308 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
308 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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***** *****
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***** ***
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*** ** *** ***
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*** ** *** *** *** *******
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*** ** *** *** *** *******
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*** ***** *** *** *** ***
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***** ***** ****** ** ******
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****** ****** ****
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*** *** ***
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*** *** *** *** *** ****
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*** ***** *** ****** *** **** *** *** *** **
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*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***** ***
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****** ****** *** *** *** *** *** ** ***
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**** **** ****** *** **** *** ****
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Electronic Humor Magazine. Volume 8, Number 3 December 1990
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Well here it is, a bit rushed, a bit late and a little thinner than some of the
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nutworks issues of the past. I would like to thank all those who sent postings
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to the list during the year and those who sent me submissions for this NutWorks
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issue. In particular I would like to thank Benny Lebovits and Murph Sewall for
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his many Henry Cate III posts (Murph, please send our best wishes to Henry).
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Finally .... Merry Christmas and a Nutty new year to ye all ...
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Joe Desbonnet.
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December 1990
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December Friends & lovers [M]agazine
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-------------------------------------
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12 Days of Christmas by Silverado122
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(Submitted by EGS317@ALBNYVMS)
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*****************************************************************************
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12/14/89
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Dearest John,
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You angel! What an unusual and lovely gift. I have discarded that old floor
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lamp I had and put the pear tree in that corner. And the partridge just loves
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it.
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All my love,
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Agnes
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*****************************************************************************
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12/15/89
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Dearest John,
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I thank you and so does the partridge. Two turtle doves--how delightful!
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They are so adorable and they make wonderful company for the partridge.
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All my love,
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Agnes
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*****************************************************************************
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12/16/89
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Dear John,
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Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve
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such generosity--three French hens, of all things. Really John, they are just
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darling, but I must insist...you have been too kind.
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Love,
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Agnes
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*****************************************************************************
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12/17/89
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Dear John,
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Don't you think enough is enough? They are beautiful, but what am I to do
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with four calling birds?
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Affectionately,
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Agnes
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*****************************************************************************
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12/18/89
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Dear John,
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You are so impossible, but I love it. Today the postman brought your lovely
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surprise--five golden rings, one for every finger. I feel so much better now
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about those birds; their squawking was beginning to get on my nerves, until
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the rings arrived.
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All my love,
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Agnes
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*****************************************************************************
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12/19/89
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Dear John,
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What the hell?! I opened my door this morning and found six geese a-laying
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on my front steps. So you are back to the birds again.
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Listen John, these damn geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them?
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Besides, the neighbors are beginning to complain, and who is going to be able
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to sleep through all this racket?
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Please stop.
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Cordially,
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Agnes
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*****************************************************************************
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12/20/89
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John:
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What's with you and those fucking birds? Is this some kind of a goddamn
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joke? Seven swans a-swimming.....my ass! There's birdshit all over the house,
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and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night, and I'm turning
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into a nervous wreck.
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This isn't funny, John. So stop with those fucking birds, OK?
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Sincerely,
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Agnes
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*****************************************************************************
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12/21/89
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OK Buster,
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So you quit sending birds. Now what in hell do you expect me to do with 8
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maids a-milking? They also brought their goddamn cows with them, naturally,
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how else could they be a-milking? So now there's cowshit as well as birdshit
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all over the place and I can't move in my own house.
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Lay off, will you?
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Agnes
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*****************************************************************************
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12/22/89
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Shithead:
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What are you, some kind of a sadist? Now there's 9 pipers piping. And
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Christ, do they play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got
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here yesterday morning. There's 9 of them and 8 of the maids, and I'm getting
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tired of running!
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Besides, the cows are getting all upset and they're stepping all over those
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screeching birds. What the hell am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
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petition to evict me.
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You'll get yours,
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Agnes
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*****************************************************************************
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12/23/89
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You rotten prick:
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Now there are 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why anybody would call those
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sluts "ladies". They've been balling those pipers all night long, which is a
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break for me and the eight former maids.
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Now the cows have diarrhea and my living room is a river of shit. The
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Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building
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should not be condemned.
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You bastard. I'm going to sick the police on you!
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One who means it!
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*****************************************************************************
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12/24/89
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Listen, Dickhead!
