textfiles/magazines/PEZ/pez_023.txt

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                        pEz monthly magazine % issue #23
                        
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  pEz monthly magazine jammy-jam % issue #23 % released may 3rd, ninety-five
   president and head writer :: black francis % head editor :: dead cheese
  all rights reserved, but two wrongs don't make a right % pEz monthly 1995

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 :: ingredients ::        
        
        crammed into this quality issue of pEz monthly :: welcome back!, sex
 with rusty utensils, pEz hits the net, reasons to contemplate suicide, kurt
 cobain - one year later, more commentary on the ansi scene, the secret hoe
 writer manifesto, scrabble, bi-sexuals, vampires, trent reznor, grunge, 
 jokes!, poetry!, anarchy!, my mother!, black francis' heart-wrenching "gene"
 poem, buses, what's hot and what's not?, inside jokes, spam, turnips, 
 rudyard kipling, courtney love, your all-purpose guide to stereotypes and
 much more!

        phew!

        trying saying that in one breath!
 
        yum!  gobble it up!

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 :: love letters from frannie ::
 
        well, fuck me with a rusty fork; we're back.

        i thought for sure that i would write one more issue of this dumb
 'zine and be done with it, but, i guess i was wrong.
        
        it's not that _i_ didn't enjoy writing pEz or anything, it's just
 that i was the only one who did.  or, so i thought.

        maybe i should just stop thinking all-together.

        from what i understand, issue twenty-two was somewhat of a sucess on
 the irc and such.  i've gotten very little feedback on it personally, but my
 little cohorts have informed me that they've gotten rave reviews after 
 distributing the issue through the irc.  as long as _someone_ enjoyed it, be
 it one or two people, i'm elated.

        actually, i really enjoyed writing the last issue and seeing 
 everything come together.  i had the chance to get a lot of things off of my
 chest, and i did just that.  in the end, i felt super-de-duper.  somewhat
 theraputic at the same time, i suppose.

        ten whole pEz fans can't be wrong!

        this puppie is huge.  much bigger than the previous issue.  this is
 because i actually had people submit articles to me for this issue.
        woo-hoo!  the response was so over-whelming (comparatively speaking),
 that i couldn't even cram it all in to this issue.

        this means new members.  aw yeah.  let's welcome the following kids
 to the pEz monthly crew;

 murmur (who submitted this issue),
 vengence (who also submitted this issue),
 and fortie (wow!  he submitted this issue, too!).

        all of which who will hopefully submit more to me in the future.

        i love you kids.

        pEz monthly now has an offical ftp site for you who are too lazy 
 and/or cheap to call up the whq or a local distribution site.

        ftp.fc.net :: pub/deadkat/misc

        etch that on your forehead now!

        also, if you haven't noticed by the slight name change, pEz is going
 monthly.  yup yup.  i guess there are a few reasons for that.
        one - we never really had a deadline.  it was more of a 'submit 
 whenever the hell you want to and we'll get it in when we can' type of deal.
 that's too disorganized, even for me.  if i felt like releasing a new pEz,
 i'd have to go and beg everyone for articles.  now, everyone knows, that
 around the 5th of each month, i'll be assembling the next issue for that
 month.  maybe if submissions keep coming in like this, and i get another
 computer to edit on, we can get pEz going bi-monthly, and maybe we can't.
        
        regardless, i think this is a change for the better.  kind of odd for
 a _real_ 'zine to go monthly, but, hey, we're alternative.

        oh yeah.  if you haven't caught on by now, the truely elite way of
 writing the name of this 'zine is "pEz monthly".

        pass it on.
 
        hugs and kisses;
        black francis [cia.pEz]
 
        oh yeah, i almost forgot; dead cheese actually submitted something
 this issue but it was too long and stuff!  it's good to see he's actually
 exploring the 'scene' outside of muds and i look forward to seeing more
 from him.

        after all, he is bearing my child.
 
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 :: ten reasons why you should die ::

 1.  you're not me.
 2.  you're different from me.
 3.  you're you.
 4.  you don't deserve the gift of life.
 5.  you're an idiot.
 6.  you'll never amount to anything.
 7.  you have bad personal hygiene.
 8.  you're stupid.
 9.  you're still reading this.
 10. i don't like you, and what i say goes.

