textfiles/magazines/MIKE/mike18.txt

Mike's Madness #18

And now . . .

# 23: A bit for urologists

Two Songs for Urologists:

Pee for Two
Urine the Money


There will now follow a rebuttal by the Conservative Party:
 
     'oo is responsible for this crap?!  'Songs for Urologists'

				INDEED!  
 
				The Very Butch Maggie Thatcher, P.M. 

And now . . .

--------------------- 
American History Hour 
--------------------- 
With your host, the very violent Mr. D.P. Gumby!

Good evening Fred! 

   Tonight I shall entertain you by explainin' Columbus' discovery of the
New World while 'ittin' meself in th' 'ead wif a brick!

Good evening Fred! 
 
   Columbus, wot was a dirty Portegee bastard, got sodden at the 'Get On Inn'
and stole three ships!

[POCK!] 

   THE GREAT SOT!

[SMACK!] [WHAP!] [CRACK!] [THUMP!] etc...

. . . And now on BBC 2 

     Do you live in Iseley?

     (old crone): "I do!"

     And do you like foreigners?

     "NO! Not a bit!"

     Perhaps YOU should join the Iseley 'I Hate Bloody Foreigners' Club.
Every week we go out and put the boot to dirty foreigners what spoil the
beauty that is forever England. You too can torment wops, eye-ties,
froggies and other assorted scum by setting their homes afire, letting
down their tyres and throwing dead dogs through their windows!

     "Oooh! That sounds like fun! How do I join?" 

     Just drop 50,000 quid in an envelope and send it to: 

     God I Hate Bloody Foreigners!
     c/o Maggie Thatcher
     10 Downing St.
     London, England.

     (Not affiliated with the Greater Britain Nazi Party)



     Look!
     Rummaging through your stash!
     It's a nark!
     It's a CAMP Agent!
     (same thing)

     Nooooooooooooooo. . .

     IT'S!

     (Cue Liberty Bell March)

     M O N T Y   P Y T H O N ' S   F L Y I N G   C I R C U S ! !

     No! It's not that, you great twit!

     IT'S!

	  - - - - - - - - - -
     ---> B O G A R T M A N ! <---
	  - - - - - - - - - -
     Faster than a crack addict ripping off your house!
     More powerful than a German's armpit!
     Able to suck down an entire 8'th of your best greenbud in a single hit!

     It's BOGARTMAN!

(Two stoners in an alley)
 
"Hey bud, gotta joint?"
"Yeah, this is the last of that pound of killer scents my brother brought
back from Humbolt!"
"KILLER! Spark it, dude!"
 
(whips out a hefty ol' bomber and lights it) 
 
*WHOOOOOSH!*
 
(Dude in flaming red tights lands next to the duo)
 
"HEY! It's BOGARTMAN!"
"Oh nooo maaaaan. . ."

Bogartman: "Good citizen, let me sample that healthy spliff so that I may
determine if it's been contaminated by Paraquat!"

"Oh hey, they don't use that stuff any . . . HEY! Gimme that joint back, man!"

"Never fear, good citizen, I'll only take a small hit. . ."

TFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-FF-FF-FF-FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF 
FTFTFTFTFTTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFF-FFFTTFFTFTFTFTFF-FFFFFFFFFFFFF-F-F-F- 
F-F-F-FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFTPH! 

"Oh hey man, you could have at least left us a ROACH!"

"Rest easy, Citizen, these ashes are wholly uncontaminated!"
 
"Oh thanks, man. . ."
 
"I must go now, Citizens.  My Brother-in-law just scored some 'shrooms.
I must pay him a visit!  All sortsa bad 'shrooms goin' around!"

(1 week later: same stoners, same alley)
 
"Hey man, that's a killer bong!"

"Yeah, too bad I don't have anything to smoke. . ."
 
"Dude, I gotta ball of some Turkish hash my Poli Sci teacher snuck outta
Istanbul! Two hits'll get you totally fucked up!"
 
"Pack it, dude!"
 
(packs this huge ball of hash into the tiny bowl) 
  
*WHOOOOOOOOSH!*

"Oh NO!"

"Citizens, it is I, Bogartman! Dirty bongs are a breeding ground for
harmful bacteria. Let me clean that for you!"

"No way man, you ain't gettin' this . . . HEY! Gimme that back!"

"The first thing I must do is burn off all this excess hash in your bowl!"

(One 15 minute long bong hit later. . .) 

"There you are, Citizen, a clean bowl!"

"You FUCKER! You just inhaled my entire hash ball!!"

"No need to thank me, Citizen.  It's all in a day's work for BOGARTMAN!"

