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2021-04-15 11:31:59 -07:00
Date: Sat, 12 Feb 1994 19:09:57 -0800
From: Cooking with potential energy <wrd@beer.wa.com>
Subject: M00se Droppings #47
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #47 2/11/1994
========================================================================
STAFF:
Editor In Chief: Bill Dickson <wrd@beer.wa.com>
Assistant/News Editor: Dominic White <ick@artiste.wa.com>
Reviews Editor: Gary Olson <swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu>
------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************ THE ISSUE AT A GLANCE *************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITORIALS AND LETTERS
Welcome Back!
EVENTS AND NEWS
Rhett the M00se, In Memoriam
FEATURES
Ask the Sage
Tracking the Coming of the M00sey Age
REVIEWS
Nerf Weaponry
Boing-Boing
Right Guard Sports Stick "Fresh Scent" Deodorant
------------------------------------------------------------------------
************************ EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Greetings, my fellow m00ses.
Welcome to issue forty-seven of M00se Droppings, the official
newsletter of the M00se Illuminati. It's been a long time since issue
forty-six, which came out on Thanksgiving, 1990. Much has transpired since
that day; I have moved to Seattle, Washington, I turned twenty-six at about
3:00 this morning, and I have learned to make beer.
The next few issues of M00se Droppings are going to be somewhat
changeable and inconsistent; they are essentially a stop-gap measure until
we can really rework the newsletter. I had hoped to have the reworking
complete by now, but as it turns out, I'm in the middle of writing a book
and I don't have time. Hence, my introduction is necessarily short.
We wanted to get the issue out today, however, as it is now the 39th
month since the last issue of M00se Droppings. Thirty-nine naturally
reduces quite easily to thirteen, one of the M00sey numbers; plus, it is
the eleventh day of the second month, giving us another thirteen. So you
can see how important it was to get the issue out, how it speaks so
powerfully to the very essence of our m00sey natures and our inner selves.
[Editor's Note -- Due to circumstances beyond our control, the issue was
delayed by a day. However, there seems to have been no major cosmic
repercussions. Please disregard the above paragraph.]
Until my book is complete (March 15), I will be turning over Editor In
Chief duties to my Assistant Editor, Dominic White (Icky-M00se). Please
send all submissions to him, with the exception of review submissions,
which go to Gary Olson (Svedishm00se).
If you would like to volunteer for the position of Features Editor,
please contact me. You will be responsible for the Sage's advice column,
the periodic updates on the coming of the M00sey Age, and anything else we
decide to pick up on a regular basis.
When the overhaul of M00se Droppings takes place, we will begin
publishing it in setext format. Setext is a text "markup" format --plain
text files contain unobtrusive markup characters that allow a setext reader
to display them with limited formatting. They also allow the reader to
index the contents of the file. Thus, where a plain text reader (like your
regular old UNIX mailer) sees **bold** and _underline_, a setext reader
will display the words "bold" and "underline" in the appropriate styles.
The indexing is the most useful feature. It can be implemented in
many ways, but on the Mac, you have a three-window reader. The top left
window contains the list of indexed files. The top right window contains
the subsections in the selected file. The large bottom window contains the
text of the selected section. It's been used successfully for the online
publication TidBITS for quite some time, and is ideal for small electronic
newsletters.
The catch is that there are only two readers currently available --
one for the Mac (Easy View) and one extremely rudimentary one for UNIX.
Any programmers out there interested in writing versions for Windows, DOS,
XWindows, or whatever, please contact me and I'll get you all the
information I can.
On a final note, you may be pleased to know that our first issue is
going to exactly 50 subscribers. Not bad after a gap of more than three
years! Of course, this means the issues are already rather large for
transmission. If anybody has any leads on a LISTSERV that would make a
good home for M00se Droppings, please let me know!
And now, on with the issue.
Bl00p!
-Pickle
------------------------------------------------------------------------
*************************** EVENTS AND NEWS ****************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------
M00se Droppings has not been published since 1989. Here are a few
items of m00sey import that have happened since the last issue.
-Icky-M00se
Mosi Tatupu, New England Patriots star running back of the 80's and
the object of affection for many New England fans known as Mosi's
M00ses, officially retired.
The "Mariner Moose" became the official mascot of Major League
Baseball's Seattle Mariners. "I'm happy for him, I really am. But I
have no idea why they made a him their mascot. M00ses don't have
anything to do with mariners, the ocean, boats, or anything," said
'Squatch,' his longtime friend and mascot of the National Basketball
Association's Seattle SuperSonics.