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 :: muzak! ::   
 :: submitted by; vengence ::

        lately, as i wander through the hellhole that is my state, i notice 
 the increasingly disturbing presence of people who think they are 
 grunge/punk fans, but follow the most commercial of bands, and do nothing 
 but conform to whatever happens to be the latest trend.  not only does this 
 present the problem of the presence of these stains in our society, but 
 people who actually like these bands are stereotyped.  for example:

        kurt cobain killed himself last year, and, understandably, a lot of 
 people were very shooken up by this.  many american teens actually went as 
 far as to commit suicide themselves.  however, cobain's memory and music 
 were disgraced when the `grunge' crowd decided to hop on the `gone but not 
 forgotten' bandwagon.  suddenly everyone was an estranged nirvana fan... ok,
 fine, pretend to feel a loss when you don't.  but a full year after this 
 tragedy, the bandwagon is going strong as ever!  `gone but not forgotten' 
 t-shirts sporting cobain's death certificate can still be seen everywhere, 
 and people who didn't even know who nirvana was are now their biggest fan.  
 what is wrong with these people?  a minor rock icon kills himself, and 
 suddenly finds more of a following than he had in life?  are these people
 hoping for another album anytime soon?!  i personally have always enjoyed 
 the music of nirvana, but find that whenever i say so i am immediatly 
 labeled as the average grunge teenage follower, and am automatically assumed
 to be of the sort that listen to green day and offspring, and other shit 
 bands of that sort.  this is a problem... solution?

        _kill everyone involved_.  kill the little unwashed grunge fans, kill
 the offspring's lead singer and scalp his ass (that hair might be useful for
 pulling trucks outta the mud), kill billy joe (the little faggot) and anyone
 who thinks that accent is _real_, kill everyone involved or move them into 
 ghettos where they will then be moved into death camps.

        is that wrong?

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 :: rah rah sis boom bah ::

        here it is, for the first time ever in printed form; mogel's 
 impassioned call to recruit writers for hoe!

        remember, kids, you read it first in pEz monthly magazine!

 "it may suck,
 and it may blow,
 but i don't care.
 just write that hoe!"

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 :: solo projects ::
 :: submitted by; fortie ::

        i figured that for this pez i would write about all these solo packs 
 that artists are releasing.  here are my thoughts on it all.
        
        first off, i want to say that i'm indifferent when it comes to 
 deciding whether these are a good idea or a bad idea.  there are so many 
 reasons for both that i just havent been able to make up my mind.
        
        these days, a lot of the packs that seem to be coming out are around 
 a meg each, and some have even reached the point of being over two megs. 
 like most people that like art, i don't feel like downloading these huge 
 packs.  especially since all the art in it, if there is any, is not as high 
 quality. i think that these small groups just put out these huge packs, to 
 make them look good, big, or whatever.  personally, i get really pissed off, 
 when i go through 20 minutes of dl'ing a pack, and it turns out to be 
 worthless.  everyone has a chance at putting out good work, so instead of 
 make more, make quality instead.  so, i would have to say, that in this 
 sense, putting out solo projects is a pretty good idea.  it would be much 
 easier to dl'd the packs you want, by the artist you want.  i would much 
 rather get on to a board, and look for a pack from someone i like, than to 
 sit in front of my pc, and dl a one meg pack, just cause i want to see some 
 art by a specific person. 
        
        but, then we have the bad side to this.  nobody would ever get their 
 work seen.  this is what i mean: new ansi artists, who just start out, and 
 join a small group to get their artwork seen by people all over tha u.s. if 
 it turned out that no one had a group anymore, and we were just all 
 releasing solo packs, then there isn't too big of a chance that someone will 
 donwload it.  they'll look at who its by, and say, 'whut the fuck, i've 
 never even heard of this guy.  phunk that, im going to grab the new lord 
 jazz solo."  and, lastly, who wants to log onto a board, flagging about 
 50-60 packs every month?
        
        eh, who cares right?  it's just ansi art, so, phuck it. i just 
 thought that i should write about it, since i didn't have any other ideas.

