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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 16
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: STEVENSJ
Electronic Magazine" INTERNET: "Stevensj@VAX001.Kenyon.edu"
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SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
Introduction: The Made for TV Edition...
News: Heaviest Element Found! PARTY INFORMATION!
OTISian Rants: The Creation of the Universe, TOLD TWICE!
(Diferent, nay, _Conflicting_ versions,. WHAT CAN IT MEAN?)
Other Rants: Clip and Save Quayle Quotes, The Uses of Cheeze!
----------------------------------------------------------------
INTRODUCTION
("Television is called a 'medium' cause there's nothing rare or
well done on it"-- someone on Iscabbs.)
[Cue Sappy Music]
Ah, you again. Well, welcome to the 16th issue of _The_
_Purple_ _Thunderbolt_ _of_ _Spode_, the "made for TV edition".
Like all TV presentations, it's sappy, close captioned for the
hearing impaired, plotless and edited for television (only 15
pages this time, folks...). Unlike most of television, it's also
rather funny, particularly the Quayle quotes (had to have
something in here by the made for TV vice pres. after all), but
that can't be helped.
Our final issue of the school year is not too far off.
Someone should be putting this out over summer vacation, but of
course only our non-colloege subscribers will receive summer
copies. (Do please write and let me know if you want to be on
the summer mailing list or not).
Anyway, sit back and enjoy the thrills, chills, spills and
cheezy jokes of Purps, 16, the "made for Television issue".
[Roll Credits]
"PURPS": The Made for TV Issue:
Staring:
Father Quido Sarduci as Pope Jeffe
Don Knots as Mike Dow
Barbra Walters as Victoria Hill
Micky Mouse as OTIS
James Earl Jones as B.OTIS, Too
Vanna White in a Part With, Fortunately, Neither Lines Nor Queues
and
Jeff Stevens and Reid Carlberg, as himself
The Scenery is preformed by:
Academic Light and Magic, With Jerry Lee Louis on Bass.
Transportation Made Possible by:
The U.S. Army & Around 200,000 Dead [Whew! THAT should get me
in trouble... who me, bitter?]
Specail Thanks to:
Jim Henson, for allowing his name to appear here
and Liza "Q" Wirtz for providing the News.
_______
News
-------
PURPS.STUFF--- PARTIES, PARTIES, PARTIES!!!!
WED, APR 9, 5:00pm, GUND-- Banquet of the Gods!
We have a sheet and a box now, and need only candlesticks and
candles to bring off the dinner of the CENTURY! "Formal" or very
creative dress requested. Please be there at 5:00 on the nose so
we can all parade in together, and help make everyone's day a
little more surreal!
FRI, APR 11, 8:00PM, Farr Hall Porch-- The SPRING OTISian
Libation Party!
Come libate the Kenyon monuments and your stomachs in the name of
OTIS (to entreate her/him not to fail my comps, HAIL OTIS!). For
those of you who missed the last one, this involves running
around campus, drinking and pouring wine on everything in the
name of OTIS, and avoiding security which doesn't take kindly to
such expressions of religious freedom.
OTHER NEWS
<><><><><><><><> The VOGON News Service <><><><><><><>
Local News
----------
Physicists at the Harwell nuclear research station claim to
have discovered the heaviest element known to science --
administratium. It has no protons or electrons and the atomic
number is zero. It consists of one nutron, eight assistant
neutrons, 10 executive neutrons, 35 vice-neutrons and 256
assistant vice-neutrons. Completely inert, it can be detected
chemically because it impedes every action with which it
comes into contact...
{News courtesy of the London Times }
----------------------------------------------------------------
OTISIAN RANTS
---------------------------------------------------------------
(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
revealed!)
[THIS WEEK, Brown Buckets, The CREATION OF THE UNIVERSE! More!]
From: VAX001::HILLV "Everybody dance--well, now it's more like two
weeks..." 29-MAR-1991 21:11:59.42
Subj: fezz hats, brown buckets and symbolism
From the first instant of the conception of the planet earth, yea verily,
from the dawn of time, long before the Gobi, or the birth of the first yak,
or even ARA tofu pudding (in six tasty flavors, designed to tempt the
tummy), there were English majors. At first, they just sat about in the
nothingness of the pre-existant universe, and pretended to think deep
thoughts. As there was really not all that much to think about, a precedent
was thus set for all future English majors.
