396 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
396 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
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***** *****
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Tenth ***** *** Collector's
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Issue *** ** *** *** Edition!
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Anniversary *** ** *** *** *** *******
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Issue!!! *** ** *** *** *** *******
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*** ***** *** *** *** ***
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***** ***** ****** ** ******
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****** ****** ****
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*** *** ***
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*** *** *** *** *** ****
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*** ***** *** ****** *** **** *** *** *** **
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*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***** ***
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****** ****** *** *** *** *** *** ** ***
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**** **** ****** *** **** *** ****
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Electronic Humor Magazine. Issue010, (Volume II, Number 6) March, 1986.
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NutWorks is published semi-pseudo-monthly by
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Brent C.J. Britton and Leonard M. Friedman
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<BRENT@MAINE> <xxxxxxxx@xxxxxx>
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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There is no such thing as reality...
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...it's all virtual.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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NutWorks News
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=============
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1) Brand-spanking new NutWorks Info files are now available on
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CSNEWS at MAINE and xxxxx at xxxxxx, but if you're reading this, (and
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we know you are) then you probably don't need/care to see anything in
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the INFO file.
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2) NutWorks is now available on TCSSERVE at TCSVM using the SENDME
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command. Yup, we're spreading like the plague.
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3) (Outdated text deleted.)
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4) (Outdated text deleted.)
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Eds.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Nuts & Bolts
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==============
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That's right folks, it's time again for...
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THE ALL-TIME LIST OF SUPERLATIVES!!!
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This month's topic...Sillyness
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--------------------------------------------
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Sillyest song title.........."Da Doo Ron Ron Ron, Da Doo Ron Ron"
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Sillyest animal noise........Gobble (But "Moo" runs a close second.)
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Sillyest pizza topping.......Anchovies
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Sillyest women's
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undergarment................The Girdle
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Sillyest euphamism for
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fecal matter................"poo-poo"
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Sillyest Politician..........Claude Pepper
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Sillyest Ronco product.......The "In-the-Shell Egg Scrambler"
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Sillyest sexual toy..........Jello (all flavors)
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Sillyest Philospher..........Heideggar
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Sillyest food................Yogurt
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Sillyest non-food............Tofu
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Sillyest name for a
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cartoon character...........Elmer Fudd
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Sillyest nationality.........Canadian French. No, make that ALL French.
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Sillyest college major.......Physical Education (Runner up: Philosophy)
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Sillyest puctuation mark.....The Squigely Bracket
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Sillyest Airline.............People's Express
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Sillyest country name........Djibuti, Africa (pron'ced DEE-JEE-BOO'-TEE)
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Sillyest name for
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a Rock band.................Jethro Tull
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Sillyest pair of assholes....Grant/Rudman
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Sillyest phrase.............."Now then..." (Think about it.)
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Sillyest musical instrument..The Tuba
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Sillyest American actor......Ronald Reagan
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Sillyest American president..Ronald Reagan
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Sillyest name for a
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computer company............WANG
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Sillyest American city.......Tuscaloosa
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Sillyest bodily function.....The Fart
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Sillyest name for a
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brand of Coffee..............Choc Full O' Nuts
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Sillyest Sport...............Crocodile Wrestling
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Sillyest name for a
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university..................Hofstra
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Sillyest T.V. game show......Press Your Luck ("Big bucks, no whammies!")
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Sillyest game show host......Wink Martindale
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Sillyest word in the
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English language............Booger
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Sillyest holiday.............Groundhog Day
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Sillyest name for a
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programming language........LISP
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Sillyest reason to form a
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computer network............Because It's There
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bcjb.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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And it came to pass that the ART majors were required by their
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college to partake of the computer class, so that they would acquire
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an education of well-roundedness.
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And the Dean saw that it was good.
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Struggled they, to fathom the computer. Much documentation did
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they read.
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Came they to the final exam. "Define the following:" was the only
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instruction.
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Did they their best. Here be their answers:
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CPU: "This is the central processing unit usually
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--- pictured above the memory on the diagram located
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almost 30 times in my notes."
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BIT: "Binary Digit. Represents either or something but
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--- nothing in between."
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"Most machines have 8 bits."
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B Disk: "The B disk is were (sic) all of our assignments
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------ are."
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"This disk on someone else's virtual machine of
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which we can only read the material from."
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SCRIPT: "A device which by adding control words, you can
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------ make an assignment neater."
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"SCRIPT is a format. You string everything
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together to make nice neat margins so you leave
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.fo on."
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OP SYS: "An operating system is a giant program which is
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------ always running in the computer and it runs the
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computer."
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VM: "The virtual machine is physically 'real', but in
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-- terms of the large really 'real' computer my
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'machine' is only the virtual terminal upon which
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I work."
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HEX: "Hexadecimal notation is a spurious character
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--- appearing often in the form of a period in a line
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of input in your file."
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BASIC: "To calculate the total employee you must add one
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----- to each employee."
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COMMANDS: "We have to type asterusis in our console file."
