SAGA, SET WHEN MEN WERE REAL
|
|||
|
MEN ETC. ANYWAY, BACK TO THE STORY .... medical supplies. NO, NO THE
|
|||
|
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES STORY. Oh sorry. Back to the maths
|
|||
|
class.
|
|||
|
Stickleback, obviously having forgotten what he was going to do,
|
|||
|
resorted to memory exercises at this point. He put his ruler on the
|
|||
|
desk, walked over to the blackboard, and hit his head violently
|
|||
|
against it several times. The pupils ceased to look bewildered and
|
|||
|
began to look bored. After a while Stickleback stopped, having
|
|||
|
remembered.
|
|||
|
"Ah yes. Now." He rubbed off the board, and started to write
|
|||
|
extremely complicated formulae, very messily, in the hand of one who
|
|||
|
is writing with a broken arm, all over the board. He stopped, looked
|
|||
|
casually over his shoulder and said quietly, "All right. Copy this
|
|||
|
down." Moving back to his enormous desk, he pressed a button on his
|
|||
|
stop-watch, and began timing thirty seconds on it. It was one of
|
|||
|
those really neat stop-watches which could tell you the time in
|
|||
|
twenty different places around the world, and, if you were lucky,
|
|||
|
where you were as well. Just another little labour-saving device,
|
|||
|
which could aid one in the enjoyment of life. His mind moved on to
|
|||
|
food, and that delicious lobster he had had the previous night.
|
|||
|
Meanwhile, the class were writing furiously into their notebooks.
|
|||
|
The thirty seconds was finally up. "Right - that's enough time",
|
|||
|
said the teacher.
|
|||
|
There was a protest. "But sir -". He shrugged it off.
|
|||
|
"Quiet! Another word from you and I'll have you all executed.
|
|||
|
Now!" Without another word, he rubbed the board off completely and
|
|||
|
began to write the numbers from one to ten, pausing and looking
|
|||
|
thoughtful between six and seven.
|
|||
|
"Right!" he continued. We're going to learn something new! This
|
|||
|
is a very complicated non-algebraic mathematical integral notation,
|
|||
|
which we shall learn sequentially, known as counting."
|
|||
|
"We've done this before", called out Cohen, a rather outspoken
|
|||
|
individual, a quality which never brought him good luck at school. He
|
|||
|
seemed to think he was special just because he had been in all the
|
|||
|
episodes of 'The Toxic Custard Workshop Files' so far.
|
|||
|
"Shut up!! You!" Stickleback was pointing. "Go and muck-out the
|
|||
|
principal's office!" Yet again Cohen was being kicked out of maths
|
|||
|
into another joke.
|
|||
|
Someone else joined in the protest. "But sir -"
|
|||
|
"You too! You're right - we've done this before - last week I
|
|||
|
believe. It doesn't matter though. We'll revise it. You start
|
|||
|
Bradley!"
|
|||
|
"One", replied the ever-keen Bradley, ready for any challenge.
|
|||
|
"Um... yes", confirmed the learned teacher, checking his notes.
|
|||
|
"Two", called out the next person.
|
|||
|
"Right"
|
|||
|
"Three"
|
|||
|
"Right. You next Heazlewood", said the teacher. But Heazlewood, a
|
|||
|
rather lazy student - and, in the circumstances, suicidal - had not
|
|||
|
been listening, something that Stickleback didn't particularly like.
|
|||
|
"What?"
|
|||
|
Stickleback, alert as ever, looked up. "I beg your pardon?", he
|
|||
|
said.
|
|||
|
"Sorry?", said Heazlewood, still wondering what was going on. By
|
|||
|
this time, however, Stickleback knew exactly what was going on, and
|
|||
|
reacted to it in his normal manner.
|
|||
|
"Do you mean you haven't been listening?!?" he screamed. "Get up!
|
|||
|
We've been doing a complex oral exercise, and you haven't been
|
|||
|
listening?!? You little ... I'll have you whipped for this!!! You
|
|||
|
stinking pile of ..." At this point, his words became rather
|
|||
|
obscured, as two men in white coats rushed in and grabbed him,
|
|||
|
managing to stuff something down his throat as one of them spoke.
|
|||
|
"All right Mr. Stickleback - it's time for your pills now."
|
|||
|
Within seconds, they had gone again, and Stickleback was left
|
|||
|
alone at the front of the room, feeling his throat. An odd-sounding
|
|||
|
grunt came from his throat, and then he was back to normal.
|
|||
|
"Erg... now! Heazlewood - out!"