Several billion whatevers later, when whatever it is that created the
universe finally got organized enough to begin, and OTIS and Athena and
Thomson popped up, laid back, ordered a few drinks and started demanding
that they be worshipped, the English majors raised quite a fuss. After all,
hadn't they been running about doing absolutely nothing first? It just
wasn't fair that these upstarts who suddenly had gotten the bright idea of
refering to themselves as "figures of power" and "deserving of worship",
should get all the attention. (Not to mention the top billing...)
"Look here," said one of the newly self-created gods to the English
majors, "we need veneration, lest we cease to exist as gods, and have this
free and easy life-style which we have so joyously embarked upon." There was
much enthusiastic response from the rest of the gods at the words, "free and
easy life-style." The English majors glowered at the gods, but agreed that
this was indeed true. "Since the whole concept of worshipping us is so
completely absurd, we need to cloud the issue. Make things so complex that
no one will ever think to question why it is that they worship us, send us
all their money, etc. Thus, we need to create---"there was a great hiss amid
the assembly as the speaker fumbled to create words--"we need to
create--create"
"SYMBOLISM!!," cried the English majors in chorus. "Let nothing mean what it
actually is! Let things stand for each other! Let one thing represent
another! And let anything be whatever an English major says it might be,
provided that they can support their claim with a thesis and a brief summary
of all crucial points and a conclusion!"
And there was much rejoicing from the people and the gods and the
marsupials, and the English majors immidiately formed a large arguent as to
the exact meaning which was in future to be attached to the words "thesis"
"crucial points" and "conclusion" and what an appropriate length might be
for essays on symbolism and the merits of double spacing.
Much later, the bucket was invented. My research has inconclusivly not
proved that the first bucket was, in fact, a purple and mauve plaid blend.
The bucket was designed to hold things without spilling. (My research
suggested that the first bucket ws designed to hold the all-holy aspertame
by-products at the celebration of the Feast of St. Lulu's, but this may only
be a legend.) The handle was considered to be a convinient way to carry said
bucket, but probably the least important part of the sacred object.
Much much much later, Austrolapithacus and his pals were running around the
jungles of Australia, and noticed, as if from far off, a brown plaid bucket
hanging from a tree branch. The holy relic of the celebration of the Feast
of St. Lulu's, thought by its designers to have been lost forever, had been
found! Well, it might as well have been lost forever, as the designers never
got it back. Instead, Austrol and company carried it home and pondered
intently upon its meaning. At length, they appealed to the gods. "Explain to
us the mystery of the brown bucket which we have found!"
"Be more than glad to," said a passing English major. "Just skip with the
god stuff." The English major had not forgotten the slight of years ago, and
saw a way in which the gods could be had. "You see, the brown bucket is
holy. In fact, it's pretty damned neat. So here's what you're going to do.
You're going to give it to me. In return, I will give you that which will be
symbolic of the brown bucket, which you will then be able to replicate and
pass on to as many of your people as you like. Out of one I can create
many."
"But," replied Austrol, "we like our bucket! And what is this "symbolism"
stuff anyway?"
And the English major didst confuse Austrol and company with full nine pages
of a bullshit thesis, crucial points and conclusion. The assembled at
length, not wishing to appear to be the ignorant and foolish creatures which
the English major knew them to be, informed their neighbors loudly that "all
right, all right, they got the point, give us the symbol already."
The English major did then give to Austrol and company the remaining fezz
hats (left over from the party thrown the night before). "But what of the
handle?" The English major, having better things ot waste his time doing,
replied, "the gold tassel. It is symbolic."
"But--"
"They both hang, don't they? They both tend to break and twist and warp and
are possibly the least important part of the whole thing, don't you think?"
Austrol and company, wishing to avoid hearing a doctoral thesis on the issue
of fezz hats and buckets, quietly agreed. And teh English major left with
the bucket and made some really neat punch in it that night at the party.
Austrol and his friends just sort of evolved and died out.
