457 lines
19 KiB
Plaintext
457 lines
19 KiB
Plaintext
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_________________________________________________________________________________
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"How Could Hell Be Any Worse?"
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The zine created by and October 17/18, 1992
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virtually maintained by ALL? NO, ALL!! #1 First issue! Oh
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The Kokomo MOD Crew. joy! Another zine!
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_________________________________________________________________________________
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POINT OF THIS E-ZINE
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To cause awareness of the mighty ALL to the general public. If you know nothing
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of ALL or the Basemaster General, you are correct in reading this.
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STAFF:
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Wooden. Metal? Half a tree? Wizard's? What? I give.
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Seriously:
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Matt - head honcho of the whole thing, most ALLular (listened to Descendents
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for 2 years, ALL for 3 months). Can be reached at 2@13750 WWIVLink
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or 2@3173 VirtualNet.
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Net - Trent Reznor of Indiana: one of his MODs won the America Online MOD
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contest, summer of '92. Co-member of Count Zero, along with Matt.
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Thinks Matt is a complete freak.
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Neuro - organizer of the Kokomo MOD Crew, which is himself and Count Zero.
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Only recently set on the path to ALL (this summer), Neuro has learned
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much, but not ALL about ALL. His BBS, the Matrix, (317) 455-0165, is
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an invaluble asset to the Kokomo area, and to some who call from far
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away. 1@13750 WWIVLink, 1@3173 VirtualNet.
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INFLUENCES:
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Descendents/ALL (duh)
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NIN
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Ministry
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*** BIG BLACK *** <-- my personal favorite industrial band
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The Replacements (Twin/Tone era)
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Fugazi
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Too Much Joy
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The Spooners
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Black Flag ("Damaged" era, Matt influence only)
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Being really pissed off at women
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Being rejected by women
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Wanting to take hold of a blowtorch and kill everyone (CZ's "The Blowtorch
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Song")
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Matt's attempts to prove the non-existence of love
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Denial of love, renouncement imminent
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Alberich and the Ring of the Nibelung
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Odin and Thor
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Milo and Otis
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Milo Bloom
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Milo Aukerman
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Asking people why Aukerman left the Descendents
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Asking people if Tony Lombardo is still alive
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Hating metal (Matt and Net)
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Hating Halloween and the stupid traditions
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Trying to score a hit from Steve Albini
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Opus
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Bill The Cat (for his intellectual qualities)
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Steve Albini himself for hating everything
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Bad Religion for our credo
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A lot of other things
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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TABLE OF CONTENTS FOR ALL? NO, ALL! ISSUE #1:
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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1.1 ................... Greetingage
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1.2 ................... Slam List
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1.3 ................... Reviews
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1.4 ................... Mistakes We Have Made
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1.5 ................... How To Just Say No, Thank You, You Scum
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1.6 ................... Why?
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1.7 ................... Can You Ski?
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1.8 ................... ALLularity
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1.9 ................... Milo Aukerman's Corner
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1.10 ................... Goodbyeage
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1.1 Greetingage
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Hi. This is Matt. This is so much fun. Well, it will be when we start typing
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things that actually make sense. This zine started from the ashes of another
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trap I set for myself, so let's ALL enjoy it at my expense.
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So. There's this girl I wanted to date. I swear.. I'm going to bloody give up
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soon. On dating at ALL. I no longer care enough to put myself through it.
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Bloody pointless waste of time, scrabbling over trying to impress a girl JUST
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long enough for her to divert her attention to some subhuman prep school grad,
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who invariably wears what he thinks is a cool sweater. Goddamn bunch of clones,
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the lot of them. If it's always going to be this way (why not? has been
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continually so far), then to hell with it.
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Anyway. She and I talk for about a week, then I take the dive of calling her.
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Big thing with me, calling girls. I fear the phone sometimes. So, I gather my
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courage to call. I call, we talk for ten minutes, I'm doing fine. Then she
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says something about some dude, and I ask about him. Guess just what the hell
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she said. Guess. I'll bloody tell you what she said:
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"Oh, he's my boyfriend."
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I was proud of myself to no end. I kept my cool, and, without missing a beat,
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replied, "Oh. Cool!" and kept talking. I don't even think she realized that I
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liked her, which is both relieving and depressing.
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After blasting S.O.D.'s live album for an hour, I felt slightly better. Then
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after I ripped hell out of my room for awhile, I felt better than before. I'm
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still pissed at myself for wasting both my time and hers, but oh well. I'm such
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a fool. I bought ALL's new album, _Percolator_, today. I don't feel like
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hearing it right NOW, however.. hopefully before the night's over. Right before
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I began typing this all up, I was working on a new MOD. Loud, brutal, and
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unforgiving.. I guess it's what I'm subconsciously trying to be. I've devised a
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new motto for my half of the CZ/Kokomo MOD Crew MODs (I may .GIF this): "Brutal
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Music From A Brutal Person." Better than "Cows Go Moo." Even "Cats Have Fur
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And I Don't" is better than "Cows Go Moo."