The Northern Exposure m00se, who wandered the fictional city of
Cicely, Alaska at the opening of each episode with quiet reverence and
dignity, died a peaceful death in his modest cabin outside of Roslyn,
Washington surrounded by family and friends.
"Rhett," as his enlightened, but flawed, m00sey human friends
called him, was a m00se among m00ses. His life was a succession of
charitable deeds and noble acts. He always had time for others and
treated everyone the same, be they m00sey or not.
He lived in pleasant obscurity for most of his charitable life.
Despite his reluctance to leave the foothills of the Cascade Mountain
range, he made many friends all over the country, and it was a casual
relationship with a television producer named Joshua Brandley that got
him into show business.
"He really had no desire to be on television," said the successful
producer. "But he knew the show needed a certain oh... m00siness that
only he could provide. And he also knew I was desperate. So really he
did it as a favor to me. In fact, I have to say the entire success of
the show is due to Rhett. I originally wanted to film it on a Hollywood
soundstage, but he suggested Roslyn instead. It was definitely the
right choice. Oh, and one more thing. The rumors involving Rhett and
Janine Turner are absolutely false and have no factual basis."
While many of the young actors on Northern Exposure view the show
as a stepping stone to greater rewards and a richer life, Rhett
considered it a fun way to spend his autumn years. I firmly believe the
fame he finally achieved was more than a fun way to retire, it was a
tribute to a fine m00se whose greatest contributions to all the earth's
creatures were done out of the limelight and garnered rewards far
greater to Rhett than fame. This modest m00se once said, "I've lived a
fine, normal m00sey life. I can only hope someone out there is willing
to make my obituary sound more interesting that it really is." No need,
Rhett. No need.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* FEATURES *******************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------
ASK THE SAGE
The Only Advice Column You'll Ever Need, If You've Got $10 on You
by Superguy Digest's
The Sage
Hello! Allow me to introduce myself. I am the Sage! I know
everything! Yes, that's right, everything!
I can tell, even now, that some of you are shaking your heads in
disbelief. How do I know? Because I'm the Sage, dammit! I know these
things! And I'm talking to you, Boris K. in Cleveland! I know about
your secret 'Barney' fantasy! And you, Alice M. of Wake Forest! Peanut
butter is not, I repeat, *not* effective as a contraceptive!
On to the letters! Being as this is the first issue of the revival
of 'M00se Droppings no actual letters have been sent in yet. But,
because I am the Sage, I already know the contents of the letters that
*will* be sent in following the shipment of this issue! So, I can
answer them now, and save the necessity of their being sent! What did I
tell you? I'm the Sage! I know everything!
--------
Dear Sage,
I've been with my current girlfriend for over three years now, and
I'm thinking of asking her to marry me. If I did ask her now, what
would her answer be?
Signed,
Nervous in New Mexico
Well, Nervous in New Mexico (which is how I will address you, even
though you're really Alex Sanderson, a well known philatelist in Santa
Fe), I say ask her. She will reply 'yes' to your offer, and you will
spend a blissful week calling everybody you know and telling them about
your upcoming wedding. This will end when you get hit by a bus and die
on the spot, at which point she will pawn her ring and go out with a
European poodle breeder named 'Pierre.' That'll be $10, please.
--------
Dear Sage,
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Signed,
Bored in Bali
Ah! A question that has perplexed philosophers and luminaries for
ages. Fortunately, I, the Sage, know the answer! After all, I know
everything! That answer is: the chicken, of course. Fortunately, he is
seeing a sex expert to take care of his little 'prematurity' problem,
and should be in better sync with his partner in the near future.
That'll be $15.
--------
Dear Sage,
Okay, you know about my infatuation with Barney the Dinosaur. What
can I do to get him to notice me?
Signed,
Boris K. in Cleveland
I recommend coating yourself in chicken gravy, then parading in
front of him while the cameras are on. He will certainly notice you
then. In fact, he will probably eat you and spit out your bones. The
kids that surround him like a cloud of flies will take your bones and
build a tree fort with them. That will be $10, please.
That's all the time I have for this issue! This is the Sage,
signing off!
[Editor's Note: We are currently negotiation a contract with the Sage
which, we hope, will make the per-question charges unnecessary. Stand
by for more information.]
