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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
####========================================================####
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 2, 32
####========================================================####
"One year and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
Hmm dunno. There's really going to be no intro this time around. I decided
that I had best get my act together here and send out a Purps before our
new subscribers and old subscribers lynch me or something.
Life at my end has been this terrible greek tragedy and constant fire storm
of divine hell. [This this weekend I was supposed to upgrade our system but
at the last minute the boss decided he needed to do something important. Oh
what fun.]
Anyways so you don't get no stinking intro this time. I just whacked this
together over the past half hour or so. I chopped out a lot of stuff I have
received seeing as I needed to respond or edit it or something of that
nature. Anyways, sorry for the misspellings and what other weirdness crept
in. Hail Creiza.
An with the Show....
Yes it's "By the Seat of the Pants Issue!"
[Let me also add I wish I could have commented on some of this stuff to do
it justice because it's pretty neat.]
[Oh hell. Why not? Okay this issue contains the amazing secrets of the much
talked about Bar Trek. Study them carefully. You may be tested on them when
Ragnarock rolls around.]
####===================================================================####
News of the Weird Returns
####===================================================================####
[The infamouse New of the Weird Woman was back on line for a few days, and
she sent out a fist full of her amazing NOTW stuff. Hopefully over the next
while you'll been seeing the various bits she sent out. Too bad she
couldn't have stayed on for good.]
Date: 26 Oct 91 16:51:00 EDT
From: "STEPHANIE R KLEIN" <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: NOTW
From the Chicago Reader, 11 October 1991:
In July an Illinois appeals court ruled that attorney Albert B. Friedman
could not collect the entire amount he had billed a female client for
handling her divorce because some of the hours billed included time the two
of them spent having sex. Friedman was also notified recently by the
Illinois Supreme Court that he had been appointed to the court's Committee
on Character and Fitness.
Police in West Yarmouth, Massachusetts, arrested four people at the
Windrift Vacation Resort who were loading TV sets they had stolen from the
hotel into a getaway taxicab.
Jason Ray William was sentenced to 90 days in jail in Houston after
pleading guilty to stealing a $150 ferret from a pet store by putting the
animal down his pants and trying to walk out. The arresting officer said
he remembered frisking William just a few weeks before in response to a
suspicious-person report and finding a four-foot python wrapped around
William's leg.
Baylor University freshman Kyle Krebs was ticketed by campus police in
April for breaking wind in violation of the campus ordinance prohibiting
obnoxious odors (designed for such phenomena as smoke bombs). Krebs said
he wasn't directing his act at officers: "They were so far away, and cars
were driving by. I never thought the decibel level would be so high he
would hear it." The ticket was eventually dismissed.
From the May 17 Fort Walton Beach (Florida) Daily News: Steven Parker of
Fort Walton Beach said he'd confronted a man trying to open a screen door
at his home at four in the morning. "When confronted, the man, who
appeared confused, ran in circles, pulled a revolver from his pants, told
Parker to leave him alone or he'd shoot, and then made noises as if the gun
were firing. The man then fled."
Ivan Hillar, 61, owner of an antique store in Santa Monica, California, was
arrested last November after he pulled a gun on a customer to enforce his
store's "no browsing" rule. (The customer left."
####===================================================================####
THE WRESTLING ELVIS
####===================================================================####
From: gateh%CONNCOLL.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu
Date: Wed, 23 Oct 91 12:13:46 EDT
Subject: Re: random rhizomes
> Elvis started out at a little two bit character in an Otisian vision I had
> long ago and look what has happened. Sheesh! Then again we need to do all
> we can to support the man who will some day save us from the forces of the
> Antichrist.
Wow, that really fills out the Professional Wrestling/Government
Warehouse theory nicely. A new, vibrant, cloned Elvis managing
hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of nattily dressed, over-built
professional wrestlers in what can be called nothing less than the
Mother of all Steel Cages Bouts with the Antichrist. And the whole
world teeters on the edge of their seats, listening to the blow by
blow account as it is piped over their dandy plastic watches.
"Smash him with a plastic chair!!!!!", screams Elvis.
Gee, perhaps this should be an addendum to my original contest entry.
I'll leave it in your wisened hands.
[stuff deleted]
Seizure! - Gregg
####===================================================================####
So Now the Truth Comes Out
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 29 Oct 1991 12:32:47 EST
From: "When the the breezes are blowing our ships will going, when they
don't we shall all stand still...." <hillv@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: submit! submit!
I respond to James' accusations and point out teh deficiencies in his
statement (only a single major would be guilty of such obvious errors)
From: VAX001::HILLV "When the the breezes are blowing our ships will
going, when they don't we shall all stand still...." 28-OCT-1991 15:49:58.02
To: HILLV
CC:
Subj: purps
Date: 16 Oct 91 18:14:00 EDT
From: <carrott@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: His Most Esteemed Archbishopric's Acceptance Speech
To: "hailotis" <hailotis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu>
>What you may have heard from Vic The Slightly Heretical
what's this heretical stuff?? I worked at a Christian camp, damnit!
>is untrue. as the official pimp
the arch-bishop is single, some pimp you are
>and translator to his Archbishoproscity, and (unlike The Vic)
>being present at the ordainment of our esteemed religious potentate, i will
>now convey unto the various minions of OTIS (in all of their various states
James can't even locate Massachusetts, site of Otis, MA on a map
>of sobriety and sanity) THE TRUE AND UNBIASED (and probably politically
>correct)
I'll let that one pass
>ACCEPTANCE SPEECH OF ARCHBISHOP CHAD THE FORCIBLY ORDAINED! (hail
>OTIS!)
>it all began that evening, when Jeophey I (our even more esteemed
>papalness), saint Zeck and I sat around a table at gund discussing the
>aesthetic aspects of yak mating rituals. All of a sudden, the table was
>SWATHED IN A MIGHTY WHITE LIGHT (significant religious passages emphasized
>for your worshipping pleasure)
>and A VOICE FROM OTIS ON HIGH (whether legally or not) cried out: "DESPITE
>WHAT YOU FOOLS DID TO MY CAR LAST NIGHT, I WILL GRANT YOU A CHANCE TO
>CONTINUE THE GREAT KENYON TRADITION OF RANDOM OTISIAN WORSHIP! I HAVE
>CHOSEN A BEARDED ONE TO GUIDE YOU!"
Now, wait a moment. I was also at dinner that night, and Geoffe and I were
discussing the various merits of the English department, while Zeck moaned
about not knowing what to major in while James stared listlessly at his
plateful of ARA and occasionally whispered Jen's name. There were no white
lights present, mighty or otherwise; the charming track lighting in the Gund
Dining Hall is a sort of puke yellow.
>after the white light left... and after Jeoffee and I recovered from the
>blinding dazzle of Saint Zeck's beret...
At that point, Eileen, the Patron Saint of Patron Saints had not yet bestowed
her sequined beret upon Mr. Zecchin. In any case, Zeck would never have the
courage to wear it to dinner.
>We were overcome with the urge to look for the BEARDED ONE.
As I recall, James' exact words were "Lets go ordain Chad while you're still
sober." Theree was never any serious intention of ordaining Scott 'cos Kenyon
needed a spiritual figure in residence, rather than yet another contributing
figurehead to Purps.
>the nearest two bearded ones we could think of were St. Scott and St. cHAD,
>who were upstairs rubbing sticks and fondling balls on a felt table.
