422 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
422 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
***** *****
|
||
|
|
***** ***
|
||
|
|
*** ** *** ***
|
||
|
|
*** ** *** *** *** *******
|
||
|
|
*** ** *** *** *** *******
|
||
|
|
*** ***** *** *** *** ***
|
||
|
|
***** ***** ****** ** ******
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
****** ****** ****
|
||
|
|
*** *** ***
|
||
|
|
*** *** *** *** *** ****
|
||
|
|
*** ***** *** ****** *** **** *** *** *** **
|
||
|
|
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***** ***
|
||
|
|
****** ****** *** *** *** *** *** ** ***
|
||
|
|
**** **** ****** *** **** *** ****
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Electronic Humor Magazine.
|
||
|
|
Issue015, (Volume IV, Number 1). January, 1987.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
|
||
|
|
Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
"Kinky" is when you use a feather;
|
||
|
|
"perverted" is when you use the whole chicken.
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
Contents
|
||
|
|
========
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
NewsWorks ...................... Points of Interest
|
||
|
|
Nuts & Bolts ................... Commentary
|
||
|
|
The King of Beers .............. Joke
|
||
|
|
Compaq ......................... Advertisement
|
||
|
|
How to Know When
|
||
|
|
You're Growing Older ........... Advice
|
||
|
|
Nature's Kitchen ............... Announcement
|
||
|
|
Mr. Smith ...................... Shaggy Dog
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
NewsWorks
|
||
|
|
=========
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Good evening Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea, partic-
|
||
|
|
ularly a certain speedboat off the coast of Florida: DON'T LAND AT KEY
|
||
|
|
WEST! REPEAT: DON'T HIT KEY WEST! THEY'RE ONTO US! THEY'RE... (thud)
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
(We apologize for the previous news announcement. We return you now
|
||
|
|
to our regularly scheduled news program.)
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
A hardy "Hi folks!" to the latest subscribers to this journal. We
|
||
|
|
hope you enjoy it! If you do, tell two friends about it, and they'll
|
||
|
|
tell two friends, and so on, and so on, and we'll just have to have a
|
||
|
|
massive party to celebrate! OK? Great! BYOx (where "x" is a member of
|
||
|
|
a finite set of intoxicating and/or obscene elements.)
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Just a reminder that back issues of NutWorks are available almost
|
||
|
|
anywhere. When in doubt, however, you can retrieve back issues from
|
||
|
|
TCSSERVE@TCSVM.BITNET by sending it the following message:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
SENDme NUTWORKS ISSUExxx
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
At any given time, the six most recent back issues of NutWorks can also
|
||
|
|
be retrieved from CSNEWS@MAINE.BITNET by sending it this message:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
SENDme NUTWORKS ISSUExxx FROM EMAGS
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
If you can't send messages, or are just plain lazy or something, you can
|
||
|
|
request back issues of NutWorks by sending a MAIL file to the NutWorks
|
||
|
|
editor and, if he is having a reasonably stress-free day, he will ship
|
||
|
|
the back issues out to you as fast as his little fingers can carry him.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The NutWorks staff would like to remind readers that the deadline
|
||
|
|
for submitting your song parodies (for the Special Song Parody Issue) is
|
||
|
|
February 1, 1987. Here's an small example of a song parody:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Social Quarantine
|
||
|
|
-----------------
|
||
|
|
Sung to the tune of: Yellow Submarine
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
In the town
|
||
|
|
where I was born,
|
||
|
|
Lived a man
|
||
|
|
who had V.D.
|
||
|
|
And he gave
|
||
|
|
it to the girls,
|
||
|
|
And the girls
|
||
|
|
gave it to me...
|
||
|
|
<chorus>
|
||
|
|
We all live in a social quarantine,
|
||
|
|
...social quarantine,
|
||
|
|
...social quarantine.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
As always, we are eager to receive *any* original, humorous articles on
|
||
|
|
any topic. All contributions may be sent to the editor.