TRACKING THE COMING OF THE M00SEY AGE
Prophecy McNuggets for your edification
by
Sabre the Pr0phetm00se
It has come to the attention of the Pr0phetm00se that many so
called `prophecies' are surrounding the upcoming end of the millennium,
scheduled by the non-illuminated as January 1st, 2001. The
Destructionists claim that the hurricanes, floods, earthquakes,
blizzards, fires and Dallas Super Bowl victories of the last few years
are leading up to a global apocalypse of horrific dimension. The
Reconstructionists claim that we are passing from the Piscean age of
horror and militant science and into the Aquarian Age of Naturalism and
love. The Liberals claim we are heading for economic prosperity. The
conservatives claim we are heading for economic ruin.
Charlatans.
The flaws in all of these budget Nostradumuses are self-evident to
the truly enlightened, which I (having drunk Winter Welcome Beer, Red
Rose Tea, and Dalwhinnie 15 year old scotch before writing this)
currently am. Now, I recognize that many of you have neither the
inclination nor the constitution to partake of these substances in the
toxic levels and mixtures required to achieve Delphic accuracy, so I
shall attempt to distill my own visions and insights into something that
we the M00se Illuminati can discover and understand.
First and foremost, I have gazed upon the naked sight of the death
of our world, and discovered that the Planet Earth's end shall not come
in fire or in torture, but in fact occurred in 1938 in Piccadilly,
England. It was a nasty destruction of the planet, but as it occurred
in Piccadilly, it was assumed that the destruction was in fact merely a
heated dispute (or `brawl') between Piccadilly fans and Manchester
United fans, after a particularly poor call. As a result, no one
realized that the planet had been destroyed and life (or a bizarre
hallucination of it) continued as normal. Therefore, there is no cause
for concern over the destruction of the Earth, as it has in fact already
occurred, having happened nearly fifty years ago.
Secondly, the coming of m00siness in America has become inevitable,
through the appearance of four signs, which have *already* *occurred*.
That's right -- none of this `ooo, this *will* happen' crap here. These
are all verifiable! That's right! We're on our way already. So, let's
take a look:
The Fist Sign was the 1992 Presidential Election. This is not to
say that the Pr0phetm00se is endorsing Clinton -- though I will admit
our current president is more innately humorous than any Republican
excepting Dan Quayle, who himself is unelectable (we *pray*). However,
immediately after the election, the Democratic Congress began to
fragment and twist, even though through simple unity the could pass any
measure. This fragmentation is a direct degeneration into Anarchy.
Ah, you say, but the Republicans are standing firm. Yes, but their
strongest leader is Senate Minority Leader Robert Dole. Senator Dole,
for those of you who don't listen to National Public Radio or watch CNN,
is a mean-ass son of a bitch. I'm not talking his politics. Merely his
personality. Mean guy. Under his leadership, and out of fear, the
Republicans are standing firmly, if ineffectually. Come time for the
next election, however, there will be a feeding frenzy, as various
republicans, madder than hell at Dole, tear him down.
So, the Democrats are fracturing. The Republicans are getting
ready for a cannibalistic orgy. The result for the U.S. Government?
Higgledy- Piggledy.
And thus comes the M00sey Age.
The Second Sign was the winning of the Late Night Wars by David
Letterman -- Honorary M00se and Late-Show M00se. Mr. Letterman has
successfully broken down and eliminated Jay "Mr. Establishment" Leno,
made us all forget Arsenio "Boring" Hall, and made the Vice President of
the United States, Former President Carter, and Sean Connery all look
like idiots, and all three are more popular than ever as a result. When
Al Gore -- a man who is the odds on favorite to be president in the year
2001, which is that fated millennium we've been talking about -- said
`Buttafucco' on National Television, I knew the M00sey age was not far
behind.
The Third Sign is Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern. Between the two
of them, they own A.M. Radio. They own it to the point that in every
key market, their shows are outperforming F.M. This is despite the fact
that neither one of them really deserves to live, much less be rich.
Tell me that ain't M00se-level perversity.