Actually, the nearest two bearded ones were food service employees--
>We vaulted up the stairs, leapt into the game room, and subdued the BEARDED
>ONES. after some debate, and a healthy amount of coin tossing (we were yakless
>at the time) we came to the conclusion that the real GUIDE would defy the laws
>of gravity. immediately cHAD was hefted upon the shoulders of those
>involved, and, with a hearty "hail SPODE!", launched across the room into
>the waiting arms of Saint Zeck the Love Bunny. Scott, however, dropped like a
>rock. When cHAD had recovered from his tossing, he rose up, and in a blaze of
>bearded glory spoke forth: "ok, ok... hail OTIS. Now will you guys fuck off?"
>--Saint James of Nothing Yet, Deacon of Cluelessness; pimp and translator to
>His Eminence Archbishop cHAD
--as corrected by the Wombat
####===================================================================####
DISNEY SECRET RADIO FREQUENCIES
####===================================================================####
Date: Sat, 19 Oct 1991 09:43:04 GMT
From: Bob Vaughan <techie%NETCOM.COM@pucc.PRINCETON.EDU>
Subject: Re: Disney Frequencies Galore
In article <1991Oct18.170410.10067@network.ucsd.edu> brent@network.ucsd.edu
(Brent Jones) writes:
>Since we're on the subject, does anyone have a list of the DisneyLAND
>frequencies for those of us in CA?
>
>Brent
From Government Radio Systems, by Bob Kelty
(Highly recomended, an excellent reference for California)
Disneyland - Anaheim, Ca
number color function frequency pl tone
0 black security 464.325 R floats & music
1 brown maintenance 464.5375R 194.0
2 red common 464.6375R 194.6
3 orange maint/custodial 464.4125R 195.2
4 yellow sp event/firewks464.5125R 195.6
5 green entertainment 464.4875R 196.0
6 blue security 464.4625R 204.6
7 purple countywide 462.575 R 205.0
8 gray not used 205.6
9 white trains/monorail 464.7625R 206.0
10 silver ride control 464.0375R 206.6
SP1 security 154.570 207.2 parade
SP2 submarines/shows154.600 207.6 spare
page paging 154.625 208.0 queing & fireworks
CB motorist assistance as posted
hotel security 462.575
Note: the pl tones are listed exactly as in the book, they are non-standard
tones.
all frequencies listed the "R" suffix are repeater frequencies.
I also have frequencies for Knotts Berry Farm, if there is interest.
####===================================================================####
Government in Action
####===================================================================####
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 1991 20:01 HKT
From: "Ed Spodick, HKUST Library, x6743"
<LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
Subject: As if you did not already have enough reason to doubt the American
political system...
---- Included Message ----
Received: 10-22-91 16:30 Sent: 10-22-91 16:31
From: PRODHP:ACTIV-L@UMCVMB.BITNET
To: Multiple recipients of list ACTIV-L ACTIV-L@UMCVMB.us.oracle.com
Subject: Rep. Sullivan's letter in full
Reply-To: PRODHP:ACTIV-L@UMCVMB.BITNET
Reply-To: Activists Mailing List <ACTIV-L@UMCVMB.BITNET>
Sender: Activists Mailing List <ACTIV-L@UMCVMB.BITNET>
SEND REPLIES TO: REP. LEONARD E. SULLIVAN
STATE CAPITOL
OKLAHOMA CITY, OK 73105
-------------------------TEXT-OF-FORWARDED-MAIL--------------------------------
For your reading pleasure, the open letter from Rep. Sullivan to
President Van Horn of the University of Oklahoma, as it appeared
in the _Oklahoma Daily_. The capitalization, punctuation, and
spelling are original.
Dear Dr. Van Horn,
Please fire Professor Anita Hill as soon as she returns to
the O.U. campus. We must get this "Left Wing Extremist"
influence off the campus before it spreads further. When the
O.U. Law Dean attends a class where a Professor dances on a desk
top in some incoherent protest and doesn't intervene or fire her,
may indicate that we have already gone too far, and are returning
to Fred Harris-Black Panther Days on campus.
We can't afford to have a high profile professor on campus
that millions of Americans, according to polls and National talk
shows, believe is a fantasizing lier <sic>. It appears possible
that Miss Hill concoted <sic> this story on here <sic> own, but
here <sic> is also evidence that she is a pawn or tool of "Left
Wing Extremist" groups that are dedicated to destroying Judge
Thomas.
We know Professor Hill has flaunted that she can now come
out of the closet because she is tenured at O.U., and can't be
fired. However, you must realize that she will only remain at
O.U. if she fails in her bid to bring down Judge Thomas. If this
"Nobody" Professor can bring down a Supreme Court nominee, she
will have book and movie deals, and $10,000 per "pop" speaking
engagements before every "Left Wing Extremist" group in the
United States and will not wish to be handicapped by teaching.
I will be pleased to head a fundraising drive from private
sources to raise the monies required to buy out or otherwise
remove Professor Hill from the campus and hopefully our State.
I have often wondered what I would do if "Big Foot" (no
reference to Long Dong Silver), ran across the road in front of
my car. I have always thought I would not tell anyone to avoid
the ridicule that would follow, realizing, that I could never
alligation <sic>.
We also know that I could "make up" a "Big Foot" sighting
tonight and others would have sightings tomorrow night. America
is wondering why Anita Hill, an attorney, would bring these
outrageous charges without one "speck" of truth.
Professor Hill is a disgrace to the Civil Rights movement.
Rev. Martin Luther King, and untold thousands of Civil Rights
activists were attacked by dogs, water hoses, bombs, guns, and
every conceivable type of harassment, and never once, did one of
these great people make a decision on what was best for the
"career ladder." Americans lost all respect for Miss Hill when
she said she sold her pride, integrity, and self respect for job
security.
Please redeem our Oklahoma values of fair play and honesty
by announcing to the World that Professor Hill has been fired.
Sincerely,
Leonard E. Sullivan
House of Representatives
District #82
----- End Included Message -----
I guess people will vote for any semi-literate bozo in an election.
-Spode
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 1991 20:31 HKT
From: "The Mighty Spode" <LBSPODIC%USTHK.BITNET@YALEVM.YCC.Yale.Edu>
Subject: some of you may be wondering if the previous posting could be a hoax...
some of you may be wondering if the previous posting could be a hoax...
so - someone else wondered, too - so.......
===
---begin included message---
Subject: Sullivan again...
I just called the capital again. There is no representative Sullivan from
Oklahoma, either. Or from any other state.
There is, however, a STATE representative Leonard Sullivan. A call to his
office got me in contact with the representative in person! He explains that
he wrote the letter in a fit of anger in pen on a yellow pad, and didn't even
proof-read it after his secretary typed it up. He tells me that he epxects
that Prof. Hill will be in no danger as she is protected by state and federal
contract, being tenured and all. He assures me that he is not seriously trying
to get Prof. Hill removed from her position, but simply reacted off the cuff
because the proceedings had upset him.
So the letter wasn't a hoax. Nor is there a serious move to get Prof. Hill
removed. And it would fail if it were serious.
---end inclided message---
<>er - that's 'included' <embarrassed look>
####===================================================================####
SPODE SPOTTING
####===================================================================####
Date: 28 Oct 91 13:59:00 EDT
From: "STEPHANIE R KLEIN" <kleinsr@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: Spode sighting
Yikes! I've seen a Vision of Spode!
Every year, on the Saturday before Halloween, the Peeps o'Kenyon throw
a big shindig. Before he wandered off to Hong Kong, Spode usually managed
to show up for this event.
This year I was hanging out on the patio outside the party, listening to the
band play Werewolves of London... and there, out of the corner of my eye, I
saw Spode (in body, though not in spirit). I don't know if this guy INTENDED
to dress as Spode for his Halloween costume, but he had hair like Spode's, a
beard like Spode's, long flowing white robes like Spode might wear to the Peeps
Halloween party. Wow. I traveled 350 miles to come to this party, and was it
ever worth it.
