textfiles/magazines/HOE/hoe-1091.txt

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     $$     .d""b. .d""b.                  HOE E'ZINE #1091
 [-- $$""b. $$  $$ $$  $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$ss$$              "Male Nature: A Rebuttal"
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$                 *or* "Effy, Go Out With Me"
     $$  $$ $$  $$ $$  $$                 by Quarex [06/14/00]
 [-- $$  $$ $$  $$ $$  $$ -- ------------------------------------------- --]
     $$  $$ "TssT" "TssT"

        HOE #1088, Effy's release "The Nature of the Male", is an article
 which was clearly written with a good deal of thought, preparation, and
 emotion.  No, that is not sarcasm, the sarcasm comes in the actual
 rebuttal.  This is just the exposition.  Look, can I fucking finish?
 Thanks.

        Anyway, Effy's article is well and good in and of itself.  The
 problem, of course, is its almost universally cliched nature.  Every woman
 on the planet has already written a text file about how annoying it is when
 guys do not put the toilet seat down.  Granted, my text files are not any
 less cliche.  Every guy will at some point complain about women, even if
 their success with women is every bit as complete and total as my failure
 with women.  Men and women enjoy complaining.  They enjoy it far too much,
 in fact.  So much, that all men, women, and children on the planet have
 already written five megs of angst text files by the time they reach
 adolescence.

        But, popular culture is the deciding factor between acceptable and
 unacceptable cliches.  This is not to say Effy's article is entirely
 unacceptable.  In fact, how about I just go fucking analyze it already.

        "There is no altering mother nature's decision to make you all cunt
 grubbing pig slime." - Effy, Paragraph #3, "The Nature of the Male"

        Now, I certainly cannot argue this point.  I have a "Cunt Grubbing
 Pig Slime Life" tattoo arched across my stomach.  However, I can certainly
 argue the individual points that created my unfortunate cunt-grubbing
 nature.

 "#10 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:
  --LEAVING THE TOILET SEAT UP."

        Okay.  Now, remember earlier when I talked about cliches, pop
 culture, and all that?  This is the first good example.  There have been an
 ungodly number of references in pop culture to men leaving the toilet seat
 up.  Yes, it happens.  Yes, as far as I can tell, most men do this.  No, I
 cannot tell you why, either.  However, I can certainly tell you that not
 all women put the goddamn seat down, either.  In fact, in my parents'
 house, we always put not just one seat, but BOTH seats down, due to my
 cat's propensity to jumping into the toilet and then running around the
 house, getting toilet water everywhere.  Thus, not only do I put both seats
 down on the toilet every time, but I have more than once had to reprimand
 a girl who left the top toilet seat up, eventually causing my cat to DO IT
 AGAIN.  Man, why can women not learn to put the fucking toilet seat down?

        I think I should also keep track during this text file of how much
 better I apparently am than "everyman," through whether or not any of the
 top 10 worst male attributes apply to me.

 BAD MALES: 1
 QUAREX: 0

 "#9 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:
  --GRABBING YOURSELF."

        No, I am not afraid my dick and balls are going to fall off if I do
 not check to see if they are there.  In fact, not only do I not grab myself
 in public, but I only do it at all if I am in some variety of pain as a
 result of accidental misplacement.  I have always found it unnecessarily
 revolting when men grabbed themselves in public, and never understood how
 the male ideal was sitting in a recliner (which, I might add, I also
 dislike), wearing a wifebeater (oh fucking boy), watching T.V. (Fuck T.V.)
 and grabbing himself.  That pretty much encapsulates everything I hate
 right there.  Again, I guess a lot of guys do it.  But as with every text
 file I write, this is all about me, and I sure as fuck do not.

 BAD MALES: 2
 QUAREX: 0

 "#8 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:
  --THE BLONDE BABE OBSESSION."

        The very first problem with this Worst Attribute is the title.  "Why
 are chicks with yellow hair and brown skin attractive?  I think they look
 like a fecal accident."  Then why call them blonde babes?  Quite frankly,
 I agree with you 100%.  Unsurprisingly.  My friends and I have alternating
 names for the ultra-tanned blonde girls we see.  Among my favorites are
 "Cheese Beast" and "Butter Monster," though I think we use "Butter Monster"
 to describe just about anything that sucks.  Even if it were not an easily
 verifiable fact that blondes with cheese-textured tanned skin are extremely
 aloof, there is still the fact that, well, they are also not attractive.  I
 am so glad that I actually consider myself too good for women like that.
 Quite frankly, I have always been really into pale women, though I
 certainly also really like, you know, NATURAL SKIN COLORS.  Not ORANGE.
 Everyone knows the most attractive women are brunettes and redheads,
 anyway.  Even if I myself am blond and should therefore theoretically find
 blonde women more attractive, this has not proven accurate at all.