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 :: miscellaneous white sauce; condiments; chapter 12 ::
 :: submitted by; murmur ::

        greg was going down, down in a blaze of glory.  he had been at the
 pinnacle of his game before the spleen injectant that caused the furious
 flurry that led to his subsequent burnout.  of course, it could (and has
 been) argued that there is a certain amount of luck in drawing the q, x, and 
 z each time, but it mattered not.  for greg was the finest, the champion of 
 the game, and this could never be taken away from him.  until years later 
 when the irs ransacked his suburban shack.

 moral: always try and have the x going two ways at once, preferably while
        sitting on a double or triple letter or word square.  and don't
        forget:  ox, ax, and xi are all good two-letter words.

                                                                slurpee.

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 :: cold toilet seats, dentist chairs, and trips to the dmv ::

        i bet if i were a bi-sexual gothic vampire, i'd be cool and popular
 and stuff!

        trent reznor; watch out!

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 :: frannie's joke corner! ::

        why are you so stupid?

        because i said so!

        ha ha ha!

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 :: frannie's poetry corner! ::
 
        before i begin, i would like to stress this since it hasn't quite
 gotten drilled into some peoples heads yet.  'lit' is short for 
 'literature'.  unbeknownest to some people in the 'scene', 'lit' does not
 mean strictly poetry.  'lit' can be anything from a song to a short story.

        hell, i'm writing 'lit' right now.

        please keep that in mind when speaking about 'lit'.  if you're 
 talking about poetry, do not call it 'lit', call it poetry.  for that's what
 it is.
        
        _anyway_;
        
        'lit' groups are popping up like flies.  better yet, they're popping        
 up like new ansi groups.  it seems to me like everybody and their mother is
 either writing lit., or starting their own lit group.  how many are there
 now?

        agnst.  souls at zero.  death.  carnage.  destruction.

        i don't know.  i lost count.  anyhow, i've never liked poetry to
 begin with, but, it's worse when it comes to the computer 'scene'.  it's 
 like one huge school literary magazine.  it's horrible.  it's become watered
 down, and it's lost it's meaning.  everyone's too busy shoving their agnst
 down your throat to stop and think about what poetry really is.  a way of
 expressing what you want to say in a, yes, cute way.  be it rhyming or
 whatnot, that's what poetry is.

        let's try to dig a point out of all this garbage, here.

        my point is that, i believe, anyone can write 'lit' in the 'scene'.
 i'm going to prove this by submitting some of my 'poetry' to the major 'lit'
 groups, and i'm going to see what kind of response i get.  i'm going to do
 this in two phases, which are the following;

        phase one - the goofy phase.  i'm just going to submit obviously
 stupid shit.  childish idiotic poetry.  most likely, it won't be accepted,
 but if it is, i'll be more than happy to see that my point was proven.  now,
 if that doesn't work, which i believe it won't, i'll move on to the second
 phase.

        phase two - i'm going to write some poetry that at least _sounds_
 serious, but i'll know different.  i'll take a minute or so out of my time
 to write a few poems that at least sound serious and ansgt-ridden, and
 distribute them.  if i get accepted, this will also prove my point, but will
 not be quite as obvious as the first attempt.

        i'll print the results of phase one in the next issue of pEz monthly.
 if you're curious as to what poetry i will be submitting for phase one, let
 me share some with you now;

 "gene"
 ======

 gene gene
 made a machine
 joe joe
 made it go
 art art
 blew a fart
 and blew the whole machine apart

        that's simply heart-warming.

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 :: frannie's anarchy corner! ::

        so, you want to be an anarchist, huh?

        well, put down that pipe bomb, stupid!  they're flippin' dangerous!
 you want to really sock it to the man?  you want to really make a
 difference?  well, then, all you need to do is listen to me, because unlike
 you, i know what the hell i'm doing.

        forget explosives.  they're dangerous and they cost money.  here's
 some simple useful anarchy (is there such a thing?) that's easy to do, and
 is risk-free so you can be an anarchist and still keep all your important
 appendages!

        first; you'll need a victim.  a target.  someone you wish to inflict
 anarchy upon.  mainly; a person of high-ranking social status or a political        
 figure.  some kind of important person, in general.  here's what you do ::

        walk up to them and repeat the following word-for-word.  if you don't
 do it word-for-word, it won't be anarchy!

  you :: "hello, (insert person of high-ranking social status or political
  figure here), please ask me if i'm a bus."
  victim :: "ok.  are you a bus?"
  you :: "no!  get hip to my anarchy!"

        now run away so you can go inflict anarchy upon someone else!

        now you're one step closer to toppling the government!

        anarchy tip :: if you would like to be a complete anarchist, you can
  sometimes substitute the word "bus" with the word "tree" and it still 
  works!  rad!
 