There were also lots of people wandering around with Otis symbols stuck to
various parts of their bodies. And after the party, Archbishop Chad
demonstrated his remarkable talent for removing empty kegs from trash cans.
HAIL OTIS! HAIL ROTUS! HAIL LOTUS! HAIL SPODE!!!!
####===================================================================####
The Truth About Club 33
####===================================================================####
From: mikkelson@breakr.enet.dec.com (snopes)
Subject: Club 33
Date: 20 Oct 91 23:43:54 GMT
Yesterday Patti and I had occasion to dine at that holiest of afu shrines,
Club 33, so I can now personally attest to some of the Club 33-related FAQs:
T. Glass elevator takes patrons upstairs.
T. Club 33 serves alcohol. (Patti personally verified this several times,
and I'm going to be in big trouble when she reads this.)
F. Club 33 is the only part of Disneyland with its own address, which was
needed to obtain a liquor license. (The other shops and restaurants on
Royal Street also have their own addresses.)
Fb. Animated, talking vulture converses with guests in the Trophy Room.
(The waiter said that it no longer moves or talks; however, we couldn't
even find a trace of it in the Trophy Room.)
U. Ladies' restroom features talking bathroom fixtures. (Nobody would
speak to them first, and *I* wasn't about to go in there.)
T. Mickey Mouse personally delivers cakes to patrons celebrating birthdays.
T. Dinner is expensive and consists of small portions.
- snopes
####===================================================================####
BAR TREK!!!
####===================================================================####
Date: 23 Oct 91 17:42:00 EDT
From: "BERTRAM A TUNNELL" <tunnell@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: Bar Trek
Here is the best list I know of... HAIL OTIS! - Bert Tunnell
STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
DRINKING GAME
RULES
Have one sip of beer per successfully met condition
Anybody:
'Open hailing frequencies'
'Medical emergency'
'Belay that order'
'Energise'
'Hell','Damn' and other swearing. See Rikers special swearing
rules.
Picard:
'Make it so'
'Engage'
'Come' - two if said in personal quarters
'Captain's log' - two if supplemental
'Proceed'
'Number One'
Worf:
'Impressive'
'Admirable'
'Grrrrr' ( A simple sneer qualifies)
Data:
'Fascinating'
'Accessing'
DRINK WHENEVER:
Riker swears - two drinks; three if it's 'hell'; whole beer if he
asks 'what the hell is going on'
Riker walks forward as if he's trying to knock an imaginary door
down with his forehead.
A female character has flawless makeup after she's been through the
ringer.
Picard straightens his uniform
Data's innards are revealed
Data uses his strength
Data is cut off mid sentence - two drinks if it's a list of
synonyms.
Geordie's visor is taken or knocked off
Beverly can't figure out some bizarre medical problem
Deanna senses something really shocking
Deanna gives us Betazoid insight into something really obvious
O'Brien has a line (this gets brutal after the third season - weak
drinkers may pass)
A crew member drinks - two if it's Picard; three if it's Picard
drinking tea; four if the tea is identified as Earl
Grey.
A bridge officer is shown in casual clothes (one drink per scene,
per officer) = two drinks if it's Beverly in a
sweater; two drinks if it's Picard in his bedwear
revealing chest.
A bridge officer appears in dress uniform (one drink per scene, per
officer)
Every time somebody is addressed by his or her first name - two if
there's some kind of sexual tension going on.
Every time they use transporter room three.
A shuttle craft seems like an unsafe place to be.
Somebody reads a book.
Somebody preaches the Prime Directive - two if it's NOT Picard
Somebody preaches about Humanity's Unique Potential
Picard has an accident or is attacked - two drink; three if it
draws blood
Picard is possessed - four drinks
An 'old earth saying' is brought up - two if Data has to have it
explained to him.
Patrick Stewart tries to speak French
Wesley talks back to his Mom.
Somebody implies that Ten Forward is a Happening Place
They fade for an advertisement playing the 'ominous horns'
Klingon is spoken - two drinks per scene in which Klingons are
alone and have no obvious reason to speak English
but do anyway.
Each scene in which a nifty new Romulan ship is shown
There's a token alien in the background with no lines - two if it's
a Vulcan.
Yellow Alert - one drink
Red Alert - two drinks
Intruder Alert - three drinks
Another Captain or Star Fleet Command officer is on screen.
There's a countdown
Every time a bridge command is handed over
The Enterprise crew avoids a confrontation instead of blasting
away.
Each scene in which the Enterprise actually fights (shots must be
fired) - two drinks.
Whole beer whenever the saucer section separates.
They contact somebody on the communicator/intercom without going to
a panel or touching anything.
A communicator isn't working or is blocked - two if it's out of
range.
New Trek contradicts a fact from Old Trek (Unfortunately, players
may be too drunk to adjudicate this rule)
You're thirsty
-This game was designed and written by no attributable source.
{ed Clearly a drinking game beyond the capacity of most humans.}
--
Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.on.ca
(ie. jokes which won't be funny if not given immediate attention.)
Anything that is not a joke submission goes to funny-request@looking.on.ca
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
####===================================================================####
A Submission
####===================================================================####
Date: 21 Oct 91 22:27:00 EDT
From: "BERTRAM A TUNNELL" <tunnell@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: RE: Purps 31
Hello...this is really the first thing I've sent...so I am not sure how you
want this. I think this Purps thing is wild and I figured it was about time I
submited something of value....
He sat alone in the room...the lights long since turned off, every
person with half a brain and an inkling of who Clarence Thomas was had already
meandered their way to their beds.
SNIFF
His sinus' were driving him crazy and the mucus started to roll. He was
on page 2 of a 15 page essay due tommorrow at 8:00am sharp, no excuses.
"Shit, shit, shit..." SNIFF
He leaned forward slowly as his eyes bled into the screen...he felt at
loss, he felt as if the world should end right then and there.
Then something happened, something so utterly amazing that one simple
mind at 3:25am in the morning could never comprehend truly. A drop of mucus
lept from his nose in a suicide dive determined to not be caught by the
horrible tissue beast. The bit of mucus landed with a slight "punk" between the
letter G and H and was not seen again...
As the mucus slide down it met the circuits that made the keyboard and
systematically the electrons were ripped from their atomic bonds sending them
through the mainframe and escaped out into the world. The small power surge
took on speed and size wreaking higildy-pigeldy throughout the small town in
the midwest. Lights started losing their glow, tv's turned on and off, Mrs.
Smith around the corner burned her english muffins...and still it grew...it
grew exponentially ever second as it skimmed energy from every source that it
passed frying power substations and distracting dogs as they went to sleep.
Little lights started beeping at NORAD...the US's key to it's entire
nuclear defensive platform.
"Sir..." a young black woman said suddenly.
"Shadup..." a fat army sergent belched between bites of a jelly donut.
"But sir..." the woman protested as the blip started gaining the status
of a beep.
The bulbous man turned around, ignoring her pleas.
The mucus driven lightning flew faster as it dove into a world of cold
steel power grids. It approached a lone mountain which housed NORAD with
increased speed.
"SIR!!!!!" the woman screamed getting up from her seat as all the
little blinking lights and things that go "PING" started to waver.
"What the hell do you keep on bothering me for you B....." was the last
thing as he said as he was thrown across the room by a surge compressor which
the power surge laughed at. The coroner would later report that in fact he was
not killed by the out of surge protector, but by a fermented glob of jelly
which his family sued the jelly donut corporation of the world and earned
itself a dozen donuts and a rasberry slushie.
All the nuclear warhead bases throughout the country started to shudder
as the bomb-bay doors swung open. NORAD was in a state of chaos...air-raid
sirens across the world were screaming...George Bush was being shaken awake by
Barbara saying, "George you man...I want you so badly"
The nuclear missiles rumbled in their place as they approached
pre-launch when suddenly the nosecones of every missile started to turn slowly.
