textfiles/magazines/HOE/hoe-0690.txt

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   ooooo   ooooo  .oooooo.  oooooooooooo       HOE E'ZINE RELEASE #690
   `888'   `888' d8P'  `Y8b `888'     `8       "Superhero Origins," or
    888     888 888      888 888                "What's in a Name," or  
    888ooooo888 888      888 888oooo8       "How the Sea Cucumber Learn't 
    888     888 888      888 888    "            to Spit Out its Guts"       
    888     888 `88b    d88' 888       o           by Uberfizzgig
   o888o   o888o `Y8bood8P' o888ooooood8               6/14/99
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        Behind every superhero, lies a past steeped in psychological trauma
 or alien activity.  So too with our esteemed hoe writers.  In part one of
 this docu-drama, I will delve into the twisted secrets of the hoe staff and
 uncover their origins, powers and secret identities.  Accompanying each
 segment are the opinions of other writers when available.  In part two, I
 try to find a date for Mogel.



 //-->begin PartOne;


 segment#1
 =========

        Phairgirl was asked "Why are you called 'phairgirl' and what's the
 significance of that name?" Her response is wrought with the esoteric
 language characteristic of those raised on an alien world. 

 >i was christened "phairgirl" in the fall of '95 
 >because i was learning this newfangled IRC thingy 
 >and was trying to think of a handle to use on the 
 >fly.  it was the password on My Magic Diary (everyone 
 >should have fun, they're way more fun than more 
 >"professional" electronic organizers) and i was 
 >obsessed with liz phair at the time, and thus the 
 >name was born.
 >
 >i then changed my password to "strange loop," a liz 
 >phair song, which is what it still is to this day.
 >
 >and i kept the name simply because i still love liz 
 >phair.  i've used other names on occasions, briefly, 
 >when i just didn't feel like living up to the 
 >phairgirl name.  i think the only reason why i haven't 
 >changed it, even though i feel i've kind of outgrown 
 >the whole "girl" thing, is because i don't want to 
 >have to relocate my website or change my e-mail 
 >addresses... everyone i've ever met can find me by 
 >e-mailing phairgirl@ ANYTHING except AOL.  pretty close 
 >to it, anyway.
 >
 >that's probably more than you wanted to know.
 >
 >--summer


        To either confirm or deny this bizarre tale of horror, isaac was
 asked "Why is phairgirl called 'phairgirl' and what's the significance of
 that name?"

        His response: "She is retoded."


 segment#2
 =========

        Mogel was asked "Why are you called 'Mogel' and what's the
 significance of that name?"  The answer he gives is warm and fuzzy, an
 indication of the incestuous upbringing he endured after his father, the
 King of Denmark, was poisoned by Mogel's uncle who then marries his mother
 and assumes the throne.  Mogel has been transformed both inwards and out
 ever since.
  
 >Mogel is a silly nickname that was attached to me before
 >I became a modem geek.  When I was first born, my sister,
 >being a wee lil' one year old, couldn't speak so well.  
 >She tried to say my name, "Michael", but it came out as 
 >"Mogel".  That's how my family spelled it and the name 
 >just stuck.  When faced with a prompt in '91, having to 
 >choose a handle, it was the most obvious thing to pick.
 
        UPDATE: After writing this message, Mogel had two of his old school
 friends executed by the English.


 segment#3
 =========

        Trilobyte was asked "Why are you called 'trilobyte' and what's the
 significance of that name?" His response is a textbook reply to what
 linguistic anthropologists and evolutionary biologists predicted that of a
 real trilobite would be: Polite, simple, off-topic, and utterly unaware of
 its genetic selection for extinction.

 >I'm in Tulsa Oklahoma for the moment but I'll be sure 
 >to get back to you when I get back to town.  Shouldn't 
 >be too long.

        A sad story indeed.

        In addition, Caitlin offers us an aesthetic interpretation:

 >he's kinda got a fossil-like face, maybe?

        True.  As do all extinct species.


 segment#4
 =========

        AnonGirl was asked "Why are you called 'AnonGirl' and what's the
 significance of that name?"  Her response suggests she likes dogs and still
 has her wisdom teeth.