(Same alley, same stoners: One week later) 

"Hey dude! Whazzup? Whaz in the bottle?"

"It's 450,000 mics of liquid LSD, man. Cost me 7 paychecks, but I'm gonna
get even with that damn Bogartman . . . Oh LOOK! I have this HUGE BOTTLE
of VODKA! Too bad BOGARTMAN isn't here to share it! I wonder where
BOGARTMAN is?! It would be a shame to let all this VODKA go to WASTE!! Oh
where ever could BOGARTMAN be?!?! (Where the hell is he?) OH . . ."

"Hey dude, it's the COPS!"

"oh-oh. . ."

(officer walks up)

"Whaddaya got in the bottle, buddy?"

"Uh, it's, uh, BOTTLED WATER! YEAH! bottled water . . . uh-huh. . ."
 
"Well it looks like vodka to me and drinking on public streets is illegal. . ."
 
(cop grabs bottle and smashes it on the street)
 
". . . but I'll let ya off with a warning this time! HAHAHAHAHA!"
 
*WHOOOOOSH!*

Cop: "Who the hell are you?!"
 
"Stout law enforcement officer, I am Bogartman! And this man licking the
pavement here is my friend!  Just last week he let me smoke some of his
killer hash. . ."
 
(breaking out handcuffs): "Zat so?"

". . . and the week before he let me smoke his last joint!"

Cop: "Thank you, good citizen. . ." (slaps cuffs on hippies)

Bogartman: "No need to thank me! It's all in a day's work for BOGARTMAN!"

You can read the further adventures of Bogartman, and his faithful
companion Freeloader in True Tales of Dope!  Published by DC (Dope Comix).
Remember, only dopes believe that idiotic three-word phrases will actually
accomplish anything!


The American Abroad . . . 

    "Hey, here we are in India and LOOKITHAT! Damn! There sure are
alotta HINDUS around here! HEY! COME ON AND MOVE IT, YOU RAGHEAD
BASTARD! Fuck! WHOA! Thereza fuckin' COW in the middle of the street!
[SCREEEEEmmooooOOOTHUMP!EEEETCH!]. Awdamnit! Hey! HEY! Which one of
you hindis own this here cow?! HEY! HEY!! Don'tcha understand ENGLISH?! The
English OWNED yer fuckin' country! Gawddamit! Hertz is gonna charge me
BUCKS for this! Aw shit . . . Oh hey . . . There's gotta be a good $700 in
steaks on that bastard! Where's that damn German survival knife? Here we
go! Start on the flank here .  . . WHAT?! What the fuck are YOU yellin'
about?! If this was yer fuckin' cow, ya shoulda SAID something about it!
Damn!  Aw screw it, I gotta take a fuckin' leak.
    "I'll just piss over here in this river. LOOKOUT BELOW! Here buddy,
lemme dye that turban for ya! Hawhawhaw . . . Ganges WHAT?! Ganges THIS
you mutherfucker!!!  Izzat your cow I'm pissin' on?  Well ya oughta git
yer fuckin' cow OUTTA the river, then people won't PISS on it, you stupid
poverty-stricken mewler!
    "I think ya got that fez wrapped a little too tight there Ghandi!
WHAT?!  HEY!!! I understand 'FUCK YOU' no matter WHAT language it's spoken
in!  See this, you little third-world bastard?! Itza LUGER! Germans made
it, and if anyone knows about killin' people, it's the fuckin' KRAUTS! So
I advise you to apologize in whatever way deemed fit lest I add one more
rider to the Wheel of Karma!  Lookit that old whore over there!  HEY
BITCH!  HEY!  You wanna wrap them ol' dried lips around THIS?!  You ever
seen a cobra spit?  Just like it .  .  .  you're Mother WHO?  Oh yeah?
Big fuckin' deal for YOU! And I'm Daddy Warbucks!  Hawrhawrhawr . . ."
 
  Comin' next time: 
 
Bogartman vs. 18 pounds of YOUR best weed! 
An American in Africa! 
Nancy Reagan: The Mouth that Roared! 
Ronald Reagan: The Mouth that Snored! 
Donald Regan: The Mouth that Bored!
John Tower: The Mouth that Scored! 
Hunter S. Thompson: The Mouth that Gored!  
Dan Quaile: The Mouth that was Ignored! 
Jessica Hawn: The Mouth that Whored! 
	   
All this and some dude who wishes he WASN'T Andy Rooney (heh heh heh) next
time on . . .
 
Mike's Madness! 
 
(Mike's Madness is a public affairs program of this Unix node.  The views
represented here are not meant to be confused with those of someone with
common sense.
 
Thank you.
-----
(C) 1990 Yucks For You, Inc.