339 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
339 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
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[PUD_2_6.TXT]
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PuD v2.06
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<EFBFBD> PuD 16?
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PUD_1_16 was never released and never will be. However, PUD_2_6 bears an
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uncanny resemblence to what PuD 16 was supposed to be. Hmm...
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Also, for some reason, many of the things mentioned in this hot new PuD
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issue (o3-26-93) are extremely outdated. I must be in a time lapse.
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<20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>-<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>-<2D><>Ŀ
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<20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20>
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| <20> <20>:)<29><> |
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: <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ٳ <20> <20> :
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<20> <20><> <20> <20> <20> <20>
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<20> <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ij <20><> <20>
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[PUD_1_16.TXT]
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<20><><EFBFBD> phUNDaMENTaLS <20><><EFBFBD>
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<20><><EFBFBD> of the <20><><EFBFBD>
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<20><><EFBFBD> THREE-TOeD SLoTH! <20><><EFBFBD>
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"Mom, do I suck as bad as they say I do?"
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- Roland De Graaf
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"Yes."
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- Mrs. De Graaf
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D<>SCL<43><4C>M<EFBFBD>R
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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Tô<EFBFBD> PiZZA UNDeRGROuND DiGEST ASSuMES N0 LIaBILiTY F0R ANY ABD0MiNAL CRAMPiNG,
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BODiLY DISFiGURATiON, OR MENTaL DISSENTiON CAuSED BY THE TEXT CONTAINED HEREiN.
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Thank you.
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<EFBFBD> IN THiS BUSiNESS, YOU LEaD, FOLLoW, 0R GET OuT OF THE WaY
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Lee Iacocca said that. We're back. It's us, PuD! Now, we all know that PuD
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is the public forum T/FiLE to end all T/FiLEZ, but every now and then we must
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swallow our lameness and do somethin' really swass. Look for the complete PuD
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Home Library desk reference set Volume 1! It's gonna be slick, suave, and an
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extreme waste of time if downloaded at 2400 bps! Yes!
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We're not too sure just how the first complete Volume release will be done
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yet. We plan to include all issues of PuD #1, as well as a possible bonus
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issue, a loader or two, a PuD Viewing util, and more. It should be k00l, and
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upwards of a 100k ARJ! What a waste of bytes!
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<EFBFBD> RESPoNSE <20> HaTE MAiL
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<EFBFBD> PRIVaTE E/MAiL: A PLaCE T0 RaNT & RaVE
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1/15: aaagh
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Name: Necrocixelsyd #9 @2506 (To NO COURiER)
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Date: Sun Feb 28 17:41:02 1993
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>I'll see you and your short, stumpy neck in hell. What kind of person is
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>against someone who owns llamas? I ask you. That would be like saying angels
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>suck or demons are christians.
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Yeah, whatever you Unix-hacking Satan's Llama. Angels do suck, and so do
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llamas. Christians are indeed evil, also. Who else would come up to my door
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and ask for donations to help a critically sick child?
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My response (Jed Clampett Voice): Them's there sick critter's good eatin'!
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Of course, they don't surpass the llama. Have an awful day.
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> Seriously, that pud was absolutely great. Of course, you realize I have to
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>kill you for insulting llamas now.
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They're all great. That goes without saying. What else do you expect from
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the one and only PiZZA UNDeRGR0uND DiGEST? Potatoes? Not here. Those are
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featured only in bullshit imitations.
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Kill me? Yhea, right. I'll get your llamii first. They have 9 lives, so
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there is most definately going to be a enchillama fiesta tonight!
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<EFBFBD> PUBLiC MAiL: A PLaCE TO SuCK UP
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35/50: Congratulations to Baphomet and No Courier
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Name: Necrocixelsyd #9 @2506
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Date: Sun Feb 28 17:37:35 1993
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>Pud 14 had me wrenching the llama burger I ate. I have rarely seen anything as
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>funny. Of course, I'll be watching my llamas tonight with a shotgun and a
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>modem.
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Thank you for the positive response. We have yet to post a llama burger
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recipe, but I should be shedding light upon YuMMY LLaMA FLaMB<4D> soon.
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Of course, when I shed light upon Llama Flamb<6D>, I'll set fire to your llamii.
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You had better load that shotgun.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Llama llama bobama banananana fo fama fee fi mo mama... LLaMA!
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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<20> Featured in this PuD <20>
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<EFBFBD> Christmas Time Congo-Wongo Bongo Mambo Dancing
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<EFBFBD> An Assessment of Roland De Graaf's Pathetic Life
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<EFBFBD> Is the Emu a Threat to the Llama's Theme Animal Monopoly?
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<EFBFBD> A PuD PRaNK KaLL
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<EFBFBD> Forced Vomiting: A Profitable Business
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<EFBFBD> PHundamentals of the Three-Toed Sloth
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<EFBFBD> Unjustified Satan's Mutt BASHiNG
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<EFBFBD> C0NG0-W0NG0 B0NG0 MaMB0 DANCiNG
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A while back, I met a certain sad wretch of a human, who had had some turbulent
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times dealing with his emotions towards certain people of the opposite gender.