Here endeth the historical dissertation.
(Thanks be.)
-wombat
---------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::WINS%"M.S.Dow@exeter.ac.uk" 31-MAR-1991 13:00:54.56
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Re: THE OTISian NEW YEAR CELEB!
As a special new year's treat, on that special day named for me, I thought
I'd share with you the sensational, never-before-told story of the creation
of the Heavens, the Earth(s), and any other fiddly bits that may or may not
have gotten lost around here somewhere(Spode swears they slipped between the
cushions, but I don't know, I was born a week from now, not yesterday....)by
OTIS. This is the OFFICIAL AND COMPLETE TRUTH, at least until something
funnier comes along.
Now, as probably all of you know, a lot of different people have
offered many different versions of the creation or origin of universe, a
fact which Douglas Adams used to great effect in his philosophical block-
buster, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and most of you are thus
familiar with the Great Green Arkelsiezure theory. This explanation,
created purely as a joke by Adams, is one of the few completely untrue
accounts of the events in question. The idea that this universe is simply
the dream of Brahma or Vishnu or whoever as he sits on a lotus-pad is also
incorrect. Brahma(or whoever) IS dreaming a Universe alright, but as we now
know, he dreams in black and white, and OUR Universe is clearly
color(although probably not Kodakolor).
The other mistaken version is the Big Bang theory. However crucial
the Big Bang may have been(and that is always a dodgy and rather personal
subject) it had been over for about nine months by the time the Universe
first existed, so clearly any part it may have played was a behind the
scenes indirect one. All the other theories are basically correct. Not only
did it take six days, beginning with OTIS saying "Let's have some light" and
exerting lots of willpower, She was also giving birth to it, which was a
very traumatic and painful process for Her, as should be obvious from the
immense size of the Universe. At the same time, OTIS was actually excreting
the Universe, and realizing that He was the Universe, and that as He/it was
rapidly expanding, He/it was thus rapidly becoming fat(which is why OTIS has
been known to strike people down for careless wisecracks), and He/She/It was
molding the Universe out of clay, marble, wood, sheet-metal, playing cards,
the leavings of an ARA meal, styrofoam, cardboard, glass and/or legos. [NB
If there's nothing better to hand, why not worship legos this week?]
Eventually, the creating/birthing/defecating/shaping was done, and OTIS
was knackered. (Six days is a long time to be in labor, especially with a
Universe, and how many days to rest up after did She get???? Right, so let's
not have any more little witticisms about OTIS sleeping late, got it?)
Anyway, there's OTIS, (with) a brand new Universe. The problem is, the
Universe has a real short attention-span, see. After one measley day, its
bored out of its uh, its..... cognitive galaxies. (whew, that was close) and
it starts pestering OTIS for more, more, more, more, MORE, MORE, MORE,
MOREMOREMOREMORE!! Poor OTIS did #%&'s best, but after 364(a small sect I
won't identify contend 365, and since once every four years or so they take
over the world and change things to suit them, we have leap years. But
that's getting ahead of myself) days of this, OTIS, still very tired from
the Beginning, had run out of ideas. In desperation, #%& screamed "AAAAAGH,
I'm going crazy!!!". All would have been lost, had not a small demon named
Rupert Murdoch appeared with an idea.
"Why not simply recycle and re-use all the ideas you had endlessly, using
poor quality and cheap production values. That'll allow you to keep the by-
now-several-trillion-light-years-in-diameter bugger occupied, and allow you
some free time."
"I/We have an even better idea,"said OTIS, and stuck the hapless demon with
the job, which is why so much of the world's media is the way it is. OTIS,
however, only got one day of rest when Rupert Murdoch started the year over
again, since basically he just recycled the events of the past. Which meant
she only got the one day.
Now aren't you glad I told you?
Grinnin Foole
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: unx20028@unx2.ucc.okstate.edu (Bryan Cooper)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: apocolypse when
TWENTY MODERN-DAY SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE.