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What with 11 lords a-leaping on those ex-maids and ladies--after the pipers
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got through with them--some of those broads will never walk again. Now the
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lords and pipers are going to work on the cows! One cow, in her mad dash to
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avoid rape, impaled herself on the pear tree, causing the partridge to die of
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fright.
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In addition to which, all the other fucking birds are dead. They've been
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trampled to death in the orgy.
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I hope you're satisfied, you rotten mother.
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Your sworn enemy
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*****************************************************************************
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Peters, Peters, Peters & More
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Attorneys at Law
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1104 Main Ave.
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Youngstown, Ohio
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December 25, 1989
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Dear Sir:
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This is to inform you that you have been enjoined from having contact with
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our client, Miss Agnes Baird, directly or indirectly, from this day forward.
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This means that if you attempt to see Miss Baird at the Happy Valley
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Sanitarium, the attendants there have orders to shoot you on sight.
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Your latest gift to Miss Baird, 12 fiddlers fiddling, were last seen
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fiddling their way through 30 tons of cowshit and birdshit, and in and around
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a bunch of pretty beat maids, ladies, pipers and lords. The destruction, of
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course, was total.
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A warrant for your arrest will follow. Merry Christmas.
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Cordially,
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C.R. Aubrey Peters
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CRAP:tr
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********************************* E N D *************************************
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Traditional, seasonal poem revisited.
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Submitted by FAJR9224@WOOSTER
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better !pout !cry
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better watchout
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lpr why
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santa claus <north pole >town
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cat /etc/passwd >list
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ncheck list
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ncheck list
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cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
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cat list | grep nice >giftlist
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santa claus <north pole > town
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who | grep sleeping
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who | grep awake
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who | grep bad || good
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for (goodness sake) {
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be good
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}
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(by Frank Carey, AT&T Bell Laboratories, 1985)
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And heres a DCL port of the above ...
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$ better /nopout /nocry
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$ better /watchout
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$ print why
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$ santa_claus /input=north pole /output=town
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$ mcr authorize
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list
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exit
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$ analyze/rms_file/check sysuaf.lis
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$ analyze/rms_file/check sysuaf.lis
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$ search sysuaf.lis naughty /output=nogift.lis
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$ search sysuaf.lis nice /outuput=gift.lis
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$ santa_claus /input=north pole /output=town
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$ show user /interactive/output=users.lis
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$ search users.lis sleeping
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$ search users.lis awake
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$ search users.lis bad
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$ search users.lis good
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$ loop:
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$ be good
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$ if goodness_sake then $ goto loop
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(DCL port by James R. Dishaw)
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Happy holidays.
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James R. Dishaw
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JDISHAW@POMONA.CLAREMONT.EDU
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The first law of draughting states that you can connect any three points by
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a straight line - if you make thick enough. -- BLIBERG@TAUNIVM "uri"
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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NOCHE BUENO
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Submitted by CS110255@YUSol (GREG GORING)
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`Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the casa
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Not a creature was stirring. Caramba! Que pasa?
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Los ninos were all tucked away in their camas,
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Some in long calzones, some in pajamas.
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While Mama worked late in her little cocina,
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El viejo was down at the corner cantina
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Living it up with amigos. Carracho!
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Muy contento and poco borracho!
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While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado
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In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado
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To bring all the ninos, both buenos and malos,
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A nice bunch of dulces and other regalos.
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Outside in the yard there arose such a grito
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That I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito.
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I ran to the window and looked out afuera,
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And who in the world do you think that it era?
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Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero
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Came dashing along like a crazy bombero.
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And pulling his sleigh, instead of venados,
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Were eight little burros, approaching volados.
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I watched as they came, and this quaint little hombre
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Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre
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"Ay, Pancho! Ay, Pepe! Ay, Cuca! Ay, Beto!
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Ay, Chato! Ay, Chopo! Maruca y Nieto!"
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Then, standing erect with his hand on his pecho,
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He flew to the top of our very own techo.
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With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea
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He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea.
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Then, huffing and puffing, at last to our sala
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With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,
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He filled all the stockings with lovely regalos
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For none of los ninos had been very malos.
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Then chuckling aloud, seeming muy contento,
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He turned like a flash and was gone like the viento.
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And I heard him exclaim -- and this is verdad --
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"Merry Christmas to all! Feliz Navidad!"
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Original author unknown.
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End of NutWorks Volume 8 Number 3
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*********************************
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