185 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
185 lines
8.2 KiB
Plaintext
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____________________________
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\__ __ / ____/ \
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/ _/ ___/__ _/ \
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/ / \ / /
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/____/_____\________/________/
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"/<34|_|_-< 3|_i+3 />00/>Z"
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Kinda Proudly Present:
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RED-002.TXT aka
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"Why I Started Such an ELiTE Group"
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By that Sultan of Sexiness, Black Francis.
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Uh-huh. Yeah, that's right.. I run ReD. You know.. ReD. Uh.. c'mon,
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you know. Really ELiTE d00dz? Uhm, damnit. Oh well. Ok. I guess it seems
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pretty stupid to start another ripoff "lit" group, but, I am stupid, so I
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have all the reason in the world to go for the gusto. Throw caution into the
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wind. Wear sand paper underwear. Jump on a bicycle with no seat. You get
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the idea, I'm sure. I've always liked to write, but I kinda put it on hiatus
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for a while when I hit about 15 because, to put it truthfully, I ran out of
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good ideas. I'm sure some of you will agree with me when you see RED-003,
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"Them Damn Mentos Commercials!". Hehe. I also was on a "modem hiatus" for
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a few years. When I came back, I fumbled through your basic shareware boards
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for a while, and then the elite boards, and now I try to stay away from all
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of the above. Soooo.. I call a board which is basically t-files (Quick! Hide
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the kids! It's a Mogel-Land plug!), and I see everyone talking about all
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the nifty, ginchy, crazy, kookie text files they have online, so I go and
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leech some. Once I take a gander at them (some good, some sucking the
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slimiest moose balls you've ever seen) and somehow, without notice, I got the
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urge to write again. This time instead of brainstorming for hours, I go into
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the ol' DOS editor and begin pounding on the keys, babbling about anything
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that comes to mind. First, I wrote my article "The Plot to Kill Good Music"
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and uploaded it to the head of a "lit" group. He liked it, but didn't like
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it (uh-huh).. or something like that. Regardless, there I am with my little
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text file and nobody to show it to. Then, the idea hits me.
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"Hey. I'm pretty k-rad. I bet *I* could start a kewl t-file group, too!
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Then, all the chicks will dig me! I'll be a sweaty pulsating stud! Whee!"
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After juggling around some nifty names, I decided upon something that..
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would sum me up.. and sum up the group.. and make an ass out of me at the
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same time. A-ha! Really 3|_i+3 d00dz! Whee again! Now, we're on our
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second file, and I'm having a veritable barrel-'o-smelly primates! Whee to
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the third power! Now, I'm the envy of my peers. I'm the first on *MY*
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block to start a k-rad t-file group!
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I'd bet my left nut your saying to yourself, "Why golly, that sounds like
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a whoot. I wonder how *I* could start a t-file group, too."
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Have no fear, Spunky. I'd be glad to tell you how. As a matter of fact,
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it makes my nipples boil with excitement just thinking about it. So, without
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further adue, here goes:
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1) Brush up on your eliteness. I suggest the following k-rad exercises
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(please consult your doctor first):
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a) Try reading those damn ascii BBS ads that you get with warez.
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They'll help strenghten your eyes *AND* your ELiTE typing skills.
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b) Use phrases such as "That's kewl.", "Where's the warez?", "I'm no
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lamer, d00d!", "I'm ELiTE!", and "I hate feds! (or) Microsoft sux!"
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as much as you can. If possible, use them in everyday conversations.
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Here's an example:
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MOM : "Hi Timmy, how was school today?"
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YOU : "It was kewl, mom!"
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MOM : "We're having pizza for dinner tonight."
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YOU : "Kewl. I'm no lamer, d00d!"
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MOM : "I'm sure you're not, son. Would you like a snack first?"
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YOU : "Where's the warez?"
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MOM : "Sorry, I only got vanilla wafers and the market. I'll get some next
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time."
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YOU : "Microsoft sux!"
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MOM : "Excuse me?"
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YOU : "I'm ELiTE!"
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MOM : "Sure, honey. I think your dad wants to talk to you."
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See? Do that enough and you'll have it down to a science.
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2) Learn how to spell.
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3) Come up with a k-rad name! This is the fun part! Being the nice guy I
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am, I've come up with a simple chart to help you out. First, pick a
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word out of row A, then row B, then row C, and there you go!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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COLUMN A | COLUMN B | COLUMN C
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-------- | -------- | --------
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Totally | Elite | Morons
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Psychotic | Rad | Wah!
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Moronic | K-Rad | Stupid-Asses
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Retarded | Stinky, Sweaty | Dudes
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Fucking Stupid as all Hell | Eeny! | Guys
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Primordial | Fuckin' | Fellars
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Bad | Necrophiliac | Ameobas
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Ooney! | Stupid | Hairballs
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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* REMEMBER! * Insulting yourself and cursing until you're blue in the face is
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*GOOD*, and makes your new group *THAT* much more ELiTE!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Here are some examples of the nifty names you can come up with using no
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intuition at all:
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Totally Elite Morons - TeM (Wow! The ELiTEness is overwhelming!)
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Bad Rad Dudes - BRD (Nifty-o-rama!)
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Retarded K-Rad Guys - RKG (It's so k-rad, it hurts!)
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Fucking Stupid as all Hell Fuckin' Stupid-Asses - FSAAHFSA (Uhm..KEWL!)
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Primordial Necrophilic Ameobas - PNA (So ELiTE, it's banned in 34 states!)
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Ooeny! Eeny! Wah! - OEW (I dunno, but it must be rad!)
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Psychotic Stupid Hairballs - PSH (Lemme be a distro. site! Kewl!)
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The possibilities are virtually endless! Take what I've given you and run
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with it. The above was only a sampling. But remember, try to insult yourself
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and use curses as much as you possibly can. It's the ELiTE thing to do.
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Now, your group is ready to go. Next step is to get as many distro. sites
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and headquarters as you can, because that's really k-rad. Go for every
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single distro. site you can get, which is usually extremely easy to do (this
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is because the more k-rad affils a BBS has, the more ELiTE it is! Here's a
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simple formula to remember.. see if your feeble mind can fathom this: ELiTE =
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Good!). You'll also need headquarters, which are the same as distro. sites,
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but they have cooler names. For example, here are some headquarter ideas:
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1) World Headquarter
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2) Eastern and western Headquarters
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3) U.S. Headquarters
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4) Intergalactic Headquarters
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5) Guam Headquarters
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6) Mass Canned Cheese Production Headquarters
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7) Underwater Headquarters
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8) A Headquarters for every latitude
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9) A Headquarters for every longitude
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10) East Bumblefuck Headquarters
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11) Pants Headquarters (don't ask)
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12) Under-A-Big-Shiny-Rock Headquarters
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See, the possibilties are endless if you just put your mind to it. Now
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that you know how to make your own k-rad t-files group, I'll let you go now
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so you can get crackin' on your Toe Jam Headquarters. Until next time,
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stay kewl!! Yuck yuck yuck!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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K-Rad Greets II : The Son of K-Rad Greets!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Mogel - Hope I didn't rip too much stuff off, I tried not to.
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Archangel - Helmet here we come! Whee! Keep bagging those eggs, ass boy.
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Dahmer - What can I say? I don't feel sorry for you. You collected
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penises for crissakes.
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Me - I fucking rule.
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KeG - The most k-radiest, ELiTEest, cooliest, self-insultingist group
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out there.
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Keep circulating the tapes.
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Push the button, Frank.
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This space for rent.
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