Later, this phenomena of coincidental turning of nuclear missile nosecones
would be called the, "What the hell is going on?" syndrome. Finally, with a
tremendous thud all 3363 nosecones fell to the bottom of their silos revealing
not a nuclear jello mix ready to destroy the world, but in fact...
all the ozone which has been missing from our atmosphere.
Later, this was all blamed on Saddam Hussien, and on all arabs in
general including a few far-right socially unconsious feminist support groups
for those whe thing Star Trek is an ok show but think Wesly should have been
killed.
I hope I made Otis proud, and if not proud...
maybe just a bit sillier for the better.
-Bert Tunnell
####===================================================================####
Another Submission
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 23 Oct 91 17:46:07 -0400
From: rcs62697@zach.fit.edu (Ian Koss /ADVISOR Baggs)
Subject: Re: Call for Submissions!
[stuff deleted]
REbEL and Raw find OTIS, and buy him an ice cream cone, which he promptly
drops in a fit of ennui.
Begin:
I leaned across the eigth KruisaSeat in as many minutes to further tweak
the EQ of the Winnebago's MagmaSound stereo. Shopping for a new Heaven
(or Hell) on Wheels, the thirteenth one I believe, was going to be more
of a royal pain in the ass than the previous ones had been, partly because
of my shattered credit rating (financing the other twelve, you know) and
completely because there were only twelve Winnebagop dealers in the REbEL's
ComfortTravel vicinity. That meant that I would have to frequent a dealership
that was already wise to the REbEL's Guerilla Consumer Tactics.
More highs, about 3 db in the 4k frequency.
"Are the windows shatterproof on this on?" I asked the grinning gaping sales
crony, jamming an additional 20 db at the 25k. His smile shattered like a
Memorex glass as he controled an urge to jam his fists squarely into his
eardrums. My 25k's, of course, had long since departed for sensory heaven.
"Yyyyyyyyyyyyyy..."
No use prolonging it. I switched the MagmaSOund off.
"es. Shatterproof, plus as I already mentioned, they polarize against
lasers, and the beautifully crafted anti-mine undercarriage is crafted..."
I knew all that. After all, this model was undistinguishable from last
year's except for the adition of the guide-by-wire missile mounts. I
told him so.
"That's right, Mr. REBEL..."
"REbEL," I corrected.
"...Mr. REbEL, it is. And this agency can hardly forget your exemplarily
bad credit record. I'm afraid that whether you wish to take this model
or a simple set of windshield-wiper louvres, you shall need someone to
cosign the credit agreement..."
"Ah, yes, my cosigner. Come on up and meet the nice agent,Raw."
Raw poked his gaping maw through the screen door. His left incisor snagged
on the bug shield and tore a nasty rant in it.
Raw: Hair of an unwashed Ramone (an ORIGINAL Ramone, not cleancut C.J. et
al), head of a forgotten trunip, eyes that didn't match, a nose that would
have made itself an uninvited guest on a cacerous potato, ears like dried
apricots, a mouth that was constantly trying to outsmile your nervous
grimace and a shaggy, hulking body hidden beneath a black trenchcoat that
was oddly redolent of baby powder.
Needless to say, we got the Heaven (or Hell) on Wheels XIII.
It was at a STOP sign that we got our first GO sign. The four letters
rearranged themselves, the counter on the P falling away to form the upper
part of a question mark, leaving a much distracting I (STOI?) that seemed
unsure of its alphabetical legitimacy. Oh, I forgot, they rearranged
themselves, into (OTIS?) OTIS?!
A pox on punctuation. Had they simply spelled OTIS, we would have
dismissed it as part of our partaking of a controlled substance (in this
particular case, Dioxin). But not even our rapidly malforming minds
would have thought of adding that question mark, that harbinger of
doubt, the demander of explanation...
Continue?
####===================================================================####
An Intro to a New Member
####===================================================================####
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 91 23:56:15 CST
From: "Reverend John" <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
Subject: Re: Boy you two are in the dog house now
[stuff deleted]
oh I sent a message to Sevarain or however you spell it. It is
reprinted below. Does this get me out?
Rev
####===================================================================####
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 91 11:11:59 CST
From: Rev <UC521832@UMCVMB.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: DATA TIMECODE TRANSMISSION X-2255 BARLOCK Q-SERIES
To: Suzerain <fz4x@cornella.cit.cornell.edu>
>>>LOGIN
... satellite uplink in progress ...
... scramble delta initiated ...
... zeta correction requested ...
>>>HELLO 2255
... contact established ...
... begin transmission ...
>>>READY TO RECEIVE
display (msg)
GET retinascan
IF scan=1
THEN GO
ELSE option(boom)
>>>RETINASCAN=1
... go ...
Hail Otis! I hope this reaches you in the fullness of time, the tide of life,
and the echoes of the canyon. May the mysteries of manifoldosity spread
themselves before you with the consistency of Quaker Oats and the urgency
of a shotgun.
I am Rev, and I wish to welcome you to OTIS-land, our stunning new
amusement park and civil defense center. It may not look like much now but
HAIL OTIS it's going to kick in a little bit...
As a new OTISian (and, I gather, a recent initiate into the internet) there
are a few things you need to do. Being an OTISian has a lot of
responsibilities as well as obviously being the only reasonable thing a
sane person should do. Some of these responsibilites come in the form of
dangers.
Suzerain, I ask that, for your own good, you please do the following.
1) check any and all doors that lead into or are within your place of
living/sleeping/eating/worshipping OTIS/etc. look on the narrow edges of
the door itself, the sides where it touches the door jam. The bottom edge
will be kind of hard to see because it's probably against a rug or something,
but you can run a knife along under it to check. What you are looking for
is a strip of tin foil, yes, tin foil, between 1 1/2 and 2 3/4 inches long,
and about 3/4 of an inch wide. This tin foil may be affixed to one of the
narrow edges of the door. If you find any, REMOVE IT AT ONCE.
2) Build yourself a tin foil helmet and dichrome brain net. Instructions
should appear in the next issue or two of purps, courtesy of Dr. Morpheus.
3) Read all the back issues of PURPS (available from Mal). Discover FOR
YOURSELF which ones suck and which ones have vital info needed for the next
stage of life on earth (and elsewhere).
4) Finally, spread the word of OTIS. Not sure what it is? Neither am I. But
it doesn't stop me from doing it. The easiest way to start this is just to
begin dropping references to OTISian subjects in your daily life. You might
say 'Hail OTIS!' when good things happen to you. If you see something you
don't like, mutter about 'those damn Zachinthians.' And if you want to
let someone know just how inferior and ignorant they are, just shout at
them 'Oh yeah?? Well where the heck will YOU be when they turn the
Reality Projector off, buster???'
Enjoy and eat hearty,
Rev
uc521832@umcvmb.missouri.edu
####===================================================================####
THE ARCHBISHOP'S VERSION OF BAR TREK
####===================================================================####
Date: 24 Oct 91 22:52:00 EDT
From: "CHAD E HESSOUN" <hessoun@vax001.kenyon.edu>
Subject: as per your request
Presenting....
The Much Heralded...
The Greatly Awaited (assuming no one else sent them)...
Official HAIL OTIS Bartrek HAIL SPODE Drinking HAIL LOTUS Rules HAIL ROTUS
********************************************************************************
********************************************************************************
By Dan Sissman, Chris Aylott, Toby Elliott, and various other redshirts.
These rules were originally inspired by a document entitled "Star Trek Drinking
Game Rules" compiled by David Vangerov of UCSC. This is NOT an updated version
of those rules, but a completely different document. These rules are far more
comprehensive, and are so complex they border on sentience. If you use them
properly, you too will border on sentience by the end of an episode.