 >I'm called "AnonGirl" because I sadly chose it as my 
 >first IRC nick, and was doomed to be stuck with it for 
 >an eternity.  There's really no significance whatsoever; 
 >it's just a lame-ass nick, like Gurlie13 or some shit.  
 >I hate the nick, actually.
 >
 >Save me
 >-Audrey :)

        This dilemma calls to mind a passage by R.H. Tawney from his
 influential book "Religion and the Rise of Capitalism": "Individualistic,
 competitive, swept forward by an immense expansion of commerce and finance,
 rather than of industry and offering opportunities of speculative gain on a
 scale unknown before, the new economic civilization inevitably gave rise to
 passionate contraversy; and inevitably, since both the friends and enemies
 of the Reformation identified it with social change, the leaders in the
 religious struggle were the protagonists in the debate."  Hope this is of
 some help, AnonGirl.


 segment#5
 =========

        Kreid was asked the question "Why are you called 'Kreid' and what's
 the significance of that name?"  His response may leave more questions than
 answers.

 >Well, the name "Kreid", as you might have guessed, is 
 >one of the more complex nicknames you may have encountered 
 >in the 'zine scene.  Of course, there is much meaning 
 >behind it, as there is with all my words and actions, but 
 >this meaning is never instantly apparent.  Allow me to 
 >explain:
 >
 >The "K", sometimes capitalized, sometimes not, stands for 
 >"Kali Yuga" - which, in hinduism, is the term for the 
 >fourth and present age of the world, which is full of 
 >conflict and sin.  I feel that it is essential for my 
 >readers and myself to always be aware that we live in this 
 >age, where none of us are innocent.  My writing has been 
 >called post-modern, which might imply that I exist in a 
 >time beyond the Kali Yuga, but still, I feel that this 
 >concept and knowledge are essential to truly understand 
 >anything that I say or do.
 >
 >Now, a lot of people whom I've explained that to have 
 >asked me if the "Reid" portion of my name refers to the 
 >scottish philosopher Thomas Reid, or perhaps the former 
 >prime minister of australia Sir George Huston Reid. This 
 >is, of course, incorrect, although I do amire those 
 >historical figures. The letters r, e, i, and d, are in 
 >fact four more seperate concepts of which an 
 >understanding is essential to understanding me.
 >
 >Moreover, not to disappoint you, dear sir, but I do not 
 >wish to reveal the meanings of the next four letters at 
 >this time.  As you know, I am very busy with completing 
 >my novel-in-progress, and to fully communicate the 
 >meaning of these next four letters in layman's terms 
 >would surely take me much more time than I have to spare.  
 >Perhaps, if you are indeed still curious, you might 
 >benefit from asking me at another time.  I must go now... 
 >I hope my response has been adequate in satisfying at 
 >least a sufficient part of your query, and your curiosity 
 >is quenched, for the time being, at the very least.  
 >Thank you.
 >
 >
 >Your friend, associate, and contemporary,
 >
 >- Kreid

        AltRocks, scholar of theology, metaphysics, and the occult, had this
 to say of Kreid: "Kreid is called 'Kreid' because he can't spell creed
 correctly."

        There are rumors that the name AltRocks is also an acronym which
 stands for the exact opposite of that which the letters in Kreid's name
 stand for.  Thus, the antagonism should be noted.


 segment#6
 =========

        Styx was asked the question "Why are you called 'styx' and what's the
 significance of that name."  To this, styx did not reply until a month later
 because he is a jerk and a real kneebiter.

 >     hey.  i rarely, if ever, check email from my 
 >freethought.net address so from now on use this one (if 
 >you're going to use it at all).
 >
 >     when i first got my modem (i was 14, i guess it was 
 >1991), "Styx" was the name of my D&D character.  i named 
 >the character after the mythological River Styx.  simple 
 >as that.
 >
 >     for more information, there's an issue of h0e that's 
 >just autobiographies or something like that, and i get into 
 >more detail there.
 >
 >      take it easy.
 >
 >     - Styx
 
        However, the following information was obtained when another was
 asked why styx is called styx.

 >I have no idea, I assume it's in reference to the river.
 >
 >Cyn

        Fascinating.


 segment#7
 =========

        Aster was asked "Why are you called 'aster' and what's the
 significance of that name?"  The response attained was different than the
 one expected.  Theoretically, the answer generated should have been  "hays
 fer hroses.  What does 'significance' mean?" But the actual result was this:

 >i am a flower.