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Let's call this sad soul Pod.
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One of Pod's latest hormonal frenzies has been toward this one rather eccentric
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girl, who works (lives, literally) at a record store. However, Pod could not
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adjust to the standard required for her hand: C0NG0-W0NG0 B0NG0 MaMB0 DANCiNG.
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C0NG0-W0NG0 B0NG0 MaMB0 DANCiNG is comparable to the Hokey Pokey on dangerous
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levels of acid. You must grin an awful lot while dancing in this fashion, and
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you may want to grunt and snort as well for better authenticity. The key to
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congo success is to buy a Jethro Tull CD from this girl as she dances like a
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freak. She is only trying to make a buck, and you are only trying to get the
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whore on her back. Pay the inflated $15.95.
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A nice thing to do to gain the congo girl's attention is to put a glove on your
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head, dance like a chicken, and recite Amozonian tribal hymns. This usually
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gets you right out in the center of the mall. If not, it will get you taken to
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court. Sink or swim. Go or C0NG0!
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I'm tired of this. Fuck it.
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<EFBFBD> An Assessment of Roland De Graaf's Pathetic Life
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Born in a barn - illegal abortion attempt proved futile
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Age 1 - Showed strange obsession with inefficient, cumbersome, idiotic things
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like Edsels, and his mom.
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Age 5 - Played with blocks a lot. He called them functions instead of units.
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Age 17 - Hit by a bus - Driver charged with Attempted Murder
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Age 22 - Acquired his first copy of QuickBasic
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Age 23 - Acquired first copies of Pascal, and C. Promptly Deleted.
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Age 25 - Released VBBS
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Age 26 - Hit by a bus - Driver awarded Patriot of the Month
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Age 27 - Released another rude version of VBBS - Lamers for miles around admire
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him, and even his mom cares for him just enough to spit on him once
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Age 28 - Hit by a bus - Author Repremanded for lack of creativity
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Age 30 - ASSASSiNATED BY PuD
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<EFBFBD> Is the Emu a threat to the Llama's Theme Animal Monopoly?
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No.
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<EFBFBD> A PuD PRaNK KaLL
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PuD: Hello, is Chris there?
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ViCTIM: I'm sorry; you must have the wrong number.
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PuD: Oops. I'm sorry to inconvenience you.
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ViCTIM: No problem. <click>
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<EFBFBD> PHuNDAMeNTALZ 0F THE THReE-T0eD SLoTH
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<EFBFBD> Forward by JUNior
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Phundamentals of the Three-Toed Sloth: the essay, poems, and thereoms
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introduced here by NO COURiER; the feature presentation of PuD 1:16.
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Hell, so far this issue has been 134 lines of trash, so we had best include
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something good. Phundamentals will open your eyes and enlighten your spirit,
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and let you learn to love and embrace the summit, the peak of mammalian
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evolution: The Three-Toed Sloth.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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<EFBFBD> Sloths in the Mist - an introductory poem by NO COURiER
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He who stalks the tree-dwelling arthropods
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And putters along at the speed liked best
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There he is; he is
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The sloth for our times
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<EFBFBD> Phundamentals - The Prose
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Ahh, I remember it like it was yesterday - my first experience with the
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three-toed sloth. I walked in to the tavern, feeling the blood rush to my head
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as I saw him sitting at the bar. This was the sloth to be feared. His name was
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Eggbert. Eggbert was renowned as the baddest sloth in the West - I as well as
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many an other feared him. His Mai Tai was on the house, yet he sat inside.
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The feelings of tension downed the rooms. Eggbert was wanted in 986 states.
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Somebody was bound to say something. He had proved a traitor to the god of
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crosstitch. Wanted dead or medium rare.
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I sat beside him. I watched his three foretoes slowly tap on the bar out of
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the corner of my eye. He was waiting for a word to be said. The 8/Track being
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played soon stopped The silence was deafening. A whisper evaded from a dark
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corner, and Eggbert, expecting a remark, rose to meet the offender. It was his
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mother, Frank. Eggbert quickly drew his gun and let the lead fly like eagles.
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He missed. Frank chose not to dissapoint her son, and collapsed to the
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floor. The gasps soon filled the tavern's stale air. I left. I don't know
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what happened after that, nor do I care, nor should you.
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<EFBFBD> Sloth Phundamentals - The Essay
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Sloths have been in fashion for some time now, beginning with Abigail Vrensky,
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an upstanding Sloth model who specialized in Toaster Cozies. For a long period
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of time, the Sloth fashion underground has been whispered in the offices of
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Vogue, Vanity Fair, and National Geographic. There is nothing more compelling
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than the sight of a graceful sloth in a sleek evening gown with sombrero.
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Lately, our friend the sloth has also had to accept the good and the bad. A
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bad rap, per se, has hung above the friendliest of sloths due to the human's
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ignorance of their nature. All slothic child sacrifices can be justified, in
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the name of the crosstitch god Thimble. The sloths try to select possible
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threats to society. They mean well.
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<EFBFBD> My Colleague The Sloth - The Farewell Poem
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Goodbye, my comrade.