The material contained herein is a
trademark-copyrighted-semi-public-domain-shareware-trade-secret. Any
distribution of these rules must be done in a non-profit fashion or the culprit
will be transported into the middle of a Klingon slam-dancing contest. Any
similarity to being living, dead, or otherwise is strictly in good fun, so
loosen up, already!
I: GENERAL
1: PRIME DIRECTIVE: Keep in mind, the "rules" presented herein are ONLY
GUIDELINES! Feel free to ignore any of them, or to create new ones on the
spur of the moment. Remember, you never really NEED and excuse to drink while
watching Trek. This is not a competition, merely an exercise in art
appreciation. No wagering, please.
1a: P.S.: The only rule you must absolutely, positively, not in any way
violate, ignore or throw out (aside from this one) is Rule number 1.
1b: ACCEPTABLE TRADITIONAL BEVERAGES: Beer (Old Swill preferred), Sgt.
Peppers(1), Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters, Saurian Brandy. Basically, anything
but Boors(2). ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATE BEVERAGES: Anything except Diet Choke.
Orange Juice and Mello Yello (the drink of the nineties) preferred.
1c: WEIGHTS AND MEASURES: a "drink" is officially defined as: the precise
amount of liquid refreshment the imbiber finds adequate to his needs as
expressed at the moment of drinking. In English: Whatever the hell you feel
like, from a fractional swallow to an oceanic chug. The words "drink" and
"shot" will be used interchangeably throughout these rules. Some rules omit
the word "drink" entirely. This does not excuse viewers from their duty.
1d: SOCIAL DRINKING: Drinking should be as social an activity as
watching Trek. When a player says "Social"... Drink! Drink twice, if a
character says the word "social".
2: NOMENCLATURE: Players may only refer to the program as "Trek" . The names
"Trek Classic", in the case of the series starring John Winston as Lt. Kyle, or
"New Trek", in the case of the series starring Jennifer Barlow as Ensign
Gibson, are also acceptable. Penalty shots are to be handed out to anyone
referring to the show as "Star Trek". The game is to be referred to as "Drunk
Trek" or "D.T." Players are to be referred to as "Drunk Trekkers" (In the
case of hard-core players with regular attendance and a profound understanding
of the deepest meanings of Trek), as "Drunk Trekkies" (In the case of
semi-regulars who pay less attention to the program than to the flow of
alcohol), or as "Drunk Trekkists" (In the case of visitors who just want to get
wildly drunk). The participants may be collectively referred to as "The
D.T.'s".
3: OPENING THEME: Players are strongly encouraged to recite the opening
narrative and sing (to the best of their abilities) along with the theme song.
Whenever the Enterprise whooshes by, players should follow and imitate its
motion or inertial effects with their heads, simultaneously making the
appropriate "whoosh" noise. (We know this sounds really silly on paper, but
trust us, it works.)
3a: CREDITS: Players should cheer or boo names in the credits where
appropriate. Writers should get the benefit of the doubt. Anyone booing
Gene Roddenberry will be pelted with garbage and forcibly ejected.
3b: WHAT'S THAT TUNE? KINDA CATCHY, ISN'T IT?: Occasionally, the Trek
theme music actually appears within a scene, not as incidental music, but as
music which the characters are able to hear. Drink.
3c: EPISODE TITLES: In Most Trek and Next Generation episodes, the
episode title is either explicitly mentioned in, or derived from, a character
line. Drink when this occurs, twice if it was stolen from Shakespeare. Drink
on first appearance of the title if it was stolen from somewhere else (eg.
Conscience of the King, The Schizoid Man).
3d: VIRGINS IN SPACE: At this point, as the local station cuts to the
post-opening credit-commercials, first time D.T.'s chug.
4: GOLDEN SHOWER: Tradition calls for finished beverage cans (no bottles
please!) to be hurled into a convenient front corner of the room.
Occasionally, said cans are hurled prematurely, to the distress of those
watching in the front ranks. Thrower drinks. Spraying the television counts
double.
5: THE POKER FLATS/ SINCLAIR LEWIS UNWRITTEN MEMORIAL RULE: (Consult a founding
father privately for information regarding this rule.)
6: ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH: When a Starfleet crewman gets toasted, players
should intone the appropriate litany and imbibe a ritual shot:
If the Shirt is Red, the (Man is, Woman's) dead.
If the Shirt is Blue, the (Man is, Woman's) stew.
If the Shirt is (Yellow, he's one dead fellow/Gold, she's just
been told).
Players are strongly encouraged to make up a new rhyme in the event of a
different color appearing. The flow of alcohol may help with this... Note
that the word "Shirt" is non-negotiable, even if the victim is wearing a
jumpsuit or tunic. Feminine forms as indicated are acceptable if the victim
was female. Neuter forms are only acceptable in the case of a neuter species.
Also note that security personnel and other expendable types are to be referred
to throughout the program as "Redshirts" regardless of garb.
7: INERTIALS (SHIPSHAKE): Whenever the Enterprises inertial dampers are on the
fritz (i.e. the camera shakes) players must rock spasmodically in sympathy.
One player should rock in the wrong direction. Standing players should grab
any nearby object (couches, tables, upright lamps, people who just wandered
into the room) for support.
8: CLYDE'S CLASSICAL CLICHE CLAUSE: "Your weapons are useless here."; "You're
my guests." followed or preceded by "We're your prisoners."; "Resistance is
useless". Drink.
9: PETER PRINCIPLE OF STARFLEET RANK: Drink whenever a stupid commodore
appears, twice if he takes control of the ship. Also applies whenever a
character exceeds his/her authority (eg Lt. Commander Shelby).
10: THE PHYSICS MAJOR REALITY CHECK (PMRC): Whenever a clear physical
impossibility occurs, it is the sovereign privilege and duty of any physics
major or other science geek to call it. Everyone drinks. {Chem and Bio MRC
10a: THE NON-PHYSICS MAJOR CHECKS AND BALANCES REFEREEING SYSTEM: When
General Order TEN (the PMRC) is invoked, anybody who can rationalize said
impossibility to the satisfaction of all others present can make everybody
(himself included, if so desired) drink again, except the caller of General
Order TEN, who shall drink twice. Note: If the
physics-major-type-geek-person-entity invoked rule 10 in reference to a
physical impossibility which actually occurred in the viewing room and not on
the program, nobody may invoke rule 10a.
11: OH NO! NOT THE ______!: Whenever a character says a particularly ominous
phrase (eg. "Captain, I have invoked Starfleet Code Seventeen"), manages to
correctly use a complicated (made up or otherwise) scientific term ("The
hyperonic radiation is interfering with the transporter, sir") or refers to a
wonderfully named device ("Yes, use the purple cloud"), players should
immediately respond with "Oh no! Not Starfleet Code Seventeen/ Not hyperonic
radiation/ Not the purple cloud" Drink.
11a: OH, SO THAT'S WHAT IT DOES: Drink whenever someone explains the
function of one of the items mentioned above. Also drink when someone from a
backwards culture misunderstands such an item, or mispronounces its name.
11b: YOU JUST INITIATED WHAT?!: Drink whenever the self destruct
sequence is activated.
12: THANK YOU FOR YOUR ORDER: Starfleet's rigorous training ensures that any
competent Starfleet officer is able to deal with equipment lists, cargo
manifests, and menus. Whenever a character rattles off a list players should
finish it by singing out (in unison) "And a partridge in a pear tree". Drink-
you've earned it. In addition, officers are expected to deal with large
numbers. Drink when they can't handle these and are forced to give each number
individually (Captain, now in range of Starbase One-Five-Nine) or are forced to
refer to 1 to any power.