1. Taxes drop.
2. National Enquirer's pshycic predictions come true.
3. Dick Clark ages.
4. AFC victory in the Super-Bowl.
5. Cosby in a funny movie.
6. Speilberg wins an Oscar.
7. Ann Landers and Dear Abbey reconcile.
8. PBS captures a market-share.
9. Cessation of MCI/AT&T marketting blitz.
10. Vice-President we can respect.
11. America produces own oil.
12. Any Atlanta team produces a winning season.
13. NBC gets another shot at the Olympics.
14. Anything newsworthy reported in People Magazine.
15. Cher finds Mr. Right.
16. Joe Montana retires.
17. Consistent NCAA basketball referees.
18. One Unix.
19. Bestsellers list that doesn't include Danielle Steel, Stephen
King, or Robin Cook.
20. Black people appear in Country and Western videos.
===============================================================
OTHER RANTS
===============================================================
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
[THIS WEEK! Clip 'n' Save [TM] Quayle Quotes!]
From: VAX001::WINS%"<el406007%BROWNVM.bitnet%UMRVMB.UMR.EDU@uga.cc.uga.edu>"
1-APR-1991 11:57:25.90
To: STEVENSJ
Subj: Quotes from the vice president
Return-Path: <@uga.cc.uga.edu:ACTIV-L@UMCVMB.BITNET>
It may be April Fool's day, but this is _all_ real...
Bobby Knight told me this: 'There is nothing that a good defense
cannot beat a better offense.' In other words a good offense wins.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle comparing the
offensive capabilities of the Warsaw Pact
with the defensive system of NATO
Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better
prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place
to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to
defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country
will eventually go.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... somewhat the same distance from the
Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
oxygen, that means we can breathe.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN
the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
is right here.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle,
Hawaii, September 1989
What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind
at all. How true that is.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle winning friends while
speaking to the United Negro College Fund
You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy
campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you
will always be.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the American Samoans,
whose capital Quayle pronounces "Pogo Pogo"
Quayle stumbled in response to a question about his opinion of the
Holocaust. He said it was "an obscene period in our nation's history."
Then, trying to clarify his remark, Quayle said he meant "this century's
history" and added a confusing comment. "We all lived in this century,
I didn't live in this century," he said.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination
of human rights.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many voices
to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans... I have heard a
single voice.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, to the Phoenix Republican
Forum, March 1990
It's rural America. It's where I came from. We always refer to ourselves
as real America. Rural America, real America, real, real, America.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Target prices? How that works? I know quite a bit about farm policy.
I come from Indiana, which is a farm state. Deficiency payments -
which are the key - that is what gets money into the farmer's hands.
We got loan, uh, rates, we got target, uh, prices, uh, I have worked
very closely with my senior colleague, (Indiana Sen.) Richard Lugar,
making sure that the farmers of Indiana are taken care of.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle on being asked to
define the term "target prices."
Quayle's press secretary then cut short the press
conference, after two minutes and 30 seconds.
Why wouldn't an enhanced deterrent, a more stable peace, a better
prospect to denying the ones who enter conflict in the first place
to have a reduction of offensive systems and an introduction to
defensive capability. I believe that is the route this country
will eventually go.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I not going to focus on what I have done in the past
what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people.
The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I
have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
without them in 'Red Storm Rising'.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
The US has a vital interest in that area of the country.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle Referring to Latin America.
Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of
the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP,
two countries. That's a statement in and of itself.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Who would have predicted... that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in in
Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia.
Unbelievable.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Actually, Dubcek was the leader of the Prague Spring.
May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
-- The Quayle's 1989 Christmas card.
[Not a beacon of literacy, though.]
Well, it looks as if the top part fell on the bottom part.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to
the collapsed section of the 880 freeway after
the San Francisco earthquake of 1989.
[this may be a joke; the source is unclear.
but it's still funny]
getting [cruise missles] more accurate so that we can have precise
precision.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle referring to his legislative
work dealing with cruise missles
I can identify with steelworkers. I can identify with workers that
have had a difficult time.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle addressing workers at
an Ohio steel plant,1988
[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy,
Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle during the Benson debate
Certainly, I know what to do, and when I am Vice President -- and
I will be -- there will be contingency plans under different sets of
situations and I tell you what, I'm not going to go out and hold a news
conference about it. I'm going to put it in a safe and keep it there! Does
that answer your question?