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?
|
|||
|
WILL THE PILLS STUFFED DOWN MR.STICKLEBACK'S THROAT CAUSE HIM TO CHOKE,
|
|||
|
GASP FOR BREATH AND COLLAPSE IN A HEAP ON THE FLOOR? OR WILL THE
|
|||
|
CHEMICALS IN THE PILLS CAUSE AN EMOTIONAL REACTION, CAUSING HIM TO
|
|||
|
VISIT A PSYCHIATRIST, WHICH IS ANOTHER JOKE ALTOGETHER. OR PERHAPS
|
|||
|
NOTHING LIKE THAT WILL HAPPEN.
|
|||
|
WELL, YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT ACTUALLY, BECAUSE THE AUTHOR, IN HIS
|
|||
|
EXTREMELY FINITE WISDOM, HAS DECIDED TO MAKE THIS A DOUBLE
|
|||
|
LENGTH T.C.W.F., TO MAKE UP FOR THE LOSS OF IT DURING THE NON
|
|||
|
TEACHING WEEK HERE AT MONASH.
|
|||
|
SO, ENOUGH OF THESE SUPERFLUOUS CAPITAL LETTERS. AND BACK TO
|
|||
|
THE DYNAMIC, ORIGINAL, REFRESHING AND EVER SO SILLY STORY.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Mr Stickleback was in a minor carpet-eating rage by now. But he
|
|||
|
decided to save it for when the poor defenceless students wouldn't be
|
|||
|
expecting it. Kick them when they're down...
|
|||
|
He headed for his desk, picking a piece of paper on it. "I have a
|
|||
|
message from your English teacher, Mr. Maniac. He says that your
|
|||
|
homework is to memorise 'Macbeth' word for word. And you are to
|
|||
|
recite it to him tomorrow." Just then, he saw something in the corner
|
|||
|
of his eye. He pointed to it.
|
|||
|
"You! Using a calculator! Right - you can have lines tonight. I
|
|||
|
want you to write out 'I must not use a calculator in Maths' seven
|
|||
|
million times."
|
|||
|
"Now sir?" Stephens, the culprit asked.
|
|||
|
"No! Not now - do it at lunchtime. That'll give you plenty of
|
|||
|
time to..." At that point, he was interupted by a P.A. announcement.
|
|||
|
He turned to face the loud-speaker, stood rigidly before it and
|
|||
|
saluted. Static emanated, and a distant voice came forth. A telephone
|
|||
|
rang urgently in the background.
|
|||
|
"Err... announcements for tomorrow: Executions will be at dawn.
|
|||
|
Torture Group One at nine o'clock, and Torture Group Two at
|
|||
|
nine-thirty."
|
|||
|
When the announcement had finished, Stickleback relaxed. "Stand
|
|||
|
at ease", he said, as he began to pace around the room, only to be
|
|||
|
interupted by another announcement, at which he again saluted the
|
|||
|
loudspeaker.
|
|||
|
"Oh and Mr. Sadist, could you please return my horse-whip to me
|
|||
|
sometime today?"
|
|||
|
The teacher again relaxed. "Right you lot - get on with your
|
|||
|
work."
|
|||
|
The students all looked busy working, but Stickleback began to
|
|||
|
nod off. After all, he had had a long day, and was getting tired.
|
|||
|
Wouldn't the school run smoother, he thought, if it had no
|
|||
|
students...
|
|||
|
Two students, next to each other, noticed this, and one began to
|
|||
|
lean over to the other to say something. Suddenly the teacher's arm
|
|||
|
sprang up and pointed to the door. The hand connected to the arm
|
|||
|
clicked its fingers, and the first student left the room.
|
|||
|
Another teacher entered, and all the students instinctively rose.
|
|||
|
"Ah! Hello Mr. Ectoplasm."
|
|||
|
"Hello Mr. Stickleback. Just got a note for you", replied the
|
|||
|
visiting teacher.
|
|||
|
"Oh. Thank you."
|
|||
|
"Not at all Reg - Mr. Stickleback" he corrected himself. He left,
|
|||
|
and the students sat down again. Stickleback read the notice out to
|
|||
|
the class.
|
|||
|
"Class, I have just been notified of the time of the Nuclear
|
|||
|
Holocaust Drill. It will be", he paused, "Now!"
|
|||
|
A bell went off, and the students were all looking bewildered
|
|||
|
when Stickleback urged them into activity.
|
|||
|
"Hurry up, get on with it. Come on! You know - Nuclear Holocaust
|
|||
|
Drill!"
|
|||
|
The students were now getting into the spirit of the thing, and
|
|||
|
began to simulate dying, lurching around the room and eventually
|
|||
|
collapsing. The teacher went back to his huge desk.
|
|||
|
"Right. Now to call the roll. Bannikoff?" There was no answer.
|
|||
|
"Good. Bradley?" Again, the sound of silence.
|
|||
|
"Cummings? ... Good. Dandens? ... Good. Evans?"
