textfiles/magazines/MIKE/mike22.txt

Mike's Madness #22

(Season #3 Premier)

To: Music Dept., CSUS
From: Germanic Music Research Dept. (Non-Wagner section), U. of Berlin
Re: Mozart's Requiem
 
Sirs,
 
As is well known, Mozart died before completing the entire score of his
last work, Requiem. Completion of the work was done by Sussmayr in
1793, but there has always been question of how Mozart himself would
have finished the work. Luckily, a copy of Mozart's score was found
recently in our basement that details the completed score. We present
it here in its entirety.
 
(NOTE: Apparently, the Requiem was not written for the wife of Count
Walsegg-Stuppach as previously thought, but for one Count Wilhelm the
Bloated (also known as Wilhelm the Stenchmeister) after he was run-down
in the street by Mozart's horse while he was strolling with his wife,
Eva the Obscenely Fat. The couple were well known in Austria for their
ability to break prolonged wind, stink up even the roomiest concert
halls, and consume massive amounts of other people's food. Wilhelm died
in 1792, and not a moment too soon for most people.)
 
I. Introitus:
 
Oh God, we entrust this poor bastard to you
Because none of us want him hanging here around any longer
Least of which, me, as he has bummed many ducats from my purse
And never paid them back -- the great fucking sot!
Please let him rot in Hell for eternity for this.
 
II. Introitus Interruptus
 
Oh yes!
OH YES!
OH GOD THIS IS GREAT!
OH YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!!
MORE!
Ah Ah AH! AH!! AH!!!
YES! YES! I'M GOING TO . . .
COME BACK HERE!
GOTT-EN-HIMMEL!
COME BACK HERE!
I'M NOT DONE YET!
COME --
Damn.
Fucking sheep . . .
 
III. Appologem
 
Oh Lord, close the Pearly Gates,
Because here comes a right bastard.
I'm sorry that he's coming your way,
But it can't be helped.
Had he not waddled his fat ass in front of my horse
He might still be with us
And not stinking up Paradise
But he did,
And he isn't,
And he is,
So there.
I'm also sorry about the bit of naughtiness with the Berlin All
   Prepubescent Girl's Choir.
I'm also also sorry about carving "Wagner Sucks Shit!" in the fat
   backside of that lad from the Vienna Boy's Choir.
I've already apologized to Herr Wagner for this.
Forgive me these trespasses,
But Salieri's done much worse.
Much MUCH worse.
In fact, he's been a total sot.
See to it that he rots in Hell too.
 
 
Next slime on an almost new Star Trek -- The Next Generation . . .
                            --------------------------------

Wesley tests positive for DRUGS!
 
Wesley: I never!
 
Picquard: It says here you tested positive for amphetamines, LSD,
cocaine, psilocybin, morphine, barbiturates, bufotoxin, thorazine,
methedrone, ritalin, benzedrine, adrenochrome . . .
 
Wesley: But it doesn't say anything about pot!
 
Picquard: . . . and POT! So much so, in fact, that three interns were
caught smoking your urine. And they were quite fucked up, according to
Doctor Crusher!
 
Wesley: Killer!
 
Picquard: You're dismissed from your station! You will either be flushed
into space or sit in the same room with Pat Buchanan while he explains
the positive contributions that Richard Nixon gave to democracy.
 
Wes: SHRRRRIIIIEEEEK! SPACE!! SPACE!! FLUSH ME OUT INTO SPACE!!!!!! (wail!)
     (blubber!)
 
Picquard: Wail? Blubber?
 
Wes: WHALE BLUBBER! It'sa JOKE! Don'tcha git it, son?! What are ya, ah
say what are ya, DENSE?! Now where's that cotton-pickin' dog gone to
now? AW-LA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-LA-LA  AW-DO-DAH! DO-DAW!
 
Yes kids -- poor Wesley has fallen victim to drugs and now thinks he's
Foghorn Leghorn. This happens to millions of kids on a daily basis. God
it's horrible! Just look what drugs did to some of these famous people. . .
 
W. Churchill -- "Let them say that this, ah say this, was their finest hour!
 
J. Kennedy -- "So I say with pride Ich Ien Berlineer. Ahh Do-DAH! Do-DAH!"
 
There's thousands more examples like these, but laws pertaining to the
honesty of claims made during a broadcast forbids us from showing them.
So remember kids, if you know someone doing drugs, be it your best
friend, or your parents, or even your grandparents, just put a .45 to
their head and end their miserable existence.
 
Thank you
 
(cue National Anthem and films of A-10's blowing up tanks)
 
This message paid for by the William Bennet/Lyndon LaRuche/Pat-The-Fat-
Fucking-Goose-Stepping-Swine-Buchanan Fund for Drug Education. Helping make
the world safe for right wing, neo-nazi scum for the last 20 years.
 