        Explanation of anomaly: Some special case conditions must have been
 in effect.  Next time a control aster must be used to cross-check the
 results.


 segment#8
 =========

        Ashtray Heart was asked the question "Why are you called 'Ashtray
 Heart' and what's the significance of that name?"  Unfortunately, he was
 still unavailable for comment by press time.  However, one witness came
 forward to offer this explanation:

 LilNilHil:
 >perhaps some passive suggestion through angsty words, 
 >a guy trying to pick a title for himself that portrays 
 >a dirty mind/past/life... hearts are organs, bags of 
 >water that keep a thing alive, ashtrays are filthy 
 >things that catch the waste of a substance which kills 
 >humans slowly.  i don`t know the man personally.. but 
 >maybe he just smokes a lot. or maybe he just thinks a 
 >lot.  or most likely he`s similar to me, and plain 
 >doesn`t give a fuck.
 >goodluck on whatever you`re working on scott.  -danny


        All things considered, this name conjures up the most disgusting
 images of any name I've encountered so far, excepting, of course, "Smegma
 Lips", "Puss-Bubble Surprise", and "Skinless Writhing Baby Chunks".


 segment#9
 =========

        AIDS was asked "Why are you called 'AIDS' and what's the significance
 of that name?" His rapier wit is played to the hilt in what is more a
 reaction than a response:

 >Are you a fucking retard?
 >
 >Why don't you look at the past issues of HOE.
 >
 >There is an entire article dedicated to giving erroneous 
 >information about this very topic. 
 >
 >You fucking lazy bastard.
 >
 >-Jarett

        Ok. 
        To learn more about AIDS, see your physician or hoe#402.

        Others were more than willing to supply information.

 Teerts:
 >you're researching a hoe artikel? what is wrong with 
 >amerika today?
 >
 >he explained it, he was tired of being called squinky, 
 >or squink for short...or asshole, on occasion :-)
 >so he changed it to AIDS in a fit of juvenile rage.
 >
 >-cm

        We shall consider this matter closed.


 segment#10
 ==========

        Quarex was asked the same question about his name.  In so doing,
 however, he fell victim to the classic blunder of revealing all the
 information of his diabolical scheme.  Now everyone knows his strengths,
 weaknesses, hopes, fears, desires, and favorite ice cream flavor.

 >The name "Quarex" came from my many years of sitting at
 >my computer,playing miscellaneous CRPGS for days on end.  
 >At some point, my system of creating names through my 
 >patented vowel and consonant commbinations ended up with 
 >me typing "Quarex Osis" into the name field.  I really 
 >thought it was the greatest name I had ever come up with, 
 >so I used it in every game I played and on my BBS.  I 
 >went through a few changes with the name, first changing 
 >"Osis" to "Aegis" when I noticed lots of diseases ended 
 >with "Osis" (Trichnosis!), then dropping "Aegis" entirely 
 >when someone accused me of ripping off the game "Aegis" 
 >rather than ripping off greek mythology, which is of 
 >course what I did.  Quarex sounded better without a last 
 >name to me, anyway, and that is how that happened.
 >
 >Quarex has become about as much of a nickname as any 
 >made-up word can, all things considered.  Almost everyone 
 >I hang out with calls me Drew, but almost anyone I met 
 >online first calls me Quarex in real life, which is pretty 
 >amusing, since it is such an absurd made-up name, even if 
 >people like it.  I registered Quarex.com sometime last 
 >year when I found out about Quarex Inc., a company that 
 >makes watch batteries.  Of course, when I do a metacrawler 
 >search for Quarex, I get 100+ hits on my name and about 5 
 >on theirs, so I am content, but you can never be too safe.
 >
 >I have no idea if this is at all what you are looking for.  
 >Oh yeah, and also, the name Quarex is such a part of what 
 >I am that I cannot use it as a made-up name anymore, I feel 
 >like if I named some character Quarex that it would be just 
 >like naming him Drew, as they are both a part of what I
 >am.  Or something like that, anyway.
 >
 >Quarex
 >Drew
 
        This is all fine and good, but not everyone believes the Earth was
 created in 7 days.  Many think it took millions and millions of years!  One
 such is The Jester, who had this to say of Quarex:

 >quarex is called quarex because that really is his name.  
 >really!@  his parents were cruel cold individuals who 
 >thought up the most bizarre name ever simply to torment 
 >their child.  the name comes from the latin kwar rex.  
 >kwar rex was a statement which simply meant "i'm a cruel, 
 >unloving, hateful person."  
 >
 >uh.
 >
 >yeah.


 segment#11
 ==========

        Tasha was asked "Why are you called 'Tasha' and what's the
 significance of that name?"  A seemingly simple question.  But our behind-
 the-scenes look reveals a mystery so shrouded in darkness that not even
 Tasha knows the truth behind her own name.

