141 lines
7.9 KiB
Plaintext
141 lines
7.9 KiB
Plaintext
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO
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OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO"
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OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO'
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OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO"
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OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO'
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OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #24 |
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The Night That Changed My Life
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by Locutus of Borg
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********************: A DISCLAIMER! READ FIRST, EH!
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This story is mostly ficticious. Well, somewhat. Most have the
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events have base in actual real-life situations. I guess it would
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be better to present them in actual, uneditied form, but where's
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the fun in that? And any resemblance to people living or dead is
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entirely there for a reason, so zark off. OK, enough with this
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silly gunk, on with the text!
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------*
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It was a dark and stormy night. Well, actually, it was dark and
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rather clear. A little too humid, but overall rather nice out. That whole
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stormy bit was just included for effect, so there. Anyhow, this fateful
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night began as I was driving down a bumpy country road in my jesus-mobile.
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(nickname is from my job: a door-to-door Home Crucifixion Kit salesman). As
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I made a sharp turn, i saw him. I could hardly believe who it was, but it
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was the King himself! I was a little amazed at the prospects of seeing
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Elvis on this date, so to verify it was him, I rolled open the window and
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shouted "ELVIS!!". His head snapped back, caught sight of my sleek 1968
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station wagon, and took off.
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By taking off, I don't mean he ran as fast as he could or anything
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like that. He really took off. The glitzy sequins on his jacket popped off,
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providing a cushion of compressed air. I tried to follow him in my car, but
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he had floated over a barn. I was not about to drive the industrious
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Jesusmobile through numerous sleeping farm animals, so I comforted myself
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with the sight of Elvis flying higher...higher....higher.....until his air
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ran out, and he plummeted straight to the ground, and ungracefully went
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through the roof of the barn. I lept right out of my sputtering symbol of
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American craftsmanship and raced into the barn. When I got in there, i had
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to advert my eyes from the disgusing view presented to them. It seemed
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Elvis had fallen on a gnu, saving himself, but the gnu was quite dead.
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This was evident from the now-covered barn walls with gnu-blood. Icky.
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Elvis was now sleeping peacefully on the mangled gnu, looking like
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an ugly, obese baby. I tried picking him up, and stuffing him in my car,
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but to no avail. I was saddened by this, as I had to show my friends my
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find! But it wouldn't work, he was just to flargling big. Then I got a
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great plan: tie him to the back of the car! I grabbed some rope from the
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barn's wall, tied Elvis's hands to the back fender, and tied his legs to a
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skateboard. After I was satisfied with my knot-tying, I leaped into the
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Jesusmobile and hit the accelerator.
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So there I was, doing 50 on some country road with one of the
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biggest rock and roll stars ever tied to the back bumper. I was just, o so
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happy. Until, that is, I saw the flashing lights of a local policeman in
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my rear-view mirror. Well, I wasn't about to stop and chat with them, being
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I had a body being dragged behind my car, and they wouldn't like that too
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much, I decided to floor it.
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The Jesusmobile lurched forward to an amazing 60 mph. I was
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astounded by the lack of speed. I cursed, pounded, and bonked my car, and
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explained to it how the law specifically states 'bodies can not be tied to
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a back of a motor vehicle without a permit', and how I didn't have a
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permit, and if we got stopped, we would be in deep-o shit. All my pleadings
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must have reached the heart of the vehicle, and it took off.
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When I say 'took off', I mean it accelerated, it didn't do any
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nifty flying like Elvis did. Hey, it is only a car. Anyhow, it quickly
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reached 108 mph, and I was rejoicing. Then I heard a loud <-SNAP->, and I
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quickly looked behind me. I saw the King's body roll off into the darkness.
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I almost wept even. Instead, I whipped the wheel around, skidded, hit a
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small shrubbery, and lost a rotted old cross off my roof that was utilized
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for the training and practice of would-be crucifiers.
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Anyway, back to the story. I sped back to where the string had
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broke, and noticed a small trail of sequins going down a different road. I
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followed the trail until it suddenly stopped in a mini-mall. I've always
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hated mini-malls, ever since I was a schoolboy. They were the root of all
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things evil to me then, and now. I cautiously entered the parking lot and
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began to search frantically for any sign of the King. I checked the
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garbage, shrubberies, roadkill, Romeo's Pizza (run by Koreans), A small
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Chinese food resturant (run by Russians), and a bagel store (run by Arabs).
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Basically everywhere in the whole mini-mall. I was distraught. I struggled
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to maintain my composure, until I realized i never had any composure to
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begin with. I felt better after that. I trudged back to my
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ready-for-scrapheap Jesusmobile, when I tripped and fell over something. To
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my amazement, I found (no, not Elvis) a hammer and some very large nails.
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"Hey, what the hell is this doing here?!?", I shouted to the
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pavement, as I scooped it up. I recognized it as the last sale I made, to a
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Mr. John Cristel. I was pissed at the blatant disregard over this fine
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product, manufactured by Mr. Picard. I charged blindly over to the nearest
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pay phone, and grabbed the handy Phone Book. I let my fingers do the
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walking, and this is what I found..
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"Chriss C..." No..
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"Christensen L..." No..
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"Christ J..." N-Hey wait a second..
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I could not believe my eyes! Jesus Christ in the phone book!
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Amazing! I was so suprised I shouted out, "Oh my God, I found Jesus
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Christ!". Then Elvis, who was watching me while I blindly ran past him
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before in my mad rush for the phone, muttered,"Hmph...Always in the last
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place you look, eh?". Then he vanished.
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Well, that was the night that changed my life. I still have
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Christ's number to this very day. I've been meaning to call, but what
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should I say?
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"Hello, is this the Messiah?"
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"Jesus? How've ya been? How's the hands?"
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"Hello there! What do you think of the Saints chances for the Super
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Bowl are?"
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See, none quite work. I'll just have to contact him in my own way.
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And you can find Jesus too...just look in your phone book.
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[>> Phoenix Modernz Inc. :908/830-TANJ <<]
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[>> Modern Textfiles Inc. The Matrix BBS:908/905-6691 <<]
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[>> The Lawless Society Inc. CyberChat BBS:908/506-7637 <<]
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[>> -also- <<]
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[>> Terrapin Biscuit Circuit:908/506-6651 <<]
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