textfiles/magazines/MILK/milk-043.txt

        <20> <20> <20>      Mighty           Issue #43
   <20> <20>    <20> <20> <20>    illicit          "No title cuz we're confused"
  <20> <20> <20> <20> <20> <20><>     Liquid           -By Randall Flagg
  <20>   <20> <20> <20> <20> <20>    Kollections                    
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     There once was a man.  I say once, because he is no more. But I'll get to
that later.  ANYWAYS, there was once a man.  his name was unimportant. But,
since you readers always like to knows peoples' names so much, we'll call him
Egbert.  Now, Egbert was not nondescript in any way. As a matter of fact,
Egbert stood out in a crowd.  Most people would say that he was the most
gorgeous guy in the world, and was obviously the most popular.  Everyone in
the Senior class loved him, and he was only a Freshman.  But Egbert had a
problem. Egbert was impotent. He discovered that, much to his dismay, when he
and the girl of his dreams, named Miranda Murphy, tried to "go all the way"
with the football hero (which was Egbert, in case you couldn't grasp that). He
was almost in tears when it wouldn't pop up to say hello, but she merely
smiled, and said "Well then, Egbert, You can at least make ME happy." Which he
did. Quite well.  Afterwards, as she whispered in his ear, he looked at her
strangely.  "Don't call me Egbert anymore." he said to her. "I use that name
so SOMETHING about me can be made fun of. My real name is Scott, and I'm not
really impotent, either. I'm asexual." 
     Well, Miranda Murphy beat the living hell outta him. That was the end of
his popularity. Once the girls found out he was asexual, he was dateless for
weeks.  Until the day when he met HER.  She was beautiful. Well, okay, she
wasn't beautiful, but she was good-looking. Fine. She was there. Satisfied?
Good. Let me get on with this, would you please? Anyways, she was alright.
Basically, Scott was just horny. Now that was strange for an asexual being,
but hell, he was SCOTT. He can do what he wants.  So, he and she met. She
hated him, as all girls who knew he was asexual did.  But that didn't stop
Scott. He wanted her in the worst way. (The worst way, being of course,
upside down on the monkey bars behind his house). 

     Merrily Barsen was ugly. she knew it. But she was a virgin, and she
WANTED TO GET *LAID*.  In the worst way. (We've already described what the
worst way was.) Now, they obviously had someething in commmon.  However,
neither she nor Scott knew that they shared a favorite position.  So, they
didn't talk.  Because, she decided, he was Asexual, and so he couldn't get her
off.  But she DID think he was cute.  And, although most people didn't know
it, Merrily was a psychotic.  As a child, she would cut the heads off of her
pet chickens and mount them on her wall, like her daddy did with his deer
heads.  So, As she got progressively older, she got progressively sicker. 
Now, she mounted penis' on her wall (she TRIED to get the balls and pubes too,
but sometimes it was too hard.) ANYWAYS. Merrily liked Scott, cuz he was cute.
But being asexual, he didn't have a REAL penis to cut off. (This, as the
rumors went, was because he had given it to a friend of his who now refused to
give it back.) She vowed she would have SOMEONE'S penis on her wall by next
week. 

                              *         *         *

     Dick Kingsman was a Corporate Worker.  He was also a Secret government
assassin.  He loved to assassinate people, because he had nothing better to do
with his time (minus, of course, the fun late night trips to a restaurant for
Coffee).  He got bored easily.  So, when THE DIRECTOR called him up and
requested he take out a hit on some teenage chick named Barsen, he happily
agreed.  Work was good.  Oh, did I mention Mr. Kingsman came from an area
south of the mason-dixon line?  This explains now why his daughter and son are
dating.  But, that will be covered (or uncovered, depending on their mood)
later. 
     Dick Kingsman packed his belongings, told his roomate goodbye, and
shipped off for GlenGrove Illinois.  There he would find his target.  He would
kill her.  He heard she was castrating people, and he was sure he'd know how
uncomfortable HE'D feel without his ego attached to his waist.  