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 :: the corner of 5th and chestnut! ::

        my mommy works here.

        get it?  she's a whore!  she has sex for money!  i just insulted my
 own mother!  how dispicable.

        ha ha!  i'm so funny, it hurts!

        ha ha!  ho ho!  ow.

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 :: the mogtronix instant inside-joke maker 2000 ::
 :: submitted by; grandmaster mogel ::


        "mommie!@@!1" you cry out loud into the night as you awake from yet
 another one of those nightmares with large hairy men that smell like taco
 salads in their arm pits.  those dreams are getting more realistic by the 
 day, aren't they?  i think it's time to get professional help.  mogel help.

        inside jokes.  the whole idea of it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  
 a bunch of people that are in some group have a joke and they're the only 
 ones that get it.  i wonder why people can't make universal humor more 
 often.  something like pure wit, that transcends petty goofiness.  

        what the hell am I talking about?  someone slap me next time I babble
 like that.  the truth is that making special groups and cliques is wonderful 
 and very human.  it's great to leave people out!  it makes my butt cheeks 
 tingle at the very thought of making someone feel like an outsider.  that's 
 why i've put inside jokes down to a study.

        check it out, you wanna be the stud at parties don't you?!  you want 
 all the girlies (with big titties!) to come talk to you right.  but you 
 don't have muscles, a personality, looks, or money.  what the hell are you 
 to do?  you have nothing to offer anyone.  you'll make no friends except 
 that retard kid down the street that no one talks to because he beats 
 himself with tree branches and laughs for hours on ends at the site of any 
 passing blue car.  you'll die a 60-year-old virgin.  is that a life?!  is 
 that a motherfucking life!?  no, it is not a motherfucking life!  so, i ask 
 again in a fit of redundance, what are you to do?!

        enter the 'inside joke'.  now you have a chance to tango with the big
 boys.  when someone walks up to you all you gotta do is say the most goofy,
 rude, and asinine thing that comes to your minds.
 
 example:

 girlie -> hello.  could you move out of the way so I can use the bathroom?
 you -> don't you wanna see my 'corpus cavernosum'?
 girlie -> oh, only if you wanna out it in my 'posterior commissure'!

        see what i mean?  here's a good rule to follow:  you play stupid - 
 others will follow.  it's as simple as that.  on deeper analysis you'll see 
 that the inside joke is actually a tool to make everyone have something to 
 talk about, thus there won't be awkward silences that peirce the night like 
 the rage of a cow being milked.
 
        at this point i'm one hundred percent sure that all of you are saying 
 to yourselves "this whole thing is all very interesting, eccentric, and 
 boring at the same time mogel.  good job.  but how can I make my _own_ 
 inside jokes?!"

        phear no more.  making inside jokes are easy.  they are invented all 
 the time.  there are two more common types:

 type 1 - 'i said something oh-so funny!  let's totally ruin it's humor!'

        this is the type of inside joke where someone has cracked a joke 
 while a group of you are hanging out.  for example, if a group of guys 
 were sitting at a 2600 meeting and one of them said "let's make a new type 
 of box for phreakers - the shoe box!" and the other laughed lots and replied
 "i'd rather make the sand box."

        bingo, following this "conversation" that me and frannie had once, 
 you see the invention of an inside joke.  later, we proceeded to say "wow!
 let's hack it!" whenever we came across any form of electronics or machinery
 anywhere.  basically the idea behind this type of inside joke is to take 
 something funny that was said in a conversation and relay it in all it's 
 various varieties over and over again, making the people that know the joke 
 laugh.  this idea is so easy it's a wonder that there's so many losers that
 don't get it.  just say goofy stuff with a little humor, and if people laugh
 go into overkill mode and say the joke until their ears bleed at that 
 crucial 'this is the right time to say it' time.  this type of joke often 
 dies after a while, but fortunately, it's so easy to create these types of 
 inside jokes there's no chance of any real conversation with depth or 
 meaning.  yes!@$#!1

 type 2 - 'here's something totally random - stick with it forever!'