 BAD MALES: 3
 QUAREX: 0

 "#7 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:
  --THE LESBIAN FETISH."

        The most important thing to clear up here, right off the bat, is the
 reason behind men finding lesbians getting it on attractive and women
 finding gay men getting it on unattractive.  WOMEN ARE ATTRACTIVE, MEN
 ARE UNATTRACTIVE.  It is pretty hard to find someone who disagrees with
 this statement.  The only people I know who find men truly attractive in
 the way women are happen to be either women who REALLY REALLY REALLY like
 sex or gay men.  Most everyone can easily agree that women are the more
 attractive sex.  Therefore, it stands to reason quite easily that lesbian
 pornography is appealing, and gay pornography is not.  This is a case that
 I might even defend the BAD MALE, because I do not know any guys who find
 hot lesbian action more arousing than hot non-lesbian action.  Yes, I am
 always entertained when I see two women kissing.  Yes, I shy away from men
 kissing.  That does not give me a lesbian fetish, it gives me a lesbian
 appreciation, and one which I believe is wholly understandable considering
 the construction of the two sexes.  I will, however, still give BAD MALES
 a BAD POINT for this category, just for comparison.

 BAD MALES: 4
 QUAREX: 0

 "#6 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:
  --THE INTERNET PORN ADDICTION."

        God damn, is this one ever hard to defend.  It is so hard to find
 anything wrong with wanting to see pictures of naked women on the internet,
 when they are in such abundance.  It is no different than having a
 pornographic bookstore down the street from you that did not charge a
 browsing fee and has private booths everywhere.  There is just no sensible
 male reason _NOT_ to look at internet porn.  However, I can certainly say
 I have never masturbated while looking at a picture of Madonna taking on
 an entire baseball team, Janet Reno giving a dog head, Bill and Monica
 having a smokin' time, or Young Barely Legal Teenage Lesbian Sluts Caught
 On Video, thus I declare myself free.  And, furthermore, you give men
 absolutely no credit for anything.  "If any of your keys stick boys, we
 know why."  Maybe I am the only one, but my computer is a goddamn shrine.
 I would never in my worst nightmares dream of masturbating near enough to
 my computer to risk possible ricochet or direct-hit semen damage.

 BAD MALES: 5
 QUAREX: 0

 "#5 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:
  --THE MALE POTHEAD."

        This, of course, is the most interesting one so far.  Pardon me if
 I am making liberal assumptions, but it sounds like you slept with the guy
 you are referencing.  This is the ideal opportunity to insert my own
 standard fare pro-male (well, really, pro-me, not pro-male at all, in
 fact, quite anti-male) rhetoric.  What, may I ask, were you doing dating
 someone in the first place who not only grew his own pot, but smoked it
 constantly, and then could not even get it up for an hour after fore play
 began?  What, did you find him INTERESTING?  No, you sure as fuck do not
 find someone like that interesting.  You find them pitiable, if even that.
 Did you find him ATTRACTIVE?  Probably not, if the people I know who
 smoke pot that frequently are any good indication.  Did you find him
 WORTHWHILE?  No, you freely admit that in the description.  So, as much
 as I can tell, you fucked this guy because you had nothing better to do.
 And this simple behavior is one of the biggest problems I see, day in and
 day out.  Girls date guys because they feel like they should be dating
 somebody, and the more disposable, the better.  No women is ready to make
 a commitment to someone who has easily definable value, including, but
 of course not limited to, being interesting, worthwhile, and likable.
 You know, people like me.

        But enough about me.  Well, there can never be enough about me.  But
 about something else, anyway--even beyond anything else, this point makes
 me laugh simply because you yourself talk about how much you love smoking
 pot.  Granted, women do not work like men, so I am sure your own
 shirt-removal time during fore play is unaffected.  However, I still
 cannot support the idea that you hate them so.  It seems to me this is
 like me having a vendetta against women who drink too much milk.  I mean,
 sure, I love milk, but why do you have to drink it SO OFTEN?  It, uh,
 causes . . . blindness. . . and don't. . let the bitches be . . blind.  .

 BAD MALES: 6
 QUAREX: 0

 "#4 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:
  --MEN ON IRC."

        Well, it sure seems like I am not going to be able to defend myself
 against this one.  However, thankfully, her actual description of the men
 on IRC is easy to defend, as difficult as the idea of "Men on IRC" is not.
 It is true, most men who use irc a lot pretty much act like assholes as a
 rule.  And, indeed, a great deal of them are 135 pound weaklings with puny
 dicks, or at least certainly no taller than 5'6".  And they do just talk
 big to make their own real lives seem more useful as a result, as since
 they cannot defend themselves against bullying in real life, they lash
 out with bullying of their own online.