     Damien Kingsman watched his father pack from the crack in his door.  He
turned to his sister, Jess stony (who was really his half-sister, but that's
not important), who happened to be naked and in bed, and smiled.  "Dad's goin'
away again, love. We get the houseto ourselves..."
     Jess smiled, and Damien returned to bed.  

     Cheshire, the cat which the Kingsmans owned (who, incidentally was NOT
named after the character from Alice in Wonderland, but some strange guy they
met through their computer talks) padded into the room in which Damien and
Jess were "talking" (Mind you, this cat wore a strange hat and a bugs bunny
tie), and POUNCED on the bed.  Both of them jumped, and the cat meowed. They
both thought the meow sounded like "Hey! What the HELL do you think yer doing?
And why wasn't I invited?!" But they weren't sure.  So, they dressed, and
decided to take the cat and follow their father on his little trip.  The cat
grinned widely, and fixed his hat.  

                              *         *              *

     Now was the perfect moment. He couldn't wait another moment.  It was
there, he felt it.  He cast his line down a few inches, then pulled with all
his might. The catch that Kneel had waited for all day  leaped out of the
water, and he spied it. Sleek and eel-like, he smiled.  It was his.  The last
of the Decendants of the late Great Sea guardian was his.  He brought it onto
the boat, and staked it with a holy Mango.  That was one less ravaging beast
to deal with.  He smiled, and rowed ashore. His quest was over.  

                    *              *              *

     Dick moved to his prey. He spied her from behind (and what a nice behind,
he thought).  His gun was out, a Glock 20000000000000005.13, the most powerful
TacNuke gun available.  He aimed, and shot.  The bullet caught his prey in the
back, and detonated. She screamed, and fell.  (all this happened during Third
PEriod at the High School) The Teacher screamed. The Kids Screamed.  What the
hell, Dick thought, and screamed too.  He smiled at the techer "Sorry, just
saw that my hair was getting thinner."  Then he rushed to his prey and turned
her over.  

     "THAT WAS KAY SEA! And she was BEAUTIFUL!" someone screamed.  Dick looked
at her, and smiled to her.  "Sorry, sweetie, but you looked psychotic from
behind."  Besides, he thought, he remembered reading that she left her friend
out of one of her stories once. He glanced at the boy who had screamed at him,
and shock and recognition filled his face.  It was an older boy, wearing a
jean jacket covered with lamprey skins.  It was Kneel The Kender, topknot and
all.  "Sorry, Kid." Dick said, and smiled.  "I thught she was someone I knew."
Dick left, and everyone screamed as the glare from his bald spot temporarily
blinded them.

     Damien, Jess, and Chesh looked on with amazement.  Damien looked at his
father as he walked out, and yelled "DAD! I was s'posed to move IN WITH HER!"
His father looked at him and said "Oops.  Cut yer hair and we'll talk about
bringing her back."  
     Damien decided to stop complaining. The Cat looked at Dick and asked
politely (or it seemed like the meow sounded like this): "Why must you go
around shooting people?  Can't we all just get along?"

     Dick shook his head. "What kind of cat wears a bugs bunny tie and a hat
and meows in words?"

     Chesh grinned. "I'm soooooooooooooo fucking alternative! Go to
pittsburgh."

     Dick shrugged and moved off in search of History 101.  The cat followed,
and Damien and Jess went towards the cafeteria to see if they were serving
CHINESE FOOD!!!!!!! 

     Neil stood.  He smelled Lamprey.  Even worse, he smelled Vamprey.  He
rushed outside the room, and spied Dick and a strange looking cat going one
way, and Two kids (brother and sister, obviously, but also closer than that)
going the other.  The keen training it took to become a lamprey hunter taught
him it was coming from the direction of the two teens.  He pulled out his holy
Mango, and rushed after them.  