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You have so helped me with my thought,
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But they are coming now, to supress all that you have taught.
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Farewell, my friend.
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The memories are held on to,
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But I can't go on without you.
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Won't you help me, noble one?
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Your wisdom lead us all through strife,
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but without your strength there can't be life.
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Will you assist us, gallant one?
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As the evil clock keeps ticking,
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my toenails need a clipping.
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You're the artisan.
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<EFBFBD> LeT'S BaSH SATaN'S MuTT
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A little while back, Baphomet and I stumbled across what we thought would be
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an exception to Huntsville's 110% LaME rule. Well, he seemed c00l at first, but
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let us examine the idiotic Satan's Mutt, or Intruder. He has proved to be the
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lamer to end all lamers - VBBS SysOps for miles around are proud of him.
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I first talked to Intruder via his BBS, where he instinctivly pulled me in to
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chat as soon as the modems connected.
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> I should of known from right there that he was quite lame.
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Anyway, I talked to him for a little while - he was running ViSiON v.83.
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> I should of known he was lame.
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Anyway, he was pretty cool for a little while - he seemed to know his shit
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better than most of the protazoa that disgraces Huntsville's modem community.
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I soon talked to him voice, and he was bragging about his Sony BetaMax.
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> I should of known he was very lame.
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He spoke of all the K/RaD k00l things he did in Ft. Worth, and how he was a
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major phreak and hacker and evrything - He knew what a PBX was. I was almost
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proud of sad-ass Huntsville for once. Approximately .00001 of it's population
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now knew what a PBX was. However, he soon came to bragging about how fast his
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keyboard refresh rate was.
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> I should of known he was very, very lame.
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Baphomet was nice enough (for once) to give the kid a copy of the new
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ViSiON/X. Of course, Intruder was still running (and still is today) a sad-ass
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copy of FrontDoor v2.01 Unreg'ed.
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> I should of known he was very, very, very lame.
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Baphomet was also nice enough for a little while to help out Intruder with his
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Pascal coding. Soon enough, Intruder couldn't clear the screen in Turbo Pascal
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without asking Baphomet for a toolkit.
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> I should of known he was VERY, VERY, VERY FUCKiN' lame.
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At this point, Baphomet and I realized that he was prone to fits of lameness.
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If only we knew that he would soon take the cake. Baphomet and I would crack on
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him often while speaking with him voice, but I don't think he realized we were
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serious. We started cracking on his very existance. "So, you want to form an
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alliance named after your rude attempt at a software development company?
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HA! Get a life you fuckin' lamer. Why don't you form your own alliance of fags
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with your suck-buddy VBBS friends."
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That was what the conversations started to amount to. He didn't seem to get
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the point.
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> I started to realize he was EXTREMeLY FUCKiN' lame.
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Eventually, he began to see that we really didn't like him very much. Boo
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fuckin' hoo, mama's boy. He started to get pissed when we wouldn't take him or
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his BBS seriously. He dropped carrier on us for joking around on his big bad
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Infoforms.
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> I started to realize he was the EPiTOME of lameness.
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One day, the loser decided to be all slick and try to hack a local WWiV board,
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Shade's, after I told him REPEATeDLY N0T to. I soon heard of all the bullshit,
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and the fuckin' idiot tries to tell me it was a joke, and he was just seeing if
|
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the new WWiV could be hacked like that, with the LAME-ASS pkunzip.bat.
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> I realized that I would dot his eye if we met in person.
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The lamer continued to deny it, as I chatted with him via one of his lame-ass
|
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ViSiON chat screens, and was being fed true information from Baphomet voice at
|
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the same time. He said he did it under his real name. "Is `Satan's Mutt' on
|
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|
your birth certificate?" I asked. I then had the decency to tell him that if he
|
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EVER, EVER, pissed me off AGAiN, I would knock him out, 'cuz momma said so.
|
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I'll have to jump to that soon.
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> I realized that I would KiLL HIM IF WE MeT IN PeRS0N.
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Now I hear NecroPixieStik need's Intruder's nose surgically removed from his
|
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ass. Somehow, Syd was groveled to enough to where he was specified as Co-SysOp
|
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of Intruder's board. Well Necro, I though you were pretty cool. A good source
|
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of free food. I must of been wrong...
|
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Soon enough, Intruder will see his IDE drives lose cylinders, and his .EXE and
|
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|
.COM files mysteriously disappear. Yeah, I'll do this under my REaL FUCKiN'
|
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|
NaME, T00.
|
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- NO COURiER
|
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|
<EFBFBD>-<2D><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> End PuD Issue 16, Volume 1 <20><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>-<2D>
|
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SUPPoRT:
|
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|
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|
E/MAiL any contributions or submissions to:
|
|||
|
|
NO COURiER ----------------- WWiVNet 2506@36
|
|||
|
|
Baphomet the Limbo King ---- WWiVNet 2506@14
|
|||
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|
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|
|
Catch the newest PuD issues on PROJeCT/X - 205.883.0894
|
|||
|
|
1200/14.4k WWiVNet @2506
|
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<*** End of FUCKiN File ***>
|
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<*** End of PUD_2_6.TXT ***>
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