The Fourth Sign is the fact that the Buffalo Bills have lost four
Super Bowls in a row. They are the best team in the A.F.C., and they
have had their butts kicked by the N.F.C. four years running. This
means that even as far as football fanatics are concerned, there simply
is no point to the Super Bowl any longer. The A.F.C. can't compete. To
that fact -- the uselessness of the A.F.C. -- we must add Fox's stealing
of the N.F.C. games from CBS. For those of you who do not know -- there
is not a *single* Fox program on television today that is above 40 in
the weekly Nielsons. Not one. The Simpsons, Beverly Hills 90210,
Married with Children -- all below 40. Therefore, N.F.C. Football will
also drop to below 40 in the ratings. No one will watch N.F.C. games.
There is no point to watching A.F.C. games. Therefore, N.F.L. Football
will die within the year. The destruction of N.F.L. Football will in
and of itself mean the destruction of a way of life for fat white Middle
Class Americans. What will replace it? The M00se Age, of course.
So all looks rosy, right? Wrong. Of course not. Don't be such an
idiot. There is a dark force which could obliterate the consensual
shared- hallucination of life utterly. There is indeed something to
worry about....
And that is the 1994 Winter Olympics, but that is a subject for the
next column. After all, no Pr0phet -- especially a Pr0phetm00se -- can
tip his entire hand in one column, right? Right.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
******************************* REVIEWS ********************************
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hail and well bl00ped, fellow m00ses! This is Svedishm00se, your review
m00se of the eleven veils (some of you may remember me as Harl0ck from
long before). In this edition, we have reviews by the lovely and
talented Sabre of the Nerf Missile Blaster, Nerf Bow, and Nerf
Boomerang, while I review Boing Boing Magazine and Right Guard Sports
Stick ("Fresh Scent") Deodorant.
All reviews for future editions of M00se Droppings should be sent to me
at swede@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu, or swede@drycas.bitnet. Review
anything you like - films, fanzines, deodorants, religions, and so on.
You are encouraged to invent your own rating system - the more
inconsistent this section is, the m00sier it is. If you are able to
send your review formatted to 72 columns, please do. If not, don't
worry about it - this isn't rocket science, you know.
- Svedishm00se
* * *
THE ARMAMENT REPORT
by
Sabre the Pr0phetm00se
We the M00se Illuminati are collectively a pacifist anarchist
movement. However, we live in a violent world. A nasty, violent
world. A world that is, above all, nasty and violent. A world that
actually ended in 1938 in Piccadilly, England, but is nasty and violent
nonetheless. So, we must arm ourselves to protect ourselves. But we
must arm ourselves in such a way that we are still pacifists. We must
be ready to perform non-violent acts brutal in their violence.
Paradox? Not at all...for we can arm ourselves with...NERF!!!!!!
That's right. Nerf. The Playground Football stuff. Nerf causes
little to no harm, and at the same time can be employed in mind-
bogglingly violent fashions. Thus, a fellow can preserve his principles
and his honor all at once.
Thus, I shall review three Nerf weapons and give an overview of a
few other options. This will help the discriminating M00se in this
most important issue of arming himself peacefully.
THE NERF MISSILE BLASTER:
The basic Nerf weapon. The Nerf Missile Blaster is a small pistol
like unit made out of a molded reddish orange plastic, with black
plastic parts. It fires small black and yellow mini-missiles made of
100% Nerf. You fire the weapon by pulling the black trigger pump out of
the forward part of the pistol, while the missile itself rests on a
black tube that extends from the back of the weapon. You then pull the
pump towards you swiftly, which causes an air charge to blast the
missile off of the tube out towards your enemy. A rack comes with the
pistol and can be locked on the pistol, allowing you to carry all three
missiles that come with the weapon on the weapon itself.
This pistol is astoundingly effective. I have successfully fired
the weapon a full city block, with a great arcing motion. The missiles
fire fast enough so that it is hard to dodge them. And the gun retails
between seven and nine dollars, which means you can get them at any
Woolworths for next to nothing. These things are *wonderful*. They are
durable and silly looking, all at once.
Furthermore, you can strike your opponent in any part of the
anatomy, *including* the male genitalia, and cause no harm whatsoever.
None. It has happened to me. I would think a shot to the eye would be
nasty, but it is the only way I can even *conceive* of causing actual
damage with one of these little devils.
This pistol, once it catches on, will easily be the weapon of
choice in games of Killer, TAG: The Assassination Game, or the like.
With a greater range and less harmful potential than conventional
suction-cup dart guns, the weapon is perfect for such things.
Furthermore, it is red-orange and looks nothing like a real weapon, so
most fascist campus police types won't be able to justify shooting you
when they do. And that means you'll be able to sue them for a lot of
money indeed.