13: THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE MEAT: In the future, all sciences and arts have
progressed far beyond our wimpy capabilities, and the culinary arts are no
exception. Horribly inefficient foodstuffs, such as roast turkey and king
crab legs have been replaced by two much healthier types of nutrition: the
Multicolored Synthesized Food Substitute Cubes and the Typical Nauseating Alien
Delicacy. Drink anytime a Starfleet officer eats one of these items.
13a: COMPUTER, POUR ME ANOTHER: In seeming rebellion of rule 13, drinks
of all types proliferate throughout the galaxy, from water at any desired
temperature to Klingon kill-a-Romulan-at-fifteen-paces alcohol. Drink
whenever a character drinks, twice if it's Scotty or the drink is prune juice,
the warrior's drink.
14: MODERN ANCIENT HISTORY: Drink whenever a character refers to the hopelessly
backward practices or triumph-over-incredible-odds days of the late twentieth
century.
15: POWERS AND ABILITIES BEYOND THOSE OF MORTAL MEN: (Or the Deus Ex Trekkus
rule): Players should drink whenever a character appears who has god-like
supernatural talents. Examples: Charlie X., Trelayne, Apollo, The Q, Gary
Mitchell, etc.
15a: POWERS AND ABILITIES BELOW THOSE OF MORTAL MEN: (Or: I'm not as
think as you dumb I am): The Enterprise occasionally encounters aliens who, in
the face of severe limitations in intelligence, firepower, and good looks,
attemt to buck the Federation authority. Drink.
15b: ALIENS WHO THINK WHO THE HELL THEY ARE: Not to be confused with
Deus Ex Trekkus, this rule comes into effect whenever an alien race refers to
humans as "primitive". While there is obviously considerable overlap between
the two rules, some aliens are clearly mega-powerful without rubbing our noses
in it (Trelayne's parents), while others, despite what they think of
themselves, are really wimpy aliens we could toast with one phaser bank tied
behind our backs (Talosians, Velarans).
15c: DO YOU WANT ME TO TEST MY THEORY OUT ON YOUR HEAD?: Drink whenever
a "primitive" human manages to gain the upper hand with either a rule 15 or 15b
alien.
16: WE CAN BUILD A BETTER OFFICER: Starfleet academy prides itself on the
quality of its product. Officers who graduate from there are expected to be
physically fit and capable of dealing diplomatically with any situation. Drink
for poorly choreographed (any) fights.
16a: BUT THEN WE'D BE NO BETTER THAN THEY ARE: In addition to turning
out physically fit specimens, Starfleet officers are expected to have an
immaculate moral code. Drink whenever a character delivers a Particularly
Moralistic Soliloquy (PMS) or a Supremely Philosophical Added Moral (SPAM),
twice if it's a starship captain.
16b: IT IS A FAR, FAR BETTER THING THAT I DO: Starfleet officers are
also expected to make the ultimate sacrifice (usually, it seems, whenever
possible) Drink when one volunteers to (especially Kirk - "No Trelayne, take it
out on me, not my crew").
16c: I DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR: The final oath any officer leaving the
academy must take is to uphold the prime directive. Drink to flagrant
violations of this oath.
16d RIMMER, YOU ARE A SMEGHEAD: Thanks to those wonderful people, the
censors, who make our lives full of joy and realism, characters are also pure
of language. No four letter words here. There are, of course, ways around
this. Drink whenever someone swears in an alien language, or uses a
completely new swear word.
16e: SMILE, PLEASE: Starfleet crewmen are expected to comport
themselves well, keeping their emotions to themselves. However, this training
sometimes fails badly and the result is a shit-eating grin (SEG). Drink to
any male crew member wearing one.
16f: HAIR: This brings us to the rather touchy subject of hair, the
only area in which there has been no progress since the 20th century. Drink
to cats on heads (especially Bill Shatner's), cheesy toupees, hippy hairstyles,
incredibly ugly beards and headglare off of bald spots.
17: THE APOLOGETICA: We're sorry. Really. Honest. Drink whenever a female
starship captain appears.
18: IT SOUNDS KIND OF CRAZY, BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK: The Enterprise has a long
history of putting to the test procedures that "have never been tested before",
"are only based on theory" or are "still in the experimental stage". Its the
least we can do to raise a toast to these intrepid pioneers, without whom there
would have been no major technological advances since the 21st century.
19: BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT RULE: Whenever a character says the word "excellent"
players should make the appropriate air guitar gestures (with sound effects).
Yes, it IS stupid, but we like it. Drink.
20: THE DARONE CODICIL: ANY reference to the period of "Twenty minutes" will be
greeted by loud cheering, rude noises and the immediate consumption of all
beverages in hand. A boisterous cry of "TWENty MINutes" shall ring out.
Anyone failing to do so will be forced to watch twenty minutes of Space: 1999.
Yes, we do believe in cruel and unusual punishment.
21: SATURDAY NIGHT STARFLEET: Drink to really funky psychedelia, whether
intentional or not. This includes really multicolored star patterns that
appear out of viewports (sometimes even when the ship is stationary). Drink
when characters appear dressed for these occasions.
22: THE TWO-AND-ONE RULE: A classic writer's tactic when introducing a new or
unfamiliar name or concept is to place it alongside two familiar ones, eg: "The
philosophical greats: Plato, Socrates and Surak". Drink.
23: A WISE MAN ONCE SAID: Drink to all line echoes, without which the program
would not be 47 minutes long. Also, drink to all Trek Classic references in TNG
24: PROFOUND GRASP OF THE OBVIOUS: Drink.
25: DON'T DO THAT--YOU'LL ONLY MAKE IT ANGRY: Drink whenever the most advanced
Federation weapons hit an enemy or obstacle but have no noticable effect.
26: ANYTHING ELSE IS JUST A LIGHT: Thanks to budget increases in New Trek and
simple bloody-mindedness in Classic, spaceships, starbases and planets explode
(with appropriate light and sound effects) with alarming regularity. Players
should immediately toast its passing with a shout of "No! Bud Light! " and a
drink.
27: MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN: We all know to whom a starship captain is
married. Drink to any references to the ship as "mine", "she" or "her", long
panning shots of the Enterprise and any time Kirk or Riker (who is temporarily
breveted to the rank of captain for this rule) commit adultery (We honestly
couldn't see Picard doing this, but, a toast when it does).
28: I'M SORRY DAVE...: Drink whenever a character receives a negative response
(NR) from one of the ship's devices, or whenever a device that would produce a
simple resolution of the plot is rendered inoperable by forces beyond the
crew's control (eg. hyperonic radiation).
29: BRUSH WITH GREATNESS: As more and more people play an increasingly greater
role in the world of Trek, it will become increasingly likely that players will
recognize certain names in the closing credits as friends or relatives.
Players drink whenever someone in the audience spots one such. Players drink
twice if someone in the audience has the same name as someone in the credits.
Player whose name appears chugs.
P.S. First & last name please - no partial credit!
30: MY OTHER UNIFORM IS IN THE WASH: Drink when a character appears in a
particularly hideous example of futuristic fashions including, but not limited
to, anything seen on (or off) of Troi (Lwaxana too), Picard's 24th Century
speedo and studmuffin shirt. Chug to any Ferengi vacation garb.
31: BACK IN YO FACE (THE HEISMANN PRINCIPLE): Drink when a character totally
humiliates someone else. (Eg: Lwaxana Troi and Damon Tog or Q and anyone.)
