92 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
92 lines
3.4 KiB
Plaintext
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/-\ /-\ /\ /\ /\ /\ Mighty
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| \/ | \/ | || |/ / Illicit Issue #46
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| |\/| | /\ | || < Liquid "The Facts about Lampreys"
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| | | | | || || |\ \ Kollections -By James Hetfield
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\/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/
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_____________
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Lampreys. LAMPREYS. Damn the lampreys. Thery're everywhere, and
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we must watch our backs whereever we go.
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Commonly Mistaken Beliefs:
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1) Lampreys are only in Water.
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FALSE. Lampreys can be found ANYWHERE. In your bed, in your computer,
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in your BRAIN, if you're not careful...
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2) Lampreys don't attack humans.
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FALSE. Lampreys will latch on to anything they can. They especially
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PREFER Human flesh and blood, in fact, over that scaley garbage they find in
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the water.
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3) Lampreys aren't a threat to human society.
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FALSE. Lampreys are constantly plotting new ideas and schemes on how
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to take over our government and destroy us off the planet so they can live
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happily on the mainland. Beware...
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4) Lampreys make great pets.
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FALSE. Lampreys are the worst possible pet you could have. They'll
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kill any other pets you already have, and might even kill you while you sleep.
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5) Spam is made out of ham products.
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FALSE. Spam is actually Lamprey Larva, being distributed by the
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lampreys consirating against us. Once we eat spam, the larva hatch in our
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stomach and pollute the rest of our body, until we die, then they leave it in
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seach of other lampreys like them. Soon all these lampreys will start a
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coalition against all humanity.
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6) Crystal Pepsi is a carbonated water and sugar drink.
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FALSE. Crystal Pepsi is really Lamprey Urine! Stay away from this
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product as much as possible, for it is a very dangerous pollutant to take into
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your body.
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7) Lampreys Sleep.
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FALSE. Lampreys are constantly awake, waiting us to fall asleep, so
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they can prey upon us.
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8) The Reason Lampreys have not taken over is because of our vast and strong
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Military.
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FALSE. Lampreys could EASILY destroy the military. the only reason
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they have not taken over yet is because of Lamprey Hunters like Nyarlathotep,
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and Pete. These men keep the lampreys at bay with their magical lamprey
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hunting weapons and (more importantly) their wit.
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9) Lampreys don't have sex.
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FALSE. Lampreys are continually having intercourse, that is, when
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they're not trying to take over the planet.
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10) Dolphins are the 2nd most intelligent beings on earth.
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FALSE. The Lampreys are just a tad less intelligent than humans, and
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if we're not careful, our end is near.
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I hope these facts have helped you realize the horror our society is
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plagued with. We must learn as much as possible about these vile beats, and
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keep wary about them, because if we don't, they'll be on our necks faster
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than a 300 pound, beer guzzing football fan would be on Cindy Crawford.
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______________
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This was the first [MiLK] file posted on Internet (as far as I know).
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You can find this file under alt.animals.lampreys. For more information on
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[MiLK], lampreys, and other WaCky junk in JENeral, Call The Obloid Sphere
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708-965-3098.
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In short, MiLK is a text file group dedicated to stupid text files
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about little to no good. [MiLK] does not encourage the exploitation of cows,
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eggplants, or mangos in any way.
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This file is Exactly 3520 bytes long.
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