RATINGS:
Accuracy: 97 out of a possible 100. More when fired at Vince
McMahon of the World Wrestling Federation on your
Television (will not harm your TV)
Usefulness: 899 out of a possible 933. There are few
situations, from business to sex, where a shot to
the forehead with one of these babies won't make
things better.
M00siness: 2 out of Pi. It's practically guaranteed that any
situation, when two people have these babies, will
become a more M00sey situation.
THE NERF BOW:
This Nerf Weapon is mind bogglingly fearsome looking. It is huge,
and made of black and blue plastic, with blaze orange `bow' attachments
and a black cord that connects to the handle of the Firing Mechanism.
The Arrows are much larger versions of the mini-missiles above (the
Arrows may also be used in the Nerf Missile Launcher, the Nerf Master
Blaster, and make nice throwing weapons) and are yellow and blue. Once
again the Nerf Bow comes with a rack to hold the two spare arrows on the
weapon itself. The `loaded' arrow fits on a rod that extends from the
apex of the bow. You fire the bow by pulling back on the bow's handle,
which extends out of the body (and makes you look like you're drawing a
real bow). When you release, the unit snaps in forming a compressed air
charge that blasts the Arrow off at the target. There is a sighting
mechanism on the bow.
This weapon is more powerful than the Missile Blaster, though the
range is considerably less (I expect thirty feet is the furthest one
could expect to he effective). The action on the weapon is good, though
I admit I prefer the weapons that you can control the amount of air
pressure involved (this weapon you pull back and release, letting the
internal springs fire the Arrow, limiting your power to the power of the
springs). I found that the arrows pull to the right of the sighted
target as well. The impacts cause a slight stinging to bare skin, which
leads me to recommend not using head-shots with this weapon. The weapon
appears incapable of causing actual harm, however.
The Nerf Bow's true effectiveness is in appearance. The thing
*looks* as though it should be toted around by Chewbacca the Wookie from
Star Wars. Facing the business end of this Bow is an exercise in
nervousness, though it is Nerf, so the nervousness is misplaced. It is
powerful and accurate, and well worth owning as heavy artillery.
However, I have to admit I am disappointed in a `bow' with a shorter
range than a pistol.
The Nerf Bow has specialty arrows available (which may be used with
the other Nerf Weapons indicated above). You may have Water Arrows
(they have softer sponge cores which absorb water, leading to a
splashdown impact) and suction cup arrows (self explanatory). The
suction cup arrows, not having Nerf based warheads, could likely cause
more harm than others. I have yet to test the effectiveness of any of
these.
I can recommend this weapon as being a lot of fun, and as being a
good intimidation factor for M00se Throngs staging Nerf Wars. It is not
nearly as M00sey a weapon as the Missile Blaster, however.
RATINGS:
Accuracy: 10 out of 17.5. The weapon pulls to the right, but
it does so consistently, so as one gets used to the
action of the weapon, they learn to lead to the
left.
Usefulness: 47 out of 55. It is best at short ranges, but is
very effective there.
M00siness: 2 out of 10. The discipline needed for this weapon
counteracts the chaos inherent in Nerf.
THE NERF BOOMERANG:
The Nerf Boomerang is a green Nerf weapon, with three arms
extending from it's center at obtuse angles to each other. Each arm is
shaped like an airplane wing, with a plastic yellow button (for weight)
near the end of each arm. The arms are `warped,' angling towards the
top of the weapon. One `fires' the weapon by holding one of the arms,
with the top of the weapon facing you, cocking your arm, and throwing
with a spinning motion.
The Nerf boomerang is much firmer Nerf than the other weapons
reviewed herein. It could conceivably cause more damage than other Nerf
weapons because of this, except for one thing.
The Nerf boomerang is aerodynamically designed to fly in a circular
arc, returning to your hand. That's the design. Well, there isn't a
*single* Nerf boomerang that has ever done this. The weapons simply fly
off in a dizzying array of loops, swoops, and arcs, forming a chaotic
patter that is, to be blunt, hilarious. As a weapon it is useless
because it is more likely you will win the lottery without being shot
than it is you will hit your target. You will likely paralyze your
target with amazement and laughter, however, as they watch the
aerodynamic improbabilities inherent in the design of this weapon. It is
the most M00sey weapon I've ever seen. What's more, the Nerf
Boomerang redefines the frisbee-like game of catch, turning it into a
contact sport.