II: TECHNICAL DRINKS:
1: THEY DON'T BUILD SPACESHIPS LIKE THEY USED TO: Drink to all production
flails, including (but not limited to): Hands appearing in shuttlecraft doors,
human body parts visible in aliens, duct tape on the set, reuse of old footage,
slowed down footage (Ca'n we canna extend the show for long enough!), invisible
spacecraft (only in Classic - TNG has enough budget to be able to avoid this if
it wants to), really cheesy aliens, erratic Enterprise establishing shots
(EEES), shifting stars while motionless, symmetrical starfields, stars visible
through planets and starships, bad mattes, continuity flails (shot to
shot-character flails are elsewhere).
2: STOCK MUSIC: "Spock's Theme", "Cheesy Fight Theme", "Pursuit Theme", "Lust
Theme", hippy/Spock jam session in "Way to Eden" (chug),
muted-horn-nostalgiaTrek theme.
3: CATCH THE EXCITEMENT: Bad fades, Bad cuts, freezes, Worf WXXA plug.
4: AMY PRICE MEMORIAL RULE & OTHER ADS: any ad for the armed forces, loser
lines, NYNEX commercials (twice if someone gets a new one before the end),
Hefty/wimpy, DHL flying trucks, Keystone, Joe Isuzu, any ad that features an
appearance by a well-known celebrity, any ad that prostitutes good music, any
repeated ad (add one drink for each appearance). Double drink when a Trek cast
member is caught lowering him/herself to the pathetic limitations of a
commercial--voiceovers, etc. When actually appearing, if you aren't gagging,
chug.
III: TREK CLASSIC SUBSECTION:
1: CONVERSATIONAL DRINKS:
Kirk: Any angered sentence ending with "mister"; "Standard orbit";
"You've earned your pay for the week"; "I want answers"; "We come in peace";
"(Set) phasers on stun"; "Captain's Log... "(twice if its supplemental); "I
love you"; "Warp factor 2, Mr. Sulu".
Spock: "Fascinating"; "(Il)logical"; any raised eyebrow; "Jim"; "It's
life, but not as we know it"; sarcastic remarks (e.g.. Very good-reason with
him, Captain)
Bones: "I'm a doctor, not a ___"; "He (She, It)'s dead Jim!"; snarling
about the transporter; any anti-Vulcan comment or particularly irritable crack;
slips back into his southern accent.
Scotty: Flagrant accent flails (FAF); "Tha's impossible ca'n!"; any
overload explosion prediction.
Chekov: FAF; inaccurate Russian history claims; grimaces while firing
ships weapons.
Sulu: Any countdown; announcement of unusually high warp speeds.
Uhura: "I'm frightened, Captain"; "Hailing frequencies open."
Computer: "Work-ing"; "Affirm-ative"; "Neg-ative".
2: SITUATIONAL DRINKS:
Kirk: Hits a woman; has his shirt damaged, torn or removed; uses
Illogic 101 on a computer; uses the two-handed fist; mid-season spread; defeats
a way superior opponent in a fight; seriously ungodly overacting; stud duty
(twice if he's seen pulling his boots on afterward).
Spock: Looks into his "peep show machine" (nomenclature courtesy of
David Vangerov); mind melds; nerve pinches; Vulcan sex references; convenient
knowledge no one else has; builds computers from "stone knives and bearskins";
emotes; plays his lyrette.
Bones: Anytime he's on the bridge doing nothing when crewmen are
injured; uses his salt shakers; tests someone on the footpedal device.
Scotty: Does the impossible (Scotty has full PMRC immunity). Hairdo of
the Week.
Chekov: Gets zapped, stung, hit, shot, burned or otherwise molested;
screams.
Sulu: Another day, another hobby.
Uhura: Sings, falls the wrong way during shipshake.
Riley: Sings (chug, you'll need it).
IV: NEXT GENERATION SUBSECTION:
1: CONVERSATIONAL DRINKS:
Picard: "Make it so"; "Engage"; "Captain's Log.." (Twice if
supplemental); Shakespearian quotes (Chug if they're mangled).
Riker: Questions one of Picard's orders.
Data: "Inquiry"; flagrantly fails to use a contraction; Encyclopedia
Datannica; denies his humanity.
Troi: "I feel . . ."
Worf: Any "I just don't understand humans" line; polite conversation;
any angered line ending with an added "sir"; snarling as converstion.
Wesley: Says something naive; any "Golly gee" type line.
Q: "Microbrain", "OWWWWW!".
Lwaxana Troi: "Little One"
2: SITUATIONAL DRINKS:
Picard: Looks silly or loses temper around children; laughs; causes the
temperature of the Enterprise to drop several degrees by look alone; is hung up
on or hangs up communications; has a book. Slugs someone.
Riker: Strokes beard; Kirklike behavior; smirks; straddles a chair;
looks clueless; end of scene noble closeup.
Data: Looks silly when he tries to be human; another day, another art
project; gets interrupted or told to shut up; is described as something other
than an android or is accused of being human.
Troi: Betazed sex references.
Geordi: Takes VISOR off or otherwise loses it.
Tasha: squints, dies
Worf: Gets thumped by someone or something; Klingon mating rituals;
snarling as a high form of conversation; Klingon cultural superiority.
Bev Crusher: Does something awesome; worries about Wesley not having a
"normal" childhood.
Pulaski: McCoyish behaviour; interrupts somebody; uses transporter
(oops!)
Wesley: Saves the Enterprise; gets hit on by a fly babe; dies or
finally gets developed into a worthwhile character (Well, we can hope, can't
we?). Ridiculous plot twists to keep him in the series.
Q: Changes outfits, faces someone or gets faced, shows a great sense of
humor in power use.
Commander Tomalok: shows his "Oh dear, where did that come from?" face.
Lwaxana Troi: Refuses to speak/communicate aloud.
V: MOTION PICTURE SUBSECTION:
Kirk: gets demythologized; double drink if he defeats a way superior
opponent in combat - he is getting on folks; Leers at Considerably Younger
Squaws (LACYS); velcro comes undone; loses a ship; someone demands his
execution.
Spock: Falls catatonic; swears; dies.
Bones: Shows a fine sense of historical irony; Vulcanizes.
Scotty: Gets fat; sabotages a Federation ship; talks to a mouse.
Chekov: see Trek classic
Sulu: Flies something he could never have possibly flown before.
Uhura: Gets fat (but not as fat as Scotty).
Decker: Becomes eligible for General Order 15; looks longingly at Ilia.
David: Dies.
Ilia: Sexually overpowers someone with her seductively bald head,
reminds people of her vow; metallic speech.
Saavik: Suddenly becomes a much flatter, duller character between
movies; dies or gets re-replaced by Kirstie Alley (Still hoping...)
Kruge: Just try to find an excuse not to drink when Christopher Lloyd
is onscreen!
Maltz: Just because he's John Larroquette.
Stiles: Does something prissy.
NOTES
1: For those unfamiliar with this obscure yet superior beverage, it consists of
Dr. Pepper and rum mixed in a comfortable ratio.
2: As anyone in the 23rd or 24th centuries can easily recall, the Boors Brewing
Corporation (as we must refer to it here in order to prevent interference with
that which must occur) is almost exclusively responsible for the single darkest
period in human history. (No, not the 70's.) Boors' constant struggle
against their competitors led them to initiate certain experiments in the
1960's in order to improve their product by creating new and more exciting
strains of yeast through eugenics. While these experiments produced no
immediate improvement, they laid the groundwork for later and less reserved
experimentation. If improvement of a tool could double production, reasoned
Adolph Boors, could not the improvement of the worker himself increase
production a thousandfold? Such was the reasoning behind the clandestine
eugenics "experiments" of the 1970's (Hey! we DID mean the 70's); Boors created
a race of supermen for the sole purpose of run
The Drunk Trek Compendium
NOTE: Episode enjoyability seems to form an inverse bell-curve function with
respect to the number of drinks per episode. Our favorites tend to be those
with extraordinarily high or low totals, although this rule tends to be broken
fairly often. The mean drinks per episode currently stands at 42.6 (motion
pictures not included). One method of obtaining a rough estimate of the
episode's enjoyability is to subtract the mean value from the recorded number
of drinks in the episode - the greater the resulting absolute value, the
greater the enjoyment. The drink records provided are based exclusively on
drinks intrinsic to the episode in question. Station flails, ads, socials,
etc. are not counted.