|
||
|
|
Thanks,
|
||
|
|
The NutWorks Staff
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
______________________
|
||
|
|
_#____________________ <---------- Recent photograph of the
|
||
|
|
______________________ NutWorks staff on vacation
|
||
|
|
______________________ in the key of G.
|
||
|
|
______________________
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Nuts & Bolts
|
||
|
|
==============
|
||
|
|
by Brent C.J. Britton
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Vacations from school are nice because they allow people to escape
|
||
|
|
the day-to-day drudgery of having to fabricate excuses for not going to
|
||
|
|
class. I always look forward to school vacations because they give me
|
||
|
|
time to do things which I have been meaning to do all semester, but
|
||
|
|
didn't, because I was spending too much time Not Going to Class. During
|
||
|
|
this past vacation, for example, I confirmed my sneaking suspicion that I
|
||
|
|
do, in fact, own a television set.
|
||
|
|
I found it right where I recall leaving it last summer: just across
|
||
|
|
the living room from the sofa and the remote control. The remote control
|
||
|
|
is a wholly remarkable device which, if used regularly, can cause the
|
||
|
|
average fit, active human being to turn into a lazy, smelly lump of
|
||
|
|
immovable jelly. The advantage of having a remote control is that you
|
||
|
|
can use it to quickly change the station when an advertisement comes on.
|
||
|
|
Before the remote control was invented, the only way people could avoid
|
||
|
|
watching advertisements was to get up and go to the bathroom. This was
|
||
|
|
especially inconvenient before indoor plumbing was developed because then
|
||
|
|
people had to get up and go to the outhouse. Sometimes I try to see how
|
||
|
|
many things in my living room I can point my remote control at and still
|
||
|
|
make the television work. I've found that mirrors do this nicely. My
|
||
|
|
face doesn't. I hope that pointing the remote control at my face and
|
||
|
|
pressing the buttons doesn't give me cancer.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
I am finally convinced that television news people think that the
|
||
|
|
American public has Hellman's Real Mayonnaise for brains. During my stay
|
||
|
|
in front of the television set last week, the one big news item I kept
|
||
|
|
hearing about, over and over again, was the simply fascinating story of
|
||
|
|
Ronald Reagan's enlarged prostate gland. (It seems that, whereas former
|
||
|
|
President Carter would retreat to Camp David when he felt like getting
|
||
|
|
away from the White House, Reagan prefers to go to the hospital to have
|
||
|
|
some part of his body removed.) I'm sure it's newsworthy when Ronald
|
||
|
|
Reagan undergoes some sort of surgery -- I mean, he IS the President of
|
||
|
|
United States and all -- but I, for one, and damn sick of being made to
|
||
|
|
view diagrams of the inside of his body. Some of the news programs I saw
|
||
|
|
even had small teams of urologists standing by to explain what sort of
|
||
|
|
punishment they give to someone who has an enlarged prostate and what
|
||
|
|
sort of pointy objects get inserted into his body. Don't believe what
|
||
|
|
anyone tells you about doctors; they are all sadistic maniacs who like
|
||
|
|
to hurt sick people by poking them with pointy objects.
|
||
|
|
The news people also mentioned that, seeing how the President was
|
||
|
|
in the neighborhood, he was going to visit the Presidential Proctologist
|
||
|
|
to have his colon checked for something called polyps. (I don't know
|
||
|
|
just what a polyp is, but it seems that the President doesn't want any on
|
||
|
|
his colon.) The news people were pleased as punch about this because
|
||
|
|
they got to display more disgusting diagrams of the interior of the
|
||
|
|
Presidential Posterior. And the team of medical people were right there
|
||
|
|
to tell us in great detail what the Presidential Proctologist would be
|
||
|
|
doing inside the Oval Orifice. To him, I suppose a colon by any other
|
||
|
|
name smells the same, but talk about having your finger on the pulse of
|
||
|
|
the nation!!
