informis
/
textfiles
1
0
Fork 0
Code Issues Pull Requests Packages Projects Releases Wiki Activity
textfiles/magazines/HUMUS/humus.001

750 lines
33 KiB
Plaintext
Raw Normal View History

Initial commit
2021-04-15 11:31:59 -07:00
============================================================================
********* *** *** ******
********* *** *** *** *
*** *** *** *** **
*** ********* *******
*** *** *** *** **
*** *** *** *** **
*** he *** *** umus *** ** eport
THE Electronic Fun Zone dedicated to fertilizing Mother Earth
in the finest possible tradition. Serving Mother since the 1950s.
Issue 001, Vol I
January/February 1988
copyright (c) 1988
all rights reserved, and all that other stuff
============================================================================
An Introduction Would Be In Order:
Hello, there, fellow friends of weird. We are very happy to bring
to you the strangest and most absurd that we can find in a format pleasing
to the inquiring mind. We will attempt to bring to you items of focus,
items for the discriminating thought process that some of us have (usually
after we order a Big Mac and fries), items with little social redeeming
value. These are our goals, and we wish you to become a small part in this
orchestration.
If those among you would kindly send in junk that you have no other
use for, stuff that you read and find humorous, filth that no one else will
take, stories absurd or preposterous, news that isn't fit to line
litterboxes anywhere, if you would send those gems to us here at The Humus
Report, we'd appreciate it. Our address will be given to you near the end
of our report. We will cull from the post office box all death threats and
denunciations, and print what we can of whatever is left. The rest is up to
you...
We would appreciate it if: (1) the sending of copyrighted material
for publication was sent ONLY if you also send along a legal release for us
to use that material; (2) if you should see non-attributed copyrighted
material in our stuff, please let us know ASAP so we can take appropriate
actions; (3) if you like what we do here, please donate whatever you feel
appropriate, so that we can continue to bring you this stuff month after
month...
I also have a program called CKP-MSG.ARC which contains virtually
everything you will see here and then some. For a nominal cost per year, I
will provide the latest copy of the ibm/compat program AND the latest
updates of the datafile to you... address inquiries about this program
and/or the datafile to the address near the end of our report...
And now, on with the show... This show is being brought to you by:
caren park
chief bottle washer, owner, publisher, editor, other stuff
============================================================================
"Abandon the search for truth; settle for a good fantasy"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"All you ladies out there. You like to have sex in the morning?
Like to be awake for it? Makes a big difference, huh?"
============================================================================
January and February, in history, seem to have been filled with a
variety of birthdates of people who have provided the world with humus
galore.
January birthdates include Sherlock Holmes and King Camp Gillette,
inventor of the safety razor (05 Jan); the first coming of Elvis Presley,
the staple of grocery store rags, without which they would all probably
become bankrupt within weeks (08 Jan 1935); Muhammed Ali Cassius Clay (17
Jan 1942); Thomas Watson, who Alexander Bell needed at the other end of the
invention, without which "Watson, come here, I need you" would have no
meaning today (18 Jan 1854); and entertainers par excellence in Nathan
Birnbaum (George Burns, 20 Jan 1896), Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (23 Jan 1756),
and Claude William Dukenfield (WC Fields, 29 Jan 1880).
January events include National Trivia Day (04 Jan), National
Nothing Day (16 Jan), Reindeer Day (20 Jan), and National Handwriting Day
(23 Jan).
Remember when: First Class postage was raised from 4 cents to 5
cents (07 Jan 1963), and First Class postage went from 5 cents to 6 cents
(07 Jan 1968)? A candy bar was a nickel, and pinball games were three for a
quarter?
The Battle of New Orleans made a hero out of Andrew Jackson (the War
of 1812 had ended on 24 Dec 1814, but nobody knew that) occurred on 08 Jan
1815. News seems to have travelled slowly in the dark ages... Few outside
of San Francisco will remember Norton I, Emperor of the US, but he died on
08 Jan 1880. Look him up at the local library. He will be worth it... For
all those who've ever listened to an accordian player, you have Anthony Foss
to blame for it. He acquired a patent for the windbag on 13 Jan 1854... 13
Jan 1920 finds a NY Times Editorial saying rockets will never fly...
coincidentally, 13 Jan 1971, Apollo 14 is launched (what was that about
rockets?)... 29 Jan 1904 marks the date when the first athletic letters
were given to Univ of Chicago football team. Contrary to popular belief,
they did not consist mainly of Ds and Fs...