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-------- "COPY (a variable in a PLC program) is a location
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where the translated alphabits are stored."
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"The command Print fn ft sends the file to my
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virtuous reader."
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"The command L * SCRIPT (Date means the names of
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file on A disk go to screen, using SCRIPT to
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format on a certain day."
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RESUME: "I have extreme competence in dealing with the
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------ public."
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GENERAL: "The computer can help elliviate spelling errors."
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-------
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And great was the professor in his mirth.
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bcjb. (and a jovial professor)
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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This is the little subscription leaflet that you never see in normal
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magazines because it always falls out onto the floor, and lands in the
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dog dish. Notice how ours stays *in* the magazine! Just another fine
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example of the superior quality of NutWorks magazine!
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Of the following, which box would you be more likely to check:
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+--+ YES! I would LOVE to receive issues of NutWorks magazine at NO
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| | charge! This IS an amazing deal that I'd have to be positively
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+--+ CRAZY to turn down! I will be anxiously awaiting the arrival of
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each new issue, so please RUSH NutWorks to me as soon as possible!
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+--+ NO! I am a complete moron, and a poop-head. I'm not interested
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| | in your stupid magazine, and if I see it, I'll purge it. Don't
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+--+ ever send me anything. I hate you. Bleah! Pthooey.
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If you checked the "YES" box, why don't you send a mail file to the
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editorial staff and let us know? If you checked the "NO" box, you are
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a mindless jerk and deserve to be nailed to a tree by your eyelids.
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bcjb & Scott J.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Question of the month:
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=====================
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"So, if this Khadaffy guy is such a hot shot,
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why is he only a Colonel?"
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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GENESIS
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=======
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In the beginning, IBM created the hardware and the
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software. And the software was without form, and zeroes were
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upon the face of the disks. And the sysgen moved upon the
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face of the drum. And IBM said, "Let there be system," and
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it was "genned". And IBM saw the system, and it was buggy.
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And IBM divided the light from the dark, and called the
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light OS, and the dark HASP. And the cold start and the warm
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start were the first crash.
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And IBM said, "Let there be a supervisor in the midst of
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core, and let it divide the regions from the regions." And
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IBM called the supervisor MVT. And the cold start, and the
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warm start were the second crash.
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And IBM said, "Let the programs in the machine be
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gathered into one area," and it was so. And it called the
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area LINKLIB, and the rest EXTRALIB, and IBM saw that it was
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good. And IBM said, "Let the supervisor bring forth (CLG)
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initiators, and the initiators running programs, and the
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programs yielding output, each to it's own dataset," and IBM
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saw that it was good. And the cold start, and the warm start
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were the third crash.
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And IBM said, "Let there be lights on the console to
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divide the wait's from loops, and let them be for the
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operators and for the programmers. And IBM made five great
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lights: the system light to rule the CPU, the wait light to
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command the operators -- He made the PSW also. And the cold
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start, and the warm start were the fourth crash.
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And IBM said, "Let the disk bring forth abundantly the
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utilities that hath bugs, and appendages may fly above the
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system in supervisor state." And IBM created the great
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compilers, and every subroutine that runneth and IBM saw
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that it was good. And the cold start and the warm start were
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the fifth crash.
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And IBM said, "Let the core bring forth the linkage
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editor after it's kind, for object modules and load
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modules," and it was so. And IBM said, "Let us make users in
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our own image and let them have dominion over the readers
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and over the printers and over the disks and over all of the
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system, and over every bug in HASP that lurketh beneath the
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nucleus." And IBM created the user in His own image, and IBM
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blessed them, and said, "Be fruitful and multiply and add
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and subtract and divide, and fill the queues." And IBM said,
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"Behold, I have given you every procedure bearing JCL which
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is on the face of the PROCLIB. And IBM saw that it was good.
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And the cold start and the warm start were the sixth crash.
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Thus the hardware and the software were finished, and all
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the troubles with them. And on the seventh day IBM unbundled
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the work that it had made, and rested from producing. And
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IBM sanctified the unbundling and blessed it -- because on
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it, IBM rested and created a larger profit.
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anon.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Shaggy Dogs
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===========
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(The "answers" to these shaggy dog stories are at the bottom of this
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article.)
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-----------
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I.
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Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle, was innocently leaping from tree to
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tree one fine day, when a band of crazed cannibals ambushed and killed
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him. They devoured him almost immediately, except for the lining of
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his stomach which they stretched over a hollow log to make a bongo drum,
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and gave it to the son of the chief cannibal. The boy was delighted
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with his new drum and played it constantly for weeks. Until one day,
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he came crying to his father the chief. "Daddy," he whimpered, "my
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bongo drum rotted away."
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"Son," replied the chief, "you can't play 'Tarzan's Tripe Forever.'"
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-----------
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II.
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And then there was the story of the guy who played the harp for the
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local orchestra. After a particularly boring day at orchestra practice,
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he and some friends decided to stop in at Sam's Disco for a quick dance
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and perhaps a drink or two. Not wanting to leave his valuable harp in
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the car where it could easily get stolen, he brought it into Sam's with
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him.