        this is the most interesting type of joke because it makes people 
 laugh, but (by great irony) it's simply not funny.  amazing but true.  i'm 
 told that dead cheese is a master of this fatal special super-natural 
 ability.  well, phear me magical cheese boy - i'm giving away the secret 
 plans!
                                                            
        this type of inside joke is created by letting your mind sit free and
 wander.  after you wander you drink a sprite and watch some T.V.  after you
 watch some t.v. and you masturbate to re-runs of _three's company_, your 
 mind comes up with a completely and totally random idea.

        random meaning something with that oh-so insignificant quality.  it's
 best when it's something that sounds awkward and is a bit silly.

        spam.  turnip.  rubber wallaby.  rutabaga.  chumpy galoshes.  maple 
 syrup.  toaster hacker.  blue severed hamster head.  rutabaga.  turtle.  
 paper clip.  rudyard kipling.

        getting the idea?  find that one object and nail the world with it 
 'til they get so sick of you they want to molest you like the psychotic 
 kiddie porn downloading ansi-artist you *are*.  just accept it and move on 
 with your life.  i know for a fact that abigwar will carry his 'wombat' 
 thing to his grave.  cdc has latched on to the awkwardness of the common 
 cow.  just use it or lose it.  that's what I say.

        at any rate, i hope this article served as a good introduction into 
 the exciting and profitable career of inside-jokes.  go outside right now 
 and show off your new talents.  that's right!  go!  run into the woods naked 
 tell everyone.  they'll not only approve - it'll be an (*ding!*) inside 
 joke.  don't go to the bathroom for three weeks and then pee the full load 
 on your grandma.  she'll laugh for days.  the possibilities are infinite.
 have fun my children, and remember:

        it's not what you say - it's how you say it!

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 :: holier than thou (how's that for witty?) ::
 
        "oh shit.  kurt's dead.  quick!  grab that courtney chick!"
        - mtv, 1994, after hearing the news of kurt cobain's suidice.
        
        i am; doll parts.  what the hell?  either that's extremely genius and
 cryptic, or it's just really stupid and pathetic.
        
        i'm opting for stupid and pathetic.

        hole's enjoyed an incredible, almost overwhelming, amount of success
 as of late.  having "live through this" voted the best album of the year,
 securing a spot as one of the headlining acts on lollapalooza, and topping
 the billboard pop charts for a nice chunk of the year, hole has become a
 household name.  kind of strange for a small band that has basically 
 forgotten it's roots as a new york based riot grrrl band, and we all know
 how unsuccessful riot grrrl bands turn out, now, don't we?

        one thing made all of that possible.  a small-scale disaster.  the
 suicide of hole's lead singer, courtney love's, husband; kurt cobain.  
 
 
        follow me, here?

        actually, i've heard many things that are supposedly responsible for
 hole's fame and fortune.  i know, for a fact, that it is only due to kurt's
 suicide.  let's face it; hole has no talent.  none, whatsoever.  if they're
 the genius band that everyone praises them to be, how come their first 
 effort, "pretty on the inside", was such a miserable failire?  because hole
 sucks.  it's that simple.
 
        let's look at some of the other reasons hole may be popular, analyse
 them, and show just how extremely and terribly wrong they are ::

        myth #1 - courtney love is a good singer.
        =========================================
        
        oh please!  i've heard better screeching come out of a dying cat.  we
 all know she can't sing.  why she even bothers is mind-boggling.  her voice
 makes me want to claw my own eyeballs out.  it's _that_ horrible.

        you remember that woman in rhode island or whatever that had a 
 seizure every time she heard mary hart's (of entertainment tonight) voice?
        _that's_ what courtney love's voice does to me.  it's vomit-inducing.

        myth #2 - courtney love's lyrics are genius
        ===========================================

        i don't think so.  let's take a look at some of her "genius" lyrics;

        "they get what they want, and they never want it again"
        - violet, from; "live through this"

        of course they don't want it.  they already have it.