February births include Ronald Wilson Reagan, the president that
makes Dwight David Eisenhower look like a good president (06 Feb 1911) and
John Harvey Kellogg, a physician who inspired the flaked cereal industry (26
Feb 1852)...
Someone thought that the arrival in London of the SS Strathleven
with 1st successful shipment of frozen mutton from Australia on 02 Feb 1880
was worth remembering, so we will, for no reason whatsoever... They also
thought snow fall in San Francisco was noteworthy (05 Feb 1887), so it will
also be included... Washington's Birth Anniversary was the first national
birthdate to be screwed with by the national government, so we never know
when he was born anymore, just that it will always be sometime late in
February... National Bun Day is on the 18th in Iceland...
Oh, yeah. For those of you with these signs of insecurity:
Capricorn : You're not in the mood for small talk today. The
booby-trap you placed in the mailbox, however, might be taking things just a
tad too far...
Aquarius : A sense of duty may be involved in connection with a
trip. Your translation job between the local constabulary and a tourist
will keep the tourist behind bars for years. Misunderstandings seem to run
rampant. You thought you were saying, "he didn't do it"... they thought
you said "he's as guilty as the day is long"...
For what it's worth...
============================================================================
HISTORY 101, or...
"A college degree simply proves that you have been housetrained, and
will not shit on the corporate rug"
"Nearly 87% of the 103 people asked in a poll in 1977 were unable to
identify an unlabeled copy of the Declaration of Independence"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is the text of an article by a former Canadian university
professor who, from papers turned in by his freshman history classes,
excerpted the most compelling examples of original scholarship and spelling.
Typing it for you gives me another chance to giggle over it, but this is
less funny when one realizes the mistakes are from actual college freshmen.
When Life Reeked With Joy
By Anders Henrickson
One of the most hilarious forms of comedy, a favorite with most of
us, is the blooper. And some of the best come from the pens of college
freshmen. Following are some inspired examples:
During the Middle Ages, every body was middle aged. Church and
state were cooperatic. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and
surfs. It is unfortunate that we do not have a medivel European laid out on
a table before us, ready for dissection. After a revival of infantile
commerce slowly creeped into Europe, merchants appeared. Some were sitters
and some were drifters. They roamed from town to town exposing themselves
and organizing big fairies in the countryside. Mideval people were violent.
Murder during this Period was nothing. Everybody killed someone. England
fought numerously for land in France and ended up wining and losing. The
Crusades were a series of military expaditions made by Christians seeking to
free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.
In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of
yeowls arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. The bubonic plague
is a social disease in the sense that it can be transmitted by intercourse
and other etceteras. It was spread from port to port by infected rats.
Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. The plague also
helped the emergance of the English language as the national language of
England, France and Italy.
The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renasence bolted in from
the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals
felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to
the rest of the world thanks to Northern Europe. Man was determined to
civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became
sheik to be educated. Art was on a more associated level. Europe was full
of incredable churches with great art bulging out their doors. Renaissance
merchants were beautiful and almost life-like.
The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented the idea that
tithes were going to Papal France or the Pope, thus enriching Catholic
coiffures. Traditions had become oppressive so they too were crushed in the
wake of man's quest for ressurection above the not-just-social beast he had
become. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door.
Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Calvinism was the
most convenient religion since the days of the ancients. Ana-baptist
services tended to be migratory. The Popes, of course, were usually
Catholic. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit
priest died in the 19th century.
After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the
Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout
northern Europe which would include their posetions in Italy, Burgangy,
central Europe and India thus serrounding France. The German Emporer's
lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.
Louise XIV became King of the Sun. He gave the people food and
artillery. If he didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row
for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation.
In Russia the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the
serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes only to humour Peter the Great. Peter
filled his government with accidental people and built a new capital near
the European boarder. Orthodox priests became government antennae.
The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare wrote a book
called "Candy" that got him into trouble with Frederick the Great.
Philosophers were unknown as yet, and the fundamental stake was one of
religious toleration slightly confused with defeatism. France was in a very
serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French
revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution evolved
through republican and tolarian phases until it catapulted into Napoleon.
Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started
in 1815. Throughout the comparatively radical years 1815-1870 the western
European continent was undergoing a Rampant period of economic modification.
Industrialization was precipitating in England.
Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a city
population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.