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Well, the "quick drink" soon turned into several rounds, and our
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harp player soon began to stagger and yell and cause such a commotion
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that Sam had to throw him out of the disco and send him home.
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He awoke the next morning, his head pounding, and slowly began to
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dress for orchestra practice. As he was about to leave, he discovered
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that his harp, his pride and joy, was missing. "Oh no!" he gasped.
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And with a deep sigh, he began to sing, "I left my harrrrrrp...
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in Sam's damn discooooooo..."
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-----------
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III.
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Long time ago, there lived great Indian warrior named Shortcake.
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Shortcake in love with Squaw who lived on other side of great river.
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Many moons, him sit on bank of great river, watching Squaw who sit on
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other side. Many times, him decide to swim across great river, but him
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coward. Him build boat and paddle. But boat sink, and him die.
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Squaw jump in water and drag out body of Shortcake. And then,
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'Squaw bury Shortcake.'
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-----------
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IV.
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Roy Rodgers was so delighted with his new pair of cowboy boots
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that he walked into town to show them off. But on the way into
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town, a cougar jumped out from behind a bush and attacked him. Roy
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tried his best to escape from the cougar, but his new boots weren't
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broken in yet and their stiffness made it hard for him to run. Regret-
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fully, he pulled them off and ran away without them. The cougar was
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overjoyed at this, and it tore the discarded boots to shreds.
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Roy, now very angry at the loss of his prize boots, went home, took
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out his shotgun, and went looking for that cougar.
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When he returned, the dead cougar slung over his shoulder, his wife
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met him at the door. When she saw the cougar, she said, "Pardon me
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Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes?"
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-----------
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V.
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When the first team of explorers landed on Planet X, they found that
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the inhabitants were nothing more than little balls of fur with arms and
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legs. The explorers called the creatures "Furries" and soon found that
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the Furries were very adept at manufacturing things. Whenever the
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explorers needed anything, they just had to go look, and most assuredly
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there was a Furry somewhere who produced it. But the Furries all looked
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alike, so, to make it easy for the explorers, each of the Furries wore
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his particular product on the top of his head. The Furry who sold
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radios had a radio on top; the one who made dishes had a dish on top;
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and so forth.
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One day, one of the explorers, a diabetic, ran frantically into
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the explorers' headquarters. "My needle broke!" he cried, "How will
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I ever be able to take my insulin!?"
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The others, unconcerned, sang to him:
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"If you need those drugs in a hurry,
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It's okay, no sweat, don't worry,
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Just go see that cute little 'Furry with the Syringe on top...'
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-----------
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Answers: I.........'Stars and Stripes Forever'
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II........'I Left My Heart in San Francisco'
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III.......'Strawberry Shortcake'
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IV........'Pardon me boy, is that the
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Chattanooga Choo-Choo?'
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V.........'The Surrey With the Fringe On Top'
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bcjb. (Among others)
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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And now, a news flash from the world
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of Heavy Metal Rock.
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====================================
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Dateline Hollywood: In a brief news conference today at Ripgore
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Recording Studios, it was announced that yet another benefit concert
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|
will be held in April to aid the starving masses in Etheopia. This
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|
time, the contributing groups will all be Heavy Metal bands. But what
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|
will make this concert different is, instead of performing one after
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|
the other, the participating bands will all play on the same stage
|
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|
|
simultaneously. Furthermore, all the bands will each be performing
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|
|
different songs, again, simultaneously. The reason for this unprece-
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|
|
dented schedule was not given, but one of the participating artists
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|
said that it would be a "stimulating experience."
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|
The concert, dubbed "Twisted-Helical-Iron-Scorpion-Rat's-AC/DC-
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|
|
Maiden-Sister's-Leopard-Kiss--Aid", was tentatively scheduled to be
|
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|
|
held in Omaha, Nebraska, but due to the local zoning laws forbidding
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|
|
any noise exceeding 250,000 decibels, the location was changed to The
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||
|
|
Sea of Copernicus, the Moon. The concert will NOT be broadcast via
|
||
|
|
satellite, as it will easily be heard at every point in the known
|
||
|
|
universe.
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|
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|
Other "Aid" events to watch for...
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|
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|
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|
Roller-Derby Queens benefit Derby...........RollAid
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||
|
|
Secret Service benefit supper...............Presidential Aid
|
||
|
|
American Medical Association luncheon.......First Aid
|
||
|
|
The Wall Street Charity bonds...............Financial Aid
|
||
|
|
American Cinemas benefit movies.............Visual Aid
|
||
|
|
Fisherman's Union benefit Fish Fry..........MermAid
|
||
|
|
|
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|
|
bcjb.
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|
|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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|
Appendix
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|
========
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We're sorry, but this issue of NutWorks has had its appendix removed.
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|
|
Damn! How can we ever wear our new French bikini with this ugly scar!?
|
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|
|
|
||
|
|
----X----X----X----X----X---- <---- ugly scar
|
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|
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|
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|
|
bcjb.
|
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|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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