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Enjoy the damn issue, I didn't.
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1.2 Slam List
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Today, as you go through your daily life, keep in mind that these things and
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people are worthy of scorn:
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Life
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Pretty girls that don't like you
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Ugly girls that do
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The Pixies
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Top 40 Radio
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AOR Radio
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Any damn kind of radio
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Paul Westerberg
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Joe McCarthy's ghost
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fIREHOSE
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Women that fake orgasms in crowded restaurants
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Mornings you wake up in a pool of snot/puke/blood
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Mornings you wake up at all
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The Pixies
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Joy Division
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Rap
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Fraternities/Sororities/Other Savage Xenophobic Cliques
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People that take S.O.D. seriously
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People that take ANYTHING seriously
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The KKK
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Fascists
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Buster Poindexter
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The Pixies
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Mindless people that must be told what to do and when to do it
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Eccentric college professors
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ANY college professors, except those cool ones that you actually learn from
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Body Count (not because of the controversy, but because they're not that
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great a band)
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People that worship Ian MacKaye
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People that worship ANYTHING
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BBSers that don't have a clue as to what the hell they're doing
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Arrogant people
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Non-arrogant people
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Any person that pisses you off
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Any person that pisses ME off
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People that breathe really loud
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Churches
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Puking
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Being in love
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School
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The government
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Rednecks
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Lame music stores
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Indiana
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(Did I mention the Pixies?)
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1.3 Reviews
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SOUNDS:
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(Note: None of these are necessarily new. Live with it.)
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Chris Mars, _Horseshoes and Hand Grenades_
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------------------------------------------
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I don't give a damn what anyone says about this album; it is a work of ART.
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No wonder Westerberg threw Mars out of the 'Mats (which was just before the
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band broke up.. duh).. he was afraid of being eclipsed by Mars.
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Mars can equal Westerberg's writing prowess, no problem. He also has
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musical diversity in his effluvia than Paul has had in his entire body in
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the last few years. From rockers like "Popular Creeps" and "Ego Maniac"
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(both of which possibly tributes to Westerberg) to slower tunes like
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"Don't You See It", Mars evokes a wide range of emotions in the listener.
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From contempt for the arrogant stars of "Popular Creeps" to pity for "Don't
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You See It"'s misguided subject, the feelings are powerful, indeed.
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There are some problems: Mars isn't necessarily a better singer than
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Westerberg; he rather sounds like Eddie Money at times. Some of the songs
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sound VERY similar.. one would think they're almost the same one. But,
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these can be overlooked, as it's just an excursion into Chris' mind.
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(released on Smash Records)
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Sugar, _Copper Blue_
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--------------------
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AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
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Don't waste your money. Bob Mould was better with H<>sker than with this
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lame-ass band. And Bob STILL can't sing worth a damn. It was cool in
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1984, not so cool now, however.
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(released on Rykodisc)
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ALL, _Trailblazer_ (live album)
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-------------------------------
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Steadfastly holding to the ALLular traditions of coffee, food, and girls,
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ALL blast their way into New York's CBGB's on this '88 live recording
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(didn't I say that none of these would be new?). Some songs are the only
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recorded accounts of new vocalist Scott Reynolds singing them, such as
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bassist Karl Alvarez's "Skin Deep" and "Hate To Love", and drummer Bill
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Stevenson's "Just Perfect". "Skin Deep" and "Hate To Love" are too
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heart-felt not to be derived from some true experience; "Skin Deep" is
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about being attracted by a woman's outer charms, and finding that she lacks
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anything inside, while "Hate To Love" is simply about being rejected and
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agonizing over it. Reynolds' "Box", which would, at first glance, appear
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to be a song about a homeless person, has some reALLy cool talk breaks in
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the middle, where Stephen Egerton's guitar gets partiALLy dischordant, and
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somewhat metALLic. Another couple of standouts are live versions of
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Stevenson's "She's My Ex" and Tony Lombardo's "Man-O-Steel". Things are
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closed out appropriately with the Descendents' "Theme" rewritten by its
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original author, Lombardo (who is NOT a member of ALL), called "Gnutheme".
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Egerton's guitar cooks on this one. A FINE album.