-- Vice President Dan Quayle when asked what he
would do if he assumed the Presidency,1988
Lookit, I've done it their way this far and now it's my turn. I'm
my own handler. Any questions? Ask me ... There's not going to be any more
handler stories because I'm the handler ... I'm Doctor Spin.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle responding to press reports of
his aides having to, in effect, "potty train" him.
I would guess that there's adequate low-income housing in this
country.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to
tomorrow or past to the -- to the back!
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
We will invest in our people, quality education, job opportunity,
family, neighborhood, and yes, a thing we call America.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
We'll let the sunshine in and shine on us, because today we're
happy and tomorrow we'll be even happier.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
We're going to have the best-educated American people in the
world.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
This election is about who's going to be the next President of the
United States!
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 1988
Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with
the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the
definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A
mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the
family, but that is a family and family values.
I've been very blessed with wonderful parents and a wonderful
family, and I am proud of my family. Anybody turns to their family. I have
a very good family. I'm very fortunate to have a very good family. I
believe very strongly in the family. It's one of the things we have in
our platform, is to talk about it.
I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we
want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my
family -- which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three
children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all
have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of
civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family.
And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this
Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family
means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing
that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: VAX001::SCHROEDER "Lemur Fun Kit (TM)" 1-APR-1991 16:31:34.03
To: @MALFOLKS
CC: JAMES CHRIS DREW KARL TOFFER JASON SCOTT
Subj: Tactical Uses for Cheese in Gaming!
"CHEESE IN THE HOME AND GARDEN"
An amateur users guide in several parts
1. Edam:
Full name Dnalloh ni Edam; a bright red marker-cheese handy for
warning the incautious - or thick - away from danger areas such as
garden ponds or unreprocessed Pot Noodles.
In larger sizes Edam makes reasonably aerodynamic ballista
ammunition. Incendiaries can be made by setting light to the wax
coating, though a quick dip in napalm improves burning, impact
lethality and - frankly - your own chances of a serious accident.
Caution, Edam is not a suitable port-side channel marker in
marine contexts - it sinks.
2. Gouda:
Indistinguishable from Edam except in features where they
differ. A well domesticated Netherlands cheese; it can be taught
simple tricks or simply rubbed on the affected parts. Try grouting
your bathroom tiles with it, or not.
3. Bree:
A runny, French, dioxin flavoured cheese. Definitely the home
cheesophile's first choice in the biochemical warfare sector. In the
native natural state it seethes with listeria and so can be simply
placed in a prominent location to scare off birds or the type of
pretentious git who thinks eating nasty frog crap is more
"sophisticated" than a good honest lump of traditional Taiwanese
cheddar.
4. Parmisan:
In powdered form this Italian cheese is especially useless
against slugs. In solid form it has greater potential. There is a
case on record of an Italian woman stabbing her husband to death with
a piece (honest!). It remains the only civilian cheese that can be
properly sharpened.
Broken into chunks and mixed with sand and cement it makes a
durable concrete. Be warned however that once in this form it should
not be eaten with pasta as constipation and probably agonizing death
will result. Parmisan chunks packed around approximately half a
pound of plastic explosive in a large rice pudding tin can form the
basis for just the kind of low cost anti-personnel ordinance we all
need for keeping children, dogs, anarchists and Stock, Aitken and
Waterman off the front lawn.
Next time: Gorgonzola - an economic alternative to mustard gas?
Cream cheese - in the bedroom, hanging upside down from
the light fitting, with a green salad, it's
a free country!
By Duncan Cockayne. Originally printed in issue #3 of _New Fusion_,
published by the University of Warwick Science Fiction & Fantasy
Society, Coventry, England. Reproduced without permission.
Robert D. Schroeder \ / The Minister O' Slack, The Lemur,
E-mail: schroeder@vax001.kenyon.edu X Screaming Prophet Of OTIS
Triumphant,
robert@bbs.shark.cs.fau.edu / \ and various other random entities
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"You can find gags anywhere, provided you're prepared to go into these odd
little places." - Terry Pratchett
________________________________________________________________
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE ISSUE #16
----------------------------------------------------------------
Neither censored nor edited. Deal.