TREK CLASSIC:
Season 1:
Where No Man Has Gone Before: 37 drinks. And all because NBC wanted a fight...
Mudd's Women: 35 drinks. Characters aren't developed enough yet for cliches.
The Naked Time: 63 drinks. Everything but a PMS (and they came close to that!)
Balance of Terror: 50 drinks. Lots and lots and lots of shipshakes.
Season 3:
The Menagerie (Part 1): 40 drinks. Major reuse of old footage.
The Menagerie (Part 2): 49 drinks. More reuse of old footage.
NEXT GENERATION:
Season 2:
Samaritan Snare: 73 drinks. Several "Oh no! Not the.."s
Up the Long Ladder: 65 drinks. In like a lion, out like a lamb.
Manhunt: 100 drinks. Worth every one of them. Avoid socials.
Season 3:
Evolution: 46 drinks. Lots of NRs.
The Ensigns of Command: 47 drinks. Phallic imagery and bad extras.
The Survivors: 23 drinks!! 'Nuff said.
Who Watches the Watchers: 23 drinks again! Cheers to "The Picard"
The Price: 34 drinks. Star Dreck at its height.
The Vengeance Factor: 43 drinks. First "Twenty minutes" of the season!
Booby Trap: 65 drinks. Title appears plenty.
The Defector: 25 drinks. Is this a Romulan I see before me?...
The Hunted: 21 drinks. Mostly NRs and Worf getting hit.
The High Ground: 41 drinks. PME (Particularly Moralistic Episode)
Deja Q: 68 drinks. Q! Q! Q! Q! Q! Q! Q! Q! Q! Q! Q! Q! Q! Q!
A Matter of Perspective: 20 drinks. Not one to show at parties.
Yesterday's Enterprise: 37 drinks. All in the first and last 5 minutes. A fight
at last!
The Offspring: 23 drinks. Frakes proves that at least one member of Trek can
direct...
Sins of the Father: 19 drinks. Yet another low. Suprisingly little happens here
Menage a Troi: 65 at least, plus one OCEANIC chug for Shakespeare from hell.
Transfigurations: 60 drinks. Bev's Saltshakers save the day.
Best of Both Worlds Part I: 104 Drinks. What you get when you have 85 people
calling "Drink!"
Season 4:
Best of Both Worlds Part II: 74 Drinks. Resolution of cliffhanger from hell.
Family: 34 drinks. A little more static. Starfleet mudwrestling.
MOTION PICTURES:
Trek I: 146 drinks. 2001 ripoffs left, right and center.

********************************************************************************
********************************************************************************
[stuff deleted]
Thanx,
cHAD Archbishop of Kenyon, blah, blah, blah
####===================================================================####
BURL IVES STORY
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 05 Nov 91 23:46:53 CST
From: Rev <UC521832@UMCVMB.missouri.edu>
Subject: Well Ya know
To: Malaclypse Barker <MAL@socpsy.sci.fau.edu>
Once at a Shriner's Convention in New Dehli, India, Burl Ives was
present as a guest. At the big dinner festivities he was asked to give
a short speech.
As he was about to open his mouth and deliver the humorous little
anecdote he'd prepated, he noticed that there was a lame little beggar
boy looking in the window. His eyes were big as he gazed at all the
sumptious food spread out on the tables in the room.
Burl was moved by the sight. So moved that he abandoned his planned
joke and said something else, straight from the heart.
"Get that little brat away from the window!"
But Burl has come a long way since then. He is no longer the callous
jokester of his youth. And shortly before his death, he arranged to
visit that same little boy, now grown into a man. This man, still lame,
but still hopeful, greeted the rotund Mr. Ives as he descended shakily
from the plane gantry on the New Dehli airfield.
And this same man stuck his foot out and tripped the dottering, overweight
old gent, and Burl went tumbling down and scraped his head on the cement.
And Burl got up, unsteadily, and smiled, and in that famous voice beloved
by millions of American children who have seen his christmas specials,
he said,
"Well son, now we're even."
It's this kind of charity, this kind of rough-edged good-natured kindness
that endears Burl Ives to people like you and me.
For there is a little of Burl in all of us.
-----------------------
Rev. John
uc521832
"I never met a man I didn't like, or a cheese sandwich I didn't eat."
-- B. Ives
####===================================================================####
MORE FROM SPODE
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 8 Nov 1991 21:22 HKT
From: The Mighty Spode <LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
Subject: he's back - and loaded with goodies - and he's not Santa!
Hi! I will try not to overload anyone - just a few at a time. :)
Things here are settling down a bit. Still some hassles, and some
craziness, but calming more each week. Until January, anyway - two more
floors coming on line then... Sorry I have been so out of touch!
-Spode
####===================================================================####
South China Morning Post - 28 October 1991
_In Brief_
A passage taken from comedian Judy Tenuta's new book, _The Power of
Judyism, reads: "I am the Empress of Elvis Impersonators. The King
lives in me. He appears to me in my Cheez Whiz and says, 'Priscilla,
Priscilla, make me some bacon'."
++++++++++++++++
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 17 October 1991
_Our Man Flint_
[some stuff deleted]
Incidentally, the island mation of St. Vincent has issued a US$4
commemorative stamp featuring Fred Flintstone smashing an overhead volley
across a tennis net at Barney Rubble.
Good to know that important cultural icons are revered far and wide.
++++++++++++++++
South China Morning Post - 28 October 1991
_In Brief_
A Brooklyn outfit called Zak's Funhouse claims to be the first with matching
Anita Hill and Clarence Thomas masks, just in time for Halloween. They go
for US$5.95 each.
++++++++++++++++
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 17 October 1991
_No thank you_
[photocopy left out - graphic of "Lickit" with the words "high class 2 ply
toilet tissue"]
No thank you ... is this the least suitably named product in Hongkong?
Manisha Lakhe of Kornhill found it while shopping in Quarry Bay. Likit High
Class Two-Ply Toilet Tissue is imported by sole agent Wo Sang Trading. No,
we could not bring ourselves to try the implicit command. It does not look
appealing.
++++++++++++++++
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 20 August 1991
_Legal Question_
Six hundred Pakistani students are screaming out for justice even
as they study it.
These law students are outraged at the fiendishly evil tricks of
the faculty, according to the Pakistani daily newspaper _Dawn_ which
says: "Confusion prevailed at law examination centres on Wednesday when
the students failed to find the solution of several questions in
cheating material they possessed."
_Dawn_ says a number of exam questions in the Contract Act and the
Goods Act were set out in such a manner they could not find the chapters
in the books in their laps.
These colleges are supposed to be teaching eager young minds to be
*lawyers* and they won't even help them cheat.
++++++++++++++++
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 21 October 1991
_Long-winded_
We recently heard a proposal that corporations bid to sponsor typhoons
and have the typhoons carry their company name.
Pramod Agarwal suggests companies bid to be allowed to name a typhoon
after their competitors, so after the damage is done their competition's
name is associated with it.
We'd like to see storms named after special events or movies, although
we're not sure we'd like to be here if Typhoon Terminator hit Hongkong.
+++++++++++++++++++
That should have held you for a few minutes. Have fun!
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
####===================================================================####
--Subink 1991
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