        I, however, am 6'4", 245 pounds, and inadvertently hurt people when
 I shake their hands.  I do not need to be an asshole on IRC to make myself
 feel good in real life, and pretend I can defend myself.  I am the
 equivalent of an IRCOP in real life, since people actually do flock to me
 for defense whenever we are in an even remotely dangerous area, and rely
 on me to /kill people should the need ever arise.  It pretty much never
 does, but at least you have the option.

 BAD MALES: 7
 QUAREX: 0

 "#3 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:
  --UNRELIABILITY."

        I do not even feel like I should defend myself, or men, on this
 point. Men are always striving towards the ultimate goal of having sex with
 every woman they see, and as such, we are completely reliable in that
 aspect.  Women, however, are actually fully unreliable, so far as I can
 tell.  If I examine most any relationship I have ever had with a woman, or
 most of my friends have had, the overlying theme is the unreliability of
 the woman.  No matter how many times it has been painfully obvious that
 some girl was showing clear interest in me, her reliability is quickly
 reduced to nothingness when she will not even go out on a date with me.
 Well, granted, that has little to do with reliability at all, and was just
 an excuse for me to say "Wahh wahh, I am a little baby, wahh wahh."  The
 point is, though, that I think at the very least, men and women are equally
 unreliable, and at the same time as a man does not call when he says he
 will, women are not always around when you make dates with them, either.
 "Oh, I was busy." "Oh, I forgot."  The excuses are the same for either
 sex--"I have something better to do than make out with you."

        And, of course, this is saying nothing of the fact that, since I
 have never drank, smoked, or done drugs in my life, and never will, that I
 am apparently completely reliable.

 BAD MALES: 8
 QUAREX: 0

 "#2 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:
  --SIZEMATIC SUPERIORITY."

        "Please, put that elongated blue tank inside me and rip my insides
 to shreds.  Please let me choke on your big German bratwurst; I just can't
 help myself."  Calm down, Effy.  There will be plenty of THROBBING WANG
 to share on Judgment day.  In the mean time, . . .

        Let me start this paragraph again.

        I am ALMOST guilty as charged under this rule.  I have found myself
 talking about the size of my penis more than once, and not always in a
 sarcastic "I have the world's smallest penis" tone.  Yes, I have talked
 openly about the size of my penis.  However, I can virtually guarantee
 you that in every circumstance someone else brought the topic up.  Just
 as, I imagine, if someone were speculating on the size of your breasts,
 or perhaps insisting you were a 42A, you would feel inclined to join the
 conversation, so is it with a man and his penis.  Well, a good man,
 anyway.  Also, I do find it rather embarrassing that any man would think a
 woman would care enough about his penis size to actively care at all or
 want to see it.  The woman may be vaguely impressed, but that is the best
 that we can possibly hope to achieve.  And that is assuming you are not
 lying, something I assume most men are doing, especially in this aspect,
 every waking moment of their lives.

 BAD MALES: 9
 QUAREX: 0

 "#1 Worst Male Attribute of All Time:
 --CONQUESTS."

        AHahhahhahahahaha. . . HAahaHAHAHA

        Well, rather obviously, I scarcely have to even defend myself
 against this accusation.  There is only so much that a virgin can say to
 brag about his sexual experience, after all.  "Hey, dude, check it out.
 Last night. . . dude, this was SO COOL.  Last night, I fuckin' hugged
 Melissa for _FIVE MINUTES._  HAHAHA!  God damn, that ruled."  Most men, of
 course, yes, do indeed talk about their conquests.  Well, at least, I
 assume they do.  No, I know they do.  It is just that I surround myself
 with so many men that care more about their computers than they do women
 that it is really hard to remember how shitty most guys are sometimes.
 Especially when conquests for me are statements like "Dude!  This is the
 third summer apartment I have had in a row where NOBODY DRINKS OR
 SMOKES!  WOOO!  WE FUCKING RULE!"

        I have to say, though, that I DO wish my penis were shaped like a
 cross, and that three godly bitches could suck it at once.

 BAD MALES: 10
 QUAREX: 0

        There you have it.  No guys are worth dating, except for me, and I
 will be unsurprised when my door is broken down later today with women
 begging to be my new girlfriend.

        Women, men, cats, dogs, Yemen, Latvia.  Things will always be
 diametrically opposed, even if there is no goddamn reason for the
 opposition.  Whatever force causes men to treat women like shit and women
 to crush men's fragile egos is the same force that made Effy go off on
 men, and forced me to write a rebuttal.  And that same force also hopefully
 made you elated or enraged while reading this file.

        In conclusion, Effy, god, I want you.

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 [ (c) HOE E'ZINE -- http://www.hoe.nu      HOE #1091, BY QUAREX - 6/14/00 ]