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
IS THIS THE END OF THE MATHS CLASS?
|
|||
|
'FRAID SO, THIS JOKE'S GOT RATHER TIRED NOW.
|
|||
|
WHAT TWISTED STORY-LINE WILL THE MANGLED MIND BEHIND
|
|||
|
THIS FARCE THINK OF NEXT?
|
|||
|
FIND OUT, IN PART FOUR OF 'THE TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES',
|
|||
|
COMING UP ON WEDNESDAY, 29TH AUGUST.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BIBLIOGRAPHY:
|
|||
|
If you've enjoyed reading this file, you may or may not enjoy
|
|||
|
reading Diary'90, which is not available from the author unless you
|
|||
|
plead with him.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
FILMOGRAPHY:
|
|||
|
If you've enjoyed this experience in reading, then you may enjoy
|
|||
|
abusing your ears and eyes to the sight and sound of 'The Book Of
|
|||
|
Diary 90', which is not available from anywhere near Alpha-Centauri.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
DISCOGRAPHY:
|
|||
|
If you've enjoyed reading this file, you may also enjoy listening
|
|||
|
to a floppy disk called "Double Sided High Density". You won't hear
|
|||
|
much, but people will stare at you.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOXOGRAPHY:
|
|||
|
If you've found this to be an enriching and stimulating experience,
|
|||
|
you may enjoy turning on your funny box with buttons on the side at
|
|||
|
about 9:30pm Tuesday night, and turning the dial to '2', to watch the
|
|||
|
new series of ***THE BIG GIG***
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
BOGOGRAPHY:
|
|||
|
If you haven't enjoyed reading this file, then you can bog off.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
FILOGRAPHY:
|
|||
|
If you've enjoyed reading this file, the you may enjoy reading the
|
|||
|
story of ROCKET ROGER. Just mail a lunatic called "The Mad Scribe
|
|||
|
at rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu notifying him that he is a complete
|
|||
|
telephone box, and including your account number. Many abusive
|
|||
|
comments... no sorry, many funny letters arranged in amusing
|
|||
|
combinations will then be forthcoming. Was that okay, Mr Scribe sir?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
______________________________________________________________________________
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Get down and get depressed! Its
|
|||
|
__ __ __ __
|
|||
|
\ he \ oxic \ ustard \\\orkshop \_iles <----Pathetic-+
|
|||
|
\ \ \_ \-\ \ |
|
|||
|
Part Four 29/8/90 |
|
|||
|
Written by Mr. Luxury-Yacht |
|
|||
|
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - | - -
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
Adam Cohen was depressed. Not just depressed, injured. He had |
|
|||
|
gone to his Maths Class, had been kicked out, ordered to muck out the |
|
|||
|
school principal's office, and been injured, when a large deposit of |
|
|||
|
bullshit, which had just come out of the principal's mouth, had |
|
|||
|
landed on him, not only causing him to smell as badly as a computer |
|
|||
|
programmer, but also breaking his leg. But what really pissed him off |
|
|||
|
was the miniscule titles that were now being drawn by the author.-------+
|
|||
|
Adam had become even more depressed when he had sat down to use
|
|||
|
his IBM-PC in the small cave with striped wallpaper that he lived it.
|
|||
|
He had bought the cave at an auction, under a government cave-buying
|
|||
|
scheme. Fact is, the only things that would fit into the cave were
|
|||
|
Adam, his pet IBM-PC, and the stray mongoose that provided the
|
|||
|
electricity. This is what happened when Adam used his computer.
|
|||
|
C:\> dir
|
|||
|
CONFIRM FORMAT C: (Y/N)? n
|
|||
|
OKAY, FORMATTING C: no no no
|
|||
|
CONFIRM FORMAT C: (Y/N)? n
|
|||
|
OKAY, FORMATTING C:. PRESS ESC TO ABORT.
|
|||
|
esc esc esc!
|
|||
|
CONFIRM FORMAT C: (Y/N)? n
|
|||
|
OKAY, FORMATTING C:
|
|||
|
esc esc esc esc!
|
|||
|
YOU'VE HAD YOUR CHANCE SUCKER.
|
|||
|
WIPING F.A.T.