(see if there's any way around that part.)
 
 
This is PBS -- TV worth watching!
 
THAT'S RIGHT! It IS TV worth WATCHING! And how much is it WORTH to YOU?!
Y'know Big Brother ain't coughin' up the bucks for Masterpiece Theater
anymore! We gotta depend on cheapskates like YOU to keep these fine programs
on the air! 
 
Now we got a favorite from Sesame Street here. It's our old friend Big Bird.
AND I'M GONNA WASTE THE FUCKER IF WE DON'T START GETTING SOME GODDAMN
PLEDGES IN HERE NOW!!! $300 bucks and I let the bird live! Otherwise there's
gonna be brains and feathers everywhere! . . . No takers? BYE-BYE BIRDY!
 
 [BANG!]
 [THUD!]
 
	Oh look who we have HERE! It's Fred Rogers of Mister Roger's
Neighborhood! HE'S DEAD-FUCKING-MEAT IF I DON'T HEAR A PLEDGE FOR $250! I
don't hear them goddamn PHONES! Can you say EXIT WOUND, Freddy?! I'LL BET
YOU CAN! 
 
 [BANG!]
 [THUD!]
 
	Carl Sagan probably has the best mind in America today. AND IT'S GONNA
BE SPREAD ACROSS THE BACK OF THE STUDIO IF YOU FUCKERS DON'T START FORKIN'
OVER THE CASH! I ain't hearin' the pledges for BILLIONS and BILLIONS, you
assholes! You're goin' on a little journey there Carl . . .
 
 [BANG!]
 [THUD!]
 
	Probably the best loved actors of the Doctor Who series is Tom Baker.
I'M GONNA SEND THIS FUCKER BACK TO BRITAIN IN A BODY-BAG UNLESS ONE OF YOU
CHINTZY BASTARDS STARTS SHELLING OUT! I don't see that pledge total going up!
 
[RIIIIING!]
 
Hello? What? A THOUSAND DOLLARS!? Okay, I'll let him live. Thank you for
your pledge, and your $1000 Club membership prize, the lovely box of
thumbtacks, is coming in the mail.
 
[CLICK]
 
Well, that ends this pledge break. We now return to Reading Rainbow.
 
 
Now on KVIE Channel 6:

READING RAINBOW!
----------------
 
With the esteemed Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
(who has promised not to swear)
(much)
 
	So people ask me,
 
	"Hey Hunter -- how do ya pick up chicks?"
 
	By the asshole!
 
	Listen, I wanna talk about that fat swine, Buchan- WAIT A MINUTE! HEY!
LEGGO! WE HAD AN AGREEMENT!! LEGGO GODDAMNIT! I'M A FAMOUS DOCTOR OF FUCKIN'
JOURNALISM, YOU ACID-CRAZED SACKS OF PUS!!! FUCKING PUBLIC TELEVISION HAS NO
BALLS ANYMORE! COME ON, LEGGO! I BETTER GET A CHECK, YOU BASTARDS! I --
 
[SLAM!]
 
 
Now on KVIE Channel 6:
 
READING RAINBOW!
----------------
 
With the esteemed LeVar Burton
(Who would never even DREAM of saying any of those awful things that nasty
Dr. Thompson said, lest he lose the "Next Generation" gig.)
(much)
 
	So a friend asks me, 
 
	"Hey Geordy -- how do you pick up space chicks?"
 
	"Simple Wesley," I said. "By the asshole!"
 
	I wanna talk about that fat swine, Buchan-  GIT OFF ME! HEY! GIMME THE
GODDAMN VISOR BACK! YOU TREACHEROUS BASTARDS! GIMME THE FUCKIN' VISOR! COME
BACK HERE! DATA?! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?! Wes? Will? Beverly? ANYBODY?!
HELLLL-LO! Anyone there?! Damn, I feel like Ray Charles . . .
 
 
Seven Reasons Why You Shouldn't Buy Things From Door-to-Door Salesmen
---------------------------------------------------------------------
[Knock-Knock]   [Knock-Knock]
[click]
[creeeak]
 
