textfiles/magazines/HOE/hoe-0720.txt

 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
   ooooo   ooooo  .oooooo.  oooooooooooo       HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #720
   `888'   `888' d8P'  `Y8b `888'     `8
    888     888 888      888 888              "The Final Class Project"
    888ooooo888 888      888 888oooo8
    888     888 888      888 888    "                by Oregano
    888     888 `88b    d88' 888       o               7/1/99
   o888o   o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8
 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------]

        Mrs Swann, the teacher, pressed STOP on the VCR and then REWIND and
 the machine whirred.

        "What did we learn today about suicide?" she asked, looking around
 for raised hands.  She called on Tommy whose hand, as usual, was up first.

        "Suicide is not always bad," the fourth grader replied.

        "Good," said Mrs Swann, "and can anyone tell me why?"

        Jennifer raised her hand and when called answered, "Sometimes people
 are a burden to their family or society.  Some have run out of usefulness
 and some just are so sad that they are better off dead."

        Joey raised his hand and made urgent grunts.  Mrs. Swann called on
 him next.

        "Someday I'm going to kill myself!  It will be the best suicide
 ever!" he said.

        Mrs. Swann said, "That is wonderful Joey, you really got a lot out of
 that video.  Is there anyone else here who wants to kill themselves?"  A
 bunch of hands shot up quickly.  "This is great, you all have the right
 spirit."

        Dorothy timidly raised her hand, unsure of herself.

        "Yes, Dorothy?" Mrs. Swann asked.

        Dorothy sheepishly said, "Is it okay if I kill myself here at school,
 in class?

        "What a good idea," Mrs Swann replied, "and since so many of you are
 interested we can all come up with our favorite form of suicide and do it in
 the classroom.  Maybe I can talk Principal Lyman into judging whose is the
 best."

        A due date of the next week was set and class was dismissed with the
 ringing of the school bell.

[-----]

        When Mrs. Swann entered her fourth grade classroom a week later all
 the students sat anxiously at their desks.  This was usual on days when they
 had to make presentations.

        The bell rang and Mrs. Swann began to speak, "Principal Lyman wil be
 here in 30 minutes to judge the presentations so lets all break up into our
 individual stations and get ready.

        "Mr. Cutar, the custodian, was nice enough to provide a ladder tall
 enough so you can reach the water pipes near the ceiling for those of you
 hanging yourselves.  Yes, I see Suzie brought some climbing rope, well I
 won't ruin your surprise dear."  And Mrs. Swann winked at Suzie.  

        A few minutes later all the students seemed set in their stations and
 Mrs. Swann asked, "Who would like to go first?"  Tommy, as could be
 expected, was the first to raise his hand.

        Tommy took a chair and moved it near the wall where he had taped a
 large sheet of paper with a big circle crudely drawn on it.

        Tommy said, "This outline is the size of the blood stain which was
 made when Kurt Cobain ate his shotgun.  With a little bit of luck, I think I
 can make one even bigger."

        Tommy took out a piece of folded paper and pinned it to his shirt.
 "I can't forget my suicide note," he said.  He took off his shoes and socks
 and then picked up a Hausman 328 shotgun and checked that it was loaded
 properly and flicked off the safety and put the barrel in his mouth.  Then
 he turned his head to make sure he was aligned with the paper on the wall,
 then turned back to the shotgun and fumbled for the trigger with his right
 foot's big toe.  

        Nobody heard the blast.  The noise was so loud that it created an
 instant deafness followed by a loud ringing in everyone's ears.  In that
 same instant, too fast for anyone to comprehend, the wall was covered in
 blood and brains.  But Tommy had not been well aligned and the blood
 splatter was to the side of the target paper.  Plus it was much smaller
 than Kurt's.

        Mrs. Swann said, "That was very nice, Tommy.  Ahh, I see Dorothy is
 ready to go.  Go on ahead."

        Dorothy then showed the 20 capsules of Xanax that she had in a
 plastic bag, along with a pint of vodka.

        "This will take a while to work, so I want to start early," she said,
 "first I take an overdose of Xanax."  With this she popped the bright yellow
 pills into her mouth and rinsed them down with vodka.  "Then I drink alcohol
 till I am legally intoxicated."  She chugged the vodka, finishing off the
 pint.  "And finally I lay down on the floor with a plastic bag over my head.
 I'll hold the bag open while I am still awake.  When I finally fall asleep
 I'll automatically let the bag fall shut and suffocate me."  She laid down
 and held the bag open tentatively.

        Mrs Swann said, "That is very nice Dorothy, we'll come back to you
 later after the pills and alcohol have taken their effect.

        Then followed all sorts of suicides, not all original.  Susie and
 others hanged themselves from the hot water pipe.  Several children shot
 themselves with handguns.  Most of those shot themselves in the head, but
 one intrepid student shot himself in the heart and nararrated his own dying
 process.  Knives to the abdomen, in a faux Hari Kari style.  Plus a few drug
 overdoses, including Jeffery, a lifelong diabetic who mainlined a lethal
 dose of heroin which he bought the day before in the school yard.  "I hope
 this stuff is real," were his last words.

        And the finale was Joey.  Joey shaped a giant doughnut out of Semtec
 plastic explosive which he put on his head like a crown.  When he pushed the
 ignition switch his entire head imploded with the shaped charge.  An
 unfortunate side effect was that a fragment of his skull flew out and
 pierced Mrs. Swan just above her right eye.  It was not lethal but she went
 into uncontrollable spasms and would forever be in a vegetative state.  

        Right on time, Principal Lyman came into the classroom.  He
 recognized the earnestness of the children and a big grin appeared on his
 face.  After looking around a bit he said to the lifeless bodies, "I am so
 proud of all of you, each of you has done a wonderful and fully lethal job,
 and you all deserve to win.  It will be with great difficulty to choose just
 one child as the champ." 

        He stepped over Dorothy, who had taken all the Xanax but still
 occasionally twitched.

        "I'll have to nit-pick to get a winner, the race is so close.
 Dorothy here is a little sloppy, her dose of Xanax was not large enough for
 a quick death.  And look here at those who hanged themselves.  None of you
 dropped far enough to snap your necks like a good hangman and you suffered
 needlessly with your air supply cut off.  Tsk tsk."

        He walked over to the gunshot victims.  He said, "Johnny, where is
 your suicide note?  It should be obviously visible.  And Billy, I can hardly
 read this note, how will your family know your last wishes?"

        Finally after critiquing the entire room, he walked to the head of
 the class, his shoes squeaking from blood, and announced, "I have chosen a
 winner."  He looked around at the silent bodies.  "Brett is our champion.
 He swallowed 14 live and poisonous baby rattle snakes which ate him from the
 inside.  Very creative, Brett."   He took the ribbon off of Mrs. Swan's desk
 and bent over to pin it on Brett, but some of the snakes were still around
 the body, and he just dropped it on Brett's chest.

        Principal Lyman then walked out of the room and called for Mr. Cutar,
 the custodian, to come in and clean up the mess.

 [--------------------------------------------------------------------------]
 [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS!    HOE #720 - WRITTEN BY: OREGANO - 7/1/99 ]