|
||
|
|
It seems that while Reagan was being admitted to the hospital to have
|
||
|
|
all these horrible things done to his person, he allegedly made several
|
||
|
|
urological jokes. No one on the news actually said what a "urological
|
||
|
|
joke" is mind you, but I can just hear the President saying "Well, Doc,
|
||
|
|
when I bend over, how about humming a few bars of 'Hail to the Cheeks'?"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Oh Well, it's about time to start Not Going to Class again. I leave
|
||
|
|
you with this ancient salutation, in the !Tung dialect:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Wikky wikky ratyak, sapdew fizwot, HOY salrot, klakkacheez."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Translation: "May you never get polyps on your colon from pointing the
|
||
|
|
remote control at your face and pressing the buttons."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
bcjb
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The King of Beers
|
||
|
|
=================
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The Budweiser marketing executives held their annual planning session
|
||
|
|
with their advertising agency. The ad agency gave them a new and
|
||
|
|
FABULOUS plan.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Irving Schlock, the ad agency account executive, suggested that
|
||
|
|
Budweiser offer the Pope $1 Million per year if he will send out an
|
||
|
|
edict changing the Lord's Prayer line from "Give us this day our daily
|
||
|
|
bread" to "Give us this day our daily Bud."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
The Bud executives thought this was fantastic and shipped off a staff
|
||
|
|
representative to Rome to make the offer. The representative only got
|
||
|
|
to see a bishop, who ordered him thrown out amid cries of "Sacrilege!!"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
He returned to the President of Budweiser, who told him to up the offer
|
||
|
|
to $1 million per month.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
This time the Budweiser man got in to see a Cardinal, told him about
|
||
|
|
the proposed change from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us
|
||
|
|
this day our daily Bud." The Cardinal, enraged, also had him thrown out,
|
||
|
|
saying, "The Lord's Prayer is NOT for sale, commercialistic swine!"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Back to the Budweiser President he went.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
This time the president said that he had certain connections and would
|
||
|
|
make some calls in advance, guaranteeing the rep would see the Pope
|
||
|
|
himself, not just some flunkies. Also, said the president, "Offer the
|
||
|
|
Pope $1 million a week. "This is so big we can't miss it. It'll blow
|
||
|
|
Miller out of the water!"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Back in the Vatican, the Budweiser Rep enters a room filled with the
|
||
|
|
church hierarchy, begins to give his presentation -- cries of "out"
|
||
|
|
begin, when the Pope comes in. He asks that the Rep be heard in a
|
||
|
|
respectful manner, but first wants to leave for a moment. The Pope goes
|
||
|
|
down the hallway to his business manager's office. Entering, he says
|
||
|
|
"Guido, get out the Lord's Prayer file."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Sure, your Holiness, what do you need to know?"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"How long before our deal expires with Pepperidge Farm?"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
(Taken from an actual Compaq ad in a British magazine.)
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Compaq Wishes To Apologize For This Advertisement.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
In particular, we wish to apologize for the headline. We suggest you
|
||
|
|
skip it and go straight to the rest of the ad, after which you should
|
||
|
|
simply FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. If you haven't got time to read
|
||
|
|
the ad, SIMPLY FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. On your way to POST THE
|
||
|
|
COUPON you may pass a COMPAQ dealer in which case simply GO IN AND BUY
|
||
|
|
A COMPAQ. This will save you the price of a stamp.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
HOW TO PROVE THAT COMPAQ RUNS 30% FASTER THAN IBM. Buy two greyhounds,
|
||
|
|
name one COMPAQ and the other IBM. Feed COMPAQ on lean steak and IBM on
|
||
|
|
old socks stuffed with rabbit droppings. After a month, enter both in
|
||
|
|
the 3.30 at Hackney and you will notice that Compaq runs at least 30%
|
||
|
|
faster than IBM. Of course, this test is totally unfair and one-sided,
|
||
|
|
but gives the same result as racing the computers in your office.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST NASTY ACCIDENTS. (Picture of statue w/o arms
|
||
|
|
or legs is shown at left.) This is what happens to computer operators
|
||
|
|
who lose all the data on an important disk. Protect yourself with a
|
||
|
|
built-in tape back-up safety system. Too bad if you own an IBM or some
|
||
|
|
other make, only COMPAQ computers have them.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
SIN IN STYLE -- SOFTWEAR WORLD.