Great Brittian, the USA and other European countrys had demicratic
leanings. The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order
could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the
goals of the chartists were universal suferage and anal parliment. Voting
was to be done by ballad.
A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon.
Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north.
Nationalism aided Itally because nationalism is the growth of an army. We
can see that nationalism succeeded for Itally because of France's big army.
Napoleam III-IV mounted the French thrown. One thinks of Napoleon III as a
live extension of the late but great, Napoleon. Here too was the new
Germany: loud, bold, vulgar and full of reality.
Culture fomented from Europe's tip to its top. Richard Strauss, who
was violent but methodical like his wife made him, plunged into vicious and
perverse plays. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion.
Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and people did not
forget his contribution. When he died they labeled his seat "historical."
Other countries had their own artists. France had Chekhov.
World War I broke out around 1912-1914. Germany was on one side of
France and Russia was on the other. At war people get killed, and then they
aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which
was attended by George Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson
arrived with 14 pointers. In 1937 Lenin revolted Russia. Communism raged
among the peasants, and the civil war "team colours" were red and white.
Germany was displaced after WWI. This gave rise to Hitler. Germany
was morbidly overexcited and unbalanced. Berlin became the decadent
capital, where all forms of sexual deprivations were practised. A huge
anti-semantic movement arose. Attractive slogans like "death to all Jews"
were used by government groups. Hitler remilitarized the Rineland over a
squirmish between Germany and France.
The appeasers were blinded by the great red of the Soviets.
Moosealini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee
Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded
everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukuleer explosion was dropped on
Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out in two world wars, and
their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.
According to Fromm, individuation began historically in medieval
times. This was a period of small childhood. There is increasing
experience as adolescence experiences its life development. The last stage
is us
- The Wilson Quarterly, Spring 1983 -
============================================================================
The Twilight Phone...
complete with sounds of the Twilight Zone theme in the background...
A beautiful woman had just stepped out of the shower at a posh hotel
when she heard the phone ring. She quickly dried herself off, and entered
the bedroom stark naked. She immediately spotted a window washer eyeing her
through the glass.
Unable to move, she stood there speechless and nude. Her trance was
broken by the window washer. "For heaven's sake lady. Haven't you ever
seen a window washer before?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know about you, but phone answering machines sometimes scare
me. I keep wondering if they are conspiring behind my back, and that all of
those *beep**click**whirr*s that we hear and >believe< to be someone who
hung up their phone without leaving a message are, perhaps, the machines
communicating among themselves, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce on
us poor, unsuspecting humans...
Be that as it may, and remember that my paranoid fantasies NEVER
come true, numerous people have left us their ideas for what the perfect
answering machine message should be... We decided to share them with you...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*ring*
"Hello. This is DWB. If you are a friend, at the tone, leave your
name and number. If you're calling about my ad, leave your dimensions and
sexual preferences"
*beep*
- David Bonn -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The scene: Monday evening in a small apartment. See the man
crashed on the couch. The phone rings. The man swears, and wakes up. His
thoughts start rolling, he answers:
"Islamic Jihad."
"I must have the wrong number."
*click*
- David Bonn 03 Mar 86 -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some of the following come from a book called "NO HANG-UPS", by John
Carfi and Cliff Carle. Only $1.95, with about two hundred such messages...
Phone message for those who fear the machine will let baddies know
they are not home:
"Hello. I'm busy cleaning my guns and feeding the dobermans. Leave
your name and I'll call you back"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*ring*
"Good afternoon... Lovelines. Today's topic is "Bestiality -- or
how to approach a horse and ask for a 'stable relationship'. You're on the
air..."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*ring*
"Hello. All lines are busy right now, but if you'll wait on the
line, your call will be answered in order received"
<5 second pause>
"Several operators have logged out. Please stay on the line, and
your call will be answered by one of the remaining operators"
<5 second pause>
"I'm sorry: All of the operators have left the office. Please
leave a message at the tone, and your call might be returned"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*ring*
"Hello. You've reached 'Dial & Moan.' At the tone, leave your
name, number and your problems... Fortunately for me, you only have 20
seconds"
*beep*
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*ring*
"Hi. John here. I can't come to the phone. I'm having a terrific
sexual experience and it's absolutely fantastic! I can't even imagine what
it's going to be like when my girlfriend gets here!"
*beep*
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*ring*
"Hi...um...well, this is our new answering machine. We just got
this. Yesterday. Uh, I'm not real sure how this works, but if you leave
your name and..."
