86 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
86 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
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'##::::'##:::'#####:::'########: VIVA LA REVOLUCION! CERDO DEL CAPITALISTA!!
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##:::: ##::'##.. ##:: ##.....:: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:'##:::: ##: ##::::::: THE HELOTS OF ECSTASY PRESS RELEASE #409 !!
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#########: ##:::: ##: ######::: ZIEGO VUANTAR SHALL BE MUCH VICTORIOUS! !!
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##.... ##: ##:::: ##: ##...:::: ===========================================
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##:::: ##:. ##:: ##:: ##::::::: "I Like Monkeys" !!
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##:::: ##::. #####::: ########: by -> Holocost !!
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..:::::..::::.....::::........:: 1/7/99 !!
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!!========================================================================!!
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Editor's Note: It came to my attention after publishing this
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article that it's a rather popular e-mail forward that's been on the net
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for quite some time. People know better than to forward me stupid
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bullshit like this (they send stupid bullshit to me as HOE submissions,
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not forwards), so I had no idea. At any rate, I apologize to whomever
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might be the original author for having such a lameass idiot like
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Holocost submit this.
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- Mogel 1/10/99
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents
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a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple
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thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought
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200. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car.
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I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact,
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none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in
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their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped
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laughing.
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I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to
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their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the
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couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at
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first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
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Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so
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inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta'
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dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five
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hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
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I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all
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over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
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looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
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I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got
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stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
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I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That
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worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started
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to smell real bad.
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I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I
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didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
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I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
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Unfortunately, there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so
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I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food
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in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
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I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable.
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I had to extinguish the fire.
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Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen
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monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my
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bed. The odor wasn't improving.
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I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and
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to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
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I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the
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city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that
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I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother
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asking about the frozen ones.
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I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas
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gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that
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they like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I
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punched them in the genitals.
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I like monkeys.
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!!========================================================================!!
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!! (c) !LA HOE REVOLUCION PRESS! HOE #409, WRITTEN BY: HOLOCOST - 1/7/99 !!
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