RATINGS:
Accuracy: -150 out of any number you want to choose.
Usefulness: There has never been any more useless weapon
invented for any purpose.
M00siness: Infinity minus two out of infinity.
NERF HYDRO BAZOOKA:
The Nerf Hydro Bazooka is a long yellow tube, with a blue and
yellow tube over it, tipped with an orange cup (designed to hold the
Bazooka ammunition). The blue and yellow outer tube is designed to be
pumped Shotgun style. An orange water tank is attached to the opposite
side of the weapon, and a blue brace for three rounds of ammunition is
on the top of the blue and yellow tube. The ammunition for the Nerf
Hydro Bazooka is a relatively solid small Nerf ball, yellow in color.
The Hydro Bazooka is designed to be fired in two different modes --
air based and water based. Firing is accomplished by loading a Nerf
ball in the cup on the end of the Hydro Bazooka, pulling the yellow tube
as far out of the blue and yellow tube as possible, aiming, and yanking
the blue and yellow tube towards yourself while pushing the yellow tube
away. In air mode (i.e. -- no water in the tank) a compressed air
charge forms, blasting the Nerf ball out at its target. In water mode,
the act of cocking the weapon (drawing the two tubes apart) fills the
chamber with water from the water tank, and firing blasts the Nerf ball
out in a spray of compressed air and water.
The Hydro Bazooka has got to be the most impressive sounding weapon
on the market. To approximate the sound of the weapon being fired, one
should take an airtight wooden box to the Painted Desert in the summer
when there is no breeze. In that absolute quiet, take a nail gun and
fire a nail into the box. You'll hear an incredible hollow >>FWACK<<.
This is approximately the noise the Nerf Hydro Bazooka makes in air
mode. It rattles your opponents well and scares small animals, and it
causes a person to make the inspired observation, "that is SO COOL!"
Which, admittedly, it is. It's the best feature of the weapon,
which otherwise is somewhat lackluster. It has a very short range in
air mode, caused by having to blast the ball out of the cup on the end,
rather than having the ball just sail off (as with the Nerf mini-missile
and missile weapons). This lack of range is made worse by the Nerf
ball's poor aerodynamics. It is also not a very accurate weapon, in
that firing the weapon involves moving both of your hands in different
directions. The Nerf ball does not cause any harm to any portion of the
anatomy, as we have come to expect of Nerf.
In water mode, the weapon is more powerful. Winter conditions have
prevented us from making a range test, but the blasts are far stronger
and the Nerf ball's range is improved. The Nerf Ball does not seem to
significantly absorb water, which is good. The specs of the Nerf Hydro
Bazooka claims it can fire three water blasts. This is exaggerated --
it fires one good blast, and one lackluster blast. After that, even
though the tank is still about half full, it barely fires any water at
all. Best to expect this weapon to be a Nerf weapon, instead of a water
weapon. Still, that first water blast is impressive -- putting any
`super' water cannon to shame.
Oddly enough, the cannon is not designed to fire in water mode
without Nerf Ammunition locked in the head of the chamber (Apparently
since the necessary compressed air charge cannot be formed). The weapon
designers have overcome this by including a fourth Nerf Ball with the
weapon -- a ball that is literally tethered to the Hydro Bazooka with an
orange plastic tab. In water mode, this allows the water blast to be
fired without the Nerf (for whatever reason a person might want to do
that). Without the water, however, I'd have to call it an entirely
different mode -- Popgun mode. All the incredible sound effects without
the Nerf ball to find, afterwards. This has to be the m00siest of the
firing modes.
The Hydro Bazooka is inexpensive (ten to twelve dollars) and a lot
of fun. It is not the best weapon for a Nerf War (see the head-to-head
comparison with the Nerf Bow, below), but it adds a lot of intimidation
factor and does give one good water blast that makes it unique.
RATINGS:
Accuracy: **
Usefulness: *** 1/2 -- Though you won't hit much, you'll rattle
your opponents to no end.
M00siness: **** 1/2 -- Not as M00sey as, say, the Nerf
Boomerang, but pretty darn M00sey nonetheless.
HEAD-to-HEAD
The Bow verses the Bazooka
Having secured two weapons of high artillery, the M00se Droppings
Allied Nerf Testing Team (consisting of Guardian M00se, Sabre the
Pr0phetm00se, and ManlyM00se) decided to place the weapons to the test -
would Sabre's Nerf Bow be able to take Manly's Hydro Bazooka in the
most American of problem resolution techniques -- the gunfight at high
noon.