        "i'm miss world.  somebody kill me.  give me pills."
        - miss world, from; "live through this"

        this is completely mind boggling.  hey.  if you didn't want to win
 the miss world competition, maybe you shouldn't have entered.  eek.  i'd 
 hate to see the swimsuit competition.  argh!

        someone give her those fucking pills she keeps asking for and maybe,
 just maybe, she'll shut up.

        myth #3 - hole is a good noise band
        ===================================

        i admit.  hole is noisy, but, they're not good.  now, it's not that
 hard to start a "noise" band and be good at it.  hell, it's just a bunch of
 noise, but hole can't even do that.  that's a true sign of a talentless 
 group.

        nobody in that band is a good musician.  they're all revoltingly 
 medicore.  the guitarist.  the other guitarist.  the bassist.  the drummer.
 they're all horribly medicore.  i've heard better from local bands.

        there's nothing left.  the music, the lyrics, and the singer are all
 shit.  they all amount to a pile of shit.  so, that only proves that the
 reason they're popular, is because a certain someone blasted a hole in their
 head and the alternateen crowd latched onto them like a leech, and the world
 is a worse place because of it.

        now we've got to put up with courtney love's shit.  her little 
 illiterate ramblings on aol, her temper tantrums at concerts, her fights,
 her apperances at social events, hobnobbing (is that even a word?) with
 actual celebrities.

        courtney love is quickly becoming the yoko ono of "alternative" 
 music, and we're giving her a reason to do it by buying her albums, etc.

        let's hope that during her set at lollapalooza, there's a good band
 on the second stage.  if not, i don't know if i can entertain myself through
 the whole set simply by giving her the finger and yelling obscenities.
        speaking of lollapaloza, think of the crowd that hole is going to 
 draw.  alternateens, young and old, flocking to see their queen do her thing
 in front of thousands of people who simply want to see a good show.

        how depressing.

        courtney love, as a person, amounts to a pile of shit.  i truely feel
 sorry for her daughter, frances bean, who has to live with her and the fact
 that her father was a manic depressive who couldn't handle the trials of
 stardom.
        which reminds me.  remember why kurt cobain couldn't handle it 
 anymore?  because of fame and fortune.  because nirvana was a household 
 name.  because whatever he did, he couldn't get out of the spotlight.  so,
 what do we do to honor his life?  exploit him, his band, and his name 100x
 more than it has ever been exploited.

        courtney love is no help.  while on a recent trip to philadelphia, 
 she stopped in zipperhead.  zipperhead happened to be carrying a kurt cobain
 death certificate t-shirt (which i'm not glamorizing in the slightest).
        uh-oh.  a recipe for disaster.
        courtney goes off on a tangent, knocking over racks of clothing and
 cursing out the employees.  
        it's their job to sell that idiotic shirt, stupid.
        this isn't an isolated incident.  not by a far stretch of the 
 imagination.  courtney love has gotten into trouble at shows, at home, doing
 everyday things, and even at the oscars.  it's a hobby of hers.

        what kind of self-respecting person would go to the oscars in the 
 first place, let alone a "fuck the world and everyone on it" type of person
 like courtney love?  why was she, of all people, at the _oscars_?  not only
 was she at the oscars, but she attending with another woman, supposedly her
 girlfriend.
        courtney love - bisexual?  there's a big suprise.  i knew it was only
 a matter of time before she leaped onto that bandwagon.  her girlfriend was
 a cute one, too.  that truely suprises me.  courtney love has the good looks
 of roadkill.  she's pale, has big features, and is just downright trasy
 looking.  real trailer-park material.

        that wouldn't make a difference to me if she was actually talented, 
 or i actually enjoyed her music, but i don't.

        there's no easy way to end this rant.  i guess you should let 
 everyone be what they want, do what they want, and go on with your life,
 but there's something about courtney love and her success that drives me
 absolutely mad.

        jealousy?  maybe.  who knows?  if my philosophy about bad music and
 horrible "celebrities" is correct, it'll all blow over soon.

        after all, courtney's fifteen minutes are just about up.  you can 
 only make an ass out of yourself for so long.