 >I'm called "Tasha" because my mother and father named me 
 >"Natasha" at birth, and I shortened it.  I was named after 
 >a ballerina or out of a baby name book, I've heard both of 
 >those stories and don't know which is true.  the end(*!)

        Using top-secret government encryption technology, I was able to
 discover that only Soviet spies are named Natasha.  Thus our beloved Tashy
 is none other than a ruthless enemy agent from a fallen order trained in the
 arts of stealth, death, and seduction.  And anyone who has seen too many
 movies knows that spies are often inflicted with amnesia and planted into
 boring middle-class neighborhoods, thus explaining why Tasha does not know
 her true origins.


 segment#12
 ==========

        SwissPope was asked the question "Why are you called 'SwissPope' and
 what's the significance of that name?"

 [#ezines irc log]
 <SwissPope> uberfizz
 <SwissPope> I thought i was special when i got your email
 <SwissPope> but then i came in the channel
 <SwissPope> and everyone was talking about how they got emails
 <SwissPope> from you
 <SwissPope> so i'm not going to tell you the origin of my handle
 [end]

        SwissPope's response is indicative of severe psychological trauma
 resulting in what is known as "Jim Carrey Syndrome".  Symptoms include
 needing to be the center of attention 24 hours a day, needing special
 treatment to affirm the individual's sense of a unique identity, and failure
 to work well with others.  This neurosis is not without its benefits,
 however.  Those who suffer from it make millions of dollars, date
 supermodels, and have excellent taste in music.

        However, drawing on Archetypal Psychology and the Rules of Scrabble,
 Anilos offers this alternative perspective:

 >This is a longshot here but from what little I can gather 
 >the significance of the name and the reason why he is 
 >called that can be one in the same.  Swiss, referring to 
 >the country of switzerland which in every single war has 
 >been neutral (except for recently when it was exposed that 
 >they secretly funded the nazis, but let's just assume that 
 >never happened) the pope being a symbol of catholicism and 
 >head of the church.  Using those two one can deduce (although 
 >chances are it's very very off-base) that swisspope is a
 >person who is the head mediator, a neutral person who leads 
 >all of the other neutral people to keep a balance of 
 >differentiating opinions.
 >
 >Or you can just take his name literally and say that it 
 >refers to a switzerland person (or of swiss decent) who is 
 >the pope, or will be the pope.  That's just my theory, Albeit, 
 >not a very good one.

        UPDATE: Anilos was later awarded the Heisman Trophy for his work in
 Number Theory, Complex Emergent Systems, and the "Planescape" scenario of
 Advanced Dungeons and Dragons<6E>.


 segment#13
 ==========

        Neko was asked "Why are you called 'Neko' and what's the significance
 of that name?"  His response is strikingly outside the realm of the
 postmodern in its honesty, yet at the same time, within that realm as it
 bares likeness to an inverse Sprite commercial.

 >When I started calling BBS' in January of 1993, I called myself 
 >Wolverine.  A few months later I'd done some pretty stupid 
 >things and was hated by most of the "elite" people in the scene, 
 >so I knew a handle change was in order.  Neko was the name of 
 >this windows 3.1 program I had where a cat would follow around 
 >your mouse pointer.  So I called myself Neko.  I used to use the 
 >name & handle James Black & Pachinko to get adult access on 
 >BBS'.  For what it's worth....they just sounded like cool names.

        Ah! Spoken with all the eloquence of J<>rgen Habermas' "Lament of the
 Failure of the Surrealist Movement."


 segment#14
 ==========

        Meenk was asked "Why are you called 'Meenk' and what's the
 significance of that name?"  Her answer is part Rosetta Stone, part Book of
 Leviticus.