We separated at a distance of fifteen to twenty feet, while
Guardian M00se pelted us randomly with shots fired off from his Missile
Blaster -- at which time Sabre and Manly would pause to hammer him with
high powered shot.
We used International M00se Dueling Convention Rules -- namely,
that any hit anywhere on the body counted, that there was no set time to
start shooting, that shots fired after being hit did not count, that a
double hit (both shots fired before either was hit) was a draw, and that
if one hit his opponent, he would thrust his fist into the air, howl
"VICTORY!!!" at the top of his lungs, and otherwise gloat.
Those rules being set, we immediately dueled for about an hour and
a half. Oddly enough, firing weapons at your best friend with murderous
intent never seems to get dull.
Results:
After long and involved testing, we determined that the Nerf Bow
was the better dueling weapon, by virtue of the fact that Sabre beat
Manly -- despite roughly equal skill -- about four hundred times,
compared to the fifteen to twenty Manly beat Sabre.
I admit I might be exaggerating.
The Nerf Bow's aim problem was not a factor, as in the heat of the
dual no one is aiming so much as using a combination of Zen and prayer,
and the Nerf Bow seems to excel in those conditions. The times the
Hydro Bazooka won almost always were in the first shot, as the Nerf Bow
reloads about twice as fast as the Hydro Bazooka -- which means the
Bowman can get off three shots in the time the Bazookaman can get off
two.
Further, when the dual consists of having one's weapons in one
hand, out of firing position, and having to raise, aim, and fire, the
Nerf Bow is easier to swing up. The Bowman simply raises the bow, grabs
the firing handle, pulls and releases. The Bazookaman, on the other
hand, must swing a heavier weapon up, grab the firing tube, adjust the
weapon, aim, and push and pull the tubes. While Manly got very fast
indeed, the Bow was faster.
Reloading the Hydro Bazooka in the heat of combat consists of
letting go of the yellow tube, popping a ball out of the rack, fitting
the ball in the cup, pulling the tubes apart, aiming, and firing.
Reloading the Nerf Bow in combat consists of letting go of the Firing
handle, grabbing a missile, fitting it, grabbing the handle, and
firing -- which are less steps than the Bazooka, and the steps
themselves go faster.
After fighting a dual, it is polite to gather up the expended shot
of your opponent and throw it back to him. If you lost, you may legally
attempt to hit your opponent with his shot. If you won, hitting your
opponent with his shot is gloating, and therefore also encouraged.
GUIDELINES FOR NERF USE:
Do not shoot Nerf Weapons at your cat. This scares them, as they
have brains the size of walnuts and don't understand the concept of
`harmless weaponry' Instead, shoot it immediately behind your cat,
grazing the cat's butt if possible. This freaks said cat, and then you
can have hours of fun shooting Nerf missiles off and having the cat tear
after it with no regard to their own safety. We're talking enemies for
life, and cats seem to love this, because they are weird.
Do not shoot Nerf Weapons at your dog, unless you enjoy getting
expensive Nerf ammunition back ripped apart, useless, and covered in dog
spit.
Do not shoot Nerf Weapons at your Congressman. They cause no
damage.
Do not shoot Nerf Weapons at expensive crystal. They will not harm
the crystal in the slightest, but they might knock the crystal off their
shelf and that can cause damage.
Shoot Nerf Weapons at everything else.
* * *
BOING BOING
A Most Cyberm00sey Magazine
reviewed by your pal Svedishm00se
This is a strange and fascinating magazine that came to my
attention sometime in 1991, or possibly 1992, I forget. The first issue
I bought, #6, lists a date of "sometime in 1991." It's now up to #11,
and seems to be going strong.
Boing Boing is a magazine more or less dedicated to radicalism,
cyberpunk, drugs, sex, game theory, anarchy, the Internet, mucks, music,
philosophy, paranoia, underground zines, and other fun stuff. What
sets it apart from a lot of other material of the same manner is in what
it doesn't have: kitsch, inflated self-importance, or a boring
insistence that it has something important to say. It's cool without
being elitist, and has an overall feel to it I can only describe as
"m00sey."
