166 lines
5.8 KiB
Plaintext
166 lines
5.8 KiB
Plaintext
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_____________________________________________________________________________
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---------------------------- I Bleed for This? ------------------------------
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------11.26.94-----------------------------------------------------#032------
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CareDog Meets PeeBear
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Appreciated by Snarfblat
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This is a transcription of a strip in Bob's Favorite Comics No. 1.
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CareDog meets PeeBear
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a SubGenius bedtime story
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by Palmer Vreedeez and Ivan Stang
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Once upon a time!
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Care Dog was strolling along on a nice, bright, happy, sunny Summer's day.
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Sweet-hearted fellow that he was, he enjoyed the beautiful singing of the
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birds and the comforting buzz of the bees.
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He was on the road through Sweet-wood Forest, with Care-A-Lot town far behind
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him when...
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Peebear - "AAAWOOOOO!!"
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Caredog - "?"
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Peebear - "<whine. snarf. chomp.>" "<C-CRUNCH!>"
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CareDog - "Pee Bear! You shouldn't be picking ticks off your fanny and eating
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them!"
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PeeBear - "<SNURK!>" "Go fuck yourself ragged with a big red dick with BIG
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RED STRAPS!"
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"These fucking shit ticks are driving me crazy!"
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CareDog - "B-but Pee Bear! Those ticks are all covered with your poo-poo!
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They could be carrying a terrible disease! why, you might die from eating
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them!
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PeeBear - " Me and everything else in this forest is half dead already, you
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stupid sap! Look around you, Care Dog!"
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"This whole forest is dying, the humans of Realworld Land did it, and there
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isn't a Jesus-fucking thing anybody's gonna do about it. You and all your
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precious fellow Cute-A-Lots, and me, and everything else that lives in this
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forest, we're all going to die."
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"Nothing can stop the living hell on earth that's coming - not all the
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rainbows and hearts and flowers and unicorns, and oh-so-pretty, tickless,
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little, baby-faced, simpering, liberal, goody-two-shoes TV stars like you, in
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the Universe!"
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"These festering mutated ticks on my anus - they're but the barest glimpse of
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the suffering in store for you! Yes, even you, Care Dog!"
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"Your "Loving God" is about to abandon you, and your world - and mine! - to a
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fate unimagined in your most unspeakable nightmares."
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"And for what? For nothing!"
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"So don't give me your sappy, sweetie-pie CRAP, you sickening, pathetic
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eunuch of a cutesy-putesy pile of shit!!!"
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"Now leave me alone and let me deal with this horrible itching in peace! - if
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there is such a thing as peace in this fucked world."
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CareDog - <cries>
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PeeBear - "Oh, I'm sorry Care Dog. Can you forgive me? I've just been in such
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a bad mood lately, what with all these ticks and vermin eating away at my
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poor asshole."
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CareDog - "You.. you really mean it, Pee Bear?"
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PeeBear - "Sure, care Dog. In fact, why don't you come closer? There's a
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present I'd like to give you."
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CareDog - "A present for me?"
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Care Dog didn't notice that his friend had extended his huge, diseased bear
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penis from its furry sheath, its tip glistening with a drop of anticipatory
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"gleet," its base writhing with fleas.
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CareDog - "Say, do you smell something dead, Pee Bear?"
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PeeBear - "We're a long way from Care-A-Lot Town, Care Dog."
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CareDog awoke some time later in great pain...
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CareDog - "Owww. this rain hurts."
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"What PeeBear said was true. It is I who was the liar. My life was a lie."
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"My death will be a blessing."
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The next morning...
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Guy in van - "There's another one. Pull over."
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"Don't worry, boy, everything's going to be alright now."
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"<Christ, what a job.>"
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"It's almost ten; the van's full; What say we head back? I'm buyin'."
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Other guy in van - "Sounds good to me."
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Care Dog and his friends were taken to realworld land...
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and delivered into a vast room filled with metal cages of screaming animals
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as far as little Care Dog could see.
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He was locked in a filthy, cramped cell and, even though he was very hungry
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and sick, ignored for a few days.
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After a week, most of the animals were taken away to a dark chamber and
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asphyxiated slowly with poisonous gas. The humans only laughed all the louder
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as the helpless creatures panicked and died.
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Care Dog alone was spared. He was sent to a laboratory of a giant snackfoods
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firm, where men in white suits vivisected him alive over a period of
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months...
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Various types of pseudo stimulants, fat substitutes and artificial flavors
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were pumped into his veins...
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They tested strange, new chemicals on Care Dog's raw, exposed organs...
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His eyes were burned out with washes of pleasantly scented perfumes...
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As the humans took him slowly apart, piece by piece, he was attached to
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machines that kept him alive...
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Finally, when his
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poor body was
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too broken and
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mutilated to
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continue
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functioning even
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with the
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machines,
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he died...
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Then the humans used a special, brand-new machine which kept his brain alive
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indefinitely, perhaps even forever...
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It was hailed as a tremendous medical breakthrough, but Care Dog didn't know
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he was famous -
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For he could neither hear nor see nor smell nor feel, but could only hurt.
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And they all lived happily ever after.
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==============================================================================
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IBFT: If we hate you, you don't deserve to know why.
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Information:
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bleed@unix.amherst.edu
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ftp.etext.org:/pub/Zines/IBFT The Eleventh Hour (617)696-3146
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==============================================================================
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