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12 KiB
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205 lines
12 KiB
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\/____/_____\________/________/
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"<22><>/<2F><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><>i<EFBFBD><69> /><3E><>/>z" p<><70>z<EFBFBD><7A><EFBFBD>:
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RED-010.TXT aka
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"Letters to the Editor"
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by: Black Francis
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Ahh! We turn the big one-oh! Quite a milestone. Or maybe not. It's been
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going fairly well for everyone here, especially me. But, being the president
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of such an extremely ELiTE group such as ReD, and being the SysOp of the best
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board in Pennsylvania (heh), I end up getting a whole lot of stupid mail.
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I've been saving up most of this mail just so one day I could show my kids
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what a geek I was. But, since the file's grown pretty large, I've decided
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to release it as a ReD article. Notice -- if you believe any of this for
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even a second, you're a freaking moron. Except for the letter from Jeremy
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Kister, of course. That's completely real. Read on, Sparky...
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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WAKE UP! WAKE THE FUCK UP! HELP ME, I'M BEING KIDNAPPED! WAKE UP! You
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awake? Haha, sorry, just kidding. It's nothing, really. No problem here.
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A car alarm
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Right outside your apartment
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Black Francis:
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Guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender brings it to him and
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the guy drinks it. So the guy orders another, only this time it's a double.
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Barkeeper pours it and the guy downs it. This goes on for a while. Finally,
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the guy is so drunk he can barely stand. The bartender says, "Don't you
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think you've had enough?" but the guy demands another drink. Finally, he
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crawls out of the bar, gets in his car, and drives home, totally plastered
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out of his mind. He stumbles into the house and his wife is packing two
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suitcases. "Honey, are we going on a trip?" he slurs, and she says, "No. I'm
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leaving you because of your terrible drinking problem!" Hey, thank you, thank
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you. You're a great audience.
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Phil Darzynkiewycz
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Open-Mike Comedy Night at AA
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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We swam through all this shit and sucked all this blood. When do we become
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butterfiles?
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A Leech
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The Swamp
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Black Francis:
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I know you have a Volkswagen, and you know a fair amount about them, so I
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have a question: I own an '84 Rabbit GTI. Recently I ejaculated on the
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distributor advance. Can I expect a horsepower loss even though I advanced
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the ignition to about six degrees and adjusted the timing accordingly? Also,
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I'm thinking of pissing on my fuel injectors. Would you recommend this?
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N.U.D.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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Who said anything about venting? The vents are fine in here. In fact, we
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just installed AC.
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A Spleen
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Cool and comfortable
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behind the stomach
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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Last night on The Tonight Show, I heard Tony Danza mention that he would be
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appearing in a program on something called "CBS". Is this the mysterious
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"other network" I have heard reference to so many times? Where can I find it?
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Is there a special hookup invloved?
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Zeda Stengl
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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This is to inform you that, effective January 1, 1995, due to budget
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cutbacks, and rising fuel costs, time will now take the bus when having fun.
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Please plan accordingly.
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Bureau of Weights and Measures
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Washington, D.C.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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The first blade may cut us! The second blade may cut us again before we
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snap back! But nothing will ever crush our spirit!
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Che Follicle
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Trac II Resistance Movement
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Faces everywhere
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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Man, do you think it's just coincidence that the NEA and the DEA sound so
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much alike? No way. It's because they're both acronyms. Think about it.
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Pretty scary, huh?
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Frank E. Armstrong
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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Nice classroom, huh? Nice lounge, nice library. Notice anything missing?
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That's right, shmuck. We're nowhere to be found! Fooled you again, didn't
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we?
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All Those Gorgeous Babes
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In the university brochure
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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People say that rodeo clowning is one of the hardest jobs out there,
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because rodeo clowns must not only entertain the crowds but must distract
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enraged rodeo animals as well. In exchange, we are rewarded with awe and
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respect. Okay, fair enough. But I'd like to point out that hanging off a
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truck and picking up pieces of broken glass from the highway using nothing
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but your butt cheeks isn't such a goddamn great job either, and all I get is
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fifty cents over minumum wage. Put that in your go-figure file!
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Rusty O'Meara
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On break, I-95
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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Well, they promoted me to Angel right away, but then this dickbreath
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Foreangel assigns me to be the spirit who wakes kids up right before they wet
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the bed. So much for the rewards of leading a virtuous life!
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Micheal Landon
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The Bed-Wetting Fairy
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Heaven
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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I was watching Mr. Ed today and I noticed that the words did not really
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match up with his mouth when he was speaking. Was this because the show was
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filmed in a foreign language?
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Tom Parker
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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I know you are, but what is this?
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Pee-Wee Herman
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On the set of "Pup Tent Pee-Wee"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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This letter is not meant to be funny. It is intended to be sandwiched
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between two marginally funny letters, in order to make them seem funnier by
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comparison. Thank you.
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Randall & Meyers
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Humor Consultant to T-files
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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Hey! Reporters! Over here! I was poisoned! Really!
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William Henry Harrison
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Graveyard of presidents
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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Yeah! Me too!
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Franklin Pierce
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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Yeah! I was not only poisoned, I was shot, too! I didn't want to tell
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anyone, but I can't lie around with this secret anymore.
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Chester Alan Arthur
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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To better meet the needs of our students, our five-stage course on Dealing
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With Premature Ejaculation has now been reduced to three.
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The Learning Annex
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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Brain tumor? Who're they kidding? I was poisoned -- now get me out of
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here.
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Bert Convy
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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No.
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The Answer
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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You write those ReD articles, right? Well, I am a lonely overweight
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teenager who loves your articles. My only friends are the people I've met
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in its contents -- the funny characters, the strange situations, the people
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that you always talk about. Sure, I guess there's a lot in my lifestyle to
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laugh at, and most other kids think I'm pretty strange. But that's all right,
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because I've got my "friends" whom I meet and talk to over and over again.
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I also beat off a lot.
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Jeremy Kister
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie.
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Kissed the girls and made them cry.
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Summoned by the Discipline Board,
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Hung himself with an extension cord.
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Kerry Templeton
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Discipline Board Secretary
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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Crash! Tick tick tick tick tick. Doo dee doo doo doo dee doo. Woof woof
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woof woof woof woof! Biddlebiddlebiddleboodlezzzwhommm!
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Incoming Aliens Who
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Learned English by Beaming
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in Letterman, 60 Minutes,
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Jeopardy!, Arsenio,
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and A Current Affair
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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It stands for "Randy."
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Irving R. Levine
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NBC News, Washington
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Black Francis:
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If Sigourney Weaver is the thinking man's sex symbol, how come all I can
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think about is Christina Applegate?
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Harold Bloom
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Keep circulating the tapes.
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