|
||
|
|
Sorry. Wrong. Terribly sorry. Sorry to disappoint those of you who
|
||
|
|
were hoping for something titillating, but this whole section is in fact
|
||
|
|
the result of a silly spelling mistake. Instead of softwear, please read
|
||
|
|
software. Then reach for any IBM catalogue, in which you will find
|
||
|
|
listed thousands of programs you can run on COMPAQ computers. So sorry.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
WHAT PERCENTAGE OF IBM SOFTWARE WILL RUN ON A COMPAQ? By sheer
|
||
|
|
coincidence, this is the same percentage of waiters in Indian restaurants
|
||
|
|
who hail from the small Bangladeshi town of Sylhet. Nearly 100%. For
|
||
|
|
further details and first-class lamb dhansak, ring 01-836 9787.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
BYTES OF RAM. The compaq deskpro 286 offers 8.2 megabytes of RAM. IBM's
|
||
|
|
PC AT can only manage a 3 megabyte nibble. Cheez, even our carry-away
|
||
|
|
Portable does 2.6 megabytes.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
THE COMPAQ DUAL_MODE MONITOR. At last, a monitor lizard that can display
|
||
|
|
both high resolution text and high resolution graphics on one screen.
|
||
|
|
IBM's (and all their spawn) need separate iguanas for text and graphics.
|
||
|
|
More details from our sales reptiles. Contact them on 01-940 8860.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
SIMPLE ANT MATHS: LESSON 1. Let one ant equal one byte of information.
|
||
|
|
COMPAQ's built-in mass storage can hold 70,000,000 of the little
|
||
|
|
blighters, (30,000,000 more than IBM can). Now calculate how many ants
|
||
|
|
are needed to fill the great pyramid of Giza.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
FILL IN THIS COUPON NOW.
|
||
|
|
______________________________________________________________________
|
||
|
|
| |
|
||
|
|
| TO: COMPAQ Computer Ltd., Freepost, Richmond, Surrey, TW91BR. |
|
||
|
|
| I understand that COMPAQ computers run IBM software 30% faster, are |
|
||
|
|
| more powerful with more storage, a unique tape backup system and dual|
|
||
|
|
| mode monitor, but frankly I can't believe COMPAQ's are this good, |
|
||
|
|
| otherwise why isn't everyone using them except come to think of it |
|
||
|
|
| COMPAQ is already No. 2 in the States but then the Yanks are a funny |
|
||
|
|
| bunch I mean they eat raw steak for breakfast and they've all got |
|
||
|
|
| absurd names like Chuck and Waldo of course everyone's always |
|
||
|
|
| knocking America but where would we be without the Harvey Wallbanger |
|
||
|
|
| so rush me more details of your marvelous computers. |
|
||
|
|
| |
|
||
|
|
| Name _______________________________________________________________ |
|
||
|
|
| Company_____________________________________________________________ |
|
||
|
|
| Inside Leg_________________ Favourite Singer_______________________ |
|
||
|
|
| Address_____________________________________________________________ |
|
||
|
|
| |
|
||
|
|
| AMAZING FREE OFFER. We'll give you a COMPAQ DESKPRO 286 ABSOLUTELY |
|
||
|
|
| FREE when you give us 3,694.99 pounds. |
|
||
|
|
| |
|
||
|
|
| ( ) tick here for FREE death watch beetle. |
|
||
|
|
|______________________________________________________________________|
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
How to Know When You're Growing Older
|
||
|
|
=====================================
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
- Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
|
||
|
|
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
|
||
|
|
- You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.
|
||
|
|
- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
|
||
|
|
- You get winded playing chess.
|
||
|
|
- Your children begin to look middle-aged.
|
||
|
|
- You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
|
||
|
|
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
|
||
|
|
- A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
|
||
|
|
- You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
|
||
|
|
- You look forward to a dull evening.