Old crone: 'ullo?
Salesman: 'ello Graham! I'm a door-to-door salesman.
OC: Go away!
SM: Did you know there are seven reasons you shouldn't buy things from door-
    to-door salesmen?
OC: I don't care!
SM: Well these are seven VERY important reasons, Mum.
OC: Shove off!
SM: More than most people realize!
OC: What are these reasons, then?
SM: Well, you have to buy this 'ere book to find out.
OC: 'ere! That's a cheat! I'm not buyin' that!
SM: You'll never know the reasons then . . .
OC: I 'adn't thought of that. Let me 'ear one of them.
SM: Well . . . they might not be British salesmen. They might be French!
OC: THE BASTARDS!
SM: Yus Mum! Boozey Frenchmen wot come across the Channel with their cheese
    and wine and froggy ideas about mans' place in the universe, spreadin'
    filth and going on and on and on about Marcell Marso and Jock Crewsto and
    not really knowing anything about bombing peaceful vessels anchored in
    neutral waters . . .
OC: Worse than Communists!
SM: Much worse, Mum!
OC: Worse than Germans?
SM: Not by a fucking longshot.
OC: YOU might be French!
SM: Oui' . . .
OC: WOT!??
SM: Nothing, Mum.
OC: You just spoke FRENCH!
SM: No no! I'm sure you are mistaken, Madame . . .
OC: YOU DID IT AGAIN!
SM: No such thing . . . 
OC: YOU ARE FRENCH!
SM: Ssssssssssh!
OC: GREAT FROGGY ALERT, GIRLS!
The woman downstairs: Give 'im Plan 9, Gladys!
OC: Right-ho! HEAVE!
[picks up hapless froggy and chucks him down 18 flights of stairs.]
OC: TAKE THAT YOU SWINE!
[slams door]
 
YES! Another victory over the French! This one was by Mrs. Gunshotwound in
Bournsmouth, but you could be our next home-town hero by flattening
offending froggies whereever they may hide! Here's how you can help!
 
REMEMBER:
1) Stay away from Quebec!
2) Avoid wine -- drink plenty of Bass & COs. Pale Ale.
3) Occasional masturbation is not a sign of mental weakness.
4) The French are very dim. Lure them into alleys with stinking hunks of
   goat cheese and bludgeon them senseless.
5) Should you encounter an explosives laden froggy, remind him you are not a
   Greenpeace vessel and he'll slink away.
6) Never let a frenchy feel your genitals.
 
Just remember those simple facts and you'll help keep England forever French
free!
 
(Cue: God Save the Queen)
(fade)
 
And now on BBC 2:
 
The Voice of America News.
-------------------------
Pre-sented this eve-en-ning by the Right Honorable Justice Ken P. Conartist.
 
[slightly dotty, over-blown male's voice.): Good evening all you Limeys out
there. This is Mr. Apricot . . . CONARTIST! speaking to you tonight on the
Voice of America. We are here to inform you, the British listener, that all
those lies you hear about America just aren't true. There are many well made
American cars. Reagan did many things RIGHT during his presidency, too! And
gangs of insane youth toting automatic weapons do not roam the streets of
our larger cities randomly shooting people. Much. Furthermore . . .
 
    [* c-r-a-c-k-! *]
    [WAH-BOOOOHMPH! -thud!-]
    [* C-R-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-C-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-K-L-L-L-L-L-E-E-E-E!! *]
 
[control room voice]: Oh Christ, what's happened to 'im now?
[floor manager]: Hit by lightening! Kilt 'im dead!
CM: That's THREE in the last bloody week!
FM: What's doin' it, then?
 
Announcer: "What's doin' it?", indeed! Why, it's the . . .
 
-*- N E W -*-
  W R A T H
      O'
    G O D
Personal Protection Substance
 
YES! All the power of Jehovah packed into this tiny 3 ounce can! Yet it can
stop attackers in an instant and it hunts down perverts and gives 'em wot's
comin'!
 
[cut to real prim, uptight, stick-up-the-ass type woman holding can out at
arm's length and firing it.]
 
[cut to Arab masturbating over a camel (not the cigarette) in the desert.
Lightning zaps up from over the horizon, nails him in the ass and blows him
to hell. Camel chews cud.]
 
God: That'a'way, Maggie! Now about getting this Poll Tax thing through . . .
 
-*- N E W -*- 
  W R A T H
      O'
    G O D
 
Stops Attackers,
Kills Perverts.

What more could a Republican want?
 
 

[Two women standing in supermarket aisle.]
 
Woman 1: Ya know Butch, I wish I was as smart as Dan Quayle. I mean, he was
just a hometown kid who became Vice President. Not to mention his important
new role as Chief Asteroid Watcher.  He's just so smart!
 
Woman 2: Well now you can, Bob! With the new Dan Quayle Home Lobotomy Kit,
you can be as smart as our beloved Vice President in a snap. Includes
needles, cutting wire and a 220v "Skull Fuck" brand power drill! Just drill
these 4 small holes, insert the cutting wire with the needle, and PULL!
Walla! That troublesome ol' frontal cortex is gone and you're as bright as
Dan Quayle. Maybe even BRIGHTER!
 
Woman 1: I'll get that!
 
Announcer: Yes, the Dan Quayle Home Lobotomy Kit is available at finer K-
MARTS and Walco's.

-----
(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc.

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