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 :: pEz monthly's guide to stereotypes ::

        i figured, since there were so many ignorant bigot-types in the
 computer 'scene', i may as well help them out some, seeing how they need
 all the help they can possibly get.

        thus, i decided to make a guide to stereotypes.  this is for the 
 discriminating ignorant piece of shit who wants to make sure they know
 what they're talking about when they insult a black person, a jew, or even
 a homosexual.

        simply look up the group that you would like to insult, and take it
 from there.  you can't go wrong!  i made it idiot proof since most people
 who stereotype are, in fact, idiots.
        
        you can thank me later.


        group           stereotype
        =====           ==========
        
        white people    white people are always rich and stuck up.  none of
                        them can dance for shit, and they have no soul.  they
                        all listen to barry manilow and drive expensive cars.
                        their asses are really tight and they're all named
                        "biff" or "buffy" or something completely unheard of.
                        they're all completely racist and most of the time,
                        extremely stupid.  they enjoy becoming cops so they
                        can pull minorities out of their cars and beat them
                        senseless.
        
        black people    black people all have huge dicks.  that's right.  i'm
                        talking, one foot long and all that.  that's how they
                        talk to, like they're straight out of a dr. dre song.
                        they all like rap and r&b and won't hesitate to mug
                        you for a few dollars.  they're all loud.  they all
                        watch martin, and when they laugh, they stand up and
                        slap each other and things.  they have brillo pads
                        for hair.
        
        homosexuals     they're always feminie.  always.  all they ever think
                        about is sex, sex, sex!  they always want to get the
                        homophobic guys in bed, too.  you know the ones, the
                        ones who say, "hey, get away, faggot!"  they _always_
                        lust after those guys.  they all talk with lisps, and
                        they all listen to techno or disco.  all they do is
                        hang out at gay bars and try to molest little boys.
                        it's true!
        
        hispanics       all hispanics ride lowriders with lots of bass and 
                        they have those silly little crown air freshners on
                        the dash.  they're also all very short.  they all 
                        talk like tattoo from fantasy island and say, 
                        "holmes" and "chicho" a lot.
        
        jewish people   all jewish people whine when they talk, and they're
                        all cheapskates who will fight you for a few cents.
                        they all have big noses.  they're all filthy rich
                        because they take over all of our stores and 
                        everything.  the women are all gold-diggers and all
                        of them wear those splatter paint jogging suits with
                        big gold gaudy sunglasses.
        
        catholics       catholics are straight as an arrow.  no sex until
                        marraige.  no drugs.  no rock and roll.  they're all
                        hyprocrites who never think about sex or anything
                        slightly "evil" or "immoral".
        
        asians          the asians are taking over our businesses.  they're
                        buying all of our stores out and taking over our
                        country.  they all talk funny, they all look the 
                        same, they all talk fast, and all their eyes are
                        paper thin - just like them.  uh-huh.  they're never
                        fat.  nope.  it's from eating all of that sushi.
                        they all take of their shoes when entering their
                        houses, which are made of paper and carpeted with
                        mats.

        hope that this has been some kind of help, you ignorant fuck-head!
 
 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================

 :: what's hot and what really completely sucks ::

        hey.  someone told me if i named this section, "what's hot and what's
 not", it would rhyme and be even spiffier!

        well, i'll be damned!  they're right!

        oh well.  that's just too darn witty for me.

        hot                                     completely un-hot
        ===                                     =================
        jonas                                   jonas
        angst                                   peace, love, and happiness!
        ferrets                                 hamsters
        teen porn                               kid porn
        'zines                                  colored blocks 
        'cyberpunks'                            'cybersluts'
        inside jokes                            trash (inside joke!)
        white trash                             yuppies (were they ever in?)
        being different                         conforming
        hypnotism                               subliminal messages
        black francis                           everyone else (again?)
        
        now you can be cool like me!

        gotta run, my tv dinner is done!

        i lub you!

 ============================================================================
 ============================================================================
 
 :: bye bye now ::

        thanks for joining us once again.  we hope you've thouroughly enjoyed
 this issue and would like to remind you to keep your seatbelts fastened, and
 please make sure your chair is in a full up-right position.

        this issue of pEz monthly has been brought to you by x, p, and the
 number twelve.
 
        join us next month for more on music, posers, homophobia in the
 'scene', frannie's quest to get in a 'lit' group, and much much more.

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