               *                                            *    *

     Merrily walked towards the cafeteria.  She was just itching to eat some
of yesterday's leftover eggplant parmesean.  She loved eggplants.  She knew
that she and her best friend, Kay Sea, had much in common.  They were even
both beautiful.  Yeah right.  Kay was, but Merrily knew she wasn't.  So, she
gave up thinking along those lines.  That's when she spied two people who
didn't belong in school.  Her keen psychotci senses told her that if she
depantsed the guy, she'd find he wasn't human.  But the girl...perhaps her
pubes would match Merrily's newwest addition to her collection.  She smiled,
and withdrew a  Spork from her pocket.  She ran up behind the female, and
sporked her good and hard.  Damien and Jess whirled.  Jess moaned in pain. 
Damien hissed, and his fangs bared from his round mouth.  A VAMPREY! Merrily
was lucky...she didn't have a vamprey head yet. Withdrawing another spork, she
whirled them in a deadly martial arts-type appearance.  

     It was that moment that Dick saw them.  He whilred, pointing his backup
gun, a Tankstopper, and fired.  wo shot blared through Merrily, and she fell,
sporks clacking to the ground and breaking. (They WERE from Taco Bell, after
all.) Dick ran up, and at the same time, Kneel threw his mango with deadly
force at the unwary form of the Vamprey.  Damien fell, hit by the vicious
thing, and cried out in anguish.


     It was that exact moment that Joe Lamar wandered up with his friend, Liz.
They gawked at the damage done by the mango, and rushed to help Damien, who
they somehow knew was their friend.  And they removed the mango, he smiled
evilly (as well as a round mouth can smile, mind you), and Leaped upon Kneel.
A vicious power struglle began.  Dick was confused and angry that someone
would attack his boy. Anger flowed through him, and he let loose, taking out
Joe and Liz, as well as most of the students.

     SUDDENLY, without warning, the Cat Leaped up and attacked Kneel!  Dick
was blaring away, demolishing the block with his manly gun (which, for some
reason, seemed only two tuna cans big) Can Chesh girnned at the two locked in
their war.  They fought until both fell to the ground, unconcious.  Damien
fell because he had drunk the blood of a pure lamprey hunter, and Kneel
becuase he lost so much blood.  The cat was under them, however, and was
crushed.  He meowed again, which sounded like "GET THE HELL OFFA ME! You
people are SERIOUSLY getting on my nerves here. Why can't I find someone
NORMAL to live with?"  

     Joe Lamar suddenoly stood, a magical aura around his body.  "I AM A
MASTER MAGE! you will all die for your impotence!"  This wasthe point Scott
walked up to meet Merrily.  Hearing the word impotence, he cowered in fear.
Dick fell to the ground, praying to god he wasn't impotent.  The rest were too
unconcious to care.  Joel cast a spell, and both the Vamprey and the Hunter
disappeared.  Jess stood up, Looked about, and fell into Joe's arms. They got
engaged seconds later.  Scott, now angry that he was asexual, approached Joe
and demanded that he return Damien, so Scott could retrieve his penis.  Dick
gave up and went home, vowing never to return to the School, because of such
bad service.  Liz awoke (thanks to Joe's magic), saw the cat, and rushed to
his aid.  Strangely enough, Liz LOVED cats.  Joe, with Jess in his arms,
disappeared to his remote tower, after explaining that the Vamprey and the
Hunter would be trapped in a dimension which looked much like a backayrd,
where they would fight the Great Lamprey Warz for eternity, with a pretty view
of a Greenhouse full of VERY strange sprouts. Now, Liz and Chesh alone, she
deaprted, taking the happy cat with her.

     Unfortunately, the Cat forgot his Grin.

(And his Bus bunny tie, which was picked up by the principal of the school
because he had an important meeting and had forggoten his own tie)

The End.
(or is it?)

<EFBFBD>           <20>  [MiLK] Information
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۲<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>  [MiLK] Issue #043 by Randall Flagg
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>  This file is Exactly 12949 bytes long