*beep*
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*ring*
"Notice: the 110 volt current that runs this machine is wired to an
adorable little kitten. Hanging up without leaving a message will complete
the circuit and >fry the kitty<! It's your decision..."
(In background, there's the sound of a cat meowing)
*beep*
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*ring*
"Okay, so you're at the phone booth, and just on time too! Now, to
make sure you're not being followed, I want you to go to Al's Small Shop at
4th and Pine. You have 4 minutes or we'll start amputating. Go!"
*click*
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*ring*
(Rod Serling imitation)
"You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where
sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead
-- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached 'The
Twilight Phone'"
*beep*
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"This phone call is NOT for you. You may have the wrong party in
mind, or perhaps you have answered incorrectly. Had this phone call been
for you, you would have been correct in answering it, but because it isn't,
you aren't. PLEASE! In the future, make sure that the phone call is for
you before you answer it. Your consideration in this is appreciated. Thank
you"
*click*
- caren park, calling >out< at 3am one night, a long time ago... -
============================================================================
A man arrives in Boston at the airport, and gets into a cab for a
ride to his hotel. He asks the driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod
around here?"
The driver replies, "I must of heard that question a thousand times,
but this is the first in the pluperfect subjunctive"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Limerick
(n) a kind of humorous verse of five lines, in which
lots of lines rhyme with lots of other lines
and contain remarks of little social redeeming value
...and on that note, we plunge headlong into one of the heartiest,
filthiest, dingiest forms of english verse there is: the Limerick. Of
course, >I< would never be caught dead singing these little ditties, but I'm
sure that most of >you< would still like to hear a few faves...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
It was not the size
That cause such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm --- iambic pentameter
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen",
And Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
and finally, two from the Limerick Hall of Shame...
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last
line that I can
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This limerick is SO dirty it would probably offend you. So I'll put
"di-dah" for the filthy words:
Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
di-dah di-dah di-dah?
Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck
============================================================================
And now, for the news... with the exception of "Preacher's Ass",
which has become a classic in news reporting, the rest of the news will be
true, just as it came off the wire into our editing room. None of the facts
have been changed to protect the innocent, or anyone else for that matter...
Behold...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher who wanted to raise money for his Church was told that
there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, so he decided to buy a horse
and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going prices
for horses were so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured, however, that since he had it, he might as well go ahead
and enter the donkey in the races. To his surprise, in the first race, his
mule came in second. The next day, the Racing Sheets carried this banner
headline:
PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS
The Preacher was so pleased with himself that he entered the mule in
another race. This time it won, and the papers stated:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The new headlines
read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered to get rid of the
animal. The Preacher gave it to a Nun in a new nearby convent. The next
headlines read:
NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He told the Nun to dispose of the donkey and
she finally found a farmer who whould take it off her hands for $10.00. The
next newspaper headline read thus:
NUN PEDDLES HER ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
They buried that Bishop the next day
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray Valine has concluded that he can't make a living by having
advertising messages painted onto his shaved head. So the 31-year-old
former trash collector is headed back to California. "I'm definitely going
to have to go home and do some manual-type labor."
He headed west after a three-day market test in Baton Rouge showed
him merchants are not willing to shell out $300 - $500 per day for a human
billboard. "I had success in California, but I guess that others don't
appreciate somebody using their head." Valine came to Louisiana for the
Super Bowl, and was employed by a firm promoting a Super Bowl eve variety
show
- January 1978 Baton Rouge AP -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Insurance salesman I J Parkinson is disappointed that the nuclear-
powered Soviet satellite that disintegrated over Canada missed this
northeast town. It is the site of the world's first flying saucer landing
pad built as a centennial project in 1967.
"Hell, they missed the pad by a good 430 miles," quipped Parkinson.