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(released on Cruz Records)
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ALL, _Percolater_
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-----------------
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Not the jazz-punk fusion I had feared. As a matter of fact, a DAMN good
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album. Not in your face kind of music, rather kind of fun. "Hotplate" is
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a dedication to an eatery of some sort and its owner, who Stevenson is
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apparently obsessed with. "Gnugear (Hot)" is a kind of stupid joke-like
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song about a guy that goes to buy new guitars and can't even tune one.
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"Minute" was musically my favorite.. key of E, some cool changes in that
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one. Also lyrically (kind of) fit my situation. I still miss Milo, but
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while Milo was more of a screamer, Scott Reynolds is actually a singer.
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But don't get me wrong, Milo eventually got better.
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(released on Cruz Records)
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BOOKS:
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Get real. We're based in *^&$%^$ing KOKOMO. Think about it. We have one
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real bookstore. And even that's in the state's scrubbiest mall.
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Sorry. Kokomo's half-life makes me reALLy aggro.
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SIGHTS:
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I haven't seen anything lately. Nothing really pertinent to the genre
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released here. Gee, what a surprise.
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Oops. Attack of the "I Hate Kokomo" syndrome again.
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1.4 Mistakes We Have Made
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Matt - "The major mistake I made was wasting my time on that one chick and
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probably pissing her boyfriend off. Oh well, I'm taller than most
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everyone she knows, and I've probably seen her with him, so, BFD. I
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wish I was dead, though. But that's not why. I'm just sick of
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life. Maybe next ish will have Neuro or Net in charge. But, then
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again, as has been pointed out, suicide in Kokomo is redundant.
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We're dead already."
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Net - "Not getting a Pro Audio Spectrum instead of a Soundblaster at the
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start of summer."
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Neuro - "Not getting a loan from the bank for a 1 gig HD. Also not shutting
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Matt up about this stupid chick he keeps railing about. Matt: Move
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on!"
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1.5 How To Just Say No, Thank You, Scum
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Grab the white, fat suburban P.O.S. by the starched collar of his Arrow
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shirt, or by the fabric of his cool sweater, and shake the bastard until he
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starts to cry and offer you money. Then, take your hand, fold 4 fingers
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inward toward the palm, and the thumb across that, and BEAT THE HOLY SHIT
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OUT OF THE LILY-WHITE LITTLE TEAM CAPTAIN PROM QUEEN LOVE SLAVE FROM ARMANI
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HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Suit-wearing little bastards had the damn things GRAFTED on at birth. No,
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I'm okay, I just need my medication.
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1.6 Why?
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In this section, we attempt to answer the ALL-encompassing question: "WHY?"
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Let us ponder this one: "Why am I so bitter?"
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a) I was born that way?
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b) Satan put a curse on me?
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c) It's just because I'm a punk?
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d) Because women think they can use and exploit me freely and they're
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totally wrong because they're all a bunch of vain and self-centered
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bitches? (Well, not all of them, because I have a few female friends
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who are nice to me, which makes them okay.)
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e) All of the above?
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Shall we go with "e"? Yes, I think that we shALL.
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1.7 Can You Ski?
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Somehow the jokes that knocked me on my ass an hour ago lose something after
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a drink or two. Maybe it's because alcohol is a depressant. Gee, that's a
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cool choice to drink when you're depressed. Most suicidals are alcoholics, I
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found out. I don't recall where or how I discovered this.
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Life sucks, and then you ski. Can you ski? Take this quick test to find
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out:
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1. Do you have a sense of balance?
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a) Yes.
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b) No.
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c) Huh?
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d) Pittsburgh.
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2. Do you know your name?
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a) Yes.
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b) No.
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c) Pat Sajak.
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d) Pittsburgh.
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3. Can you use the word "dude" 12 times in a sentence?
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a) Yes.
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b) No.
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c) Dude.
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d) Pittsburgh.
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4. Where do you live?
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a) St. Paul.
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b) Aspen.
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c) Mars.
|
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d) Boston.
|
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|
5. Why do we have such a fascination with Pittsburgh?
|
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|
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|
|
a) Because Satan is in disguise, living there in sin with Jessica
|
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|
|
Rabbit and Jim Morrison.
|
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|
|
b) I don't know.
|
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|
|
c) Okay, you're screwed up.
|
|||
|
|
d) Whatever.
|
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|
|
|
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|
|
6. Does Steve Albini wear a sock hat in the winter?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
a) Ah, but does he wear SOCKS?
|
|||
|
|
b) What? You make no sense.
|
|||
|
|
c) What does this have to do with skiing?
|
|||
|
|
d) No, he throws them, on fire, at Al Jourgensen.
|
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|
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|
|||
|
|
7. Can a pissed-off teen be considered an explosive?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
a) No, but they make wonderful projectiles.
|
|||
|
|
b) I'm not answering any more of your damn questions.