|
|||
|
esc esc esc esc!!
|
|||
|
TOO LATE NOW. HAHAHAHA FORMATTING...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Adam by this point as depressed as a man who had been shot by a
|
|||
|
Fascist regime for liking the colour green. So, the mongoose
|
|||
|
suggested that he visit a psychiatrist. The first visit had been
|
|||
|
reasonably successful, despite the psychiatrist asking deep
|
|||
|
penetrating questions about his relationship with a local tree.
|
|||
|
It was time for the second visit...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
- AH, MY BOY, SO YOU ARE BACK AGAIN FOR YOUR DIAGNOSIS. COME IN, COME IN.
|
|||
|
- Well, the thing is that I spoke to another doctor.
|
|||
|
- VOT DO ZAY KNOW, MY BOY. ZAY HAVE NOT THE EXPERIENCE IN CLINICAL
|
|||
|
PSYCHOLOGY ZAT I DO! I GOT HD FOR PSY192! NOW! TO YOUR DIAGNOSIS.
|
|||
|
- Um, actually I don't think I...
|
|||
|
- NOW, YOU HAVE BIG PROBLEMS MY BOY. BIG BIG BIG BIG PROBLEMS.
|
|||
|
- Yes I know, I've got a broken leg, and I can't walk properly.
|
|||
|
- NO NO NO, MY BOY. I HAVE BEEN INVESTIGATING YOUR SUBCONCIOUS, AND I HAVE
|
|||
|
COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT YOU HAD A REPRESSED CHILDHOOD. BUT MORE
|
|||
|
SIGNIFICANT THAN THAT, YOUR BROKEN LEG IS CAUSED BY SEVERE SEXUAL
|
|||
|
PROBLEMS.
|
|||
|
- What?
|
|||
|
- A COMBINATION OF CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE, PSYCHO-SEMITIC DISORDERS AND A
|
|||
|
GUILT FEELING IN YOUR SUBCONCIOUS HAS CAUSED YOUR LEG TO REJECT THE
|
|||
|
LEADERSHIP OF YOUR BRAIN, AND ATTEMPT SUICIDE, THUS, BREAKING ITSELF.
|
|||
|
- You're not serious.
|
|||
|
- MY BOY, ZIS IS VERY SERIOUS! I HAVE CONSULTED PAST CASE BOOKS, AND HAVE
|
|||
|
COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT MUCH OF YOUR BRAIN IS CONVINCED THAT YOU
|
|||
|
ARE TURNING INTO A FROG.
|
|||
|
- Rebbit.
|
|||
|
- ON ZE OTHER HAND, I COULD BE WRONG...
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
(The preview of next installment courtesy of Reich-Nazi Pty Ltd).
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
VOT WILL HAPPEN TO THE INFERIOR JEWISH SCUM ADAM COHEN?
|
|||
|
VILL HE BE SWEPT ASIDE BY THE GLORIOUS GERMAN ARMY INVADING
|
|||
|
THE PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE? VILL THE BRILLIANT ARYAN MIND OF
|
|||
|
DR.FROGENSTEINBERG BE PUT TO WORK ON A GLORIOUS NEW
|
|||
|
WEAPON FOR THE REICH TO BLAST ZE SCHWEINHUND ALLIED FORCES?
|
|||
|
YES, IF WE HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE NEXT VUNDERBAR
|
|||
|
EDITION OF 'ZE TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES!' SEIG HEIL.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
OH DEAR. WELL, IF WE MANAGE TO REPEL THE GERMAN ARMY, WHO ARE CURRENTLY
|
|||
|
BATTERING DOWN THE DOOR WITH A LARGE KNOPFWURST SAUSAGE, PART FIVE WILL BE OUT
|
|||
|
ON MONDAY 3RD SEPTEMBER.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
YOU TWISTED MINDS WHO HAVE ENJOYED THIS DRIVEL MAY ENJOY THE AMAZINGLY
|
|||
|
BORING STORY OF ROCKET ROGER.
|
|||
|
Just send some mail to the Mad Scribe at rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu,
|
|||
|
notifying him that he is a complete extension cord, and including
|
|||
|
your account number. Many words arranged in amusing combinations will
|
|||
|
then be forthcoming. Was that vunderbar, Mr Scribe sir?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
_______________________________________________________________________________
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
--
|
|||
|
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
|
|||
|
May be copied or reproduced without permission
|
|||
|
provided this notice remains intact.
|
|||
|
--
|
|||
|
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
|
|||
|
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
|
|||
|
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
|
|||
|
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
|