He suggested that the next time the Soviets need the pad, they give St Paul
48 hours advance evacuation notice
- January 1978 St Paul Alberta AP -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Death and taxes may be two great inevitabilities, but they are
usually thought to be mutually exclusive. Kenneth Swenka, 48, a farmer in
North Liberty, Iowa, found otherwise after the death of his three-year-old
German shepherd, Lobo. When Swenka went to pay his county property taxes,
he learned that they intended to include a $1 levy on Lobo. Swenka told the
authorities that the dog was dead, but was informed that since the tax had
already been officially registered, he would have to pay. He reluctantly
agreed. Then he found out that by Iowa law, the dog's tax could not be paid
until the animal's license had been renewed, and it could not be renewed
until Lobo had been revaccinated against rabies. Swenka offered to exhume
his pet, but the county auditor finally agreed to waive the rules --- and
accept the $1 in tax. Observes Swenka: "Lobo never gave me any trouble
until he died"
- 27 February 1978 Time Americana -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Terry the tarantula has been banished from the bar because the
customers didn't like its eating habits. Customers, watching the four-inch
Mexican spider munch on locusts and cockroaches, seemed to lose their thirst
for beer
- 21 January 1981 Bangor Wales -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Tuesday morning, when Nancy Reagan stood beside her newly-
inaugurated husband, television viewers around the globe were, by then,
familiar with her. But that's to be expected. She is the First Lady, and
the whole world evidently feels the undying need to know all about her
comings, goings and shopping preferences.
Just in case the past month's overdose of insight into the life of
Adolfo's favorite mannequin has not been sufficient, here's a little
something extra to start the Reagan presidency out right.
Nancy Reagan uses Poof-Poof rollers.
Don't ask me what Poof-Poof rollers are. I haven't the foggiest.
Earlier this week, via registered mail, an envelope marked CONFIDENTIAL
arrived on my desk. The contents of this Krazy-Glue-sealed document said:
"For Immediate Release: It was revealed yesterday in Washington,
DC, that the First Lady of the United States of America is presently curling
her auburn-colored hair with Poof-Poof rollers. Reportedly, she has been
using Poof-Poofs for many years with repeated success. Mrs Reagan commented
that although now she is able to afford any brand roller she wishes, she
plans to remain loyal to Poof-Poof for the next four years ... Sincerely,
William J Silverman, President of Poof-Poof."
Next week - the blueprint of precisely where Nancy places her Poof-
Poofs
- Beth Trier 25 January 1981 SF Chronicle -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Disco music makes mice homosexual, and could trigger the same
reaction in humans, a study at the Aegean University says. Researchers at
the Izmir-based university "discovered that high-level noise --- such as
that frequently found in discos --- causes homosexuality in mice and
deafness among pigs," the Milliyet newspaper said yesterday
- 13 February 1981 Ankara UPI -
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Cabbage Patch Doll is one of America's hottest-selling toys.
But recently, says Connecticut exorcist Ed Warren, the toy has been targeted
by the devil.
According to Warren, one doll told its owner, "You and I are going
to be together forever. I'm not just a doll --- I'm the Lord of Hell."
When Warren arrived on the scene, the doll was supposedly levitating eight
inches in the air. "I quickly made the sign of the cross," he says, "and
held out my crucifix, and the doll flopped into its crib. Then I buried the
doll and sprinkled holy water from a church onto the grave. There hasn't
been any trouble since."
Another Cabbage Patch Doll tried to strangle its owner, Warren says,
and yet another induced nightmarish hallucinations. In both cases, he adds,
he performed exorcism and burial.
"These diabolical infestations occur when childless women buy the
dolls and treat them like the child they never had. Some cherish the doll
as a loved one and buy it a wardrobe and jewelry; one woman even had a
complete nursery for the doll. But the devil perceives such behaviour as a
sign of human weakness and is just waiting to take advantage of the
situation"
- February 1985 Omni, Eric Mishara -
============================================================================
And, last but not least, a few words of wisdom. It's true that man
does not live by bread alone, and we've pretty much proved that axiom with
this first edition. To quote someone much smarter than I, "I am non-
denominational --- I accept all forms of currency. So, open your hearts and
empty your pockets!" A wonderful sentiment, don't you think?
If you should find it in your hearts to like what we are doing here,
and would like to help us stay in business AND solvent, please send your
non-tax-deductible donations in whatever amount pleases you to:
caren park
2557 - 14th avenue west
suite 501
seattle, washington 98119
(01 January 1992)
We will acknowledge, in print, those with the warmest thoughts for
our survival...
Our next issue will be out near the end of the third week in
February, and we'll cover the National Purity Test, A Letter From Tipper
Gore to the Recording Industry, and several other items of merit...
We leave you know with two thoughts, one serious, and the other even
more serious...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Never remove a fly from your friend's forehead with an axe"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a while
You learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and
chaining a soul,
And you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean
security,
And you begin
to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't
promises,
And you begin
to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child,
And you learn
to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans.
After a while
you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
that you really are strong,
and you really do have worth
...until next month...