|
|||
|
|
c) Get a life.
|
|||
|
|
d) Matt is a god.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
If you answered (b) to any questions, you can ski. If you answered (d) on
|
|||
|
|
#7, you have been blessed my me as a deity. If you answered (b) to #7,
|
|||
|
|
piss off! Don't be so damn hasty next time. It was the last question,
|
|||
|
|
moron.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
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|
|||
|
|
1.8 ALLularity
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
ALLularity, in one of its many forms, is coffee, food, and trying to fall
|
|||
|
|
in love. The latter disagrees with my mood for the moment, but ALL goes
|
|||
|
|
on.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
1.9 Milo Aukerman's Corner
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Dear ALL? NO, ALL!! Readers,
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Hey, this is Milo, reporting from my hideaway of the last four years,
|
|||
|
|
Tupelo, Mississippi. The home of the grade-school Elvis, so I've been led
|
|||
|
|
to believe. I don't believe the stories about him being carted to school
|
|||
|
|
in a white van, while he was forced to listen to John Denver for a
|
|||
|
|
straight 4 hours before they could loose him on his teachers, however.
|
|||
|
|
I've not been called stupid yet in my life in Tupelo.
|
|||
|
|
It really pissed me off today.. went down to the store to try to find
|
|||
|
|
Bill's band's new release, and they told me they didn't carry devil music.
|
|||
|
|
I attempted to explain the concept of ALL (although I concede that I don't
|
|||
|
|
know it that well myself), and simply received a blank stare and a burning
|
|||
|
|
cross in my yard later that night for my generosity.
|
|||
|
|
But "devil music"? How ridiculous. An association made by a feeble
|
|||
|
|
mind. I wasn't (nor was Bill) nor would I EVER (Nor would Bill) be in a
|
|||
|
|
band that drank blood onstage or off. Blood is ALLular, but only if kept
|
|||
|
|
inside its container, i.e., the living body. We also didn't like the
|
|||
|
|
look of pentagrams. Looked too angular; we liked symbols to be softer,
|
|||
|
|
etc.
|
|||
|
|
But, via a 4-month long wait, I eventually obtained a copy of
|
|||
|
|
_Percolater_ from Cruz Records, direct. The postman gave me an odd look
|
|||
|
|
when he delivered the package, then ran away. I hate these people. I
|
|||
|
|
rather liked the album, although I wish they'd do some Descendents songs.
|
|||
|
|
But the past is the past. I wish I had more to do though.. gets boring in
|
|||
|
|
Tupelo.
|
|||
|
|
Well, I will leave you ALL to have an ALLular day. May your dreams
|
|||
|
|
become reality.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Milo
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
P.S. - One advantage to living in Tupelo.. I can get lost in a crowd so no
|
|||
|
|
one recognizes me. Sometimes I forget who the hell I am. Not.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
1.10 Goodbyeage
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Well, we hope you enjoyed the first issue of ALL? NO! ALL!! Even if you didn't,
|
|||
|
|
there'll bloody well be another. Because we're young, we're pissed, and we're
|
|||
|
|
outspoken. Also, a good deal of the time, we're sober, so ALL the better.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Be ALLular to each other.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Matt, Net, and Neuro
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
1.11 Last Minute Additions
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
I don't care what you do with this, as long as it's distributed. Any
|
|||
|
|
complaints with material? Direct them toward Matt. It's no one else's
|
|||
|
|
fault. Like an issue? Sned a note Matt's way, via WWIVLink or VNet.
|
|||
|
|
Sorry, no Internet or USEnet. *sob* I'm so sorry.. we are but a poor BBS
|
|||
|
|
community..
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The size of this issue sucks. It should be MUCH larger. I guess I was
|
|||
|
|
just too pissed off. Oh well. Get used to it.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
We agree with Bad Religion's theory of "How could hell be any worse?" If
|
|||
|
|
you are an agnostic and want to write for us, contact us. If you are an
|
|||
|
|
atheist and want to write for us, contact us. If you are a fanatic and
|
|||
|
|
want to write for us... No. We want no radical viewpoints (except our
|
|||
|
|
own) given out.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Next ish: A Listing of the Greatest Albums of ALL time.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|
|||
|
|
Matt - 2@13750 WWIVLink
|
|||
|
|
"Baby, I want MORE!" ALL? NO, ALL!!!!! 2@3173 VNet
|
|||
|
|
"The ezine from hell" Neuro - 1@13750 WWIVLink
|
|||
|
|
"If I had a blowtorch..." October 17/18, 1992 1@3173 VNet
|
|||
|
|
Net - Sorry, I just
|
|||
|
|
didn't know.
|
|||
|
|
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
|