|
||
|
|
- You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your
|
||
|
|
bifocals.
|
||
|
|
- Your favourite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today".
|
||
|
|
- You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than for romantic.
|
||
|
|
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
|
||
|
|
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
|
||
|
|
- You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
|
||
|
|
- After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before
|
||
|
|
applying a second coat.
|
||
|
|
- Dialing long distance wears you out.
|
||
|
|
- You're no longer startled to be addressed as "ol' timer".
|
||
|
|
- The best part of the day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
|
||
|
|
- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
|
||
|
|
- The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
|
||
|
|
- You burn the midnight oil after 9 P.M.
|
||
|
|
- Your back goes out more than you do.
|
||
|
|
- You get too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine
|
||
|
|
cabinet.
|
||
|
|
- You get your exercise acting as a pall bearer for your friends who
|
||
|
|
exercise.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Frans J. Ward
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Nature's Kitchen Presents:
|
||
|
|
=========================
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
From the people who brought you blood, sweat and earwax, AND the
|
||
|
|
people who have produced such delectable delights as "Cream of Spinach"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
we proudly present...
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Campbell's Primordial Soup!
|
||
|
|
--------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
That's right, Campbell's Soup inc. has merged with Mother Nature ltd.
|
||
|
|
to bring you this primal mixture of complex organic compounds (including
|
||
|
|
stringey strands of RNA), which is sure to please even the most highly
|
||
|
|
evolved palettes. This tasty dish can be eaten alone, or can easily act
|
||
|
|
as the basic building block for more complex culinary creations, such as
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Protazoan Pottage,
|
||
|
|
Fishy Bisque,
|
||
|
|
Baked Amoeba,
|
||
|
|
and
|
||
|
|
Self-replicating Succotash.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Campbell's Primordial Soup, (the first in our nutritious new line
|
||
|
|
of Mankindhandlers) is ALL NATURAL with no additives or preservatives,
|
||
|
|
and each can contains a full day's supply of vitamins and amino acids.
|
||
|
|
An evolutionary soup for an evolving species.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Also try Campbell's CHUNKY Primordial Soup! So chunky, you'll be
|
||
|
|
tempted to use your hands, but use a fork, before it gets up and walks
|
||
|
|
away.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Ken Vincent & bcjb
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
Yellow sign spotted in the rear window of a hearse:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
.
|
||
|
|
/ \
|
||
|
|
/ Dead \
|
||
|
|
. guy on .
|
||
|
|
\ board /
|
||
|
|
\ /
|
||
|
|
.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Shaggy Dog Story
|
||
|
|
================
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
One Thursday evening Mr. Smith was sitting in his favourite armchair,
|
||
|
|
drinking a beer, and watching football, when he had this sudden urge
|
||
|
|
to pass wind. This he duly did...
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
'...phurpppHONDA!'
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
'Weird' thought Mr. Smith, but thought nothing of it, until 5 minutes
|
||
|
|
later, when...
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
'...phurpppHONDA!'
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
At this he got worried. He rushed to the local hospital, and managed
|
||
|
|
to get an appointment with an intestinal specialist.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"What seems to be the problem Mr. Smith?" asked the doctor.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Well, whenever I pass wind, it seems to make a noise like a motorbike"
|
||
|
|
replied Mr Smith.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Could you possibly show me?' asked the doctor. Mr Smith duly obliged
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
'...phurpppHONDA!'
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Bend over please Mr Smith, I'd like to examine you... (muffled) ah
|
||
|
|
yes, I see your problem," said the doctor "you have an abcess on your
|
||
|
|
backside. That would explain the strange noise."
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Mr. Smith was lost for words. "How," he asked "could an abcess on my
|
||
|
|
ass make a noise like that!?"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
"Simple," replied the doctor...
|
||
|
|
"abcess makes the fart go HONDA!"
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Submitted by Matt Brunton (MATT @ UKACRL)
|
||
|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
|
|
Issue015, (Volume IV, Number 1). January, 1987
|