Articles in the most recent issue run the gamut: there's "Zip3:
Frankenstein and artificial life," an excerpt from Rudy Rucker's
upcoming nonfiction work on genetic engineering and wetware; "Fake
Funland," a marvelously sarcastic review of the toy fare available at
Toys R' Us (no Nerf was mentioned); "Fetish for S&M," an interview with
the organizer of a theatrical S&M show whose show was recently 'busted'
in a sting operation despite the technicality of not having actually
violated any laws; "Quantum Tantra," an interview with author Nick
Herbert cross-connecting the subjects; "Black Science Navigator," a
parodical look at primarily white alternative culture trying to enlist
African Americans; "The Poor Humans Guide to the Internet," a brief
overview of how to get cheap Internet access; "A Six-Pack of Dystopia,"
reviewing six cheesy post-apocalyptic films, and so on. Recent issues
have delved into chaos software, the application of nanotech to
clothing, building robots, and interviews with Lewis Shiner, Bruce
Sterling, and Terence McKenna.
That's not all it has, of course. There are loads of reviews of
underground zines, music, and videos. It has advertisements from a wide
variety of alternative press sources and products. One of my favorites
is one that appeared in the most recent issue, reviewing a publication
called "Paranoia: the Conspiracy Reader," which takes conspiracy
material from a wide spectrum of conspiracy mongers and packages it up
for easy, convenient consumption. Expect to see it reviewed here
sometime in the future.
Finally, in the most recent issue, several very m00sey games were
suggested by Don Webb. My favorite: the conference call game:
"a) Get conference calling for you phone. b) Set up a conference
call between a telephone sex service, your local PBS pledge line, Pat
Robertson's prayer line, and a lawyer's referral service. c) Record and
broadcast as a radio performance."
RATINGS:
Content: Yes.
Layout: Not quite 'slick,' but clear and professional.
Thumbs: Up.
(BB is available at non-scum-infested comic shops in lots of places,
though not necessarily near you, at $4 per issue. Subscriptions are
available: $14 for 4 quarterly issues, $25 for 8. Write to:
bOING bOING; 544 Second St.; San Francisco, CA 94107 USA, or e-mail
for info: Carla Sinclair, editor in chief, at carla@well.sf.ca.us.)
* * *
RIGHT GUARD SPORTS STICK ("FRESH SCENT") DEODORANT
The Battle Against Odor Rages On With New Minty Blue Flavor
again by Svedishm00se
Most men in this post-modern jungle we call civilization want only
the basic things from their underarm deodorant. They want it to
suppress the fumes from their underarm pits so they can mate with
something that has a nose. It has long been my position that this
dramatically underrates the true possibilities inherent in a quantity of
perspiration annihilating substance.
Consider, for instance, the subject of this review, the Right Guard
Sports Stick Deodorant. My current edition is the "Fresh Scent" model,
though I must admit the question of "a fresh *what*?" has still not been
answered. As near as I can figure, it could be fresh tile scrubber, or
fresh plastic. Licking it has not helped identify what it is supposed
to be a "fresh" version of.
Given it's clear blue look, I've hypothesized that it might be a
solidified version of Peppermint Scope. I have not ingested any of it
yet, so I don't know how true this is, but it certainly looks eerily
similar. There's probably a chemistry doctorate in here somewhere.
It is cool to the skin, and tends to leave a slick residue. It
does not cause tingling sensations when applied to the nipples, which is
unfortunate, though largely predictable. Applying a thin, even coat of
it to the television screen has provided minutes of entertainment,
particularly while 'Family Matters,' was on. The entertainment ended
when it was realized that it did nothing to distort the sound, and that
none of the people inside the TV noticed in any way.
It is completely ineffective as a writing utensil on anything
smaller than a wall. Besides, you can't read the words anyway.
Ingesting large quantities of intoxicants will make this product
seem more important than it is. It also--
<whap!>
Hey!
"Victory!" shouts Sabre.
You've had your review, already! Go away!
<whap!>
"Victory!"
That does it! I've got a Nerf grenade, and I'm not afraid to use
it!
[Insert scene of tremendous carnage, resulting in no damage
whatsoever.]
RATINGS:
Science Value: three stars
Resistance
to Nerf: same as everything else
Deodorizing: um...I forgot to test this.
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| I woke up this morning to find that we have | William R. Dickson |
| outlived the myth of trust. You woke up this | Int'l M00se Illuminati |
| morning to the fact we've lost the things we | wrd@beer.wa.com |
| took for granted between us. |------------------------|
| -- Billy Bragg | Read Superguy! |
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