 >meenk is "mink" phoenetically. mink is short for Mink Stole, who 
 >is my role model (and who should be the role model for any lady 
 >who plans to kick some ass and fuck shit up)

        A response by militant feminist Andrea Dworkin is expected soon.


 segment#15
 ==========

        Mutter was asked the question "Why are you called 'Mutter' and what's
 the significance of that name?"  The following response is currently being
 put to music and recorded for the upcoming suprise release of a King Missile
 CD.

 >I used to know a wise old pimp who lost his hearing from a gunshot 
 >during a domestic dispute with his three hundred pound wife.  Well, 
 >from a common friend he finds out I need a summer job to pay my 
 >way through college.  So one day he offers me a job looking out for 
 >his "bitches."  Well, he'd always bark questions at me and when I 
 >responded he'd always yell at me for muttering (although it was his 
 >lack of hearing which was the problem).  So one say he sits me down 
 >and says, "Chris, ya need a nickname.  From now on you will be known 
 >as ... Goat Boy."
 >
 >Then one day a friend says to me, "Hey, Goat Boy.  Why don't you 
 >start calling yourself Mutter?"
 
        Look for this in stores near you.


 segment#16
 ==========

        Our fearless leader, Ziego Vauntar, was asked the following question:

        Hola, Ziego Vuantar.  Hay muchas personas en este mundo que no le
 gustan las guerillas o no le gustan la revolucion. <20>Que dice a las personas?
 
 >I SAY TO THOSE IGNORANT, REPUGNANT INDIVIDUALS, THE FOLLOWING:  
 >WAKE UP, YOU CAPITALIST, CORPORATE SHEEP.  YOU ARE SUCH HYPOCRITES 
 >I JUMP UP AND DOWN LIKE I ATE TEN THOUSAND JUMPIN' BEANS BECAUSE 
 >YOU ARE, IN FACT, THE ULTIMATE IN LAZY, WORTHLESS SCUM.  YOU MAKE 
 >ME SICK.  
 >
 >-ZIEGO VUANTAR



 //-->begin PartTwo;

        Let's face it.  When Mogel doesn't have a girlfriend, he whines more
 than Luke Skywalker.  Therefore, I applied my recently acquired degree in
 Sociology and undertook a little survey research poll to find the most
 compatable girl for Mogel.  The respondents were asked "Based on your own
 personal experience, observations, and opinions, who should Mogel go out
 with?"  Here are the results.

 >Hahaha
 >
 >Mogel should go out with whomever sparks his interest and wins his
 >thoughts.
 >
 >Good luck with your dating game.
 >
 >--Rhea

        This was not very helpful.  However it is true and therefore will be
 considered as a criteria the winner must fulfill.  The next reply was from
 Cap'n Sparky who pointed out a flaw in the wording of the question.

 >Am I limited to other h0e writers?  Media personalities? Does the 
 >datee have to be a human being?

        There was nothing I could do.  I was taking first replies only.
 Finally, Oregano came through with a real answer:

 >Definitely it would have to be Jennifer Love Hewitt, those two are 
 >made for each other like rice is made for beans.
 >
 >-- oregano

        The next vote came from Unrelated, who also included an elaborate
 footer with the message.

 >Phairgirl by far, she is sexy, funny, and has the biggest   
 >personality(s)  *grin* I've hung out with her many a lonely nights 
 >at Perkins.  She is perfect for him.  She used to rant and rave 
 >about him, hell he sent her his wallet....with the Id still in it, 
 >if that's not a come on, I don't know what is.....
 >
 >
 >I will bring you into my house, I will then lay you down on the 
 >finest silks from India and China that I have personally hand picked. 
 >I will rub you down with the Finest of oils from around the world, 
 >that I have searched and quested for.  Then, I will make for the 
 >finest of breakfasts only using the best of meats and cheeses, and 
 >cereals.  And that, is when I will hit you dogystyle! - Smoove B

        This next vote, which is also the first I received, came from Leah.

 >Anjee.

        And finally, Owen's vote:

 >Personally, I feel that Mogel should never date again.  He is a
 >dangerous, dangerous man who could hurt many, many women. 
 >
 >Owen

        Well, it appears there is a tie between Anjee, Phairgirl, and
 Jennifer Love Hewett.  So, Mogel, apply your dating criteria to these and
 who ever scores best is your new girlfriend.  Congradulations to the both
 of you!

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 [ (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #690-WRITTEN BY: UBERFIZZGIG - 6/14/99 ]